[RFC] Rome: Eternal Empire

[Daedwartin]

It is friday, METY. you better get a update in.

 

[Daedwartin]

You know the poster is unreliable when there's 3 pages and like 3 months with no update. now the post below is incorrect

 

[Emperor Bosco I]

Three pages, and precisely three months. So you're both exaggerating and understating. Fascinating...

 

[Princeof Persia]

It's going to die soon, just like your Youtube videos.

 

[trexeric]

I'm bored of this. IF THERE IS NOT AN UPDATE within the next week, a strike will occur (or something like that)

 

[Daedwartin]

zzzZZZ zzzZZZ zzzZZZ...rinse, repeat.

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

 

[Bair_the_Normal]

At first I was like METY updated!

.... But then.... YYESIMADBRO.

 

[Daedwartin]

Nuclear Launch Detected.
大名レーニン、帝国のグランドクルセイダー: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA. Get to work METY. you've done more work as a person in a story recently...

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

 

[Daedwartin]

Stop teasing us, please.

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

 

[trexeric]

Soon in METY talk means another year.

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

Sup, everyone. I know I haven't been active lately, but I've had a busy summer. I was in Florida, and starting tomorrow, I have a week of sleepaway camp. Anyway, I decided that before I go, I'm going to release this update, once and for all. I'm going to split this update into two parts. As soon as I post the first one, I will start writing the second. The first part was actually written about a month and a half ago, and I kept meaning to expand it, but writer's block kept me from going forward. Finally, I got an amazing idea, but it would be better if I separated it from part 1. You'll see what I mean.
Anyway, enjoy the update! I expect most of you to die of shock in a week.

Narrator: OK, everyone, welcome to another installment of Rome: Eternal Empire!
Premier: Awesome! *sniffs*
Ex-Emperor: What is it now...
Premier: Nothing like the smell of nuke factories in the morning! Anyway, I'm going to make some propaganda now. Melinda, come here!
Ex-Emperor: Who's that?
Premier: This is Melinda, head of propaganda. She and I are going to my quarters to get some "business" done, eh?
Melinda: Yeah, and call me Millie.
*Premier and Melinda leave the room*
Ex-Emperor: And you'd think a ruthless dictator wouldn't get all the girls...

Seems a war is breaking out, let's see what's going on.

The Russians and British vassals are dogpiling, eh? Typical AI...

Looks like the Chinese are joining in... at the bottom of that pile.

Sally, it's good to see you, but don't think you're being a LITTLE BIT CHEAP?

Narrator: Here are some stats. Premier, you are number one in everything except life expectancy-
Premier *cutting in*: Well, who cares if a few of my slaves die?
Narrator: -and approval rate.
Premier: WHAT? But everyone loves me!
Narrator: What do you think they do when you're not watching?
Premier: MELINDA! We have a lot of more business to do! Let's go back to my room!
Melinda: OK, let's do it!
*Premier and Melinda leave*
Ex-Emperor: *sigh*
Narrator: Aww, somebody's jealous.
Ex-Emperor: Shut up.

We have the top 5 best cities, great. I wonder where on the list everyone else is...

Premier: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! WOOHOO! LETS GO MAKE SOME BOOMINGS!
Ex-Emperor: Well, he's going to be like this for the next week, probably.
Narrator: More. I guess you're buying the earmuffs?
Ex-Emperor: Well, I-
Melinda *bursting in, carrying a lot of propaganda posters*: Premier, I'm done! We were really busy up there!
Premier: Excellent! We work really well on those things.
Ex-Emperor: Wait... you mean you were actually...
Melinda: Oh, so you thought we were doing THAT kind of business? Pervert.
Narrator: Ha, ha.
Ex-Emperor: YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME?
Narrator: Couldn't resist. Anyway, look's like those propaganda commercials are about to air.
Ex-Emperor: Let's see how crappy they are. *turns on TV*
Melinda: Millie Bays here with a special TV offer: The Super Epic Premier Action Figure! With KUNG-FU ACTION!
Premier Action Figure: HI-YAH!
Melinda: The Super Epic Premier Action Figure with Kung-Fu Action can do all that and more!
Premier Action Figure: PROLETARIAT POWER PUNCH!
Melinda: Only $99.99! And, if you buy a second Super Epic Premier Action Figure with Kung-Fu Action, you'll get a third one free!
Premier Action Figure: Awesome!
Melinda: Also, you can unlock a secret new move if you buy all the 10,000 Super Epic Premier Action Figure with Kung-Fu Action Super Epic Kung-Fu Action Move Pieces for only $20.99 each!
Premier Action Figure: Swagful!
*ad ends*
Ex-Emperor and Narrator: Um...
Ex-Emperor: Didn't work on me. Let's see what everyone else is doing.
Narrator: Do you see all those people rushing to this store?
Ex-Emperor: Oh, no.. Is that store named what I think it is?
Narrator: You mean the Super Epic Premier Action Figure with Kung-Fu Action Store?
Ex-Emperor: *sigh* He's really brainwashed them, all right.

Premier: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MY TANK LOST! YOU... WILL... PAY!


Premier: Do you know what today is?
Ex-Emperor: Well, you actually declared a national holiday, so it REALLY must be something.
Premier: It's Button Day!
Ex-Emperor and Narrator: ???
Premier: I get to press the big red button... or I would have if the Narrator hadn't stepped on it! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!
Somewhere far, far away, a two fitting explosions rang out, seemingly timed with the Premier's rage, and definitely not planned in advance by the Narrator in order to enhance the story.

 

[Moshe Dayan]

Great update!
But why not just drop one nuke on the cows in between the two Persian cities? It'll still hit both of them evenly.

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

The Premier was controlled by power, he couldn't help himself.

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

To clear some things up about this story, I am not the Narrator. I am the Author, and the Narrator's job is to repeat my words to all of you. He hates his job, and sometimes he adds new stuff of his own...

And now this update
gets a bit strange.
For your author, though Epic,
had writer's block-ade.

Premier: No! He's starting to to write poetry!
Ex-Emperor: What has this story came to?

That's a stupid rhyme,
You'll say, I bet.
Because I, the Narrator
Am a crappy poet!

And now, we begin
This update in verse.
Don't worry, don't cry.
I'll get much, much, worse.

Premier: Oh my God! He killed poetry's respectability!
Ex-Emperor: YOU B*****D!


It seems that China
Has now been reborn.
I wonder what will happen
To the ies of the :.

An SOD! Yay!
It will be the sod
To hold the grass of an invasion.
Of a country that's *bad rhyme/country name censored by the Party*

The Premier is mad
Because I made a bad verse.
I kicked him in the nuts.
Now he is seeing a nurse.

Another army is made.
Near Babylon.
It will attack something
That doesn't rhyme with Babylon.

The Babylonians
Are now the proud rulers.
Of a nuked-out wasteland.
They think there's nothing cooler.

I'll reveal it now,
My long-awaited target is:
England! Its cricket and tea
Must die! Killing nations is my biz.

My nukes, navy, and soldiers
Are all now in place.
They'll be here to prove.
That Rome's already won the race.

My SOD of reserves
Is bigger than the invasion.
I might not even use them
Because my forces won't be subject to erasion.

Oh, wait. It looks like
There's more room on those boats then I thought.
Looks like this invasion
Will turn England into naught!

The Cow Queen approaches.
Head covered in her broaches.
The Premier says "I'll turn you into roaches!"
The Queen isn't going with my rhymes.

Boom! Boom!
There goes London.
There goes the Queen.
Now the British are surely done... done.


NUUUUKES!
The Premier laughs maniacally
The mushroom clouds are raining
Mutant animals, falling from the sky.

The Dutch will fall for the nukes too
They abandoned their allies.
I had to move the tactical nukes
Onto their cities, no surprise.

I'm sorry, but this call center
Is no longer available.
We were nuked by the Romans.
Please call again laterable!


Premier: The citizens are committing mass suicide! And not in protest of the nukes!
Ex-Emperor: It's that horrible, horrible poetry! It's destroying society!
Premier: I never thought I'd say this... but we may actually have to work together to stop the madness.
Ex-Emperor: I know a few reactionary fanatics who can rally some of the toughest drunks in the land.
Premier: I know a few leftist fanatics who can rally the populace!
???: And I know a couple of idiots who think that they can do it without MY help.
Premier: REVEAL YOURSELF!
Ex-Emperor: And how did you get in here?
???: I am... MR. N! *lightning flashes*
Premier *trembling*: N for... Narrator?
Mr. N: N for Not Going To Tell You. I'm not the Narrator, though.
Ex-Emperor: That's cool, but how are you going to help us?
Mr. N: Oh, you'll see. *takes off hood*
Ex-Emperor: IT CAN'T BE!
Mr. N: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Holy city?
I call that a hole-y city now.
There are probably lots of them,
in this nuked-out place now ruled by a mutant cow.

I wonder how
They got those guns.
Who do they think
they are, gunslinger-uns?

Premier: Seriously? That's got to be the worst excuse for a rhyme I've ever seen.

Here is Britain, all fallen out.
No defenders, no food.
No pops- wait, wrong game.
London is surely doomed.

India, realizing its master
is surely dead, declared
independence. I might make
peace with them...

Ex-Emperor: That was just a normal sentence, and you just pressed Enter when you felt like it!



London is dead!
We finally captured it
We looted it
And best of all, it' easy to rhyme with i-

Suddenly, the Ex-Emperor and The Premier.
Standing side by side.
Why are the doing this?
And when will they remark with snide?

A man is next to them.
Hooded, he will bore us.
He takes off his jacket, and says:
"I AM CHUCK F***ING NORRIS!"

A round house kick is all it takes
To separate my body and I.
Finally, I have learned.
It is time for me to die.

With a crack,
Everything goes black.
Oh, no! This verse only has three lines!

Ex-Emperor: That was amazing!
Premier: Thank you, Chuck Norris! Now I can go relax in some fallout-covered city.
Ex-Emperor: But the Narrator is dead... How will we go on with this story?
Chuck Norris: They'll just find a new one. Those idiots are dime a dozen. Anyway, goodbye, viewers! Remember, you don't read about Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris reads YOU.

 

[SamSniped]

An update worthy of the title of Epic!

 

[strijder20]

Chuck Norris is equivalent to a raccoon. Your story is invalid.

 

[Monty on da Run]

I'm new, and I must say, great story, I caught up in 1 night and I am completly hooked.