I’ve been off work today with a nasty case of manflu, putting me in quite the reflective mood. Perhaps this is as good a time as any to share my NESlife story...
Back in 2004, I was 21 years young, in the process of finishing my undergraduate degree (BSc Games Computing), while at the same time playing lots of computer games. One of them was Civilization 3, and there was a particular game I played as the Celts that I turned into an AAR here on Civfanatics. For one reason or another, it gained quite a following.
Otherwise it was not a happy time for me. I finished uni, I came home, a couple of weeks later I went with my family all the way over to New York to visit my aunt there. It should have been exciting times... But I felt totally lost in life - I felt completely unemployable, I felt like a joke, I was totally locked into anxiety and had a very limiting view of the world. And it stayed that way for a long time.
My parents did not have broadband internet. Most days I would stay in bed all morning, play computer games all afternoon (EU2 and BF1942 being favourites - against AIs), and get online via dial-up modem once they'd gone to bed. I kept coming back to Civfanatics - I was struggling to find the motivation to finish the Celtonia AAR, despite the large following it had. In the meantime I had a nosy through the other forums. I remember seeing a strange subforum full of rules and stories; at first I wasn't really interested, and I had games of StarCraft Broodwar to play with my precious online time (the one game that worked well on a 56k modem), but the maps intrigued me - they would've been those early, angular-coastline world maps that you had back in the day.
Time flew by. Then one day, someone called 'das' posted in my AAR, with something along the lines of "this would make a great NES". I believe it was 2005 by this point, when I started to take a serious look at this whole NESing thing. I realised that, rather than narrating an AAR, or playing a game against AI, I was far more interested in creating a story that others could participate in, a world and a story that would create itself.
DaftNES was of course massively over-ambitious, something that set the pattern for almost all my subsequent projects. But I was hooked. I had little change in circumstances and no shortage of free time; my parents weren’t willing or able to push the issue - it brought up too many questions on how they raised me, and how we all related to each other, I was stuck in the situation that had broke me to begin with. The last few social contacts faded away. A crazy normality continued. I'm not sure what I would've done if I didn't have the likes of DaftNES2 or NESLife3 to work on. But in the back of my mind I was always conflicted about it - self-sabotage crept into everything. Years later, I'd look back on this with tremendous shame at 'losing' the best years of my life.
It wasn't until 2010, at the age of 27, that I found the guts to make a serious change in my circumstances. I started volunteering at an animal sanctuary, I started jogging/running, and in September that year, I accidentally moved about as far as possible from my home town while still staying on the island of Britain - down to Portsmouth on the south coast, to do a 1-year MSc in Digital Media (turns out my old BSc did open a door after all). To my credit it was all my idea; to my family’s credit, they did not make a fuss and were very happy to help financially.
It wasn't a magic solution - I didn't get my first proper job until several years later, and I still carried a large amount of shame and feelings of failure. But I tried to make the best of it. I drifted through friendships until I found a little social circle that was just right for me (everyone had geeky interests and there was lots of drinking involved). I joined groups and I did stuff. But I was still NESing - pixel-art tribal NESes were my obsession at this point. I think NESCraft was my last big project of the 'good old days'.
Enter February 2014. Exactly on the day I was starting my first full-time adult job, for a fairly big UK company (ironically, an online jobs board), 'that' game of Neptune's Pride was reaching its climax. Aside from me being a sore loser, I was hurting for other reasons - I was perceiving this new, cold, apathetic attitude in the community - a little unfairly as it turned out. But it stirred up feelings of shame and failure, having apparently wasted so much time and energy, not just my roleplay and diplo efforts in that game, but maybe all my years of NESing. The timing could not have been worse. Thereafter it wasn't just the lack of free time; I deliberately turned my back, only half-heartedly dropping in on the Frontier from time to time. Part of me enjoyed watching NES dwindle to a flicker. You all sucked; it was time for grown-up life.
Except, grown-up life was not something magical. My job also sucked. So crazily, I quit my job the following year. I had an abortive summer of freelancing in 2015. I did a GameJam, and a Hack Day in a pub. I joined a life-coaching group. I still had no idea what I really wanted to do. By the autumn (fall) I managed to land a job at a creative agency. It was okay at first. Gradually, in 2016, it got quite a bit better. And that year I also realised that I'd met some really awesome friends here in Portsmouth..
But I still play quick games of BF1942. Hell, I still play SC:BroodWar from time to time on the east asia servers (the only ones that still work for me). I actually still have the Celtonia Civ3 save games, and I've recently started playing again with my new Steam version of Civ3. I've even been working on a (typically late) update today for my latest NES. Nothing has changed me into a different person. NESing has been a perfectly valid part of my experience. In our time we have pushed intellectual and creative boundaries.
TLDR: I now look back at my NESing experience and I don't see something sad, like the only way I could pretend to feel part of something. It was, and is a real experience with real people. Anytime I drop in on #NES I get reminded of that. You've all been important to me (sorry for the feels).
Today I was looking through some of my old NESLife3 updates and I was thinking, if this is my greatest achievement in life, I'm ok with that
PS Happy New Year, indeed