[RD] I'm transitioning. If you've ever been confused about the T in LGBT, ask me anything

[Synobun]

For added fun, my anger and hurt over all this kerfuffle is invalidated by almost everyone: I should be more understanding of their concerns.

Hell no.

I hope your SIL is at least doing her part in denying her parents any say in this.

 

[Cloud_Strife]

A year ago, my SIL filed for divorce with her husband. And when they seperated, finally, I was allowed to be part of my niece's lives. Their dad wasn't cool with them knowing me. For that time, I've done my damned best to be a good role model to my nieces, neither of whom think of themselves as straight. I am effin' proud of the work I have put in with both of them and I truly believe they're better off from knowing me than if they hadn't.

But I'm trans, and half the goddamn observers of this think it's weird how close I am to either niece. My MIL and FIL got into a fight with my SIL 2 weeks ago, and one of the things they shouted was that it was inappropriate for me to be close to either teenage girl. Why? Well, they didn't explicitly say, and I can't *prove* it, but I know it has to do with me being trans. Their "uncomfort" may as well be rephrased as I'm a child rapist. What evidence do they see? My eldest niece and I have a connection. She's 17, and she's a lot like me and I, like her. Thus, in the minds of so many of my family, I'm not a healthy role model, I'm dangerous.

I cannot put into words how much all of that hurts. To me, they might as well as accused me of wanting to have inappropriate relations with my cats. And the worst part of all of that is that I'm expected to understand them. I'm expected to think their "concerns" are fair. Again, I can't prove it, but none of them would question a cis aunt or a cis uncle having the same relationship with each niece as I do now. For added fun, my anger and hurt over all this kerfuffle is invalidated by almost everyone: I should be more understanding of their concerns.

And all I can think is, if I wanted to be a child molester, then being trans is hard mode. Specifically because of the association so many cis people have.

and with that, I retire to crying in bed, because the burden of every god damn interaction being twice filtered: normal filter, then "she's trans" filter is more than I truly want to deal with. I've just wanted to be a good role model. nothing more. and that's the heap of crap that's added to my default.

/rant

@Kyriakos read this post and then ask yourself why trans people might be upset when you bring up the "logic" you did previously, because this is what happens to us on a daily basis; we're equated and compared to literal sex offenders or deviants and castigated as such.

I don't want to have to defend MY RIGHT to go to a toilet and piss in it without feeling like im going to get my ass dragged out and beat for the crime of not being born female, nor is it a debate i consider worth ever having but you do you, just don't complain when you get push back.

It really bothers me that i have to phrase it like this because people are so detatched from the actual lived life experiences of trans people that they think it's just another humdrum topic to casually debate and question. I'm tired of people being obsessed with my genitals when all i want to do is live my life and i just don't have the desire, urge, will or motivation to explain to someone why it's so insipid and offensive to entertain this debate

 

[emzie]

Hell no.

I hope your SIL is at least doing her part in denying her parents any say in this.

She has been! She and I had this conversation out, without euphemisms (as in, instead of either of us saying "inappropriate" we said, "want to eff [niece's name]"). She told me, and her parents, if that's what I really wanted, I coulda already had. And that I hadn't, was all she really needed to know about what I wanted.

 

[emzie]

@Kyriakos read this post and then ask yourself why trans people might be upset when you bring up the "logic" you did previously, because this is what happens to us on a daily basis; we're equated and compared to literal sex offenders or deviants and castigated as such.

To add to this.

The most common assumption of cis people about trans women is that there has to be something sexual to what we're doing. To that I say: I have like 3-4 orgasams a year now, because of the meds I take. To say this is a sexual thing is absurd hilarity: the meds I take are the same meds have been used to chemically castrate men for being gay (think Alan Turing). If this was about effin', I wouldn't be taking any of these meds, and that 3-4 number would be a magnitude low.

 

[JohannaK]

I remember the first doctor I went to for hair loss. He gave me this lotion that he said could lead to lower libido and sterility. I almost wanted to laugh at his face and tell him that I could not care less and please take my penis away.

What's funny is I hadn't even really come to the point where I realised I was trans. Even now, nobody in my real life knows, and it's because of what emzie just explained. Most of my family doesnt even know I am not straight. I am just chronically afraid that any of them should shut me out for who I am, because they are family and I love them and they love me, but you can never know. My very beloved grandparents are pretty religious, and my grandfather routinely makes throwaway homophobic remarks. Sometimes I half hope they die soon so I don't have to bear that anguish and that hurts because I love them. I wish they would live forever, but it hurts every day that I cannot be me.

At the same time it feels wrong, it feels fake, to claim this and that and come out in this body. It's all wrong and confusing and there is no good way to go about this. Nobody could possibly want this, but it is what it is. The one time I tried to tell someone, they laughed at my face. I can't blame them because they were piss drunk, and I know for a fact she does not remember, but it's not pleasant to try and open up and be shut down like that.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

Again, I can't prove it, but none of them would question a cis aunt or a cis uncle having the same relationship with each niece as I do now.

Honestly not quite sure about the bolded.

 

[Synobun]

Honestly not quite sure about the bolded.

Is this truly the takeaway you want to be broadcasting?

 

[Manfred Belheim]

Is this truly the takeaway you want to be broadcasting?

It's not a takeaway it's a comment.

 

[emzie]

Honestly not quite sure about the bolded.

The best outlook of my predicament is that some of my family sees me as a dude is not the greatest

 

[Manfred Belheim]

The best outlook of my predicament is that some of my family sees me as a dude is not the greatest

Well I wasn't implying that, although I wouldn't know either way of course, I just meant I don't think nieces having close relationships with their uncles is something that would be generally supported either. Not that that minimises anything you're going through of course, but like I say it was just a comment.

 

[emzie]

Well I wasn't implying that, although I wouldn't know either way of course, I just meant I don't think nieces having close relationships with their uncles is something that would be generally supported either. Not that that minimises anything you're going through of course, but like I say it was just a comment.

I'm not completely disagreeing with you, but I think it's really sad that an uncle / niece being close wouldn't be generally supported, too.

 

[JohannaK]

I think uncles and nieces can have a perfectly normal close relationship, but maybe it's just Southern European primitive family structures.

 

[Kyriakos]

@Kyriakos read this post and then ask yourself why trans people might be upset when you bring up the "logic" you did previously, because this is what happens to us on a daily basis; we're equated and compared to literal sex offenders or deviants and castigated as such.

I don't view you as a deviant, Cloud Strife - but I do think you aren't able to discuss anything about this personal to you issue, and now you thought it was a great idea to try to make me feel responsible for something happening to another poster.
This isn't rational, and it gets very tedious. This kind of behavior can only make the other person think there is exactly zero point in discussing; after all, why risk abuse.

 

[gay_Aleks]

IRL has been a mess for me for the last ~9 months, but especially so the last few weeks. I would like to add my voice to more of the discussion happening here but I just don't have the energy. I wanna thank @JohannaK, @Cloud_Strife and @Tolina for taking their time to add their voices to this thread. My personal answer to each question they have answered might be specifically different in nuance, but I endorse what they've had to say fully.

I'm honoured that you think the following, and I wish you all the best in life.

To this day, I still don't know what cis male means.

If I may use a somewhat poetic explanation...Both "cis" and "trans" are actually Latin prefixes, "cis" respectively meaning "on this side of" and "trans" meaning "on the other side of". Therefore, cismale means, basically, "on this side of maleness", and it suggests a mostly positive relationship. Following along. Therefore, conversely, "transwoman" may be taken to mean "on the other side of woman-ness", one that is divergent from a ciswoman, who is "on this side of woman-ness". What's important here is that both the ciswoman and the cisman (and the cisman and transman, respectively), they're all, in the end, part of a greater whole - whether that is woman-ness or maleness. Think of it as scaling a mountain (if you're into Roman history, imagine we're talking about the Cisalpine and Transalpine Alps.) - cismen are on this side of it, transmen are on the other, but they're all on the very same mountain!

[NB: Of course, this is a rather binary metaphor, and there's probably a lot of asterisks to some statements. This, however, is the simplest way to explain it. I think.]

 

[Cloud_Strife]

you thought it was a great idea to try to make me feel responsible for something happening to another poster.

Not at all my friend.

 

[Arakhor]

Moderator Action: I have already explained the expected protocol for the "Ask a..." threads. Furthermore, this very thread has this request at the start. "You are welcome to ask as many follow up questions as you would like. However, this thread is not a place for debate. If you're here to argue instead of listen, please do not post."

So, once again, this is not a debate thread nor a thread for isolated "comments". If you are not here to ask questions without arguing, don't bother posting. Don't make me intervene again.

 

[HEF]

If I may use a somewhat poetic explanation...Both "cis" and "trans" are actually Latin prefixes, "cis" respectively meaning "on this side of" and "trans" meaning "on the other side of". Therefore, cismale means, basically, "on this side of maleness", and it suggests a mostly positive relationship. Following along. Therefore, conversely, "transwoman" may be taken to mean "on the other side of woman-ness", one that is divergent from a ciswoman, who is "on this side of woman-ness". What's important here is that both the ciswoman and the cisman (and the cisman and transman, respectively), they're all, in the end, part of a greater whole - whether that is woman-ness or maleness. Think of it as scaling a mountain (if you're into Roman history, imagine we're talking about the Cisalpine and Transalpine Alps.) - cismen are on this side of it, transmen are on the other, but they're all on the very same mountain!

[NB: Of course, this is a rather binary metaphor, and there's probably a lot of asterisks to some statements. This, however, is the simplest way to explain it. I think.]

Ah! Thanks for the reply!



That helps tremendously.


Thank you.

 

[Hygro]

Well I wasn't implying that, although I wouldn't know either way of course, I just meant I don't think nieces having close relationships with their uncles is something that would be generally supported either. Not that that minimises anything you're going through of course, but like I say it was just a comment.

It is in my family. We’re legit.

 

[Zardnaar]

I think uncles and nieces can have a perfectly normal close relationship, but maybe it's just Southern European primitive family structures.

My niece and I get in great. She's 11.

I'm her favorite uncle because my brother is very straight edge, and her mum isn't a gamer.

Uncle Z can game with her and let's her use the PS4/Xbox and show her how to play.

I wouldn't worry about trans people around anymore than any other stranger or cus person.

 

[yung.carl.jung]

couple of questions for anyone who wants to answer:

what are you thoughts on truscum and transtrenders?
specifically I want to know what truscum actually believe, I've heard accounts ranging from: "anyone who doesn't want to medically transition into a binary gender is not trans" to "anyone who experiences some degree of gender dysphoria is a transperson" (which some people still find problematic because it excludes NB who aren't dysphoric and generally people who are euphoric instead)

are there people who are both NB and trans? (I suppose being NB at some point in your life is the norm for most transpeople, but do they still feel NB after transition?)

is gender dysphoria a necessity for being a transperson, is gender euphoria enough, or is neither needed, in your opinion?

does a transperson by definition want to transition, medical or otherwise?

is the dysphoria or the desire to transition rooted in genetics/biology to some degree?

one thing I have recently been thinking about it this: If there really was no biological basis for gender dysphoria or wanting to transition, and if we acknowledge that NB (who do not want to medically transition) can also be transpeople, then that could have implications for whether dysphoria is seen as an actual """"illness"""" and is in the DSM (and the WHOs equivalent), and in turn whether transpeople can get medication from their insurance. if a sizeable portion of transpeople do not want to transition, people could make the conclusion that making free medication for transpeople obligatory is not needed anymore. (I realize that already today not all transpeople have this priviledge of insurance).

I generally don't have a hard time at all with understanding people that have NB gender identities because for me this was always kind of the baseline, I've more or less always thought about gender as more or less fluid, more or less performed, more or less cultural, even as a very young person, but I have trouble understanding the intersections of trans and NB identity. cheers and thanks in advance.