How much is enough when disciplining a child?

[Xanikk999]

OMG, how did you get that lucid of post out of your small caveman skull? Tell me, do you find it hard to type w/ those big, fat caveman fingers and does your sabre-tooth cat pelt clothing get in the way?

Ok i see you must of been being sarcastic!

 

[tomsnowman123]

The best way (as always) is preventitively medicine. Don't get into it with your kid in the first place. Except him to do the right thing and more often than not he will. If he does disobey simply tell him you dissapprove, withdraw yourself somewhat (not your love, just your physical presence). No one likes to be ignored. He/she will try to win you back for sure.

Hitting your kids is never ok. Yelling at them is also pretty stupid (they just resent you). If you must restrict their access to your possessions (like the computer for example) that is fine (that will teach them to appreciate them) but "grounding" and such is idiotic. The kid will just climb out the window if he really wants to get away.

Again, the best way is to not set up a "me vs. my inherently bad/sinful child" in the first place. Set up your household based on mutual love, trust and respect.

While I may not be a parent, I would have to agree with this line of thinking. I wouldn't want to turn a kid against me. That already happens enough when they're teens (like me).

 

[Narz]

While I may not be a parent, I would have to agree with this line of thinking. I wouldn't want to turn a kid against me. That already happens enough when they're teens (like me).

I'm not a parent yet either but it never hurts to plan ahead. Also, from personal experience (and watching other kids/parents) I know what doesn't work.

By the way, since we're on the subject of child rearing you (and perhaps others) might find this site interesting : http://www.continuum-concept.org/

 

[MobBoss]

My opinion is different. I believe in strong discipline for my kid and all kids, but if I was ever inept enough to resort to beating/spanking/whatever, then I would get therapy and parent counseling. I hope I am smarter and more experienced than my kid.

How about we try not to equate people who spank their kids as being "inept"? OK. I got three kids, ages 18, 15 and 12. I spanked them all when it was required and I also used groundings and timeouts etc. Spanking a kid does not mean one is an inept parent by any means, some kids need it, some kids dont.

I voted for "ingenious punishments". In my experience (many years of teaching, plus being a parent), there is always a better option than violence. Violence teaches violence, it teaches the kid that dad has no more tricks up his sleave, that dad isn't in control but the kid is, etc. The only possible "benefit" I can see is that the parent feels a little bit of control in a situation that he's lost control of.

Violence teaches violence? You sound like one of those people who wont let their son have a "violent" videogame as it may turn your kid into a raving maniac. I assure you, when I spanked my kids, my kids had no allusion that they were in control.

 

[blackheart]

Violence teaches violence? You sound like one of those people who wont let their son have a "violent" videogame as it may turn your kid into a raving maniac. I assure you, when I spanked my kids, my kids had no allusion that they were in control.

Let me rephrase that for him. Pure violence will only beget more violence. If you used limited violence (such as spanking) and then reinforce it with the reason why the violence was used, such as an explanation of why they were punished, then you will get clear results. Simply hitting your kid and leaving at that will only teach them that problems can be solved or cast aside with just violence.

 

[MobBoss]

I'm not a parent yet either but it never hurts to plan ahead.

Parenting advice from someone who is not a parent is like getting sex advice from someone who has never had sex.

While its nice to have a plan in place and all that, as a soldier I must point out: "no plan remains in place upon contact with the enemy".

Basically that means you can plan till the cows come home and you could end up with a kid that just doesnt respond to your plan.

Spanking is a tool. Just like grounding is a tool. Or taking away privledges is a tool. Positive reinforcement and reward is another set of tools. Some kids will respond well to some, but not to others. Parenting is figuring out what your kid will respond too in order for you to teach them good behavior vs bad behavior.

 

[VoodooAce]

MB, at what age did you stop spanking your kids?

 

[MobBoss]

MB, at what age did you stop spanking your kids?

Hmmm. Not that I marked it on a calendar or anything, but I stopped spanking them in the 10-12 year old range, and even then that was pretty rare. As they got older, grounding them, or taking away privileges became far more effective.

But I also feel that part of the reason they were responsive to me as teenagers was because I had established my authority by spanking them when they were younger. They knew I was fair about it and I explained to them throughly why they were getting punished and what kind of behavior I expected as opposed to what they were doing.

There has never, ever, been any doubt that what happens in my house is dictated by me and my wife. The rules are the rules. Because of how I talked with my kids and disciplined them, these days I dont have to do much because my kids know exactly what is good behavior and what is bad behavior and the rewards and punishments for same.

 

[Marla_Singer]

As tells a famous Arab proverb : "If you don't know why you hit your wife, she knows why."

 

[The Yankee]

Moderator Action: Xanikk999 warned for spam again. Any more from you will result in another ban.

mrtn and .Shane. warned for trolling.
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889

 

[Swiss Bezerker]

Ha! I respond! I know that I am a very warped person in that I abhor unmarried sex, while I am willing to hurt. As long as they respect me and fear me I will not resort to extremes. But if they do something that makes me very angry I will have no qualms about giving them a fitting punishment.



I will respect them as long as they respect me. Respect must be mutual after the child respects. Adults deserve respect, and I will not tolerate a disrespectful child, THAT is moredestructive than a fitting punishment. If they disobey me then I have no fear to respect their descision.

As a parent you do things to ensure a better future for your child. I see no reason to so much as slap a child, when making them sit in a corner all afternoon will make them knowwhat they did was wrong.
For example, lets say they stole cookies. taking away their video games is worse then having no cookies. Therefor, they learn that stealing cookies is not worth it. Their is no need to hurt them physically and scar them for life.

I really hope you change your views before you grow up. And if you still think breaking a childs bones is okay if he or she breaks some rules, then I hope you lose your penis in a bloody kitchen accident enjoy the last ten years of your life alone in a nursing home, wife divorced, children scared and scarred for life.

 

[Narz]

How about we try not to equate people who spank their kids as being "inept"? OK. I got three kids, ages 18, 15 and 12. I spanked them all when it was required and I also used groundings and timeouts etc. Spanking a kid does not mean one is an inept parent by any means, some kids need it, some kids dont.

The fact that you need to use violence to gain the respect of your children does show you are inept.

Violence is the crudest means of control. The fact that you used it shows you are not master of the subtler levels.

No kid "needs" to get hit for not conforming to your standard of behavior.

 

[warpus]

You don't scar them for life if you spank them - not beat them.

I was spanked as a child.. I don't really have anything against it - it's up to the parents.. as long as it's reasonable.

 

[Narz]

I assure you, when I spanked my kids, my kids had no allusion that they were in control.

That's a distirbing statement. Especially that you laugh about it.

 

[A'AbarachAmadan]

Although I don't think limited and control spanking will harm a child in any way, I am against spanking in any form. I remember my parents being wrong and spanking me for things I didn't do. Sorry don't cut it after a wrongful spanking, but you can always give things back.

There are other techniques that work well for children of any age.

1) To young to reason: putting them in their crib for 1-2 minutes, or far more effective, holding them for a few minutes is very effective [note: the second one could back-fire for those who don't pay enough attention to their kids]

2) Old enough to reason; very age dependant: take away toys, TV time, computers, friend time, etc. It depends upon the kid. For my 5-yr old, taking away TV time or toys doesn't work at all, but just the mention of no friends or computer stops him in his tracks.

3) I will NEVER let my children have a TV, radio, computer, etc in their bedroom. Our house is set up so the kids play area, the TV, and the computers are all in the same room. Together with same or separate activities is the norm. There is an extra play area we can send them too or they can go for alone time, but sending them to their room is a real punishment as there is nothing to do.

I've never spanked my children, but have used the above techniques. I'm always told by teacher, coaches, and other parents that my kids are the best behaved they have ever seen. Now if they were only as good for me as they are for others. One can be equally effective with fear or respect. I choose respect.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

the media has turned kids against their parents, thats why physical punishmenty doesnt work too much anymore, because now kids know they can sue their parents and stupid crap like that. Personally, I'm all for physical punishment, as long as it fits the crime; abuse is NEVER acceptable, you must have a reason to hit your child, and it is for educational purposes. I have had people argue strongl against me for this ( one gf HATED the fact that i would ever spank my child), but if my kids turn out anything like me, then spanking will be needed aplenty

 

[Swiss Bezerker]

Just to clarify: it is okay to spank a child 7 or under: Not hard though. After that, taking away toys and grounding works fine.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

id say a mix of the two; now i wouldnt spank over about 10 or so, but a nice hard smack across the face usually set me straight, or a good whack on the head ( not a punch, open handed)

 

[Zwelgje]

That's a distirbing statement. Especially that you laugh about it.

I'm glad that I wasn't the only one that was shocked.

I don't have kids but once I have them I don't plan on spanking them at all. I'm not saying that it will never happen, nobody is a saint, nor am I. It's just that I don't think spanking should be part of the plan on how to raise children. I would never want to raise my kids with the idea that violence is a way of getting things done. I don't expect a soldier to agree on that though...

 

[A'AbarachAmadan]

I don't expect a soldier to agree on that though...

And this soldier is VERY insulted by your statement. Violence is a resort that I have never and will never use with my children. Unsurrendering terrorists yes...my children no.