Classic defense mechanism. I'm sure you're averagely normal, and the whole "morally bankrupt" schtick is just romanticism. You were a dork who got picked on, and so you retreated into a video game persona.
Video game persona? Huh? Who the hell retreats into a video game persona other then some kindergarten level kids who dont know any better?
This part is probably true, although by "emotionally crippled", you probably think that you are "cold" or somesuch other nonsense. The truth is just that you have problems connecting to people because you're just an average dork who isn't particularly interesting.
Look I could tell you x number of stories how I was boring my ass off on funerals or making jokes when people died. I dont have trouble connecting with people, I'm pretty well liked wherever I go.
You only "don't care what other people think" only insofar as its expedient for your self-image. You seem really quite fragile. The "cold apathetic self-sufficient loner" idea you have of yourself is just a way of avoiding the reality: you're a dorky kid who sorely needs friends, yet is too awkward to get them, so you retreat behind a persona that makes your situation seem cool rather than what it in fact is: pathetic.
I have plenty of friends. Several close ones, one
true friend and countless expendable friends. Some of their opinions weigh heavier then others, but in global I dont really care what the average Cajko McCajkic thinks of me.
That's exactly what a defense mechanism IS. You got made fun of your whole life, and so instead you crafted this idea in your head that the reason you got made fun of isn't because you're a dorky loner, but rather because you're some cold apathetic badass who doesn't care what other people think and who lives to serve himself. YAWN.
No...I got made fun because I
was a dorky loner. The whole apathetic viewpoint on life came onto show later. Looking back I'm glad that I went through the whole ordeal. People fling insults and I just laugh 'em off now.
Oh I'm not faulting you for the music you listen to, I'm just saying its partly the source of the fake self-image you've crafted for yourself. Some dorks listen to emo music and adopt a "the world doesn't understand me" approach. Other dorks read fantasy novels and pop sci books and adopt a "I'm too logical for normal people!" approach. Other dorks become hippies who decide that they "don't need to adopt societies standards of success". You're the type of dork who gets into metal, guns, warfare, etc. and then suddenly decides he's too much of a cold apathetic badass for people. It's all just different forms of the same pathetic phenomenon. I don't expect you to see this, since you're far too deep into your own fantasy, but maybe my posts will help some other kid who is just starting on that path turn around before its too late and he turns into an ultimo dork like yourself.
Yes, I am into rock/metal, guns, politics and warfare. It gets my groove on, helps me unwind. Though you really seem intent on labeling me a dork. The US culture is hilarious at times with it's packaging of people.
I'm sure your methodology was just garbage. In particular, when all you have is introspection, you'll never be able to distinguish between whether your analysis is of who you are, or who you wish you were. You need sex pigs like myself to explain it to you.
No real argument here, just self glorification.
That positively SCREAMS fake deluded self-image. You can't possible be serious. That's not a serious analysis of yourself, thats you explaining your faults in a cool and romantic way because you don't want to face the reality that you're just a rather sad, dorky dude.
Oh but I am, despite your stapling me with the term dork I found it works well for me. I put it into a funny philosophical view for the amusement of my own twisted mind. Maybe I am slightly deluded regarding this whole state of mind idea, but it amuses me and it works.
edit: Oh and could you please answer this question for me? We were debating which of these was more pathetic, and it made us wonder which one of these most aptly describes you: were you using the word "droog" and such just because you like the language in A Clockwork Orange, or do you actually think of yourself as rather like the main character (Alex Whatshisname)?
I find the language in all forms interesting, and nadsat actually hits quite close to home, since it incorporates slavic words into English and personally I find the resulting mix extremely delightful. Though I surmise you'd have to be from the Balkans/Eastern Europe to appreciate it.
I dont think myself as Alex, dear Lord no, I dont get my groove on from beating up people, theft, vandalism or rape. That's just primitive, if I wanted that I'd go join up with a football fan club. I like to play with people in other, more subtle ways.
Cleric I know that image you make of yourself cant be true because I am actually stuck in that persona, and its not fun or independent or romantic, its just horrible, I feel like someone who every one else can connect to but I cant connect to anyone else and it drives me insane sometimes.
edit:and cleric, if you don't mind me asking, how did the last few weeks of that relationship go before it got broken off.
I know what it's like
o my brother and only friend. People for some reason turn to you and talk to you (I'll be damned if I know why, the superficial charm should be easy to resist), divulge their innermost secrets, how they had an abortion when they were 16, how their father molested them, how their family hates them and they escape it by popping pills, be they antidepressants or speed.
And you suck it all up eagerly like an emotional vampire.
FZZT! You like the taste, so you play along. You use the objective viewpoint and intelligence to counsel them and help them. In the end you seem as a saint and everyone loves you, because hey your a funny likable guy and helped x number of people y times. But you are also thinking of how to turn it up against them should the need ever arise.
As for the relationship, well she was slightly immature, confused about herself and ultimately a bit of emotionally cripple like me. It all went down to a real dramatic showdown at 5 AM in front of her house with rainfall. We decided it would be best to break up for the time being. I went home singing Singing in the Rain. Twas really bizarre when I think of it.
