Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[mythmonster2]

Man those are some lousy rolls. Fine, I don't need no Covies. Fix myself up with whatever's around me.

 

[landlubber]

I telepathically take control of civplayah.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I look for something in the UNSC Ships that can heal me.

10 (11): You patch a Band-Aid® onto some loose 4 hitpoints.

Target: CivGeneral...
Location: Inside a cave...
Ordinance: Railgun Bunkerbuster projectile...
Calculating trajectory...
Fire!

3 (7): The shot falls short.

The Covies give KFC his daily dose of plasma.

7: He seems to be out of range.

I show the shrimp how happy and smart my chimps are, and talk more about the wonders of civilization, assuming he is not civilized.

17: The Jumbo Shrimp decides to enrol. But first he has some landlubber to kick.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1: The Jumbo Shrimp latches onto landlubber's face for an embarrassing 17 damage.

Fix myself up with whatever's around me.

19: Whaddaya know: Do-It-Yourself weapon extraction kit. You manage to restore 50 hitpoints as well.

I telepathically take control of civplayah.

3: The Jumbo Shrimp feeds off your brainwaves, weakening you to the tune of -10 hitpoints.

 

[Seon]

I call the assistence of a sexy, blonde, jumpsuit wearing, ponytailed assasin to take out civgeneral.

 

[Double A]

The Seraphs do a strafing fun

 

[civplayah]

I go back to my former (and flattened) native homeland and enlist some natives in my army.

 

[choxorn]

Awesome.

Weapon: Magnetic Accelerator Cannon
Target: bestrfcplayer
Destruction of Target: Imminent

 

[!!!!!]

i run over woodland man with my back hoe and take all of his stuff (super corn)

 

[GenMarshall]

What the duce?! Rebecca, Bill, and I find something to defend ourselves against Seon's attacks.

 

[mythmonster2]

I attempt to track KFC. (Didn't think I'd forgotten you, mate?)

 

[landlubber]

I make seafood... if you know what I mean.

 

[Abaddon]

I steal a candy

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I call the assistence of a sexy, blonde, jumpsuit wearing, ponytailed assasin to take out civgeneral.

16: The hit-woman is on target.

The Seraphs do a strafing fun

4: Stingers take 'em out.

I go back to my former (and flattened) native homeland and enlist some natives in my army.

9: They've all fled the area.

Weapon: Magnetic Accelerator Cannon
Target: bestrfcplayer
Destruction of Target: Imminent

4 (5): You feel a magnetic resonance embrace your belt buckle.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (12): You deactivate the cannon.

i run over woodland man with my back hoe and take all of his stuff (super corn)

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!
ROLL TO DODGE!
18: You avoid the GIANT SPIDER while doing some... creative manoeuvres with a digging instrument.

What the duce?! Rebecca, Bill, and I find something to defend ourselves against Seon's attacks.

15: You seal the cave.

I attempt to track KFC. (Didn't think I'd forgotten you, mate?)

10: You have no leads.

I make seafood... if you know what I mean.

20: You devour the Giant Shrimp, regaining 100 hitpoints.

I steal a candy

2: The baby breaks your nose for -18 hitpoints and ongoing -2 hp while it bleeds.

 

[choxorn]

I place all metal objects that I have farther away from the cannon, then order it to attack bestrfcplayer again.

 

[civplayah]

THAT'S IT! We all charge after landlubber.

 

[Seon]

Me and my drunk buddy journey to the Black Mesa Research Facility using anti gravity harnesses to fly.

Meanwhile the hit-woman will make sure CivGeneral is trapped forever in the cave. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

@CivG: sorry, but I have a reputation as a cutthroat to preserve

 

[!!!!!]

what is combo breaker?

i change my clinic into a medical school for animals

 

[Double A]

Uh-huh. Stingers take out advanced space fighters.

Could you be at least a little more realistic with my epic fails?

You know what? KFC DIES.

 

[landlubber]

Me and my aquatic friends get back to our boat.

 

[mythmonster2]

Well, since I'm lost in Ukraine, might as well do something here. TRAINING MONTAGE!