The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0

[Bucephalus]

Two unemployed Irishmen are browsing through the job ads;

Says Murphy, "What about this one, 'tree fellers wanted'? ".

"That's no good", Paddy replies, "there's only two of us!"

*********************

Later they pass the Police Station where they see a poster, "West Indian wanted for rape".

Says Paddy, "the friggin' blacks get all the best jobs!"

 

[Bucephalus]

How does the U.S. Navy seperate the men from the boys?

Spoiler :

With a crowbar.

 

[WhiteEagle22]

Q: What did the banana say to the judge after he read the guilty verdict?

Spoiler :

A: I'll appeal!

 

[Zack]

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

[WhiteEagle22]

Here's 3 that are certain to bust your gut:

Q: Where can you find a bunch of tea?

Spoiler :

A: In the middle of water.

Q: Why did the little boy put ice cubes in his dad's bed?

Spoiler :

A: He liked cold pop!

Q: What did one banana say to another?

Spoiler :

A: Time to split!

 

[Zack]

^I think you need to necro the Lame Jokes thread.

 

[WhiteEagle22]

^I think you need to necro the Lame Jokes thread.

They made people laugh, so I decided to post them.

 

[LastLegionare]

Are you sure you they weren't dead when you told them?

The abominable snowman, the lochness monster, and a smart blonde are playing slapjack. Who will slap the jack first?


None. There all mythical creatures.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

Guy at work hears from his friends about a callgirl who's terribly expensive but really worth it. So he decides to check her out. He goes to her address in a luxury highrise condo, and rings the doorbell.

A stunning woman answers, "Yes?"

He tells her, "You were highly recommended so I thought I'd check you out."

She replies, "I'm very expensive, so what did you have in mind?"

"Well," he hesitates, "maybe I should start with something cheaper, like a hand work, maybe?"

"Come with me," she beckons, and leads him to a large window. "See that Lamborghini down there? That's my car. I bought it with the money I made from my hand work."

"Oh, god," thinks the guy, but he's determined to find out how good she is. So he cleans out his entire wallet and discovers that it was the most incredible experience he's ever had. But it takes him struggling through the next two weeks until he gets paid again. Now he decides to check her out further. Again he rings her doorbell, and again she answers. "I've got to try some more," he tells her, "maybe oral this time."

So she beckons him to follow her again to the window. Drawing back the drapes, she points out a shopping center undergoing construction. "See that shopping center?" she asks. "I own that land and I'm building that shopping center just from the money I make from doing oral."

The guy practically gives up, but if it would be anything like the last visit, he couldn't pass it up. This time, it maxes out his credit card. And it was, without a doubt, an incredible delight never before experienced.

Of course, it takes a few months to get his credit back in order, but then he decides that he has to find out if the ultimate experience is all that he'd imagine. So he's back at her condo. "I've got to know," he says, "what it's like to go ALL the way with you."

She beckons him over to the picture window again. Drawing back the drape, she asks, "See that bridge over there?"

"Oh, come on!" he exclaims. "Don't try telling me that you own that bridge!"

She replies, "No, but if I had a vagína, I would."

 

[Huayna Capac357]

I don't get it.

 

[CCRunner]

It's a transvestite

 

[Zack]

She's not a she.

 

[holy king]

Link to video.

 

[Omni314]

you know, shakespeare was always accosted by the dudes putting on his plays about what the costumes should be like
but he was adamant that it didn't matter
the actual words were what was important
dude was so prose before hose

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

Mullah Nasreddin, master troll.

Once Nasreddin was invited to deliver a sermon. When he got on the pulpit, he asked, "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "no", so he announced, "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about!" and left.
The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time, when he asked the same question, the people replied "yes". So Nasreddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time!" and left.
Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "yes" while the other half replied "no". So Nasreddin said "Let the half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the half who don't," and left.

 

[Omni314]

Letter Sent By College Student To His Dad



Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is
a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

 

[Zack]

How to write a paper in college/university:


1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.

19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.

26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.

 

[cardgame]

Product X! Now with free lifetime warranty!*

*warranty void upon purchase

 

[Fr8monkey]

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.

 

[Onionsoilder]

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.