Kennigit
proud 2 boxer
^^ That's not that bad. Here would be a bad one:
Why did aimeeandbeatles cross the road?
To see Tom Petty
Why did aimeeandbeatles cross the road?
To see Tom Petty
#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
- Start date
- Status
whats the first thing a woman should do after getting back from the hospital?
the dishes if she's smart.
salty mud
Deity
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
Onionsoilder
Reaver
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2007
- Messages
- 3,173
The engineers are in a car that breaks down in the middle of the desert.
The mechanical engineer says "Maybe it's a stuck value."
The electrical engineer says "Maybe it's the spark plugs..."
The software engineer says "I know! Lets all get out of the car, get back in, and see if that fixes it!"
The mechanical engineer says "Maybe it's a stuck value."
The electrical engineer says "Maybe it's the spark plugs..."
The software engineer says "I know! Lets all get out of the car, get back in, and see if that fixes it!"
Thorvald of Lym
A Little Sketchy
Sometimes I wonder why I still hang out on this forum.
Then we get conversation like this:
<knowltok2> You'd have thought being stopped from burning witches would have finished them, but they kept right on chugging along.
<Erik Mesoy> Incidentally, what is wrong with burning witches, assuming we mean actual witches and not Wiccans or some other kind of mildly loopy but fundamentally harmless New Ager?
<silver 2039> You can build a bridge out of them. Burning is a waste.
<philippe> On that notion I'm reading a great account on the Cathars, I have to say, marking them with a grand yellow cross is way more effective.
<knowltok2> Uh hello, greenhouse gas emmissions? You been living under a rock, or just chalking up all the studies on witch-carbon emmissions as junk science? Witches are probably the best known carbon-sink we've got, and people like you want to burn them just because of a few errant curses.
Moron.
<El Machinae> Plus, if they can turn sticks into snakes, maybe they can turn pebbles into various amphibians which are currently threatened by excess pollution.
<Erik Mesoy> Am I supposed to be taking lectures on emissions from a guy who can't even spell the name of his subject matter? It's obvious that you have no clue what you're talking about.
But I'll humor you: Witch-carbon emissions are far smaller than the results of "a few stray curses", as you so mildly put it. Half of all witches, on average, used to curse a man's house to be struck by lightning, and even though less than one in ten houses catches on fire as a result of this, the carbon emissions from burning houses are more than twenty times the carbon emissions from burning witches.
(Lightning rods don't help; the curse specifically targets the house and not obvious diversions.)
<knowltok2> Look pal, I was cursed by a witch at birth to have poor spelling. And even with that, I'm not out there calling for witch-burnings. I think they ought to do time, and in extreme cases be hung, but I won't stand for any more witch burnings given the state of our environment.
<El Machinae> Carbon and pollution resulting from wiccan-based curses aren't factored into the equations, because the gods usually scrub any pollution resulting from flexing their spiritual might.
I don't know about witches, though.
<augurey> Wiccan curses are carbon neutral.
Then we get conversation like this:
<knowltok2> You'd have thought being stopped from burning witches would have finished them, but they kept right on chugging along.
<Erik Mesoy> Incidentally, what is wrong with burning witches, assuming we mean actual witches and not Wiccans or some other kind of mildly loopy but fundamentally harmless New Ager?
<silver 2039> You can build a bridge out of them. Burning is a waste.
<philippe> On that notion I'm reading a great account on the Cathars, I have to say, marking them with a grand yellow cross is way more effective.
<knowltok2> Uh hello, greenhouse gas emmissions? You been living under a rock, or just chalking up all the studies on witch-carbon emmissions as junk science? Witches are probably the best known carbon-sink we've got, and people like you want to burn them just because of a few errant curses.
Moron.
<El Machinae> Plus, if they can turn sticks into snakes, maybe they can turn pebbles into various amphibians which are currently threatened by excess pollution.
<Erik Mesoy> Am I supposed to be taking lectures on emissions from a guy who can't even spell the name of his subject matter? It's obvious that you have no clue what you're talking about.
But I'll humor you: Witch-carbon emissions are far smaller than the results of "a few stray curses", as you so mildly put it. Half of all witches, on average, used to curse a man's house to be struck by lightning, and even though less than one in ten houses catches on fire as a result of this, the carbon emissions from burning houses are more than twenty times the carbon emissions from burning witches.(Lightning rods don't help; the curse specifically targets the house and not obvious diversions.)
<knowltok2> Look pal, I was cursed by a witch at birth to have poor spelling. And even with that, I'm not out there calling for witch-burnings. I think they ought to do time, and in extreme cases be hung, but I won't stand for any more witch burnings given the state of our environment.
<El Machinae> Carbon and pollution resulting from wiccan-based curses aren't factored into the equations, because the gods usually scrub any pollution resulting from flexing their spiritual might.
I don't know about witches, though.
<augurey> Wiccan curses are carbon neutral.
Bigfoot3814
Deity
Woman is killed in a motorcycle accident. What do we learn from this?
Spoiler :
holy king
Deity
what is black and blue and not in the mood for sex?
Spoiler :
KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3,461
At a particular college, a girl broke up with her boyfriend because she met someone better. The ex-boyfriend was upset and continued to badger her to let him back. She said no. The practice continued for almost the entire year until the girlfriend got tired of it and sent a picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend to her ex-boyfriend to show him that it was over. Undaunted, he sent the picture to her parents with a note on the back.
Dear Parents,
Hi Mom, hi Dad! College is a blast! Please send money!
Love,
![[party]](/images/smilies/partytime.gif "Party [party]")
200th post!!!
Dear Parents,
Hi Mom, hi Dad! College is a blast! Please send money!
Love,
200th post!!! 
Firestorm94
zuh?
I think this is from Animaniacs or some show like that
"what is the definition of procrastination?"
"I'll tell ya tomorrow."
"what is the definition of procrastination?"
"I'll tell ya tomorrow."
continuation of said joke: here take twenty dollars and give ten to your sister.
PeteAtoms
FormulaRandom
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Spoiler :
actually it means hes cheap...
CCRunner
Deity
- Joined
- May 13, 2008
- Messages
- 3,132
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Veritass
Emperor
Q. What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Spoiler :
Gooblah
Heh...
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2007
- Messages
- 4,282
Q. What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Spoiler :
Harsh, inappropriate, and cruel....
But so . .. .. .. .ing true...
CCRunner
Deity
- Joined
- May 13, 2008
- Messages
- 3,132
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for
the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was
being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane
came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an
island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no
supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas
and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but
decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily
for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking
for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.
Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the
island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and
her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and
screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on
this island when my cruise ship sank".
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must
have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing
else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island,
replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches,
I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came
from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you
do that?"
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island
there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into forgeable ductile iron.I used that for tools, and used the
tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "
Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on
the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got
into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully
woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree,
there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please,
would you like to have a drink?"
"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how
about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the
man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman
asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even
on the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs
in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground
edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The
man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to
sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned
wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of
gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long
time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been
lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all
men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have
right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman
while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me ... do you happen to
have an Internet connection?"
the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was
being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane
came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an
island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no
supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas
and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but
decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily
for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking
for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.
Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the
island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and
her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and
screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on
this island when my cruise ship sank".
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must
have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing
else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island,
replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches,
I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came
from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you
do that?"
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island
there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into forgeable ductile iron.I used that for tools, and used the
tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "
Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on
the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got
into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully
woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree,
there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please,
would you like to have a drink?"
"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how
about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the
man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman
asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even
on the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs
in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground
edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The
man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to
sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned
wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of
gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long
time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been
lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all
men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have
right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman
while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me ... do you happen to
have an Internet connection?"
- Status
