Gelion
Retired Captain
Open text? Isn't that a logical thing to do? Won't work well with girls I think.
How do you deal with cheating of a loved one?
- Thread starter Gelion
- Start date
Open text? Isn't that a logical thing to do? Won't work well with girls I think.
Masquerouge
Deity
But you got a choice, right? Either discuss it with them and try to get things honest, or don't but then don't complain if your dates did not live up to your unexpressed assumptions...
What matters to you more, having a girlfriend over having open discussions?
Golden Touch
Prince
Ohh interesting topic! i might crap on for a bit now...
thats exactly how it makes me feel, in a nutshell. However, as for the defensible part.. not at all. I always try and put past crap behind me, after all your dating a new person who has never done anything to hurt you. why transplant the pain and mistrust from another relationship. each time it ends badly i take what I can from it, learn from it then WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN. only way to live.
made me chuckle good banter
when did they get chance to!?! your like 15!
have i dated you?! serious question though... does it bother you that you'll 'never find that certain someone'? do you think its a product of your 'womanising' ways, if so how?
I do kinda agree with this. if you did it and regretted it the only reason for telling your partner is to ease your guilt. dont be a coward and tell them to ease your own pain, deal with it. however if you did it and keep on doing it, and thats not the terms of your relationship....
I like this theory. doesnt work tho. love is love after all, and as such you make excuses for the other person. unless your VERY strong minded.
yes it would hurt. can you live with it? can you genuinely forgive and forget, or is it something you will bring up EVERY time you have a fight? and getting even... how old are we 12?! not to say I havent but it really doesnt make things any better, you just lose the moral high ground!
true you dont posess, but your sharing a life. yes you should have fun, but together. whats the point in a relationship otherwise? might as well be friends with bonuses.
thats perfect, i love it. that, once again, sums up EXACTLY how i feel. that you've let yourself down by cheating.
Its a tricky business. at the end of the day, i'm an old romantic. I'm all for playing around now, but once you make that commitment (be it marriage or just agreeing to be a 'proper' couple) I like this quote, although I'm not sure who said it, about marriage:
"it is the voluntary union of two people, with the exclusion of all others"
after all, if this is the person you have chosen, but they're not enough to fullfill your needs WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
rant over.
thats exactly how it makes me feel, in a nutshell. However, as for the defensible part.. not at all. I always try and put past crap behind me, after all your dating a new person who has never done anything to hurt you. why transplant the pain and mistrust from another relationship. each time it ends badly i take what I can from it, learn from it then WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN. only way to live.
made me chuckle
good banterwhen did they get chance to!?! your like 15!
I'm convinced I'll never meet a woman that I'll end up liking enough to care if she's cheating or not. Lately the women in my life have been disposable after a couple weeks. I used to be bothered by that idea, but right now I'm loving the lifestyle. I came to the realization long ago that I'll never find that "certain someone." I think my womanizing ways have finally caught up to me and karma is kicking me in the crotch.
So that's my answer.... Start treating women like objects and let them be the ones to hurt. It worked for me, now I'm much happier.
have i dated you?! serious question though... does it bother you that you'll 'never find that certain someone'? do you think its a product of your 'womanising' ways, if so how?
I do kinda agree with this. if you did it and regretted it the only reason for telling your partner is to ease your guilt. dont be a coward and tell them to ease your own pain, deal with it. however if you did it and keep on doing it, and thats not the terms of your relationship....
I like this theory. doesnt work tho. love is love after all, and as such you make excuses for the other person. unless your VERY strong minded.
yes it would hurt. can you live with it? can you genuinely forgive and forget, or is it something you will bring up EVERY time you have a fight? and getting even... how old are we 12?! not to say I havent but it really doesnt make things any better, you just lose the moral high ground!
Lastly you don't posess a girl. Never. IMHO the best thing you can do.. is be together. Humans are supposedly free beings, so if a girl/guy wants to have fun... let them. Right?
true you dont posess, but your sharing a life. yes you should have fun, but together. whats the point in a relationship otherwise? might as well be friends with bonuses.
thats perfect, i love it. that, once again, sums up EXACTLY how i feel. that you've let yourself down by cheating.
again, agreed. however something you agreed to early on when you felt quite casual about a person might not still be valid 3/4 months down the line. it needs constantly re-evaluating... but who wants to talk about sexual infidelity all the time? not a good way to have a relationship. and if you dont talk about it, it could be something might happen which is now not acceptable to the other person and could damage the feelings they have for you.
Its a tricky business. at the end of the day, i'm an old romantic. I'm all for playing around now, but once you make that commitment (be it marriage or just agreeing to be a 'proper' couple) I like this quote, although I'm not sure who said it, about marriage:
"it is the voluntary union of two people, with the exclusion of all others"
after all, if this is the person you have chosen, but they're not enough to fullfill your needs WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
rant over.
aneeshm
Deity
Quite correct. That is why I said that if, after seeing all the circumstances, knowing all the details, and talking it over with your partner, you come to the conclusion that the infidelity was not pardonable, then it is in your own interest, and also that of your partner, for you to end the relationship and detach yourselves from it. It may take you time to get over it (it always does) but that doesn't stop the fact that it's necessary.
You've hit the nub of it - that all real commitments are not to other people (of whose existence we can never even be sure anyway), but to ourselves.
So you think morals are a weakness.
Here we had weakness as a great strength for it takes much discipline to say "No" to your selfish desires. In general people are normally selfish, unthankful, etc.
Actually men has more trouble dealing with a cheating wife than the other way around. And when men get emotional they are much worst ... like start shooting people. Men are less emotional than a woman is a myth especially when it comes to angry.
When it comes down to it I don't trust myself which is why I avoid some places. As the old saying goes "It hard to fight temptation with your hand in the cookie jag."
If honesty is really important to you then: Be honest yourself then find someone who values being honest as high as you do.
If all you want is a sex toy then I wouldn't expect the relationship be no more than a sex relationship.
Thus there is a huge difference in "I love you" and "I love what you do for me". The first goes much deeper than the other.
Gelion
Retired Captain
But you got a choice, right? Either discuss it with them and try to get things honest, or don't but then don't complain if your dates did not live up to your unexpressed assumptions...
Ouch!!! I was expecting a magic answer to that one... are those the only two choices?
Gelion
Retired Captain
I lost faith in faith (kinda).... I used to know why this stuff was good, but not anymore. Seems like its a weaknessSo you think morals are a weakness.
Masquerouge
Deity
Magic answer, eh?
What I find hard to understand is that you seem to want something (honesty? fidelity? Both?), but you're not acting accordingly.
Gelion
Retired Captain
Magic answer, eh?
What I find hard to understand is that you seem to want something (honesty? fidelity? Both?), but you're not acting accordingly.
I want to know where I stand. If she wants to *** around - let her, but I don't want to miss on the fun (sounds rubbish mais c'est comme ca). If she wants to be honest - okay. But I cant accept everyone else knowing about her cheating than me.... thats about it i guess.
Masquerouge
Deity
Gelion
Retired Captain
Sounds painfully normal!
Yes, that is... If anyone has the answer don't forget to tell me please
Well the first question I guess is if you're more bothered by someone cheating behind your back, than them meeting someone else? Having an open relationship means the former isn't an issue, but the latter still sucks, and there's the risk that it will be more likely to happen (although on the other hand, consider that with an open relationship people are free to have sex whilst still staying together, whilst in a closed relationship, they may dump you straight away to be with someone else, so it's not clear it is more likely).
In general, I think open relationships (and multiple relationships) are better with people who prefer them, it doesn't work as a fix for people who would ultimately rather be monogamous, because as you say, such people would dump you for the next interesting person that comes along.
I got together with my current girlfriend about 2-3 months ago, and a couple of weeks ago I found out that about 2 weeks after we decided we were actually going out, she cheated on me. As far as I know she got very drunk and ended up kissing a guy that she had staying down with her for a couple of nights. I believe her when she says she didn't do anything more than that, although it's hard thinking of the possibility of what happened. She feels really terrible for what she did as apparently "she's not one of those girls". I do think that this was a one-off slip-up, mostly because she had a major thing for this guy for months before she even knew me, but now knows that he's an ******* and not a patch on me.
However it's a very bad sign that she's on her last chance two weeks into a relationship, but we love each other and hopefully she won't waste this chance.
The odd thing is when we first started seeing each other but weren't a couple we didn't want things too serious so we agreed that we'd see other people if we liked, and she said she wouldn't do it either way, even though I could. But we go exclusive and then that happened. Women eh?
However it's a very bad sign that she's on her last chance two weeks into a relationship, but we love each other and hopefully she won't waste this chance.
The odd thing is when we first started seeing each other but weren't a couple we didn't want things too serious so we agreed that we'd see other people if we liked, and she said she wouldn't do it either way, even though I could. But we go exclusive and then that happened. Women eh?
LOL!!
I think I am this way because I can't find that person. Seriously though I am upfront with people and I don't lie or manipulate. I mean I'd like to think I'd meet that person, but the realist in me is pretty sure it won't happen. So to answer your question I'm not bothered about it. It certainly doesn't keep me up at night or anything. Maybe this part of town just breeds crazy people or more likely I just have too high of standards and I'm not a settler. Either way, I'm not complaining.
Rhymes
Drive 4 25 is back
You don't have to accept it, if you don't want to be cheated on you have to do what it takes, which means 3 things
1- Not choosing a girl who is obviously a ***** or who keeps wanting attention
2- being such an awesome boyfriend that the girl would never want to cheat on you.
3- Having really good communication in your couple
being an awesome boyfriend or not isnt a factor for why women cheat and if it is, its not major. if it was then women with horrible boyfriends would cheat but i think everyone can name at least one female they know who doesnt, in spite of a bad relationship. i work with 3 at the moment.
Kozmos
Jew Detective
That happened to my friend. Sort of. It was painful for him and he almost went emo because of her. Luckily I was there to uphold our pact of kicking each other asses if we ever wander to become emolike.
I think one of reasons people cheat is a subconcious cost benefit analysis where the benefits are far more weighted positively than the costs. For instance if the cost is your wife getting mad at you but not actually doing anything, the benefit has no cost.
if the cost was splitting assets gained together, and you know your wife wouldnt put up with any of that crap, you would be less apt to capitalize on a benefit with such a heavy cost.
if the cost was splitting assets gained together, and you know your wife wouldnt put up with any of that crap, you would be less apt to capitalize on a benefit with such a heavy cost.
