Suicide

[White Elk]

Sounds like you're working hard battling the symptoms ...



... while the root cause goes unchecked. I dunno if there's anything you and your family can do about it, but if there's any way to stop the shopping sprees, or even just slow them down a lot, that's key. Tried cutting up credit cards?

In the big picture, you won't be much help to your family if you lead a life so miserable it drives you to suicide. That's gotta stop. Why are you the only one that has to be responsible all the time? :thumbdown

I agree there is an emotional trip that my mother must overcome to at least stem the tide so that we can catch up. She now has some money and spends it her way. It was bad before, but there is no check that anyone can apply here now.

I agree how can a helper help another if they cannot help themselves. Unfortunatly my bliss is as easy as just loading my pack and leaving. My cat she is wise and I know she will travel well. I am road ready and have much support for my first destination. I have the funds to easilly make the transition. But I would die slowly always thinking of them. And when I came back again it would be hundred fold worse as it has been before. I have been there done that and know the guilt I feel for already abandoning them and have seen how much worse a fight I had for leaving before it was finished. So I commited to stick through it, but I see no hope for resolution. They seek my help openly so it is not just my ideals for them which motivates me.

And now its worse for two and soon three young minds are subject to be damaged by this example. The kids were also a part of my decision to delay my suicide. My out would be even worse an example. And so an accident at the wheel or on the mountain solves that. But that did nothing for when I suddenly went into that very dark space to just do it now. It was very strange that it hit me so sudden like that. I could think of how to make certain that my body was retreived so my family did not discover my half rotten corpse but that was about all I could think past. After the fact I am very shocked at how sudden this came upon me even though my feelings of despair have been with me for some time now. Now looking back I can easilly see how selfish and destructive it would have been. And in the past looking forward I knew this as well. A faked accident would surely be better, yet at the time I had no time for that. But I did have time to prepare my death grounds to contain my blood spillage and ease the impact on those who would have to deal with my mess. Strange. It has all been very strange. Sudden and near uncontrollable.

 

[White Elk]

This is just me talking, WE, but if I had a family member like your sister in that situation, I would simply unilaterally boot her to curb. She seems too irresponsible to raise children, so if my sister were like that I would volunteer to help raise the children in conjunction with my parents. My life would be dealt a heavy blow but I would simply not let her stand by and victimize her children like that.

And if you ever need to talk about something and find yourself without anyone to talk you, you can always come on here and send me a private message if you feel like it. I went through some, how shall I say this, times of great mental anguish earlier in my life, and it's solely due to the efforts of a good friend that kept me here.

Personally I think she needs a hard core dose of reality to make her more idependant so that she can operate within a community more effectively. But then her kids are invloved.



And I am so selfish in this. I KNOW others have it worse. I have invested literally hundreds of hours reading Iraqi Blogs and other firsthand accounts of life in other nations undersiege. Along with fellow Americans who have it worse than me. I can see all of that and how silly my own emotion was. But it just hit me out of nowhere. I suffer with this crap for a long time. But suddenly without warning it became life threatening. Then I grew enraged when I could access no professional spur of the moment help. I really think that my anger of spam and shite talking on topics of import (in this case suicide) helped galvanize me against it. I was so so close. I sat down, positioned, got up tired some more to find an anwer was frustrated sat back down, back to the computer etc. Perhaps five times? At least three for certain.

I dont feel suicidal now, but I didnt feel suicidal until I suddenly was. The despair remains. And I see no way outta here. But I think that dark wave has passed me now. If it should come again then I have a few people I can seek out now. And thank you Pasi for offering as well.

 

[White Elk]

Something else which has been recently occuring to me is the parallels between my families life and my nations circumstance. The United States is like my mother and sister in a way. They create messes and dont clean them up. Other people try and clean up the mess, but they cannot possibly do more good for their people than the bad which is done to them. And it just grows and grows and grows.... There is no end in sight.

 

[Brighteye]

I agree how can a helper help another if they cannot help themselves. Unfortunatly my bliss is as easy as just loading my pack and leaving. My cat she is wise and I know she will travel well. I am road ready and have much support for my first destination. I have the funds to easilly make the transition. But I would die slowly always thinking of them. And when I came back again it would be hundred fold worse as it has been before.

If it can be a hundred-fold worse they can't be doing too badly.

They seek my help openly so it is not just my ideals for them which motivates me.

They're abusing you White Elk. This needs to stop.

Strange. It has all been very strange. Sudden and near uncontrollable.

That's what happend with suicide. Most cases are sudden urges, which pass if a helpline, or similar, can delay the action for, say, 10 minutes.

Personally I think she needs a hard core dose of reality to make her more idependant so that she can operate within a community more effectively. But then her kids are invloved.

A hard-core dose of reality: this is what she needs. You say so yourself. And how will she get it if you're always there to clean up after her, making things bumble along just about to her satisfaction?

I dont feel suicidal now, but I didnt feel suicidal until I suddenly was. The despair remains. And I see no way outta here. But I think that dark wave has passed me now. If it should come again then I have a few people I can seek out now. And thank you Pasi for offering as well.

Any of us. You need help. You, yourself. You are in a very bad way. As I said before, you can't really help those poor children when you're so messed up yourself.
Don't be silly. Suicide is not normal. It shows that something is very wrong. You need to leave this situation. Take a trip, get into your art and find some jobs you enjoy. Your parents and sister have enough money to survive for a while: if anything goes seriously wrong, they can spend it on help, rather than fast food and junk. This is the perfect time.
I'm not a professional psychiatrist. I know little about how to break this sort of thing, but I do know that you need to get out. I'm not your friend, White Elk. I don't know you well enough yet. But I do want to help, and what you need most of all is to escape.
Your family are using you. You have issues of your own. You're being walked on. Those children aren't getting much of a lesson at the moment are they? Be kind and you'll be taken advantage of? You need to go away, build a life for yourself, and then by the time your family have run through their money, or need your help, you can invite those you want to help into your life.

You need to become a separate person. Family is important. I can see that for you this is especially true. But it's a give-and-take thing. They need to realise that you have needs. You need to find out what the problems with your hand and arms are, and if they can be cured.
From the sound of it, your problems are at least as bad as anyone else in your family. You haven't mentioned your father much, but I guess that he's ill in some way too, and that you care a lot for him.
You WILL help him more by living your own life, and bringing him into it, than by trying to shore up the life that is collapsing around your family.
I have seen poor families. People survive. It may hurt to see them in a bad way, but remember that you have admitted yourself that things are just overwhelming for you. Whereas your family can still afford to run an SUV. They may be making impractival decisions and bad lifestyle choices, but you must accept that they are free agents, and so are you. You cannot control them, and you shouldn't allow them to live your life either.
It is an annoying aspect of human psychology that people always invest in failure. Humans seem incapable of withdrawing from something that they have invested resources in, no matter how clear it is that it is a lost cause.
This is one of those times. You need to look after yourself. Your health is failing, but can be restored (or else you can act to stop it deteriorating). You need to invest in you.
You are the primary concern. You can't invest time in others if shortly you will be unable to invest any time at all. The best thing for you is to take a long time away. If you meet your family, meet outside of the house by taking them to eat a healthy meal at a restaurant.
Whether you care for your family, it makes no difference. You need to rehabilitate yourself first. Take this to a psychiatrist if you really want the strength of professional advice, but he'll agree.

 

[Nylan]

Criticizing someone who has just had thoughts of suicide is not the wisest idea. Teaching must be tempered with patience and understanding that you have no control over what they do. I'm sure he appreciates your advice, but next time I'd reccomend taking a less agressive stance with it.

 

[innonimatu]

There's no point in worrying about what you can't possibly change. Live and let live, you can't help everything and everybody. Take a break from reading bad news, the world is not really that different from what it has always been. It looks like you've already done plenty of small things to help other people, and that is what we common people can do. Do keep doing it and leading your own life - even if you have to give up on helping your mother and sister. Depression is useless and death you can always wait for.

I shouldn't presume to give advice on your family problems, I've been fortunate enough to have never experienced anything like it. But I will say this: I value my family, but I would never let them drive me to suicide. If you ever again consider dying for them, consider also living for yourself or/and any others you may come to find in the future. In other words, leave.

 

[Brighteye]

Criticizing someone who has just had thoughts of suicide is not the wisest idea. Teaching must be tempered with patience and understanding that you have no control over what they do. I'm sure he appreciates your advice, but next time I'd reccomend taking a less agressive stance with it.

My advice is worth no more than yours in this situation. I just say it the way I'd like someone to give it to me sometimes. White Elk has had thoughts of suicide, but now the problem is depression. People who are depressed or becoming depressed need one thing above all, and that's a change, some motivation and a goal.
I've never been very good at motivating other people, but as White Elk has found with his sister, playing touchy-feely really doesn't work much. There needs to be a plan, a goal, and something positive. It's a good maxim for everyone really.

 

[Abaddon]

She gained a couple hundred thousand US dollars which should set her and my Father up for life.

Woah, I thought they were poor and you were working to support them! With that kinda money hire in some help! Use the money to set yourself free. Build a castle with that sand

 

[Fëanor]

How comes you cant get Healthcare if your mother has just gained "a couple Hundred thousand US dollars"

 

[White Elk]

Brighteye you speak wisdom which I either inheriently or scientifically know. And I understand that I have some sort of issue otherwise that feeling would never had ruled me as it did. Its been there before at times but was usually a background feeling for which I sort of just briefly fantasized the notion of suicide. But one specific time I did set out to do it but that feeling was lost days before I could reach the trail summit. I dont think I ever really took it seriously. But now I have. I am ashamed publically for it, and I am mystified privately. It just came so sudden. Whatever issue I have I now attempt to resolve.

My family needs my help and would survive; but they would survive badly without my or someone elses assistance. Perhaps hiring a temporary laborer might be the best option. But paying someone near a $1000 a month isnt really an option either. Particularly if their work ethic is average. Despite her waste of money, money is an issue. Then there is the care for my aunt along with my sisters children. Then if the organizational issue of the severe clutter can be resolved there is a great deal of work to do to save money with the contractors for the home repairs that must be done not to mention that which would be great for them. The contractors charge a premium for the kind of work Id be lucky to be paid 12$ hr for.

I want to be rest assured that my parents have what they need to live a comfortable live which they deserve. They are my elders and they are my parents and they are in need of my help. That is first and foremost in my thoughts. They are not only my family but they are my parents and they now have my Fathers sister and my sister and her two kids to support. Then there are my sisters kids who are fatherless and look for rolemodels and shape their lives based upon what they experiance now. My sister is a carbon copy of my mother without my mothers caring ways. I do not want this to happen to my neice. And my nephew is 9 now and he looks to me and my Father for guidance and direction already. What they learn now will help or hurt them in their adult lives. I want to break that cycle. I want them and then my youngest nephew to experiance how a functioning household runs. What exists now will only hurt them.

My personal concerns pale in comparison to the needs of my familly. I would give my live for my family. They are my people. It matters not how they frustrate me. Real need is here and I cannot just abandon them. I did try it a couple times doing what I could do in a few months. Then without fail all that I had done was undone and worse. Then I actually gave up and figured so be it. I am done! But then I answered their call for help and moved them across states and saw just how bad it had became. In the preperation for the move my brother spent all his time partying and my older sister spent all her time talking and letting young Logan get in the way while Delany was young enough to need constant attention. My sisters husband at the time, an Orange County Sheriff, would not help my sister help her family in his time off. He wouldnt even watch his children while their mother supposedly came to help her family. All it did was adversly impact the work that was being done. Nor of course would he help us directly when matters of brute force were needed. And as expected that derelict does not pay child support after he left her, and his children miss him.

I left my life to help my parents move. My brother came with us and continued his selfish ways and it was up to my Father and I to fix this house and unpack 1 1/4 semi truck loads. 3/4s of a semi truck was moms stuff alone. It is still not all unpacked and mom clams up every time an effort is made to attempt to organize it. A compromise was made and she accepted putting much of it in a storage unit which I would organize in such a way as to provide a sorting table and space and then the little storage unit nearby was to be used for sorted storage. But then my sister came here just after my mother recieved settlement for her mothers estate. And now my sisters crap fills the units. Meanwhile my Fathers Mother passed away last fall and my mentally disabled aunt is now in our care. My walking up a sand hill analagy does not represent just how much ground I lose here. Every single step I take forward, I lose two steps at best.

I just cant turn my backs on them. They simply cannot do it without my help and my help is not enough. To leave would on paper sound great for solving my situation. But in reality for me to leave would kill me. I cannot abandon them ever. And now the need has gotten so great that although I have considered leaving (and my pack is always packed in case of emergency.. all I need to add is some clothes, food and water... ten minutes max, less if need be) their situation grows worse and my need to stay and help increases.

I am fine with that. But I must make forward progress. I give up alot to be here. Rural life is good enough if need be for me. But I want to be deeper. I want to live where I dont see my neighbors and cant here any traffic. I want to live my bliss, but I cannot live it while my family needs my help.

 

[White Elk]

Woah, I thought they were poor and you were working to support them! With that kinda money hire in some help! Use the money to set yourself free. Build a castle with that sand

My Fathers service and private retirement nearly cover the morgage and their living expense. Moms diabetes and a shite load of other ailments along with my Fathers lung problem leave them far short. On top of that they cover for my sisters exhusband who doesnt help to pay for his childrens expenses. Then they help my sister make ends meet while going to medical school in Southern Califronia where the cost of living is rather high. Then they pay what the government doesnt pay to support my aunt who is legally unable to care for herself.

That 200 grand should have been enough to fix this house with a few extras for their enjoyment. Instead it will be a struggle to get the fixes done and still allow for them to cover thier medical expenses till death. If we can ever get to the point where we can start work on the house, then I can save thousands by doing the labor myself. I already have some contractors who have agreed to allow me to do the labor. I have also made a deal for the septic contractor to trade all his labor minus material for me to labor on his property. Even so the septic and plumbing along with the electric and roofing will still not be cheap. My sister and mother thinks this is a lot of money. But they have no idea how little it really is. The houses I built were cheap arsed cracker boxes that went for over 500gs. 200 was land so only 300gs or so was the contracting and material. Retrofitting the 1950s era electric and plumbing in this house will cost a bundle. It will cost many times more than a new house install does. Even with me doing the demo and then final.

The house is a fire danger and both the electrical and plumbing is not to code and must be corrected. The roof needs repair and a few trees threaten the house. The septic MUST be replaced and other issues must be addressed. That money is really already spent. Though my mother and sister feel rich for a day... idiots.

 

[Narz]

I don't have any advice Elk. I can't tell you what to choose in life to make yourself happy. I do hope you choose life though (as corny as that sounds) and make the most of it. My best friend killed himself in 2005 and it was very tragic for me.

View life as a game and try to find ways to make it fun (or at least memorable) rather than just trying to win. We all die soon enough anyway.

 

[White Elk]

How comes you cant get Healthcare if your mother has just gained "a couple Hundred thousand US dollars"

I havent asked for a single dime and have turned away a few dimes! My family is aware of some aspect of my ailments but I play it down and make it much less than it is. If once the house is taken care of and they can get an account set up where the interest assures to cover their expenses till death, then perhaps then I would ask for a couple grand for the xrays, consultation and care I need. Until they are assured their future, I will ask nothing of them. Their health problems far outweigh mine and their options are far more limited than mine. My sister does not see it this way and to me she is a bloodsucking parasite.

 

[Kyriakos]

In therapy, White Elk, you would have had precicely to deal with your views about your family. How do you ever expect (you probably do not) to break free of your family, when the one person you appear to have personified with such a break-free (your sister) is being seen as a "blood-sucking parasite"?
Clearly this you have done so as to disable yourself even more from being whatever you think she is, and so you have built quite the matrix for yourself with such views.
You are not obliged to help your parents. But this is not the worst, the worst is that (as happens with everyone) you are not being really confined to such a life by your parents, but by your own self. You have issues which dissallow you from being more autonomous and moving out of the house. No one really gives up anything if he does not feel that he is made to, by his own emotions, which emotions have nothing much to do with others though, since they have to do with your own way of thinking.
Kids are supposed to get help from their parents. Parents are not supposed to get help from kids; if they ask for it then they are wrong; it is a burden and nothing else. Parents are the ones obliged by law to help their child to grow up, and support the child. Afterall they chose to have children, so they should have been ready for the responsibility which came with them (of course many parents are just not, and never become responsible, or are responsible in less perfect ways).

 

[RubricousMidget]

This is probably gonna come off as stupid, or ignorant, coming as it does from somebody who has gotten all the breaks in life, but, at some very small level that would pale to insignificance besides what your reality seems like, I understand how you feel, and how, despite intellectually understanding that things can't stay this way, you just can't see how it can get better.

I recognize the description of your sister. My cousin is very similar, and she has spent a long time moving in and out of institutions and treatment programs. She is miserable, but is unable to actually do anything about it because she just can't get off her butt and fulfill her responsibilities. Your mother sounds like she has a severe shopping addiction problem, and your father seems to be in much the same situation as you.
Apart from getting some psychological help for yourself, your sister and your parents, which you should try to do as early as possible, at least for yourself, have you considered selling off some of the junk your mother buys? This would clear up space and give you some money to work with.

Other than that, I can only say: Hang in there! From what I've read of your posts, you seem a very intelligent and caring fellow. I would be hard pressed to find anyone I, without knowing them very well (Or pretty much at all, never having actually spoken to you even online), would think more capable of handling the kind of difficulties you face.
Get a little bit of time for yourself! Read some, listen to music, or watch TV. I personally have found some kinds of science fiction to be a very good source of that kind of optimism which can brighten the horizon, but if that is not what floats your boat, find what does. If religion is important to you, read religious books, and if you find hope in science, find some stuff to read about that. Or, if the current state of the world seems to be hopeless, read some fantasy or some literature which portrays the world in a positive light. If you find yourself feeling isolated or lonely, try to get in touch with some people you'd like to be around; they're less rare than you might think.
Just find something to take your mind off things and allow you to think about stuff that seems hopeful.

I hope none of this comes off as being shallow, or uninformed, or arrogant (I apparently do that more often than intended). I'm still very young, and I haven't really experienced anything horrible or heartbreaking yet.

 

[nc-1701]

I'm not a professional, but what you need is just a little time to clear your emotions. I suggest you leave for a short time, 2 weeks-a month. Go out in the wilderness you so enjoy don't meet other people just immerse yourself in nature. Try to clear your mind, as it is you aren't able to help your family at all. Then when you come back feeling mentally refreshed try one last time to fix everything. To do this you'll need to talk to your family, tell them how you feel tell them what you told us. Make them understand you can't do this forever.

Finally remember that you are more helpfull to your family alive than dead. You need to think of yourself some more. Try to make better friends, if you have none who could have helped at a time ike this that's a very bad thing. Have your health problems looked at, remember if this is part of something horrible which could be stopped then your family is far better off if you take their money, and get them fixed. Than if you don't, and then die/are so debiltated you can no longer help them.

 

[White Elk]

Before I attempt to respond to posts here I just want to assure everyone that all is well enough for me. Reaching the edge, then looking down, and then walking away has changed me somewhat. I feel like that ugly option is finally really off the table now. So I am left considering only practical solutions.


Actually rather than respond to prior posts in some quote fest fashion I think I will try and respond to them in a general way which will also clarify some of what I have said earlier. But there is a couple things I want to directly respond to...


A poster said... "You have issues which dissallow you from being more autonomous and moving out of the house." I didnt think this was the case, but seeing as how I am currently confused I spent much time looking at this. But I just dont see it. What kept me going is that I would soon be able to head back to My life. Which is a nice, simple, organized, and self-sufficient ultra-rural existance. When I was just past 20 yrs old I took off from all comforts including society. I left the city with my house on my back. I travelled with a friend for a couple years and then I decided to travel alone. I did this for many more years. In all I travelled for near ten years. It was just me and my backpack and the road. The world was my doorstep; My backpack was my house; And for most of it I was alone. Either in the woods or looking for seasonal work to support another batch of travel bliss. I travelled and I meet people on the road and people at work. I had short stays with mountain communities and I shared my life at some Lakota ceremonies. But all these people were gone just as soon as I hit the road again. I was alone. I was more selfsufficient than my society normally allows for; And I was truley autonomous in a way that few experiance. How much more autonomous can you get without being like my hero Richard Proenneke?



Some have spoken of things relating to a childs responsiblity for their parents. I am stubborn in my beleif that family takes care of family. Beyond that I feel a certain debt to my parents for them raising me up in my early years. Sure they choose to have me and my siblings. But for me one of the things that sets us humans apart from the beasts is our commitment to family. For me it is natural for parents to give up the best years years of their life to raise up the next generation. Then that generation does the same and as the elders grow old and need help, then their offspring honor them and assist them in the last leg of their life. And naturally then the youth are blessed with the wisdom of the elders.

If not for this family support then I think there would be no humans today. We were not a solitary beast. Our kind has relied on its own from the begining of our time. Unlike other beasts we are not mature enough to live on our own for 10-12 years. And nowdays its like 18 years and more. Multi-generational family units have been the key to our survival. And so to do I think it will always be. Our survival is based on those that come before us. The last couple hundred years have allowed 'civilized man' to begin to stray from the family unit. It is very bad now in 'modern societies'. We have immature children raising newborn children causing problems for the whole of our society. We become individuals and forget the community. We may have our gatherings of Christmass and Easters and Weddings and funerals and such. But by and large we are a society of individuals who would even abandon our parents to some nasty nursing home rather than honor them in our homes and allow them to impart wisdom upon our youth. To pursue this disassociation with the family another hundred years or so will spell our doom I think. But if we get back to the basics then I think we will live long and prosper.

I am stubborn in my believe that it is the natural order of things that when our parents need help we help them. If not for them we would not be here. They willingly sacrificed for us, and we should do the same. I think 'modern society' has its head up its arse with all its toys and trinkets which take precedence over people. I offer my bliss in life to help my elders. For I have much time and they have little.

 

[White Elk]

I love and respect my family. My mother has difficulties. As does my sister. And so do I along with all the rest of my family. But who doesnt really? My mothers troubles are big and affect many. My sister follows in mothers footsteps and now has moved here (nearby) which makes it even more difficult for me to help my parents get over the results of my mothers 'clutter sickness'. Beyond mothers cluttered ways and her shop-a-holic syndrome, there are other serious concerns which must be addressed. Cheif among them is the electrical and plumbing of their home. Far worse is that there is a mildew problem which realistically threatens my fathers life. He has emphysema and the presence of this mildew will likely shorten his life. This same sickness also prevents him from seriously being able to tear down the drywall and then install fresh drywall... then mud it, tape, sand, and paint it. But before any of that can be done the house Must be de-cluttered so the real work can be begin. But as quickly as space is made, the space is filled up with more crap. I cant keep up with it. And dad could never even though hes like the 'energizer bunny' and works hard and never gives up but with his lungs he can only do so much before his body doesnt get the oxygen it needs to fuel his muscles. He works to the point of fainting for lack of oxygen.

Now my single mothered sister and her two kids are here. And now my disabled elderly aunt is also here and in our care. My aunt needs a great deal of assistance, as does my sister with her two kids. Then there is the outside stuff that must be dealt with. Trees threaten the house, and Blackberry and Stinging Nettle constanly threaten to take over the land. My parents are approaching 70 yrs old. Yet they activelly support my fathers elderly disabled aunt and my single mothered sister with her two kids. Additionally they help put my younger sister through medical school, and help support my brother and his wife and their one year old.

Now my mother has recently gained some 200 thousand dollars. At one time I though that would set them up for live. But it won't. Not at this pace. The money that is wasted, and is used by the kids... along with my parents medical expences will not leave enough to cover the home repairs, land tax, and allow for my parents to live comfortable middleclass lives like they deserve. I dont want dad to have to take another job and work till his death. He served his country for 22 years, and warred for us three times. Then he worked for McDonnell Douglas/Boeing for another 2 decades. He has earned his age. I dont want him to die earlier than need be. I want to help them fix this house so they can relax and enjoy their last 20 years and hopefully more. I also want to help them make this home into such a place as I remember my grandparents as. When I was young my parents did the best they good with what they had but it was far from ideal. Same for my sisters kids. As I was growing up it was my grandparents homestyle which I wanted to model my life after. I hope to help my parents be the grandparents that their parents were for me.

I can do things that father cannot do. Mother and sister act counter to this. I feel like I walk up a sand hill taking one step forward and losing two steps backward. When I leave or give up then all I have accomplished gets buried under the muck. I MUST continue forward, though I make no real progress. To stop for a moment is to lose ALL gains.. yet to continue foward is to just fight preciously for a toehold which just maintains my gains but doesnt move me closer to the summit. In this case the summit being the point where I can start demolishing the old walls so the electricians and plumbers can come in and do their thing so I can put the walls back together. Then I can leave being rest assured that they are fine. But to leave now would kill me inside for I would be abadoning them to a suffering they need not suffer. My suffering does not matter for it was always supposed to be temporary. My problem lies in that there seems to be no way up this summit I must pass. I do tend to be prone to depression but freedom and fresh air is my cure all. But forward progress and sustained success works to nullify the symptoms. None of this is present in my life right now. And if I leave now and abandon my family, then I fear that even freedom and freshair will no longer cure my depression. And no amount of forward progress will nullify the pain I would feel for leaving them in their greatest time of need.

 

[CaptainF]

Wow. I can say this, I've never been emotionally as low as suicide, though I have been pretty damn depressed.

Me thinks that you need to live for yourself a little bit. Don't give up on your family completely, but maybe try to strike a balance.

Otherwise, hold your head. Life goes on.

 

[IglooDame]

Beyond mothers cluttered ways and her shop-a-holic syndrome, there are other serious concerns which must be addressed. Cheif among them is the electrical and plumbing of their home. Far worse is that there is a mildew problem which realistically threatens my fathers life. He has emphysema and the presence of this mildew will likely shorten his life. This same sickness also prevents him from seriously being able to tear down the drywall and then install fresh drywall... then mud it, tape, sand, and paint it. But before any of that can be done the house Must be de-cluttered so the real work can be begin. But as quickly as space is made, the space is filled up with more crap.

In this case the summit being the point where I can start demolishing the old walls so the electricians and plumbers can come in and do their thing so I can put the walls back together.

Is locking your mother and sister into a room for a day while you move the crap unceremoniously out into the yard and start demolishing the walls an option? For it seems to me in reading what you've wrote that you are respecting her clutteriness rather than confronting it in a constructive way. If you are saving your father's life, extreme measures may be warranted.