I am now alone. My father, the only one who ever understood, was dead. I take his title now with a heavy heart, knowing of the events to come. I felt it deep within me, before I ever truly knew. I think he did too. It burns greater than ever now that I am Lengelzai, now that I see Koke in my waking dreams.
I fear for my sanity, as visions and events unspoken come unbidden to my eyes. Events that I have not heard, even in the whispers I hear in the dark of night. Battles yet unwon fill my every being, and questions without answers plaugue my mind. I understand now, why my father feared for me. Hoped that I would not take his path.
I regret it, just a little.
But it was his dying wish. I saw it within his eyes, that burning question he wanted me to seek. The fire that raged within me since I first saw the stars. Since I first truly saw the world as it was meant to be seen. When I wandered the plains, saw an eagle soar, free in the skies.
I was a fool to want it.
I enjoy it still, even with the responsibility and the dreams. I feel the hopes and expectations of my people weigh down upon me, and I wish only to let them go, and return to the shadows, return to being unknown. But I cannot let them go. They latch unto me until their desire becomes my own. My people fuel me, even as they crush me with their weight. Such is the burden of leadership.
My father made it his strength, and I suppose that I will learn to do the same.
They say that experience will give me strength, but I do not listen. Strength will not be gained until I deal with true adversity, as my father did upon the battle field. I lived through the steppe, yes, but that adversity merely shaped me. In order to truly become Lengelzai, I must be broken. Reforged like hot bronze in the burning fire of my chest.
My father never broke.
He was to strong to break, I think. Indomitable, and cunning. At the very end it broke him, but during his reign he was too active, too intelligent to let it forge him into the title. He was always Jebe first, Lengelzai second. Perhaps that is the way we were meant to live.
I will not have that luxury.
There are unspoken words, hovering in the dark. Images burned into my eyes, keeping dreams of green pastures from my tired mind. Molten lava burns in my veins, and I cannot rest. I know why. My father knew too. He was like me once, but he was stronger. He bent before he broke, but I will not.
I am already breaking.
The pressure, the information, the lies and the games. Whispers in darkness, smiles given in daylight. Words unsaid, letters unwritten. Dreams of burning cities, of slain warriors in the Sky. Koke wakes me, and I know. I will not last long, before I am ready to break. Before I am ready to become what I was meant to.
Koke guides me down this path.
A path I am frightened to travel. It is a path of hardship, and a path of many pivotal decisions. I think that Koke means to prepare me for those moments through this. Plans to make me ready for what is coming. Strong enough to reforge myself from the ashes, strong enough to lead the Lengel through trubulent times.
Perhaps one of my brothers means to start a civil war?
No, I do not think it. I have ears even with my brother, and he does not wish to march against the might of my loyal generals, and my loyal armies. Not that anyone is not loyal in the nation of Lengel. We are all loyal to some degree. Loyal to Koke, loyal to family, loyal to an idea.
Lengels are an idea.
It is true. We are more than a nation, more than an army. We are an idea, a united, final culture for all who wish for it. For all who feel the fire burn within their chest. An ideal. Unification. Glory. Honor. Battle. Words that define exactly what a Lengel is, and what we will always be.
Words that broke me.
I am but a shell of myself now. My hopes and dreams lay crushed underneath the weight. I understood, when I ran my father through what being Lengelzai would do to me. And I took it anyway. I grasped at its flame like Citadel grasps for truth.
And it burned.
I am but a shell now, a shell for the fire of the Lengel. The words echo within me now. The words that define us. My eyes have seen it, my ears have heard it, but I cannot stop what is coming. The bonfire drives me forward, ever towards destiny.
When the times comes, I will ask.
And my question will be answered. But not yet. Not yet. I am but a shell for the Lengel, and am I now charging forward, ladden with the unspoken words upon every Lengel's lips. The fire that burns beneath their skin now burns in me. And I cannot contain it. I am burning brightly, and I cannot help by draw moths to my flame.
The time is near. I cannot stop it. It broke me, and then reforged me. I am greater than I was before. Stronger, more in tune with my people. Koke is ever present with me, and I think my people feel it. And are drawn to it. I cannot stop it now. I could have.
But I did not want to.