#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

[Eran of Arcadia]

This was the basis for a car commercial; the guy managed to make his clothes look disheveled and got lipstick on his collar - but she knew . . . he had been out driving again.

 

[Sophie 378]

How many legs does a cow have?


Sixteen!


Two at the front, two at the back, two on the left, two on the right, four on the underneath and one at each corner.

 

[Catharsis]

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Art.

 

[Abaddon]

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. See what happens when you only take an eye?

The world would be full of pirates!

AAArrrrr!

 

[cidknee]

did you hear about the dyslexic who wanted to go online?

he saw DSL and was hooked.

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

'Course, he had to give up coffee to use DSL . . .

 

[Scratcher]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 

[Swedishguy]

What do you call a man doing pushups all day?
Well, either overmuscled or dead.

That was funny, wasn't it?

 

[Heretic_Cata]

Ressurecting thread. Was this posted ?

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an *******!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, *******," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

 

[Abaddon]

Thats wicked (6)

 

[Heretic_Cata]

Whoa i just noticed the autocensor choped it.
The ******* = a****le

I really should try calling someone at random and yelling "YOU'RE AN A****LE".
Doing the whole scheme would be too evil.

 

[trader/warrior]

This suit is black not.

 

[Dragonlord]

#489 is awesome... sheer genius!

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

This suit is black not.

Nice to make your day Jew.

 

[Jawz II]

Its the austrailians aight?

Dude it's:


Monty Python

And that joke is from their hollywood (or las vegas) show. Theyre english.

 

[nonconformist]

Well, this thread sure went downhill.

 

[ArneHD]

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

Edit: From this site.

 

[Love]

Dude it's:


Monty Python

And that joke is from their hollywood (or las vegas) show. Theyre english.

I thought they where aussies on the show...

 

[puglover]

Standard USA Math Test Questions

1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

 

[Sophie 378]

Silly story doing the rounds in emails:

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking myself and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly woman ..........why else would I buy dog food??

Note: I have sternly resisted the impulse to correct the spelling and grammar; I just bowdlerised it slightly to meet the forum rules.