'The Dark Tower' series.

[Mouthwash]

Think about the original Star Wars series. Now I want you to imagine a slightly alternate timeline.

I want you to imagine that Lucas released the original and Empire as they are, but soon after was injured in an accident and wanted to make some changes to RotJ. Specifically, he wanted to scrap the entire plot and make it a metafiction.

Let's say Luke Skywalker and Leia fell into a black hole leading to the Star Trek universe, where he had them meet the Star Trek characters, who then join them on a mission to rescue Han Solo from the clutches of Jabba the Hutt (who turns out to be the ruler of the Planet of the Apes- however much sense that makes). Later, it is revealed that Darth Vader lied about being Luke's father and is actually Hal 9000. Luke's father was really Obi-Wan who was not killed in his duel with HAL but teleported away at the last moment. Obi-Wan secretly escaped along with them and followed Luke with Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, whispering advice to him (Lucas makes changes to the original film to make the plot points fit). HAL 9000 escapes from Luke, but is randomly killed after a shady business deal with a gambler turns sour. The gambler turns out to be the emperor's servant. Luke and Han find their way to a mysterious planet called "Earth" where they discover that their lives were written by a man called George Lucas. George promises to continue writing their story after Luke dies in the real life car accident saving George's life (they then erase his memory).

Han leaves Earth and is reunited with Leia and a mysterious woman named Ellen Ripley. They discover that the emperor's servant, who turns out to be his son, is tailing them. He Leia and almost kills them, but Obi-Wan reappears and trips the Emperor's son, causing him to be shot in the head by Han (Obi-Wan then dies of old age). Ripley leaves to an alternate universe where doubles of Han, Luke (but not Leia) await her and she lives happily ever after. Han flies to Coruscant, where he discovers the Emperor has been deposed and is locked away inside his castle. He finds his way in, but the Emperor (who looks and sounds like Santa Claus) throws cherry bombs at him. A magical boy then draws the Emperor and erases him, thereby erasing him in real life. Han is free to plunder the castle, but discovers an evil, cursed artifact, made from unobtainium, a metal that the Emperor wiped out a race a blue cat-people to get. It traps him in a time loop (he goes back to being a smuggler on Tatooine and the series repeats itself) until he discovers the meaning of true love. The end.

When questioned, Lucas claimed that he wanted to "unite the world of science fiction under one roof" and said that he was satisfied with the result. The film later won multiple awards and was critically acclaimed.

Does this seem ridiculous to you? Because Stephen King's "magnum opus" couldn't have been any more.

 

[Kozmos]

I sense great disappointment in this one.

 

[MobBoss]

Heard a rumor that Ron Howard may be making this or is shopping around for a studio to pick it up. Early word was that Roland would be played by Russell Crowe.

 

[Mouthwash]

Heard a rumor that Ron Howard may be making this or is shopping around for a studio to pick it up. Early word was that Roland would be played by Russell Crowe.

Uhm... how could they even think that this is acceptable for a movie? I'll grant that the first three books are, but still.

 

[Core Imposter]

The Dark Tower series is about the only thing of King's that I've never read.

 

[Mouthwash]

The Dark Tower series is about the only thing of King's that I've never read.

Read books one, two and three (they're some of the best King has ever written). Pretend that the series ended right there and was never finished. That's what I do.

 

[Chukchi Husky]

You forgot to mention characters named after rock bands, psychic furries who try to destroy all of existence and the ending with Han is not the real ending, but an ending for those people who find no enjoyment in life and just want to find out how it ends.

 

[Mouthwash]

You forgot to mention characters named after rock bands, psychic furries who try to destroy all of existence and the ending with Han is not the real ending, but an ending for those people who find no enjoyment in life and just want to find out how it ends.

Of course I don't think that the ending is the only thing worth reading for, but in this case it was. I don't understand what he meant by saying "endings were goodbyes" because even if he stopped in the middle it would still be goodbye (only immensely more unsatisfying). It's like saying it's better to be frozen during middle age and kept unconscious rather than live out your natural lifespan and die a natural death. Makes absolutely no sense philosophically.

And King should really get into the epistemology of art. He'd enjoy that.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

The line "the man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed" seems to work surprisingly well in this scenario.

 

[Farm Boy]

Ah, I see you entered the reading of this series with the expectation that books which are critically acclaimed can be so good that if you read them they will reward you with a career as a judge in the fellatio contest industry.

The books are good. Top notch even. Trippy cool. All that. But they can't be for everyone, nothing ever is.

 

[Mouthwash]

The line "the man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed" seems to work surprisingly well in this scenario.

Even before I finished the last book I half suspected that he would try and end the series using that same line but I dismissed it as going too far, even for him.

Anyway, the biggest slap in the face was going back and revising the original book. I mean, the man in black just left a freaking skeleton there and escaped? It is really the equivalent of having Darth Vader lie about being Luke's father.

 

[Zack]

Let's say Luke Skywalker and Leia fell into a black leading to the Star Trek universe

Immediately stopped reading after this line. Sounds unbelievably stupid.

 

[Supr49er]

I enjoyed the series. I also thought it ended the only way it could have.
I can't see it as a movie though.

 

[Mouthwash]

Immediately stopped reading after this line. Sounds unbelievably stupid.

I wouldn't recommend you read this series, then.

 

[bhsup]

How about Col. O'Neill, Maj. Carter, Daniel Jackson, and Teal'c step through the Stargate and emerge through the time portal of the Guardian. Teal'c and Spock get into an eye-arching contest with one another, alternating verbal jabs of "Fascinating" and "Indeed." Kirk kisses Sam, which prompts Jack to shoot Kirk.

( I cannot take credit for this. Read something like it ages ago somewhere else.)

 

[Leoreth]

How about Col. O'Neill, Maj. Carter, Daniel Jackson, and Teal'c step through the Stargate and emerge through the time portal of the Guardian. Teal'c and Spock get into an eye-arching contest with one another, alternating verbal jabs of "Fascinating" and "Indeed." Kirk kisses Sam, which prompts Jack to shoot Kirk.

( I cannot take credit for this. Read something like it ages ago somewhere else.)

That would be awesome!