[RFC] Rome: Eternal Empire

[pole475]

Of course it is. Just wait a few more months.

In METY time of course that could be more then a few months

 

[Daedwartin]

dang...he is slow mic-slow. SUTE. you need to evolve into GWUOT, Guy who updates on time.

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

Hey, I have Thanksgiving vacation now. I'll have time.

 

[SamSniped]

Less banter more update.

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

My Thanksgiving gift to you all is an update, and your gift to me is you can shut up about me updating.

Ex-Emperor: I'm bored.
Premier: I know you're bored, it's been months since anything happened! And you should shut up about the boredom, MoreEpicThanYou will unfreeze time when he's ready.
Ex-Emperor: But the voices... They come from above! They tell me to yell about it, like it will change something.
Premier: Quit leaning on the fourth wall. It's pretty fragile.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the long-awaited update to Rome: Eternal Empire! Of course, the Emperor and the Premier don't know that I'm updating, so you all get to see what happens between updates.

Ex-Emperor: So... poker?
Premier: I'd love to, but MoreEpicThanYou kills off so many characters, that the only ones we can play with are the Random Citizen, Millie, and Chuck Norris. But the Random Citizen only speaks Colonese, Millie exists for a badly-placed innuendo, and Chuck Norris always wins.
???: I know a lot of poker players. You'll meet a lot of them, where you're going.
Ex-Emperor: Great, who is it this time?
???: I am the...
Premier: Narrator!
???: Of course not! If I was the Narrator, I would spoil the planned sequel! I am SISIUTIL, the UPDATE DEVIL!
Premier: Planned sequel?
Ex-Emperor: That's not important right now! WHO IS SISIUTIL?
Sisiutil: Do you ever wonder what happens to the characters of stories that die? They go to UPDATE HELL, and I am the ruler!
*Flash of light as everyone disappears*

Wait, what... This story isn't dead! I'm in the middle of updating! Let's see... It's not letting me take the Ex-Emperor and the Premier out of Update Hell, but I can create substitute characters! Just give me a few minutes...

Premier: Where are we?
Sisiutil: This is Update Hell! Here you see the characters of dead stories.
Ex-Emperor: Look! There's Lenin and Asoka!
Lenin: CRUSAAAAAAAAADES are way better than Cows!!
Asoka: Nonsense. Cows! are the superior being.
Sisiutil: They're always like that.
Premier: And there's Yoshiegg737!
Yoshiegg737: Hey, Sisiutil! My storie's are way deader than your's!
Sisiutil: No they're not, and mine have proper grammar!
Ex-Emperor: And there's-
Premier: WAIT! Do we really want to spend the whole time making bad references?
Ex-Emperor: Good point... So, what exactly do we do in Update Hell?
Sisiutil: Basically, you wallow in nostalgia for the good old days, and you relive the sensation of finding an incredible story, spend hours reading it, to find that the author quit halfway through two years ago.
Ex-Emperor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Meanwhile, in Rome*
MoreEpicThanYou: Chuck Norris, looks like you're in charge of the Empire now.
Chuck Norris: Nope, this is too easy. Give it to someone else.
MoreEpicThanYou: Millie?
Millie: Sorry, the Romans aren't my type.
MoreEpicThanYou: *sigh* I can't believe I'm doing this... Random Citizen?
Random Citizen: ::::! :::::::::::: :::: :::::::!
MoreEpicThanYou: At least you're up to the task... I'll help you.
Random Citizen: :::! :::: :::: ::: ::::::::::: ::::::::!
MoreEpicThanYou: How is decolonization good for us?

MoreEpicThanYou: Here are some stats and stuff for all of you to look at... wait, we don't own all the top 5 cities?
Random Citizen: ::::: :::::: ::::::::!
MoreEpicThanYou: They're not communists!

MoreEpicThanYou: Here are some victory conditions. I consider a Time victory unmanly, so it looks like either Domination or Space Race.

Russian Spy: Ve vill take over ze world! VITH VODKA!
Random Citizen: ::: :::: :::: ::::!
MoreEpicThanYou: GO GET HIM!

Random Citizen: :::: ::: :: ::::: ::::?
MoreEpicThanYou: What do you mean, "why are we doing this?" We're getting Alexandria back! Too bad it turned out they're Japan's vassal...

MoreEpicThanYou: Actually, too good! Let's do this!
Random Citizen: ::::: ::: :::::.
MoreEpicThanYou: Why are you spouting gibberish?

MoreEpicThanYou: So, what should we do now-- hey, get off my computer!
Random Citizen: THE COMMIES MUST BE STOPPED!
MoreEpicThanYou: FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE COMMIES! Wait... you can speak English?
Random Citizen: Only for dramatic effect.

*Meanwhile, in Update Hell...*

Ex-Emperor: I just know that the story isn't dead... MoreEpicThanYou would've told us!
Premier: Maybe not. Brandon.herren and MaxWar disappeared without a trace.
Ex-Emperor: I know who will save us... Update Jesus!
Premier: You and your devotion. If there's an Update Devil, then we can assume there's an Update God, in an Update Heaven for stories that go on until the end. But who says the Update God is Christian?
Ex-Emperor: I might as well try!
*Ex-Emperor writes a letter*
Premier: But assuming Update Jesus exists, how would you get this letter to him?
Ex-Emperor: Same way I conveniently got the paper and pen to write on. The Literary Power of Convenient Teleportation!
*The letter disappears in a flash*
Premier:
Ex-Emperor: We're fictional characters! We can do stuff normal people can't.

*In Update Heaven*

Update Jesus: Let's see, fan mail, fan mail, ooh, a request to get out of Update Hell? Those are always a laugh.

Dear Update Jesus,

I know you exist some where out there.
Remember all the heathens I killed in your
name? The Premier and I deserve to go
back to our story. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?

Sincerely,
The Ex-Emperor

Update Jesus: This is the funniest thing I've ever seen! I'll have to make a deal with him...

*Meanwhile, in Rome*

MoreEpicThanYou: Let the nuke montage begin!

MoreEpicThanYou: Well, THAT clears things up a bit. Let's look at victory conditions now!
Random Citizen: ::::.
MoreEpicThanYou: Damn, indeed.

MoreEpicThanYou: As for the top 5 cities... oh, well. At least France is a vassal of ours.

MoreEpicThanYou: Hooray for nuclear invasions! Now Lisboa has plenty of space, though the Russians aren't too happy.
Random Citizen: :::: ::: :::::::! :::: ::::!
MoreEpicThanYou: Will you shut up about commies!

MoreEpicThanYou: Because why not? (We lost, forgot to take a screenshot)

MoreEpicThanYou: White peace, I guess. There's really nothing I can take.

Random Citizen: ::! :::: ::: ::::::::::::!
MoreEpicThanYou: It's not colonizing! Think of it as a village already in Roman territory rapidly growing.

MoreEpicThanYou: What... They can't do that!

MoreEpicThanYou: Those are some of my most important nuke factories!
Random Citizen: :::! :::: :::::::::: :::: :::::: ::::::::::!
MoreEpicThanYou: THIS IS CIV! FREEDOM IS NOT GOOD!

MoreEpicThanYou: To end on a high note, here's the invasion of Russia.

Well, that's all for now! See you next time, on Rome: Eternal Empire! Wait, I'm getting something... The regular characters! They're not in Update Hell anymore, though...

Ex-Emperor: You want us to be your personal comedians?
Update Jesus: Yes! That letter you sent me was so funny! Your job is to come up with a new comedy story every day!
Premier: And if we refuse?
Update Jesus: Then you get to listen to people begging you for new stories until you make one.
MoreEpicThanYou: There you are! I was looking all over for you guys. Let's go back to Rome.
Update Jesus: Wait! I think you in particular would like them being my comedians for a few months...
MoreEpicThanYou: Say... that's actually a good idea. I know the perfect people to beg them for stories if they fail. In fact, they're probably reading this right now.

THE END​

 

[Daedwartin]

SISIUTIL...interesting...taking for future stories...
we request more updates

 

[CocoIsKing28]

Alright, METY, I won't complain anymore.

 

[Earth AD 2754]

Wow. Jolly good update! But please make more updates in a shorter time range.

 

[trexeric]

Just win already. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?

 

[Dumanios]

Lenin, get out of update hell, I need you for the Rise of Peter.

 

[Daedwartin]

Lenin, get out of update hell, I need you for the Rise of Peter.

Vladimir Ilyich Lenin is immortal. The Update Devil has no power over him!

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

EPIC NEWS: This thread just beat Princes of the Universe Part 2, and is now the 4th most viewed thread and 3rd most viewed story in S&T of all time.

 

[Daedwartin]

EPIC NEWS: This thread just beat Princes of the Universe Part 2, and is now the 4th most viewed thread and 3rd most viewed story in S&T of all time.

NOT SO EPIC NEWS: the above is not a update.

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

I tried to put a moral lesson in the last update, but it seems some of you didn't get it.

 

[SamSniped]

Oh, please, you expect such a pragmatic sniper as myself to learn morals from a story?

 

[Daedwartin]

Oh, please, you expect such a pragmatic sniper as myself to learn morals from a story?

HEADSHOT

 

[SamSniped]

Missed.

 

[Daedwartin]

Missed.

HEADSHOT

HEADSHOT

HEADSHOT
Try dodging...I just jinxed my self.

 

[Tambien]

Suddenly, you get a headshot from behind and DIE.

 

[Daedwartin]

Suddenly, you get a headshot from behind and DIE.

But then I respawn. It is always war after all.