The Llamast Jokes Thread... 3

[Uncle Sparky]

EGG NOG RECIPE:
Take one teaspoon of nutmeg, arrange it in a line using a credit card, and snort it.

Chase with three consecutive shots of rum.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Sex with no-strings-attached has ruined my marionette fetish.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Yesterday I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so rude...

 

[Serutan]

Jesus walks in to a motel, puts 3 nails on the counter, and asks the clerk if he can put him up somewhere for the night.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Mexico has just announced they are going to build a ladder.

 

[rah]

Son asks dad if he can take the Porsche out for his date.
Dad responds, as soon as you learn how to spell way with an F
Son, but dad, there is no "F in way"

 

[Uncle Sparky]

I tried using 'beefstew' as a password. It was rejected because it wasn't stroganoff...

 

[Uncle Sparky]

The Borowitz Report (NY Times): The so-called polar vortex caused hundreds of injuries across the Midwest today, as people who said “so much for global warming” and similar comments were punched in the face.

 

[Lohrenswald]

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Happy 'Year of the Pig'!! I know I'll probably still be writing 'Dog' on my cheques for the next couple of weeks...

 

[Ozbenno]

Q: What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything

 

[Arakhor]

Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his Pixar film DVDs, except one. He's never going to give you Up.

 

[Ozbenno]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he did to them but I was tripping all day.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

My wife left me because I'm so insecure... No, wait. She's back. She just left the room to make some tea...

 

[Uncle Sparky]

March 17 (St. Patrick's Day) is over. Please resume your normal nationality until Cinco de Mayo.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

If poison is past its expiration date, is it more poisonous or less poisonous?... asking for a friend.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

No one is sure how the Notre Dame fire started, but Quasimodo has a hunch...

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Apparently, putting Alka Seltzer in your mouth during communion and pretending you're possessed is not funny...

 

[Lohrenswald]

I don't get it

 

[Arakhor]

Alka Seltzer produces a froth when exposed to water. I have no idea what would happen if you introduced it to saliva.