10: You don't have enough money to buy a ticket.
1) I continue to rant about the evils of Tankism while I shoot the Psi Corps agent in the face with my QBZ-95.
2) The 1st Police Battalion, assisted by the 1st Parliamentary Guards, will round up and arrest members of the Psi Corps that have infiltrated Canberra.
3) The Canberran Saberist Priesthood will perform a long distance traditional Saberist purification ritual (oh yeah this ritual is back baby) to purge Yuri's influence from me (NinjaCow64) and restore my willpower.
4) The Australian National University College of Engineering and Computer Science will make a program that does the same thing as the Cult of Minimalism' s dice modifier reader program except better because the ANU is a TOP TWENTY UNIVERSITY!!!
17 (20): It's like watching
Rambo if Rambo was played by a nerd infatuated with the sound of his own voice. You take a grisly 20% strength out of the company and kill the adept, nullifying the unit’s modifiers!
2 (4): "LACK OF EVIDENCE IS NOT EVIDENCE OF LACK!!" A paranoid witch-hunt ensues that results in sweeping arrests under dubious pretenses. 1st Parliamentary Guards Regiment and 1st Police Battalion are immobilized with -2 combat and -15% wealth taxable for the next four turns as civil society is further upended.
9: Are they effing kidding you? Mech is hogging the line
again?!?!
9: Unfortunately, several members of the dev team were caught up in the arrests and the project stalls for lack of leadership.
the Empress will use her magics to teleport herself and Bellator to Crete so she and her demonic hero can join Leon in countering the traitor Caron.
8 (10): Hey, teleporting without line of sight isn't like dusting crops, gurl! Without precise calculations you could fly straight through a gravity well or materialize halfway inside Leon and that'd end your marriage prospects with Faxum pretty quick!
1. Enact the First Kiruna Accord. Norrland-Sápmi look forward to future cooperation with our new allies in the north.
2. President Gustavsson approves legislation to formally incorporate claimed territory in eastern Sápmi.
16 (20): The discussions are a smashing success: between Stockholm's machinations and the Madness of Empress Esther, Guovdageaidnu is more than willing to enter into a united front. +5 diplomacy, +5 trade, mutual right of passage with, -5
casus belli v. Northern Sámi Federation; +10 casus belli v. aggression on NSF; NSF gains +10 casus belli v. aggression on Norrland-Sápmi; President Gustavsson gains 3% approval.
17: The Finnish frontier is officially integrated into the nation, bringing with it $125,000 in floating capital and +$2000 wealth taxable, as well as some sympathetic jaegercommandos.
Action One: The situation is dark, which means its time for a cracking speech! Give one to Parliament in order to unite the nation and improve national morale.
Action Two: The fleet may be becalmed, but Lapis can control water and fly. Send her on to Washington to support the good fight against Christos.
Action Three: These are turbulent times, and we need more ships. Lay down a couple of aircraft carriers and escorts if possible.
19: "It's time to do what has tobe done by us and help our allies to defeat the ENEMYS!!" you cry to a standing ovation. British Steel is alive and well, providing the armed forces +2 morale and +2 combat for the next 12 turns.
19 (20): Under normal circumstances this might constitute abandoning the ship, but really, I think everyone wants the USA put down as expediently as possible. Lapis makes haste to D.C. for a link-up with Megs, ETA 2 turns.
11: Hulls are laid down in London and Plymouth for a sum total of $60 million, ETA 20 turns.
We'll spawn someone who can deal with this:
"C'mon, Morty, we're going on an adventure!"
"Aw jeez Rick, I thought you said I could finish a whole school day this week!"
"Yeah, well that was before some idiot decided to play piñata with the fabric of reality. You'll be
lucky if you even
have a school tomorrow, know what I'm saying?"
"Alright,
fine..."
"Look at this photo, Morty. D'you know who that is?"
"Oh man, that's the famous astrophysicist Neil DarthReus Tyson! I-I-Is he in danger? Are we going to rescue him??"
"Yeah, we're rescuing him. We're rescuing him from his own [BEEP]ing ego. I'm not doing it for him, though, Morty! Honestly if it was any other day in a–UURP–ny other circumstance, I'd be happy to sit back and watch his skeleton bleach in the sun. But he just
had to be so goddamn
ingenious that the fate of the world is at stake!"
"H-Hey, Rick, knock it off! He's a respected scientist and he makes learning cool!"
"Oh my God, if I knew you were such a
fanboy, I would've done this
without you! Well, too late for that now I guess." *swigs flask*
"Y-Y-You're just jealous because he's smart
and popular!"
"He's a
hack, Morty! Just 'cuz he can spout off the frequency of total sol–UURP–ar eclipses as though the whole world can afford to haul its collective ass to the South Pacific in two years, he thinks he knows everything
ever!"
"Oh yeah, Rick, you've
never pulled
that one!"
"Yeah, but the difference is, I actually
do know everything! Like—like—like do you think a self-respecting scientist would hire [BEEP]ing
demon hunters to stop a witch from taking over the world with hellspawn?!"
"I dunno, that actually sounds like a–like a pretty logical solution to stop a demon..."
"You don't
understand, Morty!
Roll II Rule is like a sponge! A sponge soaking up the collective excretion of every half-wit's masturbatory fantasy! Yeah, the demon hunters might kill
one demon, but their very
existence just reinforces the concept of demons in the first place! It just entrenches the whole fantasy paradigm! D-Do you understand, Morty? It's a
disease! It's a recursive function whose only outcome is to turn this whole universe into a steaming pile of [REDACTED]!"
"Oh man..."
"Yeah, not so proud of Neil DarthReus Tyson
now, are you, Morty?"
Approximately eighteen minutes of adventure later...
1: "OH GOD!! OH JEEZ!! HOW ARE WE STILL ALIVE?!"
"Not gonna lie: that
could've gone better." *swigs flask*
"OH MY GOD RICK!! W-W-WE BROUGHT BACK ISIS!! NEIL DARTHREUS TYSON GOT RID OF THEM AND WE BROUGHT THEM BACK AND NOW THEY'RE EVEN
STRONGER!!!"
"I think you're missing the bigger picture here, Morty! I mean sure, we
may have inadvertently re-distorted the timeline, thereby bringing back a faction of murderous irredeemable zealots that will only frustrate players' ambitions in the Middle East..."
"...
BUT?!"
"Hey, at lea–UURP–st we stopped Neil DarthReus Tyson from 'accidentally' shooting his rationwank in the [BEEP]ing face by dragging
even more demons into this train wreck!"
"Y-Y-You know what, Grampa Rick? I think you did this on purpose! I think you
brought ISIS back just to screw with Neil DarthReus Tyson!"
"Hey, I won't deny it, but I also know you can't
prove it. WUBBA-LUBBA-DUB-DUUUUUUUB!!"
Action One: I mail a cookie to Corsica, in order to show Jeanne that there are people in the world who love her and please don't go around killing everyone :3
Action Two: I bide my time waiting for Yvette to come by looting medical supplies to heal my wounds.
17 (19): When will people learn that Dark is Not Evil? Moved by your generosity (not to mention this strange sweet biscuit), Jeanne states that maybe this whole crusade got off on the wrong foot: her beef is with Majterre, and as long as neighbour powers don't run around summoning hellspawn there shouldn't be any reason to fear. Namibia gains +2 diplomacy with the Heretics' Crusade; Crusade 99% less likely to aggress neutral powers, 98% less likely to deploy the nuclear arsenal.
13: The President's Men have already gotten a head start, but you manage to scrounge up some kits they missed. 15 hitpoints restored.
1. Nationalize all financial institutions – banks, insurance, etc. – to ensure no private interest is making money simply by pushing other peoples’ money around.
2. institute a national gambling system – lotteries, scratchoffs, etc.
3. Incentivize foreign refugees to come to Faxum by eliminating all but the most basic restrictions – disease, criminal record, etc. – on people who come to Faxum to work.
1 (1): Poe's Law proves in full effect as the corporate class reacts in disbelief that it was only ever supposed to be a parody. Furious that you didn't stand up for their interests in the border dispute, Faxum's more-equal-than-others have defied the nationalization call by declaring the secession of the Khartoum Triad, Addis Abeba, and surrounding areas. On the plus side, that's one less faction to worry about internally. (-30% wealth taxable, -25% support for Capitalists, Schrödinger's Market skews 20% Socialist.)
14 (11): It seems a tad disingenuous to replace a deregulated money-laundering scheme with a regulated one, but hey, you aren't gonna argue with the results. +2% wealth taxable through devious government buy-back.
9: Unfortunately you aren't gonna attract a lot of newcomers when the country is on the verge of civil war.
The Cult itself shall gather the following Reagents: A disco-ball, idiotic designs for planes, DARK and EDGY mech anime, vaguely fascist iconography, works of fiction with O'Neil Cylinders, a heap-load of Zaku II models, and a image of Gihren.
The prophet shall commence THE RITUAL after the cult gathers such reagents. A RITUAL THAT'LL **** YURI UP! ONE WHICH WILL CAUSE APPROPRIATE CHAOS! ONE WHICH TAKES THE FUTURE TO THE PAST! SUMMON THE PRINCIPALITY OF ZEON! SIEG ZEON!
20 (+1 [Know the Mods, Know Thyself] =
20): IT WAS ALL JUST LYING AROUND IN A GUY'S BASEMENT
8 (+1 [Know the Mods, Know Thyself] =
9): Hmmm... Maybe they're already contracted out to another alternate reality?
Bombard the living snot out of Yuri's forces trying to steal my hardware!
11: The TIE squads deploy from the
Revengeance to return fire.
increase how many actions I have
9: ayy, not bad, staggering it out so you're only repeating the same action every
other turn. Now if only you could think up a worthwhile
justification,
maybe you'd be getting somewhere.
Personal Action: Move to the frontlines.
Actual Action: Using all available methods of distribution, we need to get this message out to the people of the Western US. . .
19: Taking the better part of the San Fran garrison with you, you embark on a 'sightseeing tour' of the Rockies, complemented by copious reserves of blue paint.
8 (8): Unfortunately the little lords are wise to your plan and drown out the message with racist appropriations of popular memes and 'alternative facts' about Calicommienazism.
News on the Masr
Rome Supports Jeanne
The vanguard army of the French resistance arrived in Rome, where Jeanne petitioned for official Church sanction of her crusade. While Pope Francis's response sympathized with many of the greater principles of the mission, specifically the struggle against evil and its harbingers of diffidence and suffering, his address stopped short of an official Vatican endorsement of the military campaign, nor did it indict Esther Solomon's empire by name. This did not deter Italian volunteers from mobilizing under the French banner, and an auxiliary brigade now accompanies the army as it continues the march south.
Faxumite Imperialists Surrender to Masr
Unable to prop up its colonial overexpansion, the so-called Faxumite Empire has surrendered and abandoned its illegal occupation of the Halaib–Nasser frontier. While Djibouti's eleventh-hour wisdom has saved its misguided citizens from an unwinnable war against us, it has failed to placate the rabid militarists that now seek to rend the country asunder from within. What a shame that Faxum's supposed ally Majterre is embroiled in the aftermath of similar overreach, and will be unable to lend assistance.
Europe Lies in Spain: Falbour
In a letter delivered by Arnold Falbour, Assistant to the Foreign Secretary, to Martin Schulz early this morning, the British government pledged to aid the transient European Federation in reestablishing a headquarters in Spain. The official memo reads as follows:
His Majesty's government view with favour the establishment in Spain of a national headquarters for the European Project, and will use their best endeavours to facilitate the achievement of this object, it being clearly understood that nothing shall be done which may prejudice the civil and religious rights of existing non-European communities in Spain, or the rights and political status enjoyed by Europeans in any other country.
The Spanish government could not be reached for comment.
Greece Blockades Crete
Seeking to prevent the Cretan catastrophe from further spiralling out of control, Athens has announced it is enacting a military quarantine of the island in what may prelude direct intervention against the draconic menace. The Greek fleet has been ordered to establish a perimeter to block movement into or out of the island that has not received government sanction. Aside from the predicted whingeing by the Majterran imperialists, international response has yet to solidify, although Cairo has voiced interest in contributing to the containment action.
Majterre loses 10% wealth taxable while the blockade is in place.
VOLKSREICH EVENT: Rouse the Wolf
Despite its considerable political and military influence, the Volksreich has thus far remained noticeably silent over recent events. With the European situation deteriorating on several fronts, government ministers are pressing for a concrete foreign policy, lest Germania lose her voice in the continent's future. The question is, which faction deserves the most focus?
Anglo-Saxon Ties: Despite the many historical differences between Britain and Germany, the government in London seems dedicated to continental stability—not to mention it may be the only viable vector to check Majterre's increasingly lunatic behaviour. Gain policy
British Outreach: +3 diplomacy and +1 trade with Great Britain.
The French Connection: After centuries of rivalry, Franco–German relations seemed to be trending upwards, but if common cause cannot be found in Paris the continent will almost certainly plunge into catastrophe. The question, however, is whether endorsing the current régime will avert disaster, or merely embolden its brinkmanship. Choose either policy
Support Esther (+3 diplomacy, +2 trade with Majterre; -4 diplomacy with Heretics' Crusade) OR
Support Jeanne (+3 diplomacy with, +2 military aid to Heretics' Crusade; -3 diplomacy with Majterre).
Northern Lights: Stockholm has only refrained from escalating the Sámi dispute because Köln hasn't taken a side—but unless you start flexing soon, the feuding parties will likely come to blows anyway. Gain policy
Northern Brokerage: +2 diplomacy each with South Sweden, Norrland-Sápmi, and the Northern Sámi Federation.
Balkan Intervention: As the Cretan fumble drags on, anti-Majterran sentiment and the inevitable Parisian counterposturing seem determined to provoke an all-out war. Though Esther is proving far too headstrong to sway with anything less than brute force, you're confident the other countries are still willing to listen to words. Gain policy
Balkan Outreach: +2 diplomacy each with Greece, Bulgaria and Istanbul.
Undisturbed Realpolitik: Maintain an impartial approach to European diplomacy. No effect.
Coalition Nears Breakthrough in USA
The battle for Toronto appears to be shifting decisively in the coalition's favour, as allied forces report the American occupiers are retreating toward the city centre. Likewise, reinforcements have beaten back the Buffalo counterattack and may soon be poised to launch a flanking manoeuvre into the peninsula. While the garrison has held out thus far, the supply corridor is in danger of being pinched off, and the USA may be forced to abandon the city or risk strategic encirclement. Meanwhile, the Washington garrison still cannot dislodge Namibian forces from the city outskirts, while desperate attacks against the western rebels have only served to pile on government casualties. But as the army finally recovers from the Californian disinformation campaign, observers predict the fighting will only worsen from here on out.
While the anti-Washington coalition has seen nothing but success this cycle, the situation within the USA is rapidly approaching catastrophe as reports filtre in that desperate partisans have attacked a refugee convoy southwest of Columbus, killing the fleeing civilians and looting their supplies. Despite air superiority in the region, Namibian troops have thus far refrained from intervening over risk of collateral damage—the Redcaps seem to be using the convoy as a shield to ward off the enemy as they regain their strength.
NAMIBIAN EVENT: Red and Black
There's a poetic irony that a revolution undertaken to keep Namibia out of Greek-level debt is now foundering in a crisis of its own. Even with foreign sponsorship, the treasury continues to bleed out with no end in sight, and if drastic action isn't taken soon the entire economy may implode before the war is over. Fortunately, you're exactly the sort of person to take drastic action.
Pillage and Burn: All's fair in love and war, so why not reap the spoils? Old-fashioned sacking will net direct revenue from lands and cities occupied, but will inevitably piss off the locals and undermine your popularity come a postwar settlement. Gain policy
Plunder Economy: Earn direct revenue from occupying USA territory but at reduced Wealth Taxable; Stability penalty in occupied cities and penalty to postwar settlement based on total damage.
Fire Sale: Pulling a page out of Cauşescu's playbook, you engage in the wholesale selloff of state assets to balance the ledger. This will keep parity with foreign exchange rates, but devastate your standing at home. Treasury set to $0, -75% wealth taxable, -50% approval; -3 stability and -5 happiness for 20 turns.
Decentralize Currency: State-arbitrated monetary policy is a relic of the capitalist system, and must be abolished! Legalizing local currencies will encourage grassroots wealth creation and municipal exchange, at the cost of direct taxation and isolation from international markets. Treasury set to $0; gain policy
Decentralized Currency: +3 economic robustness, -5 foreign trade, -15% state revenue; -95% wealth taxable, -3 economic and industrial development, and People's Bank suspended for 30 turns as the new paradigm takes shape.
Hack the Banks: Memory of the Royal Slush Fund is still fresh on your mind, and even
when if you kill President Christos, his underlings will likely embezzle his golden parachute—far better
you get a head-start on the dispensation of executive bonuses. By partnering with Californian hackers, you can siphon his hoard right out from under his nose. Gain policy
Robin Hood Trust: 1–5% of christos200's money is diverted to the treasury each turn, -6 spy defence v. California while this policy remains in effect, free action to cancel.
Tolni must approve for this policy to take effect (free action).
Bankruptcy is Fake News: Continue to ride out the situation. No effect.
Yuri Invades the Congo!
Shortly after brainwashing the southern rebel faction to his nefarious cause, Yuri instructed Kolwezi to attack the CivCube-Congo. Fighting has broken out at the border, and the provisional capital of Mbuji-Mayi may soon be threatened. Although the rebel force is small and unlikely to withstand a determined government counterattack, the Psi Corps may be hoping the other splinter factions will seize the opportunity to press their own ambitions and draw state forces thin.
In the South Pacific, meanwhile, the liberation of Sydney is indefinitely postponed after over-eager biker thugs proved ill-matched against fortified regular troops. With word that Canberra itself is now plagued by internal discord over botched security policy, observers fear Yuri will commence a dedicated counterassault, especially since his bid to kidnap NinjaCow64 fell through.
European Weather Returns to Normal
European farmers rejoice as the disastrous weather brought on by the devious Majterran imperatrix has finally dispelled. Let us hope the witch refrains from such careless abuse of dark forces, lest the world be plunged into further calamity.
Ren to Stage Concert
Defying mounting criticism that the Empire of Ài has fully given over to laissez-faire management, Empress Ren has announced an open-air concert to be held in downtown Qingdao later this week. Admission is free, and the pop idol has extended a special invitation to the Shen Yun members "loitering about" the city.
Empire of Ài is now an NPC.
Hoxha Silent on Global Issues
In an unusual deviation from form, Enver Hoxha has made no bold proclamation or ritual denouncement of revisionist conspiracy. This has caused much concern amongst experts that have tracked the Albanian dictator's behaviour and fostered rumours that he must be planning something big. Of course, it might all be a clever ruse to lull foreign spies into a false sense of insecurity...
Notes from the GM
September was a bad month even by my standards, and this really should not have taken as long as it did. To make matters worse, next weekend might be a tad busy as well, so I'm calling next update for
Sunday the 15th. While I'm not angry with anyone
specifically, I'm getting a little frustrated with sporadic orders, so get yours in
before time or expect punitive events next round.
