Random Rants ΠΑ: That's a paddlin'

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Sounds like you answered it right there. You weren't expecting a sexual conquest before the meeting. It led to sex, but that's not the result you were counting on before stepping through the door.

Mary's point, to me, seems to be that she very rarely if ever has the thought process before meeting with a man that they might get down and dirty, and that it's being implied here by men that they do have that thought process, even where it isn't applicable or appropriate. That, even if it is inappropriate, men think it's fine to make those thoughts public and known to the intended subject of fantasy. That the expectation of sex during any private encounter with a woman is "reasonable" to prepare for, and that Mary finds this questionable and creepy.

Which I agree with, if my interpretation is correct. If you have a complicated history with a specific person, expectations can rear their head despite one's best intentions. But it gets a little, erm, interesting if this expectation is present with every interaction with a woman, be they friend, acquaintance, or a stranger that has yet to even be met. Along with the side sentiment in another thread about how it's seen as an objective failure to not have had sex yet in 2019, and how every rant or rave involving a woman ends with either "I didn't have sex with her. :(" or "I'm going to try and have sex with her! :)"

As said: I don't post everything related to women here.
Last week I helped a female friend correct her PhD thesis. No sexual thoughts.
I helped move her apartment. No sexual thoughts.
I spend last week an evening in a museum with another female friend. No sexual thoughts.
I went to comedy last Friday with a female friend. No sexual thoughts.
I went dancing afterwards, and met 2 female acquaintances. Obviously I had sexual thoughts when I go out on a Friday evening, but not directed at these 2 ladies.
I do now prove that I'm not a maniac?
Wait...why I do actually have to prove this?

And yes, if you're young, male, and somewhat average, then a year without sex is a disappointment.
 
Thank you, I feel you've accurately expressed my feeling, and I greatly appreciate you sharing your view.

Faith in Men +1

Misplaced faith, probably. :lol: I have my own baggage when it comes to boundaries and intimacy.
 
Misplaced faith, probably. :lol: I have my own baggage when it comes to boundaries and intimacy.
That's why you get 1 point, and nowhere near enough to make up the deficit from some others in this thread :lol:
 
As said: I don't post everything related to women here.
Last week I helped a female friend correct her PhD thesis. No sexual thoughts.
I helped move her apartment. No sexual thoughts.
I spend last week an evening in a museum with another female friend. No sexual thoughts.
I went to comedy last Friday with a female friend. No sexual thoughts.
I went dancing afterwards, and met 2 female acquaintances. Obviously I had sexual thoughts when I go out on a Friday evening, but not directed at these 2 ladies.
I do now prove that I'm not a maniac?
Wait...why I do actually have to prove this?

Your deal with Mary could be fulfilled if you posted about these!

Her point is really just that if you talk about a subject in a certain way, people will judge based on that—even if you have thoughts about that subject beyond how you've spoken about it thus far.

In this case, it's fairly simple to follow. You rant and rave somewhat regularly about things that revolve around women. These exclusively refer to having sex with them. An onlooker only has these posts to go off of when it comes to how you see and treat women.

With changed terms: If you post about fast food a lot, and every post you make is a complaint about it, people will believe you don't like fast food, even if in reality you've had twice as many experiences with fast food that you enjoyed.

People see only what you share, and if what you share leans towards an unforgiving view of women, then that's the portrayal you'll be stuck with. If these sex(less) experiences are a rarity in your encounters and thoughts regarding women, then there's a heavily skewed ratio you're working with here.
 
Also, "not being gross sometimes" doesn't make other times of being gross okay. You don't get a medal for not having sexual expectations when you helped someone move. You're not working on some sort of points system where a bunch of neutrals cancel out the negatives.

You even above mention that your friends would be disgusted with what you post here, but in your mind it's okay because of your anonymity. Wow. So it seems you know you shouldn't be posting those things, but do so because you feel reasonably secure you can get away with it.
 
It seems Js demanded decade of the rosary is acceptable.

Now continue shutting the hell up, I guess.

Speaking out being grossed out by online discussions, I'm really grossed out by this one.
 
It seems Js demanded decade of the rosary is acceptable.

Now continue shutting the hell up, I guess.

Speaking out being grossed out by online discussions, I'm really grossed out by this one.

Feel free to coherently express why and start a discussion about it. Unless you're only interested in the drive-by back-patting.
 
My corollary again, what if you knew your male friend was heterosexual? Would you still have an expectation of possible sex with him?

I feel like you and @Lexicus are sort of reinforcing this stereotype that men only think about one thing, lol. I mean, you really imagine that if you're homosexual and you're meeting up with a male friend of yours, you'd be anticipating sex? And as heterosexual men, you both feel this way about women?
Yeah, I mean, they know I'm straight, but they try to make moves anyway. Libido is a very powerful thing.

As for myself, it's totally context-dependent. In a professional context, absolutely not; I work on a team with several women, including my boss. Never even crosses my mind.

But with women with whom I have an established platonic non-professional friendship with, it can be complicated. I'm in my early 20s. To put it very frankly: a lot of people, women included, have high libidos or are otherwise prospecting/on the prowl. My most recent girlfriend was just a platonic friend until I started signaling interest, she started signaling back, and soon enough we were out for post-coital dumplings and bubble tea at 1 am. Part of this is just "making moves"/putting yourself out there. And a lot of these things are a two-way street. My friendship with one of my closest friends collapsed much to my disappointment because she became interested. And random girls I meet at get-togethers, parties, or bars (plus aforementioned gay friends/acquaintances) sometimes make me uncomfortable or irritated in a way I think is similar to what most women experience constantly: person you're just chatting with but not interested in interprets your chatting with them as a sign of interest, starts getting increasingly flirty, starts touching you for no real reason (eg, touching/tapping my shoulders or arms) and potentially getting pissy when you turn down their advances. My guess is women deal with this crap >= 10x more frequently, though. Part of it is sexism, part of it is what you mentioned upthread: a lot of men have painfully high libidos, especially ones in their 20s.

Specifically with the condom thing: no, I don't expect sex or anything in particular just because a woman is talking to me/hanging out with me. But if I think she's cute and it doesn't cross professional boundaries, the thought is quite possibly in my mind. And if I start signaling interest and she signals back, awesome. I'll ask her out or something. If she doesn't, I drop it. That can look problematic though if I'm not really interested in hanging out with her anymore at that point. For that, I'm sorry, but I already have enough friends to satisfy my low need for socialization (I'm extremely introverted). I don't, however, have a girlfriend at the moment. Furthermore, I'm probably not interested in spending a lot of time around a girl I have a crush on who isn't interested in me. So what can you do
 
If you bought them less than 24 hours ago, pretty sure Amtrak does refunds even on nonrefundable tickets.
I was able to cancel/refund them and then buy them again. Thanks!

It didn't show me that I earned double points though. I wonder if you first have to complete the trip to get the points? It didn't say I earned the 1x points the first time I bought the ticket either so I don't know. With airlines they tell you upfront how many points you earn but Amtrak doesn't seem to do that.
 
I can totally understand spontaneous passion can happen, I'm more confused about the expectation of such before hand.

Well, I took the episode I mentioned as a lesson that it doesn't hurt to be prepared because you never know what might happen.

Sounds like you answered it right there. You weren't expecting a sexual conquest before the meeting. It led to sex, but that's not the result you were counting on before stepping through the door.

Mary's point, to me, seems to be that she very rarely if ever has the thought process before meeting with a man that they might get down and dirty, and that it's being implied here by men that they do have that thought process, even where it isn't applicable or appropriate. That, even if it is inappropriate, men think it's fine to make those thoughts public and known to the intended subject of fantasy. That the expectation of sex during any private encounter with a woman is "reasonable" to prepare for, and that Mary finds this questionable and creepy.

Which I agree with, if my interpretation is correct. If you have a complicated history with a specific person, expectations can rear their head despite one's best intentions. But it gets a little, erm, interesting if this expectation is present with every interaction with a woman, be they friend, acquaintance, or a stranger that has yet to even be met. Along with the side sentiment in another thread about how it's seen as an objective failure to not have had sex yet in 2019, and how every rant or rave involving a woman ends with either "I didn't have sex with her. :(" or "I'm going to try and have sex with her! :)"

I dunno. I'm struggling with this I guess because I think that when I was single I basically did have this thought process, and considered every woman I met to be a sexual prospect unless there was some reason not to (demonstrated lack of interest, other commitments, the fact that we're coworkers, or what have you).

But, I can't really firmly argue from this as if it's some kind of anchor for rightness, because I absolutely recognize the possibility that my sexuality has been warped to an unhealthy place by porn and generally poor socialization from my adolescent male peer environment.

On the other hand, I feel that trying to control one's sexual thoughts is kind of a self-defeating enterprise. What we can do is control how we act, and I'm right there with you in condemning what I think are inappropriate or immoral actions, like pursuing a woman who has indicated a lack of interest in you. And I agree "being prepared" to have sex with that woman counts as "pursuit."

I have my own baggage when it comes to boundaries and intimacy.

Don't we all?
 
Rant: I've been reading a terrible fanfic!

(On the upside...it makes me feel better about my own?)
 
Thank you @Truthy for your thoughtful and honest post, I appreciate having this discussion with you.

I can sort of see where you're coming from. And thank you for recognizing the struggles women put up with.

I don't feel your attitudes in your last post are worrisome, I find your approach to be healthy and refreshing. Everyone has a right to hope for love and to try to find it, and yes for the most part men and women are going to be attracted to each other. I can understand how difficult it might be to socialize with someone you have a crush on.

I do hope however that wouldn't lead you to be exclusionary? Like for example, if you're choosing your team at work for a project, you wouldn't not pick a woman you found attractive that you know you could never have a relationship with? I'm not assuming you do, I'm just trying to understand ... women often get excluded from things by men for reasons like these, and it's something that leads to inequality.

I totally feel the same way, that if you flirt with someone and he or she flirts back, then having hope for a possible romance is completely amazing. When she acts uncomfortable with your flirting though, and you start buying condoms when you're going to spend time with her ...

Eek.
 
Rant: I've been reading a terrible fanfic!

(On the upside...it makes me feel better about my own?)

I wrote some Halo fan fiction back in the day. It was terrible.

I do hope however that wouldn't lead you to be exclusionary? Like for example, if you're choosing your team at work for a project, you wouldn't not pick a woman you found attractive that you know you could never have a relationship with? I'm not assuming you do, I'm just trying to understand ... women often get excluded from things by men for reasons like these, and it's something that leads to inequality.

This is an example of what I'm talking about when I say we can control how we act. Like, I have a really high libido and consider myself basically to be a savage beast, barely human....in my inner mind, or whatever. One of the main tasks of my conscious mind is to prevent that stuff from becoming anyone's problem but mine.
 
I guess I was relatively lucky in that I didn't start writing fanfic until I was an adult. So I avoided a lot of the cringiness that happens often when young teenagers write it.
 
Men are hardwired to be pigs.
Being civilized is overriding that hard wiring.
In the old days, that was chivalry.
Man has to be educated these days. I think shaming is a poor teacher because it leads to resentment. There are better ways.
 
And don't forget the nerds that have carried the same condom in their wallet hoping for over a decade. ;)

In my case it's been more like "left the same condoms in my drawer for a decade and never even bothered putting them in my wallet because I never thought there was any realistic chance I'd need them, and so far I've ended up being right about that"

Because I only write here about this, this also means I only think about women in connection to sex?
It might be that I don't write everything down here what I experience in my daily life.
Please consider that you nearly know nothing about me, the situations I describe, the people I hang out with, and many more things, before making wild guesses and unqualified judgements.

Again, my point isn't that it's weird that you write about this, it's that you write about it a lot and rarely write about anything else, like it's seemingly the only thing you ever have on your mind.

Would my friend have been uneasy, if she had read it here? Yes, rightfully. That's why I didn't tell her.

Then why say it anywhere, exactly, if you know it would make the person you're talking about uncomfortable?
 
If you feel there are better ways, why don't you take the lead and show us?
 
Sometimes I feel fortunate that I'm not really beautiful. I've only had to deal with leering/catcalling very rarely and they always back off when I glared at them. I've had none since I started using a cane.

Of course maybe that's just because I live in the middle of nowhere. :lol:
 
Sometimes I feel fortunate that I'm not really beautiful. I've only had to deal with leering/catcalling very rarely and they always back off when I glared at them. I've had none since I started using a cane.

Of course maybe that's just because I live in the middle of nowhere. :lol:

With the right sort of folk, the cane is a bonus.

(In hindsight, that could be taken as referring to disability fetishists, and not the intended BDSM joke. :( )
 
In my case it's been more like "left the same condoms in my drawer for a decade and never even bothered putting them in my wallet because I never thought there was any realistic chance I'd need them, and so far I've ended up being right about that"

I don't think you're supposed to put them in your wallet anyways. Something about wallets (the heat?) makes the condoms less effective.
 
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