Open marriages

[innonimatu]

I'm an all or nothing guy when it comes to pacts. If it's to be broken, it's to be broken, not renegotiated. She agreed to exclusivity, now wants to drop that portion of the pact? Off she goes.

But that husband is of a different type: he gave in with accepting the open marriage thing. So that hypothetical (?) husband may give in further. His problem.

This is kind of like the "marriage" between Greece and Germany (and others, that one is polygamous) called EU... renegotiating only gets people angry and miserable for the time it takes to reach the next crisis, instead of solving the problem.

 

[classical_hero]

An open marriage is an oxymoron, since the two are mutually exclusive.

 

[kramerfan86]

Open marriages are rubbish to ask for after the fact. If someone no longer likes their relationship they should be decent enough to end it or figure out how to enjoy it again. A monogamous relationship where one partner now wants some action on the side is not a relationship worth saving. The fact she demands to continue it even though she knows how deeply uncomfortable the husband is with it shows how little she values to marriage.

 

[Gori the Grey]

Here's my solution.

Tell the wife, "I'm glad we've agreed to this open marriage. It will give me too the opportunity to start looking around for what I would like in a partner, which is a commitment to strict monogamy. I don't plan to be sexually unfaithful to you while we are married, but if I find someone who values the same thing in marriage that I do, I will be divorcing you to marry her."

Then go out regularly chatting up women.

 

[JollyRoger]

An open marriage is an oxymoron, since the two are mutually exclusive.

Better Call Saul

 

[BvBPL]

No need to harp on that, JR.

 

[Hygro]

Damn Tim, that's playing the game.

I would also take that time to re-up my hotness and vibrancy.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

Damn Tim, that's playing the game.

I would also take that time to re-up my hotness and vibrancy.

Beyond about age 25 the deck is so stacked in favor of men that hotness and vibrancy are pretty much optional.

 

[Hygro]

Beyond about age 25 the deck is so stacked in favor of men that hotness and vibrancy are pretty much optional.

I think that was more true a generation+ ago. Still probably true. But upping hotness and vibrancy is good internally to get out there and snag women who might make you feel a bit better about the whole thing.

 

[Zelig]

An open marriage is an oxymoron, since the two are mutually exclusive.

Yes, I would expect you to believe that openness and marriage are mutually exclusive.

 

[Yeekim]

So what exactly is the problem?

 

[Hygro]

So what exactly is the problem?

Feelings?

 

[Yeekim]

Feelings?

There are classes to manage anger, so why not jealousy?

 

[Hygro]

There are classes to manage anger, so why not jealousy?

Where does this icy slope end?

 

[Tahuti]

Where is Caesar Augustus when you need him?

 

[Borachio]

I'll tell you what I would do about this if it happened to me: I'd suffer. And that's about it. I'd suffer if I was any of the three parties involved.

I've met people who've claimed to have open marriages. And they've never lasted beyond a year or two. (Not that a lot of ordinary marriages don't last that long.)

I've heard about people who've claimed to have successful open marriages. And I think they must be highly unusual people, if they're telling the truth.

 

[jackelgull]

I think it really depends on the person. Some people can handle open marriages. For me though, I don't think I can accept something like that without a loss of self respect involved. So in the end I suppose I would get a divorce. The monetary loss might be worth the self respect preserved from such a move. My wife is free to explore her sexuality. That doesn't mean she has to do it while still married to me. Maybe that means I'm selfish and should probably not get married .

 

[Terxpahseyton]

If such a situation was to arise, I certainly wouldn't post the details to a public discussion forum.

Why not? The odds of it being traced back to him seem really slim. And the advice you can get can be valuable.
Sounds to me like you are just shaming the guy.

The key issue is it just (a) casual sex or (b) is there a stronger emotional relationship?

If it is just (a) then the husband can just sit it out and either his wife or
her lover will get bored with it. If it is (b) then the marriage is doomed.

Maybe I am just being romantic / under-appreciate the value of some really good sex - but I am almost certain that it is more than just "casual" sex for it to be so important to her but yet not necessarily (b). I think it is also about having an adventure, something special and exciting. Or at least that is what sounds plausible to me. The boning itself can't be that good - right? Right?

 

[Flying Pig]

There are classes to manage anger, so why not jealousy?

Unfortunately those are always a question of managing - ie, not letting it affect your daily life - rather than avoiding it. It's the jealousy itself that's unpleasant, and no amount of classes will make that go away.

 

[IAM]

For an open marriaqge to work both parties must be 100% for that situation. This seems like a situation that will only get worse and end badly. Get evidence that she has had relations with the other person and then divorce her.