Should I assume she doesn't like me and just move on?

[Valka D'Ur]

Well her response, after I asked her out to coffee was that she studies in the coffee shop often and I'm welcome to drop by, which I take as a rejection.

If she were totally rejecting you, should would not have given you information on where she can be found, nor said that you'd be welcome to drop by.

It's a lukewarm invitation at best, that adds up to "maybe."

So my suggestion would be to take her up on the invitation once, and see how it goes. If it goes well, great.

If not, it's definitely time to move on.

 

[JollyRoger]

I moved on and 25 years later, she wants me.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

Is this really still going on? This has got to be some epic troll or something.

 

[CavLancer]

After all this time may I suggest some shock treatments to revive the whatever and get it flowing again? Perhaps ask her if she would like a nice gift of some quality depends and some savory chocolate ensure? Holy moly when I last responded to this thread I was still young. Okay well youngish.

 

[CavLancer]

Ninety years old you are sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons. A elderly lady wanders up and sits on the other end of the bench and says "Can I share your pigeons, sonny?" You get talking about your lives and you really get along great. The more you talk the more you realize you share some common experiences, movies you liked, politics, food, music, activities, even a couple schools. After a while you realize who she is, this is t h e girl you should have asked out so many decades ago! You get along great! Could you? Should you? Why the hell not? "Young lady, would you do me the pleasure of having dinner out with me?" You wait for a response. Finally you look over and there she is laying on the ground. After a fine and full life she has gone to meet her maker. You realize you have waited too long.

You call the police on your cell phone and wait for them to arrive. Watching the pigeons search for food you look into your little sack and discover its empty. Some are flying off and you don't want to be alone. You spot her sack and look inside, its still full. Ninety years old you sit on a park bench feeding the pigeons, and wonder what might have been.

In my last post you guys were 90 years old!

 

[BvBPL]

So I guess the game is not over yet...

"Welcome to stop by" isn't a rejection of a date, because you never asked her out. You asked her out to coffee. Coffee is fine if you don't know the other person and want to feel them out before asking them out on a date. The two of you already know each other; you're long past that stage. Asking her out should mean asking her to something that will unambiguously end in a kiss. So, dinner for the two of you, a movie for the two of you, a drink, seven minutes in Heaven, something like that.

The sort of middling, dancing around each other relationship you currently have with her isn't what you want with her. So stop pursuing it. Cowboy up and ask her on a date where you can get close to her, where you can run your hand up her check, tell her how beautiful she is, and then lay a big, sloppy one on her.

You want to know how her hand feels in yours. You want to know what her tongue feels like dancing against yours. You want to know if she presses against you when you have your hand on the small of her back. You want to know where on her neck she likes to be kissed, what her nipples feel like with your hand over her shirt, what makes her moan. Coffee doesn't do that. As long as you keeping piddling around with this JV coffee crap you are going to be continually frustrated.

If you aren't putting her in a position where she can consider the possibility of pressing her lips against yours at the end of the night then you are not asking her out.

If you are not asking her out then you are lying to her. You are allowing her to believe that the current relationship the two of you have is acceptable to you. It obviously is not. By not asking her out and instead hiding your romantic intentions, you are being highly disrespectful of her. The longer this goes on, the more of a shock it will be to her when the ball finally drops and you confess your long-standing attraction to her.

Be a man. Ask her the fudge out.

 

[Farm Boy]

Yer nards need some callouses on them. Go get them stepped on and get it over with. It's really been more than long enough. What are you waiting for? Nice guys do start doing better in this game post 30 and 40, but that's largely because they eventually realize that when you don't do anything nothing happens except running out the clock.

Perspective question time: do you think that learning to deal with rejection is a skill that becomes obsolete with marriage? The fear of being rejected is so much worse than actually being so. Being rejected is clean. The fear of being rejected festers. Maybe you're scared you'll come off as a creep or something? I always was. Asking people out on dates isn't creepy. It's normal. Generally flattering, even if not of reciprocal interest.

 

[Daw]

Be a man.

Yeah!


Link to video.

 

[longtimelurker0]

"Welcome to stop by" isn't a rejection of a date, because you never asked her out. You asked her out to coffee. Coffee is fine if you don't know the other person and want to feel them out before asking them out on a date. The two of you already know each other; you're long past that stage. Asking her out should mean asking her to something that will unambiguously end in a kiss. So, dinner for the two of you, a movie for the two of you, a drink, seven minutes in Heaven, something like that.

The sort of middling, dancing around each other relationship you currently have with her isn't what you want with her. So stop pursuing it. Cowboy up and ask her on a date where you can get close to her, where you can run your hand up her check, tell her how beautiful she is, and then lay a big, sloppy one on her.

You want to know how her hand feels in yours. You want to know what her tongue feels like dancing against yours. You want to know if she presses against you when you have your hand on the small of her back. You want to know where on her neck she likes to be kissed, what her nipples feel like with your hand over her shirt, what makes her moan. Coffee doesn't do that. As long as you keeping piddling around with this JV coffee crap you are going to be continually frustrated.

If you aren't putting her in a position where she can consider the possibility of pressing her lips against yours at the end of the night then you are not asking her out.

If you are not asking her out then you are lying to her. You are allowing her to believe that the current relationship the two of you have is acceptable to you. It obviously is not. By not asking her out and instead hiding your romantic intentions, you are being highly disrespectful of her. The longer this goes on, the more of a shock it will be to her when the ball finally drops and you confess your long-standing attraction to her.

Be a man. Ask her the fudge out.

We met a year ago, but if it isn't clear yet, we barely see each other after the first few meetings, and the few times she sees me, she is either really awkward around me or glances at me without saying anything and walking away. We really cannot be considered friends because barely even run into each other in the past several months. We're pretty much acquaintances at this point.

Taking out all romantic context, would YOU ask a platonic acquaintance who you see only very infrequently talk to to do something together? Idk about you, but it would feel pretty odd for me to ask someone I wasn't friends with to one day walk up to him and ask him to hang out. If a girl got asked out for coffee by an acquaintance she sees quite infrequently and is awkward around, I'm fairly certain it's a pretty clear signal of romantic interest because most people would not ask a platonic acquaintance to do something together for fun.

If we really are good friends before this, see each other and talk to each other a lot, then I can see how asking her out for coffee is nothing out of ordinary, and would conceal any romantic interests. But that simply does not describe the situation here.

 

[BvBPL]

"Do you want to see a movie? Just the two of us?"

The problem with coffee is that, in your case, she's offering to let you into her space, rather than the two of you sharing an intimate space together. ( because she's inviting you into her study space) That and coffee is so informal that it isn't clear that it is a date.

You need to be in a position where the two of you expect to kiss. She deserves to know that might be on the table. That's necessary to move from being acquaintances to dating. Dating in college can be a lot less formal than after college, but in this case I think it would behoove you to set it up as a date for a variety of reasons

If you think you can put the moves in her after after coffee, or at least her out afterwards, then go for it. But you need to step it up from just sharing a friendly chat (which is what think of when I think coffee).

Also, if you do ask her out and she turns you down, feel free to ask if she has any friends with whim she thinks you might be a good match. You have some level if friendship already so she may well have some girlfriends that might be interested in you even if she isn't. She will probably be delighted to set her friends up with you.

You can say "instead of coffee, want to see a movie?" You can also use coffee as a way to feel out the situation (no double entendre intended) and then ask her out to a movie. But whatever you do, you need to send her some signal that you are interested in her romantically.''

Finally, you should know that it is a lot easier to ask a woman you don't know out than it is to ask someone you do know out. I know that seems counterintuitive, but it is actually the case. By asking someone you do not know out, you don't risk any awkward situation as to threatening an existing friendship and you get the pleasure of finding out about someone you do not know. Plus, if they turn you down then all you lose is the time you took to ask them, rather than all the research you seem to have done for this woman.

 

[Hygro]

Welcome to drop by... is rejection?

Yeah... unless...

Or maybe she is hinting that she wants you to step up and make the plans?

...this. This means actually stepping up. Get turnt and go. Women don't mind if you're new to being cool or confident, but they sure as hell don't want it to be a fluke when you manned up that one time.

I think longtimelurker is correct to read this as a rejection. I prescribe macking on strangers at parties/bars/etc until comfortable with asking out people whose rejections count.

 

[Farm Boy]

I prescribe macking on strangers at parties/bars/etc until comfortable with asking out people whose rejections count.

I will attest to the efficacy of this stratagem. After getting your attention shot down at parties with dancing enough I realized I didn't actually care unduly much about the disappointment after a while. I also had to come to terms with the reality that yes, unbelievable as it seemed, sometimes people did want to dance with me(or dry hump, or whatever qualified for dancing at some of those parties). That was usually fun. It also teaches you to take what is for what it is. Ie: dancing is fun, but it doesn't mean you're going to get anything other than dancing. Honestly, I think a lot of the learning process is actually learning how to function with both your brain and sex drive on at the same time rather than one shutting down the other.

 

[Hygro]

Honestly, I think a lot of the learning process is actually learning how to function with both your brain and sex drive on at the same time rather than one shutting down the other.

This is something I need to heed. I was at some cutty speakeasy night last sat, very dude-heavy mix of nerds, scenesters, gangsters and players. Girls be throwing me signals! They look over, see you looking back, they look away and dance up toward me throwing glances. They bumping into me for no reason. Girls rarely bump into dudes they don't want to touch. They rarely make eye contact but you can counter-lure them with body language, they're more perceptive about it.

Do I act on it? Haha hell no. I wish.

 

[Narz]

Even when super depressed if I meet a hot chick I try to force myself to say something to her, even if the conversation goes nowhere, even if its awkward. I went from doing this about 1% of the time to about 50% of the time. And if a girl approaches me I force myself to engage even when I'm feeling insecure. My main hurdle is to overcome my self-view as an underachiever, well that and my undercurrent of sadness that flows underneath my front of socialness & humor.

If you have a gym membership or access to a sauna I've had decent luck talking to women in the sauna. You also get to see them in a bikini before you invest too much effort.

 

[Farm Boy]

This is something I need to heed. I was at some cutty speakeasy night last sat, very dude-heavy mix of nerds, scenesters, gangsters and players. Girls be throwing me signals! They look over, see you looking back, they look away and dance up toward me throwing glances. They bumping into me for no reason. Girls rarely bump into dudes they don't want to touch. They rarely make eye contact but you can counter-lure them with body language, they're more perceptive about it.

I could only pull that off while significantly intoxicated.

 

[warpus]

Here's an update guys:

So for the past almost 3 months, I only ran into her 3 times total.

and in fact it weakened to the point where I was periodically shifting between sorting of liking her and another friend. For both girls, the feelings were fairly light, and went back and forth from one girl to another.

All of this is in your head, dude. You're not interacting with these girls much at all, and yet you go between "liking her and another girl"? Who I'm guessing you don't interact much at all either? That doesn't make much sense.

No offense, but interact with these girls are a bit more often and base your feelings on that - not on what is going on in your head when you hardly interact with them at all.

You've been given a green light to hang out with her. Take it or leave it, and definitely stop having these battles of "feelings" in your head. Those would mean something if you were spending enough time with either of these girls - but 3 chance encounters in 3 months? That's nothing!

I think that you going back and forth about this in your head and sorting out your feelings is all going to happen while the girl or both girls go on with their lives and eventually probably move on, while you remain sitting there, wondering who you like more.

You have a green light, go take advantage of it and spend some time with a girl that you like! Or don't and forget about it and move on with your life. You won't really know how you feel about her unless you spend some time with her. It's not the feelings in your head about her that matter, but rather the feelings you are going to feel after spending decent amounts of time with her. If the chemistry is good, you will feel it. And so might she. None of the feelings flying around in your head right now matter, aside from motivating you to try to do something about that initial interest.

I also think that a movie is a horrible idea for a first date. It doesn't give you any chance to talk to eachother and develop chemistry.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

I suggest you resign yourself to dying a virgin.

 

[JollyRoger]

And then getting in a 73-way.

 

[BvBPL]

I also think that a movie is a horrible idea for a first date. It doesn't give you any chance to talk to eachother and develop chemistry.

By itself, a movie isn't the best first date idea, for sure. However, I don't think it is a horrible one either.

I think for longtimelurker, the movie has some advantages. For one, going to a movie makes it clear that you want to date the woman. Not just hang out and chill together, but that you are interested in her romantically. Asking her out to dinner or a show together isn't as romantically loaded as asking her out to a movie.

The not being able to talk to a person concern, while generally valid, may be less applicable in the instant case because LTL already knows her a bit and she knows him a bit. Going to the movie gives them a shared experience that they can talk about together.

A pretty good way to save the movie from the doldrums of first dates is to play a little switch up and go to a movie followed by dinner (or drinks). Dinner, by itself, as the opposite problem of a movie, that you might not have anything to talk about. Switching it up gives you the chance to share something together and then talk about.

 

[Hygro]

For one, going to a movie makes it clear that you want to date the woman.

I distinctly remember talking to college women confused, thinking they were seeing a movie as friends only to find the guy thought it was a date.