#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

[aslindy]

A man isn't feeling well, so he visits his doctor. The doctor runs a bunch of tests, then comes in and tells the man, "I'm sorry, you have a serious disease. It's always fatal."

Totally shocked, the man says, "That's terrible!! How long do I have?"

The doctor says, "Five"

"Five what?" asks the man. "Weeks? Months? Years?"

And the doctor says, "Four..."

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

An Englishman is visiting Belfast. He leaves a pub one night and is soon set upon by two men. One of the men asks, "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

Knowing his answer could have important implications to his health, he ponders the question for a bit, has a stroke of cleverness, and answers, "I am an Atheist."

The man continues: "Are you a Catholic Atheist . . ."

 

[classical_hero]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Coulda sworn I just read that one...

 

[Dreadnought]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

12/10. Brilliant!

 

[Ziggy Stardust]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an advert in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was queer and the other one a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the queer one, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house rather than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hour's every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said...

Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

...........

 

[KaiserElectric]

Why is it quoted twice?

 

[salty mud]

Because two people posted the same joke.

 

[classical_hero]

I had not bothered to read the previous page. I did not realised you posted it that soon.

 

[Yeekim]

Warning: jokes below may be considered pretty offensive.

Q: How many Jews fit into Volkswagen beetle?
A:

Spoiler :

Twenty-seven: Four onto the seats and 23 into the ashtray.

Edit: I was just reminded of another one...

There is a large traffic jam on Spanish highway. A driver is sitting in a car, wondering what might be the problem, while suddenly some guys knock on the window.
The driver opens the window and asks: "Well, what is the problem?"
"A group of muslim terrorists has kidnapped four British soccer fans. They threaten to pour them over with gasoline and burn them alive, unless they are paid one million euros.
So we just organized a fundraising."
"I see. And how much do people donate on average?"

Spoiler :

"On average? I'd say around a gallon..."

 

[nonconformist]

An Englishman is visiting Belfast. He leaves a pub one night and is soon set upon by two men. One of the men asks, "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

Knowing his answer could have important implications to his health, he ponders the question for a bit, has a stroke of cleverness, and answers, "I am an Atheist."

The man continues: "Are you a Catholic Atheist . . ."

An englishman is walking down a Belfast road one night, adequately pissed from the pub.
As he walks down the road, he just sees a shadow move behind him, and he hears the cocking of a gun.
"Stop" he hears "be ye Catholic or Protestant?"
Knowing that giving the wrong answer could well get him kneecapped or worse, he thinks himself clever and answers "Jew, actually"
From behind him he hears "Well, ain't I the luckiest Arab alive?"

 

[Deep Thought]

Does Mr. T drink coffee or Tea?

Spoiler :

I don't know, but I do know that he pities fools.

 

[aimeeandbeatles]

How many Beatles does it take to change a light bulb?

Four...
John to come up with a light bulb
Paul to claim half of the light bulb
George to complain his lights bulbs are never considered
and Ringo, to actually change the light bulb.

 

[KaiserElectric]

I have a friend who would lynch you for posting that joke.

 

[aimeeandbeatles]

oh really?

 

[Huayna Capac357]

O Rly?????

 

[Dreadnought]

I chuckled at this one:

A [insert nationality/color here] guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare, so I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're BSing me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

*

In a court room. A lawyer is asking the witness a question.

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."

 

[KaiserElectric]

oh really?

Yes. She's a hardcore Beatles fan.

 

[Mise]

Yes. She's a hardcore Beatles fan.

omg so is aimee!!!

 

[Onionsoilder]

Sorry if this was already posted, only read 10 pages so far:

A girl calls up her boyfriend and invites him to have dinner with her parents. He seemed reluctant, so she told him if he came over she would go all the way with him. Since it was his first time, he drove over to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist there about protection. After about half an hour of talking to the pharmacist about all the different types of protection, he decided to go with the Family Pack of condoms, casually remarking to the pharmacist "I will probably busy".

Later that night, the boy arrives at his girlfriend's house. He walks in the door, and sits down to eat. He then offers to say prayer. After 10 minutes, he is still in prayer, with everyone staring at him. After 20 minutes of praying, his girlfriend leans over and whispers "I had no idea you were so religious.", to which he replies, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist".