The Llamast Jokes Thread... 3

[Uncle Sparky]

A friend of mine told me she was seeing spots before her eyes.
I asked her if she had seen a doctor.
She replied, "No, just spots."

 

[odpadnik]

My grandpa has the heart of a lion.

And a life-time ban from the zoo.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

My new bakery policy - Every purchase begins with, "I'm gay and I'd like you to bake our wedding cake".
If they say, "Yes, no problem.", I'll explain I'm just testing them, and really need a dozen eclairs.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

When someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them, "I do porn".

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey till I turned myself around.

 

[Arakhor]

A man took to replacing all the nouns in his sentences with emojis of percussion instruments. He was really bad at communicating but great at cymballising things.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

In a couple of weeks Trump will meet with Putin in Helsinki, Russia... oops, I forgot... Spoiler Alert!

 

[Uncle Sparky]

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender said, "Wow. After all my years as a bartender, I've never had a weasel in here. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Yesterday, I saw an ad that said, 'Radio for sale. $1. Volume stuck on full.'

I thought, 'I can't turn that down!'

 

[PhroX]

So my local curry house has started serving a dish called a chicken tarka. It's like a tikka, but a little 'otter.

 

[Arakhor]

I'm stealing that one immediately.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

An ancient Greek walks into a tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants...
"Euripides?", asks the tailor.
"Yes. Eumenides?", replies the man.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

When Trump called Germany "captive to Russia", I wonder if he was just forgetting he hadn't signed that agreement with Putin yet...

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.

 

[PhroX]

Why do bald people have no need for keys?

Because they've lost their locks

 

[Arakhor]

They should have combed the hairier to find them then.

 

[Ozbenno]

What is big, grey and not very important?

An irrelephant.

 

[Fr8monkey]

What is brown and rhymes with 'snoop'?

Spoiler :

Dr. Dre

 

[PhroX]

Why did the bigamist cross the road?

To get to the other bride.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Why did the sailor cross the road?
To get to the other tide.

Why did the lion cross the road?
To get to the other pride.

Why did the tanner cross the road?
To get to the other hide.

Why did the amino acid cross the road?
To get to the other peptide.