How do you deal with cheating of a loved one?
- Thread starter Gelion
- Start date
Winner
Diverse in Unity
On the other hand, imagine a happy married couple with two kids. They live an average, good life in a loving relationship. Then, on a business trip, the husband makes a mistake, say he was depressed, had few more drinks than he should have, and simply has a short, one night affair with a businesswoman he met on a conference. Nothing serious, just sex. He feels guilty immediately after he wakes up in the morning. He is aware of the mistake, he doesn't love the woman and he wants to live with his wife and kids.
So, should he confess? Should he tell his wife about that? It would probably wreck his marriage, led to a divorce, kids would have to deal with parents living separately, and as a result, all members of this family would be unhappy.
I think that clear conscience is a good thing, but he should be responsible enough to not allow one stupid mistake to destroy his entire family. He should bury it, not think about it and never tell anything about it to anybody.
maybe it would be better for all if he shut up, yes, I still don't like it. What if some day it all comes out (maybe he had too much too drink and talks 
) I'm sure their marriage would be a whole lot worse off then, because on top of the cheating there's the lying and secrecy...
plus there's always the possibility of catching the clap or something and giving it on to his wife......
) I'm sure their marriage would be a whole lot worse off then, because on top of the cheating there's the lying and secrecy...plus there's always the possibility of catching the clap or something and giving it on to his wife......
So you were physically and emotionally attacked by a supposed loved one, thus confirming the fact my entire hypothesis does happen, and still question that these sort of actions should be sanctioned? The one that's light on logic isn't me.
Stolen Rutters
Deity
So not having a legal recourse sanctions the action by default? Not on your life.
There are alot of things that are not sanctioned but have no place in the legal system. I think things are actually too far in the other direction. There are laws prohibiting stupid and nonsensical things. $300 fine for crossing the train tracks ten feet from the labelled crosswalk? Saying "I'm sorry" at the scene of a fender-bender can be construed as admission of guilt?
I say get the law out of things as far as is reasonable. Set up a third party mediation session instead of dragging this into the courts.
There are alot of things that are not sanctioned but have no place in the legal system. I think things are actually too far in the other direction. There are laws prohibiting stupid and nonsensical things. $300 fine for crossing the train tracks ten feet from the labelled crosswalk? Saying "I'm sorry" at the scene of a fender-bender can be construed as admission of guilt?
I say get the law out of things as far as is reasonable. Set up a third party mediation session instead of dragging this into the courts.
sanctioned by who or what?
the idea is that the potential long term unhappiness should outweigh the instant sexual gratification.
Secondly the idea that withholding this would somehow impune the family to unhappiness isnt true. An marriage that is unhappy and chaotic isnt better than a divorce that is sound and amicable. It speaks volumes about a marriage when the truth has to hide because it would otherwise destroy everything.
I think of one of my friend's parents in this regard. They have a good marriage now, but a few months into it the husband cheated on the wife, came clean, and it was a strain for many years. They were able to patch things up and its been much better in the 20+ years since. Had he not divuldged that info immedietly, and it came out LATER, it woulda been a lot worse.
A friend will tell you to move on... a good friend will help you move the body.
Works for me... and when it doesn't? buy a dog. Seriously.
I hate to say it, but as stupid as religion is, the lack of morals by those who avoid it stink worse than the preachers themselves. Find a religious chick with an open mind, and propose immediately or enjoy throwing a ball for your 'best friend' to chase and return.
Raisin Bran
Cereal Killer
Depends on the situation and the "damage done". Case by case subject
You would have to kill yourself. It's not only the other parties involved that have something to do with cheating. A relationship is not only one person ..... a relationship is 2 persons together, everybody has some part to do in such a thing.
Ideally she would be sanctioned socially as well as the person she was cheating on you with - by having them deemed cheating, worthless wastes of oxygen unfit for most human relationships we could potentially convey the full extent of the damage done to the most basic of human interactions. Since ideally we can't have them made into pariahs, I think that it's about damn time willingly transferring an STD became a criminal act.
see, this is what I'm talking about; heavy on emotion, light on logic.Worthless wastes of oxygen?
How do you measure the damage done?
How do you compensate?
How is any of either feasibly implimented?
How do you prove, "willingly"?
Why is the person getting the STD from a cheating partner entitled to damages if they were well within their power to protect themselves from harm with condoms or abstinence?
Is a violation of trust is not a punishable crime where there are no monetary or rights damages involved?
Willingly transferring an STD with knowledge is in fact criminal in cases of AIDS, because it is fatal. Herpes is not fatal.
for the sake of brevity and efficency there should be (and for many people is) a standard guideline for this situation. I've think that people that play this case by case are usually far overestimating the benefit of the relationship while underestimating the cost of the cheating. otherwise, why would they make a big stink about it but not do anything, especially in the face of multiple instances of cheating?
Raisin Bran
Cereal Killer
Keep in mind that no relationship is the same. So no real guidelines can be done.
As I mentionned in my answer to Rossiya, anyone that thinks that the "cheater" is the only one to blame is wrong. The "cheated" often has something to look into also.
In a serious relationship a act of cheating from one party often means that there is something wrong going in the realtionship, but not nessarely something that makes a couple break-up.
If you can't mend the wounds of the adultery you better end the relationship right there but if your couple can work out the reasons the incident happened and get a better understanding, caring and communication for each other, why not continue the relationship?
it all depends on the situation.
Same questions are applicable to an assault charge - you don't seem to have any problem with those charges, or so I would hope..
Because the act of intercourse only happens due to mutual trust, and violation of that trust consists a form of fraud - which is punishable on its own right by a criminal sanction...
Neither is an unflattering, spiteful newspaper spread. We still consider that to be criminal.
1. is it feasible, whats the benefit, whats the harm, and does it take away from other cases. thats how you gauge whether its worth prosecuting, and cheating doesnt work.
2. even in mutual trust, you can limit potential harm. the person who doesnt exercise the ability to limit harm has no claim to damages. a person not wearing their seatbelt should not be able to sue for damages greater than what would be expected in a similar crash with a seatbelt on.
it is upon the injured party to limit their risk.
furthermore you will have great difficulty proving knowledge of an STD.
3. Its completely legal in the United States. We have that kind of freedom.
it doesnt have to depend on the situation. If you state that to a person you could be essentially providing them opportunity and chance to cheat on you by creating a paradigm in their mind where cheating doesnt negate the net of the entire relationship. if you were to say that in no uncertain terms, in spite of everything, cheating is the end of the relationship one might be less apt to cheat.
The cheater is the one that is wrong in the sense they formally violated the agreement of the relationship without recourse. Both parties are wrong in the sense that the relationship wasnt functional enough for both of them that one had to violate the agreement outside a provided escape clause (breaking up). furthermore, I find it hard to believe that there can be real understanding and communication post cheating, if one has not proceeded along those methods in the first place to prevent cheating.
there are several reasons to end the relationship outright.
1. the cheating detracts from your own needs
2. the cheating detracts from shared assetts and income
3. the cheating results in physical, mental, emotional harm to you
4. the cheating produces an image that you think sets a bad precident for your children
5. the cheating is done out of spite or malice
If none of these qualifications is met, or the positives of all others negate the one or two, I say sure, go for it, stick it out. you have not really lost anything.
Cheezy the Wiz
Socialist In A Hurry
The first time she cheats on you, leave her. The first time. Believe it or not, there are faithful people out there, you just have to dig through the crap to find them. Patience and a heart of steel are what you need.
Raisin Bran
Cereal Killer
First and foremost, You are entitled to your opinion. I'm not trying to change your point of view, I'm only stating that generalising that type of situation cannot be done.
The way you are saying this comes to roughly the same as a death sentence. It dosen't mean that there is going to be less crimes if there is a death sentence in your state/country.
I'm also not saying that ending a relationship after a cheating occurs is a bad thing. Again it all depends on the situation.
I agree that the cheater is wrong and also that there was a problem in the relation before the cheating occurs.
You know, a lot of people that commit suicide or try to do it don't really want to die. More often than not, it was a cry for help.
Think of cheating the same way, sometimes cheating is big call for attention.
The same way that breaking-up is not always the solution to a problem in a relationship.
The reason you can't belive that there can be real understanding post cheating, is probably because you were never in that type of situation. For a lot of people getting cheated on is a way to open their eyes on things they did not do right. A harsh way, I must admit, but still a way to repair errors made throughout a relationship. e.g.: Taking someone for granted.
Again, If understanding and communication cannot be obtained post cheating.
Better end that relation then.
1 - Cheating Always detracts from your own needs.
2 - Valuing a relation on assets and income is bad from the start, even without cheating that type of relation is doomed.
3 - Harm is not always bad and anyone put in that situation would feel pain. Learning from your errors is a great way to grow as a person.
4 - If you think that way you are overproteting your kids. I agree that its a bad image but if the comprehension or communication is not there post cheating, again, better off to end the relation there. A couple that can work cheating out will give a positive image to the kids that his parents do love each other.
5 - No cheating is done out of kindness and empathy. But it dosent nessarely has to be done out of spite or malice.
That said, You cannot instate a general rule that cheating must result in a break-up nor that it could be worked out. It depends on the 2 persons involved, their situation and the environement.
First and foremost, You are entitled to your opinion. I'm not trying to change your point of view, I'm only stating that generalising that type of situation cannot be done.
The way you are saying this comes to roughly the same as a death sentence. It dosen't mean that there is going to be less crimes if there is a death sentence in your state/country.
I'm also not saying that ending a relationship after a cheating occurs is a bad thing. Again it all depends on the situation.
I agree that the cheater is wrong and also that there was a problem in the relation before the cheating occurs.
You know, a lot of people that commit suicide or try to do it don't really want to die. More often than not, it was a cry for help.
Think of cheating the same way, sometimes cheating is big call for attention.
The same way that breaking-up is not always the solution to a problem in a relationship.
The reason you can't belive that there can be real understanding post cheating, is probably because you were never in that type of situation. For a lot of people getting cheated on is a way to open their eyes on things they did not do right. A harsh way, I must admit, but still a way to repair errors made throughout a relationship. e.g.: Taking someone for granted.
Again, If understanding and communication cannot be obtained post cheating.
Better end that relation then.
1 - Cheating Always detracts from your own needs.
2 - Valuing a relation on assets and income is bad from the start, even without cheating that type of relation is doomed.
3 - Harm is not always bad and anyone put in that situation would feel pain. Learning from your errors is a great way to grow as a person.
4 - If you think that way you are overproteting your kids. I agree that its a bad image but if the comprehension or communication is not there post cheating, again, better off to end the relation there. A couple that can work cheating out will give a positive image to the kids that his parents do love each other.
5 - No cheating is done out of kindness and empathy. But it dosent nessarely has to be done out of spite or malice.
That said, You cannot instate a general rule that cheating must result in a break-up nor that it could be worked out. It depends on the 2 persons involved, their situation and the environement.
There is always the power to go beyond or below the average but the average is there for a reason. It shows what is likely to happen, and what tends to happen. I think that the average, the general rule is, a relationship where cheating occurs is not worth salvaging for the reason Ive stated. There are exceptions, but we don't lead lives of exceptions. We like to think we do, but we dont.
Furthermore I keep getting this feeling that cheating is an eventuality of a bad relationship which is not the case. I think you are also denying that cheating is a pathological behavior of many people that cheat.
I have stated that I have seen an example where the cheating happened, it was rectified and the relationship moved past it and is strong. But for every case of that, I see a man, cheating on a woman, and the woman is upset each and every time but doesnt do anything to stop their own potential risk or increase their happiness. I blame these women for their own misery, not the cheater, but thats because they keep themselves in a situation that doesnt lead to their happiness.
as for the death penalty analogy, wrong. If you dont set up some sort of penalty for a crime, what is going to stop the crime? If you dont take the perp of the crime out of the situation that leads to the crime, what will stop the crime?
Its more like a woman that has a child when she is 16. The odds are she will not earn as much, go to college, and raise a child who will go to college. I think the odds are that if someone has cheated, the relationship is not going to be alright, and you are paying a steep opportunity cost in trying to fix something that can't be fixed.
I will concede every situation is different but most results are the same.
Raisin Bran
Cereal Killer
I said what I had to say.
If you think that what Im talking about is above or below average then you are wrong. It happens more than you think.
You cannot set a average when no relationship can be averaged.
Im am not religious but forgiving is a part of life. Let me put it this way; you are in a relationship and you really love the person you are with and get cheated on, since your "average" is breaking-up you will do it even if it means you don't want to?
BTW if a girl has a kid when she's 16 dosent mean the kid will not be treated well. You know in life there is more to money and education, there is something called love. Love is often more powerful than reason, money or average for that madder.
