My New-Found Apathy

[Fifty]

Ok normally I'm a fairly positive guy, but right now I'm anything but...

I think that I have become completely apathetic towards all of humanity. When I say that, I mean that I don't think that anyone fundamentally cares about anyone but themselves. Since this is the internet and none of you know me, I see no problem with spilling my guts:

Ok so my mom is dead (died of alcoholism when I was in 6th grade), I live with my dad. First of all, the guy bends over backwards for his girlfriend and doesn't do crap for me. I have to pay for gas, insurance, school stuff, sports stuff, college applications, nearly everything. His excuse is we don't have money, yet he takes his girfriend out for dancing and dining a couple nights a week. What's worse though, is his drinking. Suddenly he started drinking. I beg him to stop, and make him swear on my life he will stop (the reason I took it so serious is because he wasn't being a social drinker, he was concealing it and lying to me), so he swore on my life that he would stop. Instead of stoping, he has done his best to hide it. He keeps a bottle of mouth wash in his car to wash the smell away, when I ask him about it he says it is because he has periodontal disease of the gums or something. But I know by his behaviors what nights he is tipsy. Today for instance, I am sure he was. Also, I found out he'd at some point in the last couple weeks completely demolished a bottle of rum that we had only used about 1/4 of a cup for, for making a dessert a long time ago. So basically, he is a closet alcoholic in the early stages, and he denies it to the end.

I realize that this may sound whiny, depressing, juvenile, overly emotional, or just plain dumb, and many of you will shrug it off as a case of the average teenager blues, but when a dad cares so little about his kid as to drink himself to oblivion in front of the kid who experienced a childhood of hell because of his mom's drinking, how can I expect to believe that people give a darn about anybody but themselves. I see it to lesser degrees elsewhere, but this this the most obvious example.

Seriously, I'm trying not to make this the average teenager "the whole world hates me" type of deal, I think I have a legitimate reason to believe that nobody cares for a single person but themselves. Maybe I'm just venting, but whatever.

Oh, and we aren't some poor, non-average type of family. We are upper middle class, I'm a popular kid at school (considered a preppy), my dad is a successful member of the community, etc. etc.

I feel like Conrad Jarret. Feel free to post your thoughts. Please no referrals to alcohol support related crap, I know from experience it does not work.

 

[Bronx Warlord]

I fell for you bro, I really do. My mother was a hardcore drug addict for a long time and I had to turn my back on her for many years, she was not there for things like my highschool graduation, my graduation from Marine Corps basic training, my wedding and such. All I can say is you should be glad your self reliant and paying for yourself in this world, cause the next 60+ years are going to be just that.

As for your father, like my mother he is just huamn, with a very serious flaw. This may sound harsh but take it from someone that has been there, you have to accecpt the fact he is going to die, mabey the same way as your mom. Try and tell him how you feel one more time and tell him that you want to ahve some sort of memory of him besides the ones he is building with his actions, tell him that chicas come and go but you are his son, and will be here forever. You deserve his attention more than some broad, least in my opinion.

Now since I'm being honest, I can tell you this talk did not work with my mom, and I had to turn my back on her for years, and it ****'ed me up for many years on the inside. I finally made peice with her, after she found treatment and soberiety. All I can say is be strong and be prepaired to be your onw man, what is going on right now will make you stronger, no matter how much it hurts you. I can still remember the feelings of shame from what my mom did with her life, and how I felt it was a reflection apon me, yet don't let it screw your life up.

Grab life by the balls and squeeze until they crunch, regardless of the outcome, you have to live for you.

 

[Sword_Of_Geddon]

I was blessed to have good parents who love and care about me. But I can certainly understand where you are coming from. One day when I was going to an internship I had, I crossed the street. It was winter and the road as icy, and I slipped as I was walking, fell, and broke my right foot. Everyone driving by saw it happen, and nobody bothered to help me. So I had to drag myself to the building, limping threw the pain and everything. I think its really a lack of strong moral values.

 

[BasketCase]

There are a lot of people out there who really do care about others. The problem is finding them. Some of them are like me, and don't like to mix in with the real world because sometimes the real world really does suck. We tend to keep to ourselves when you bump into us at the grocery store or Macy's or wherever.

It's impressive how your list of "stuff I have to pay for" includes sports goodies, school and college, etc. Seems like you're making your way pretty well on your own.

 

[Mathilda]

Monk - world's not black and white. Menaing it's not all black either. Just because he's your dad doesn't unforunately make him good. Or strong. I'd hazard a guess that your dad suffered from your mom's death as well. It's sad that he can't (not won't, but can't) be strong for your sake.
Actually I'm more inclined to think that your dad is weak than to think that he's bad.


What you are learning is a hard lesson.


I wish you will be saved from some of the other lessons.

 

[Arminius]

You can't assume that. Assume, if you must, that most people are like that. What I think you have to understand is that there are people out there that aren't like that. In fact, many of the people here are like that. The truth of the matter is that you have to make sure you aren't like that, because if you do then you'll never know that anyone is different. I can tell you I'm not, but you don't have to believe me. But believe this: becoming what you dislike leads down the wrong path. Stay strong.

 

[stormbind]

Stop to think, why is he drinking? Some people drink to forget or because they cannot cope with daily stress.

I would not say that alchoholics only care about themselves, because it's quite obvious they don't care much for themselves.

My dad happens to be a heavy drinker though he never made an effort to hide it. I think his liver died long ago, so he cannot now sober up.

 

[neviden]

reality is.. all guilt triping, will not make him stop drinking. He will just hide it more. He and he alone can fix that. He must find the reason why he is drinking.

Maybe he feels responsible for not being able to stop your mother (his wife) drinking herself to death. Maybe he feels he has not loved or cared for her enough (and think that's why she drank), so he tries to 'fix' it with his new girlfriend..

And, as for drinking in front of a son and not spending money on you.. you are in collage, so maybe he thinks you are on your own - grown up man..

 

[Fifty]

And, as for drinking in front of a son and not spending money on you.. you are in collage, so maybe he thinks you are on your own - grown up man..

First of all, I'm in high school, not college. I never said that he drinks in front of me, he drinks behind my back. I do not expect him to pay for everything, but it is extremely difficult to not get upset when he pays for expensive dinners for his GF constantly, yet doesn't have money for college applications.

I'm not sure if you're aware of the severity of the situation so I won't really blame you for such a calous remark as "grow up man".

 

[andrewgprv]

Monk do you think that your dad is drinking to hurt you?

I highly doubt that is the reason he is drinking. It sounds like he has an addictive personality. My boyfriend has an addictive personality. He inheritied from both parents. Luckily he finds other ways to deal with his addiction rather then booze, but his father and sister both rely on booze. Alcohaul is a very dangerous addiction because of the stupid agressive things people do when drunk. I have seen first hand the power that addiction has over people. It is an icredably difficult thing for people to overcome. In fact I have never seen anyone overcome it. I have only seen people find less dangerous addictions to indulge in or find a way to cope with their addiction.

My point is that your dad has a problem. One that is extremely hard for him to deal with. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you. But he is just human. He will fail just like we all do. You seem to be internalising his problem thinking that if he truley loves you he would stop for you. This is an unrealistic expectation. Similar to a parent expecting their child to be something they are not.

My advice is to stop thinking of it as your problem and think of it as his problem. Talk to him about it. Don't guilt him, think of the ways that his addiction is hurtfull and try to find ways to lessen the damage. Realise that this is a problem he may never overcome and that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Perhaps you can find a way together to dull the blades of his addiction.

 

[andrewgprv]

Also Monk about him spoiling his girlfriend and not you.

Keep in mind that many fathers believe it is their duty to teach their sons how to be strong. To teach their sons how to make it in a harsh world. I used to resent my parents for making me have a job since age 9. I got a paper route when i was 9 and have held a job ever since. I tried to quit my paper route but my parents wouldn't let me. I have been responsable for paying for most all of my own things for a long time. I still think it may be a harsh thing for parents to do but it has helped me greatly.

Since I have gone out into the world on my own I have done very well. I attribute much of this to how hard my parents were on me sometimes. I learned early the value of a job and how to handle money. Something many of my peers still struggle with.

A man will not show love to his son in the way he will show love to his spouse. Most men want to spoil and protect their spouses. But they want to strenghten their sons.

 

[TrailblazingScot]

Also Monk about him spoiling his girlfriend and not you.

Keep in mind that many fathers believe it is their duty to teach their sons how to be strong. To teach their sons how to make it in a harsh world. I used to resent my parents for making me have a job since age 9. I got a paper route when i was 9 and have held a job ever since. I tried to quit my paper route but my parents wouldn't let me. I have been responsable for paying for most all of my own things for a long time. I still think it may be a harsh thing for parents to do but it has helped me greatly.

Since I have gone out into the world on my own I have done very well. I attribute much of this to how hard my parents were on me sometimes. I learned early the value of a job and how to handle money. Something many of my peers still struggle with.

A man will not show love to his son in the way he will show love to his spouse. Most men want to spoil and protect their spouses. But they want to strenghten their sons.

Yeah, what is an alcoholic father and his girlfriend and a dead mother compared to a paper-round?

On a more serious note Monk, from what you have written, it appears that your father does care for you in the emotional sense, it is simply that he is failing completely in the physical sense. I say this as you say he has promised to change, he tries to hide it from you, he cares what you think of him.

If he isn't supporting you financially and you are in high school, then you need to present the costs you have and ask him how you are expected to pay for them. It could be an opening into the wider issues indirectly. Indeed, how are you paying for all these bills at present and is that placing that great a strain upon you, as Andrew said, a job can be of great benefit in terms of making you knuckle down and try harder to do well. There is no greater motivator than a crap job to make the most of education.

If your father and lifestyle is out-of-control, what part does your fathers woman play?

However it goes, I hope you and your father all the best.

 

[andrewgprv]

Yeah, what is an alcoholic father and his girlfriend and a dead mother compared to a paper-round?

Piss Off, You have no clue what my childhood was like. I gave one small example of something I experienced, in regards to finances. I felt no need to go into detail about my hardships since we are talking about Monk here.

 

[Akka]

Well, my advises can be completely stupids, as I don't have really much experience of such situations, nor do I know you or your situation enough to really have an educated opinion.

But from what I read, you have a dad that is, despite his failing, emotionnally attached to you, and you seem to have at least a part of authority in the house.

So perhaps (again, it can be a completely idiotic advice, I trust you to be able to see if it's applicable in your situation) you could use the raw opposition to him : deciding facts without asking for his opinions, giving him the note of your expenses of the month each time he's about to go to a dinner with his gf and saying "if you've money for this, you can at least pay half of that note", and so on.

And for the record, you HAVE a legitimate reason to be angry. Don't let any idiot throwing you in the face that you are a crybaby or something like that.

 

[TrailblazingScot]

Piss Off, You have no clue what my childhood was like. I gave one small example of something I experienced, in regards to finances. I felt no need to go into detail about my hardships since we are talking about Monk here.

Precisely, you told us one thing as if that was somehow equivalent and then you go crazy when people respond to what you write. Indeed, I don't know what your childhood is like because you haven't said, except that having a paper-round is hard.

 

[JohnRM]

Do not let that which you cannot control, get in the way of that which you can.

Do your best to survive and better your own life. You will find something worth caring about, someday.

 

[andrewgprv]

Precisely, you told us one thing as if that was somehow equivalent and then you go crazy when people respond to what you write. Indeed, I don't know what your childhood is like because you haven't said, except that having a paper-round is hard.

I never compared a paper-route to an alcoholic father. I compared it to having to pay your way without your parents help, cause that's what I did.

You made a smart ass comment without any basis. If you want to attack me do it in a PM.

 

[JohnRM]

First of all, I'm in high school, not college. I never said that he drinks in front of me, he drinks behind my back. I do not expect him to pay for everything, but it is extremely difficult to not get upset when he pays for expensive dinners for his GF constantly, yet doesn't have money for college applications.

I'm not sure if you're aware of the severity of the situation so I won't really blame you for such a calous remark as "grow up man".

You made a mistake by coming here and expecting anything but further frustration. For the most part, it is up to you to survive and create a better world for yourself. Focus on the things that you can control and worry less about those things that you cannot.

 

[Bigfoot]

You have my sincere sympathy Monk, it sounds like you have been through (and are going through) a lot. There are support groups for people in your situation, I highly recommend that you give one a try: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/alateen.html
Best wishes.

 

[Narz]

It's good to realize early that the world isn't as it is "supposed to be". It's true, people do care about themselves first and foremost and just because two people can have sex and produce a baby doesn't mean they know how to be loving or good parents. And of course not everyone's parents even survive their childhood. You have my compassion Monk.

I believe in karma and I believe in myself. So I know that whatever happens it is somehow for the best and it will make me stronger. Your thoughts and beliefs about the world help mold your future world so keep in mind what you want (what type of people you want to be with, what you want to be doing with your time, etc.) and eventually if you don't give up you will get it (what you want).

This might sound ****ed up but try to feel lucky that you've gone though alot of struggle and pain early in life. If you can learn from it and transcend it now you will have a much happier 2nd half of life. I've been thru struggles but I'm glad that I wasn't sheltered and I'm glad I haven't lived my life with eyes half closed.

Also, now you have seen what giving away responsibility (to alcohol or to another person) can do to someone and you are the wiser for it.

No one here (on this forum) or anywhere for that matter is qualified to tell you what to do because no one is in your situation but you. The best advice I can give is to think about what you want, act on that, be responsible for yourself (take care of yourself first and if anyone else wants to lend a hand that's just bonus) and have no regrets. Be compassionate to other people because they can't see the world thru your eyes.

Good luck!

- Narz