Bigfoot3814
Deity
"Mommy when I grow up I wanna be a psychopath!" -Some kid who screamed out in the middle of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Funny quotes
- Thread starter scorch
- Start date
KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3,461
"People don't want handouts! They want hand jobs!"
-Barry Goldwater (I think)
The crowd promptly burst into applause.
"Now, will y'all stand and be recognized..."
-Texas House member Gib Lewis, to a group of people in wheelchairs.
"I'm all for racial equality for blacks, but they need to stop calling each other n*****."
-Me, to my friend.
Huayna Capac357
Deity
That's so awesomely fail (1st one)
Ziggy Stardust
Absolutely Sane
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
- Police detective questioning a wounded officer
"Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine."
- Radio news announcer
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
- Ron Atkinson
More Ron:
'If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half time, it was concentration and focus.'
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
'There's a little triangle - five left-footed players.'
'Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning.'
'He must be lightning slow'
'There's a snap about Liverpool that just isn't there'
And that's just scratching the surface.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
- Police detective questioning a wounded officer
"Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine."
- Radio news announcer
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
- Ron Atkinson
More Ron:
'If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half time, it was concentration and focus.'
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
'There's a little triangle - five left-footed players.'
'Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning.'
'He must be lightning slow'
'There's a snap about Liverpool that just isn't there'
And that's just scratching the surface.
Thorvald of Lym
A Little Sketchy
Reminds me of
"Why athletes can't have real jobs"
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
"Why athletes can't have real jobs"
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2007
- Messages
- 3,461
Try Dan Quayle.
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.
-Bill Watson author of Calvin and Hobbes
Benny Hill:
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
what an idiot!
-Bill Watson author of Calvin and Hobbes
Benny Hill:
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
what an idiot!
Huayna Capac357
Deity
"I think they should hold the Winter Olympics in Sweden because it would be cool to have it in the Alps."
Onionsoilder
Reaver
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2007
- Messages
- 3,173
"I think they should hold the Winter Olympics in Sweden because it would be cool to have it in the Alps."
Sweden? Unless he is thinking of a different Alps...
Switzerland, maybe?
Fugitive Sisyphus
Escape Artist
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
-Segal's law
-Segal's law
dwaxe
is not a fanatic
The internet doesn't make you stupid. It just makes your stupidity more accessible to others.
LAnkou
Breizh A Tao
journalist: "we would like you to make an autoportrait..."
Florent Pagny (french singer, famous in France): "An autoportrait of whom?"
Florent Pagny (french singer, famous in France): "An autoportrait of whom?"
Dumanios
Hakugyukurou Gardener
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2008
- Messages
- 4,926
I find this very insightful.
Thorvald of Lym
A Little Sketchy
Hey guys, how's it been?
"i like hitchcock but i think he really missed the combination of sexual tension and adolsecent alientation that has been so well encaptured in twighlight."
- YouTube user kurtdiedforyoursins
"i like hitchcock but i think he really missed the combination of sexual tension and adolsecent alientation that has been so well encaptured in twighlight."
- YouTube user kurtdiedforyoursins
