Would you accept being the 'alternate boyfriend'?
- Thread starter Lotus49
- Start date
Gelion
Retired Captain
Ok now I got a few minutes to type up my 5 cents.
Firstly it sounds like you are already getting too involved in this affair even though it hasn't started. As a guy try to answer a few questions (I'm guessing you're single, just from the way you typed this story up).
1. Do I like this girl enough to get with her into:
a) physical flirt
b) serious relationship (no matter the duration
I.e. what are your goals with regard to her? Do you need her at all for something?
2. What are her goals with regard to you?
Does she need a new boyfriend or does she want to play around?
Once you tried to answer these you can carry on. Just keep in mind that she can be as flirty with other guys when she is "yours". If you can handle that then go ahead and proceed.
It seems that she is already "into" your head and playing you a bit. Play her! Bring one of those girkls "ligned up" and start a game with her at least on the side. Girls that "rub" against guys usualy have an agenda. Your agenda has to be stronger than hers.
You know why men are generaly kinder at war? Men do take prisoners, girls can't. For them love is a game of life and death so it order to win you have to adopt their rules "no prisoners!"
If there are any reflections from you lets discuss this topic. I cant say I've got the same issue at the moment, but I've been through a few situations like that. Hope you get through this one well.
Firstly it sounds like you are already getting too involved in this affair even though it hasn't started. As a guy try to answer a few questions (I'm guessing you're single, just from the way you typed this story up).
1. Do I like this girl enough to get with her into:
a) physical flirt
b) serious relationship (no matter the duration
I.e. what are your goals with regard to her? Do you need her at all for something?
2. What are her goals with regard to you?
Does she need a new boyfriend or does she want to play around?
Once you tried to answer these you can carry on. Just keep in mind that she can be as flirty with other guys when she is "yours". If you can handle that then go ahead and proceed.
It seems that she is already "into" your head and playing you a bit. Play her! Bring one of those girkls "ligned up" and start a game with her at least on the side. Girls that "rub" against guys usualy have an agenda. Your agenda has to be stronger than hers.
You know why men are generaly kinder at war? Men do take prisoners, girls can't. For them love is a game of life and death so it order to win you have to adopt their rules "no prisoners!"
If there are any reflections from you lets discuss this topic. I cant say I've got the same issue at the moment, but I've been through a few situations like that. Hope you get through this one well.
Pasi Nurminen
Deity
Whatever happened to being better than the rest of us, to being a master of your instincts, to have that little mental checklist you'd run down before deciding that a girl is acceptable for you to date?
warpus
Sommerswerd asked me to change this
I also think you're getting a biiiiit ahead of yourself here.
Maybe this girl just wants a friend? Maybe she thinks you would make a good friend, for some reason? Maybe, just maybe, she thinks you're interesting?
I think you are setting yourself up for failure if you approach this as a "potential lay". Approach it as a potential friend instead.
If this girl is as hot as you say, she will likely find your lack of sexual interest intriguing. This may attract her to you even more.
Maybe this girl just wants a friend? Maybe she thinks you would make a good friend, for some reason? Maybe, just maybe, she thinks you're interesting?
I think you are setting yourself up for failure if you approach this as a "potential lay". Approach it as a potential friend instead.
If this girl is as hot as you say, she will likely find your lack of sexual interest intriguing. This may attract her to you even more.
general_kill
Deity
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2003
- Messages
- 2,870
lotus, I think you are smarter than 95% of the people who will comment in here. I think you are more than socially competent enough to find the right path for yourself, anything we say will most likely cloud your judgement. Btw, I wish I was 3/4 the writer you are :/
What warpus said.Get to know her and become "office buddies"
Show her what kind of a person you are
Maybe she's looking for a way out of her other relationshipYou never know.
This is the best possible situation imo. It's a classic takeaway moment.
People don’t know how much they want something until it’s about to be taken away from them. Reel her in and throw it back out if she won't abide by your rules. All in fun, flirting and buddys. There's zero downside here.
Takeaway rules.
1) Limit the time available
2) Limit the quantity you're willing to give
3) Limit the offer of "Lotusness"
Most important don't take yourself so gosh darn seriously.
Eukaryote
Deity
Everybody thinks you have two options. Fight and move on. Well, do some of both. Be avalible to her, fool around with her, but still try to date other women, and if you succeed she can become your alternitive girlfriend.
JerichoHill
Bedrock of Knowledge
I am sorry, but if you're contemplating tax a woman away from another man, then I lose alot of respect for you.
There are plenty of single woman, so why choose one that isn't? Why? Almost always these individuals have actually low self-confidence, or get off on harming others.
Seriously, if you feel its okay to steal away someone's beau, you need to get your emotional heart checked, and maybe get some morals.
<--JH, who doesn't advocate skeezy behavior.
Guys, if a girl has a boyfriend, husband, et. al., MOVE ON! if she's willing to dump him for you, she'll be willing to dump you for someone else.
There are plenty of single woman, so why choose one that isn't? Why? Almost always these individuals have actually low self-confidence, or get off on harming others.
Seriously, if you feel its okay to steal away someone's beau, you need to get your emotional heart checked, and maybe get some morals.
<--JH, who doesn't advocate skeezy behavior.
Guys, if a girl has a boyfriend, husband, et. al., MOVE ON! if she's willing to dump him for you, she'll be willing to dump you for someone else.
Which is perfect, since I am usually ready to move on by the time it gets to that.
JerichoHill
Bedrock of Knowledge
One day, you won't be.
It happens to everyone
It happens to everyone
warpus
Sommerswerd asked me to change this
That's not true. She could be looking for a way out of her current relationship.. maybe she's not enjoying it fully but likes the security.
Masquerouge
Deity
My guess is that if you just want to have sex with her, then go for it. If you want a real serious relationship, then steer clear away from her.
Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
I was wondering about that too. If someone is not committed to a relationship, they're just sort of in it because it's not quite worth it to break up, and then they meet Mr/Miss Right or the love of their life of whatever you want to call it ... should Mr/Miss Right turn them down because they ended one relationship to start up the new one (which they're presumably hoping would be permanent)?
JerichoHill
Bedrock of Knowledge
Hope does not spring eternal.
And righ there, what you said, basically smacks of a pretty clear read that if that's the case, girl has mental issues.
JerichoHill
Bedrock of Knowledge
I am not saying it doesn't happen, but I am saying that the odds that they're right in the head and that she wouldn't do it again would be very low.
Fifty
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@JH: I think a lot of the "do her dude!" attitude comes from a generalized desire to look like an alpha-male sex pig on the internets. Doesn't necessarily mean those advocating it would actually do it.
I don't think it has anything about "doing it". This is a girl he finds attractive and he has no idea whether she's in a commited relationship. Dating someone and being commited are two different things.
I'd play along and see how things develop. No sex or commitment of any kind is necessary.
I'd play along and see how things develop. No sex or commitment of any kind is necessary.
Masquerouge
Deity
My post in this thread could be interpreted as a "do her dude" comment so I feel compelled to further explain my position.
I believe that apparently this girl, while having a boyfriend, is also openly flirting with someone else. That someone else is obviously attracted to her or else this thread wouldn't be here.
Now I think that if both of them are looking for a quick fling out of mutual physical attraction, then they should go for it, provided they're not deluding themselves in thinking they're committing to a long-term relationship.
Should one of them, however, be more interested in such a long-term relationship, while the other is not (and my guess is that this is the case here), then further pursuing the relationship is not advised.
Well, every reply here is a thought that's raced through my mind at one point or another. For one thing, I really can't see myself getting involved in some stupid crap that's beneath my dignity (and no, I have ZERO ambitions to go 'intercept and destroy' whatever relationship she apparently is already in).
This is the kind of woman, that is always going to be in a relationship, as long as there are men on the planet. She's never going to be left alone... and not to mention this is a military environment! She's surrounded at all times. The ultimate "sit back, judge, and take your pick" type scenario (this being the precise reason plenty of females join the military, I've always maintained).
So, here's the deal, I'm going to follow the Warpus-type approach, and just play it cool. No sense in trying to force magnets to attract, they either will or they won't. And another thing, it's most probably the case that she's not quite at my maturity level, in some ways. I'm guessing shes about 22-23 or so, so I've got ~5 years on her. Of course, I have no problem at all with that! But, I wouldn't be able to stand being around MYSELF - from 4 or 5 years ago. So, maybe a I need a woman that's a bit more established, and knows what she wants (me, included of course). Even though I pretty much said "pass" on the whole 'era', I feel a little too old, to be running around playing these types of 'young adult chase and run' type games. -That's not far above "passing notes and giggling", IMO.
Basically, I horrible at the whole 'courting' thing. There's no denying it. The only way I'm ever going to be in serious relationships is if two things happen: A) SHE is massively attracted to me, acts accordingly, giving me very easy opportunities to do my part in forming a relationship, and B) She passes my quality control standards. -There's plenty of 'A' available. But usually, the 'B' is the kind of hard to come by, not to mention seldom EVER mixed with 'A'.
So, what's the plan - use the brain. Build myself up, as best I can in all areas. Meanwhile, don't worry about anything else. I just thought/hoped maybe this was something special here. -Not to say that it isn't. Continuing with my afore-mentioned cool, calm and collected approach... you never know what may be in store in the future. But, there's no way I'm going to let any chick fluster ME... oh, Hey-ahle no.
It's all about self-respect, confidence, and keeping it all together in your own life. Forget everything else. Most of the time, you're better off not bringing this silliness into your life. Some guys, they lose their minds, and throw it all away - just to get the 'hot babe in bed with them'. Ehh, not me. That's too easy - I (the calculating mind, that's looking out for my best interest, long-term) can stay in full control over the situation. (Listening, Pasi?)
If this situation gets any more interesting, I'll update - but for now, I predict things will settle down. Ever since the note I left for her (because I'm not gutsy enough to approach, and talk - actually, I just come across as too intimidating/serious), there haven't been any more 'signals' - save the whole 'bringing the boyfriend into work on her off-time, so I can see she's got game'.
And on top of it all, I recorded the old Steve Martin movie, "The Lonely Guy" on cable. I sat down to watch it last night.... got barely about half-way through, stopped and deleted it. It was too depressing. That crap was bad for my self-esteem. I then proceeded to go listen to some Guns N' Roses, work the chest and triceps, apply for some (better) jobs, and take a look at some college classes. NOW, I feel better.
This is the kind of woman, that is always going to be in a relationship, as long as there are men on the planet. She's never going to be left alone... and not to mention this is a military environment! She's surrounded at all times. The ultimate "sit back, judge, and take your pick" type scenario (this being the precise reason plenty of females join the military, I've always maintained).
So, here's the deal, I'm going to follow the Warpus-type approach, and just play it cool. No sense in trying to force magnets to attract, they either will or they won't. And another thing, it's most probably the case that she's not quite at my maturity level, in some ways. I'm guessing shes about 22-23 or so, so I've got ~5 years on her. Of course, I have no problem at all with that! But, I wouldn't be able to stand being around MYSELF - from 4 or 5 years ago. So, maybe a I need a woman that's a bit more established, and knows what she wants (me, included of course). Even though I pretty much said "pass" on the whole 'era', I feel a little too old, to be running around playing these types of 'young adult chase and run' type games. -That's not far above "passing notes and giggling", IMO.
Basically, I horrible at the whole 'courting' thing. There's no denying it. The only way I'm ever going to be in serious relationships is if two things happen: A) SHE is massively attracted to me, acts accordingly, giving me very easy opportunities to do my part in forming a relationship, and B) She passes my quality control standards. -There's plenty of 'A' available. But usually, the 'B' is the kind of hard to come by, not to mention seldom EVER mixed with 'A'.
So, what's the plan - use the brain. Build myself up, as best I can in all areas. Meanwhile, don't worry about anything else. I just thought/hoped maybe this was something special here. -Not to say that it isn't. Continuing with my afore-mentioned cool, calm and collected approach... you never know what may be in store in the future. But, there's no way I'm going to let any chick fluster ME... oh, Hey-ahle no.
It's all about self-respect, confidence, and keeping it all together in your own life. Forget everything else. Most of the time, you're better off not bringing this silliness into your life. Some guys, they lose their minds, and throw it all away - just to get the 'hot babe in bed with them'. Ehh, not me. That's too easy - I (the calculating mind, that's looking out for my best interest, long-term) can stay in full control over the situation. (Listening, Pasi?)
If this situation gets any more interesting, I'll update - but for now, I predict things will settle down. Ever since the note I left for her (because I'm not gutsy enough to approach, and talk - actually, I just come across as too intimidating/serious), there haven't been any more 'signals' - save the whole 'bringing the boyfriend into work on her off-time, so I can see she's got game'.
And on top of it all, I recorded the old Steve Martin movie, "The Lonely Guy" on cable. I sat down to watch it last night.... got barely about half-way through, stopped and deleted it. It was too depressing. That crap was bad for my self-esteem. I then proceeded to go listen to some Guns N' Roses, work the chest and triceps, apply for some (better) jobs, and take a look at some college classes. NOW, I feel better.
JerichoHill
Bedrock of Knowledge
boyfriend = committed relationship w/ open flirting w/ other guys = girl you do not want to get to know further.
seriously, is this a tough lesson to learn? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, same on me.
If there is anything that I have learned, it is that the hot girl with a boyfriend has plenty of near clones who are single, somewhere in the same city, and you prolly know a few.
So, why insert yourself?
Perhaps I should come clean. I was engaged once. I also went out of state for graduate school. In that time, a guy got friendly with her, and then did exactly what many of you advocate, a few months before the wedding. While I am immensely glad that she revealed her non-moral self before i married her, thus saving me heartbreak when children were present, THATS the other side of the coin, and alot of bad sh*t happens.
So if you want to advocate him trying it out, I cannot support that. Period.
seriously, is this a tough lesson to learn? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, same on me.
If there is anything that I have learned, it is that the hot girl with a boyfriend has plenty of near clones who are single, somewhere in the same city, and you prolly know a few.
So, why insert yourself?
Perhaps I should come clean. I was engaged once. I also went out of state for graduate school. In that time, a guy got friendly with her, and then did exactly what many of you advocate, a few months before the wedding. While I am immensely glad that she revealed her non-moral self before i married her, thus saving me heartbreak when children were present, THATS the other side of the coin, and alot of bad sh*t happens.
So if you want to advocate him trying it out, I cannot support that. Period.
