#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
- Start date
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This is one of my favorites. 
Aptitude Test for Professionals.
There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult.
You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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*
*
*
*
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing
simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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*
*
*
*
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and
close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put
in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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*
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*
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Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one
may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a
professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How
do you cross it?
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*
*
*
*
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are
attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning
ability.
So... If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a
true professional. Wealth and success await you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do
but there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger
flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's
the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not
require any higher mental functions at all, such as management or
politics.
Aptitude Test for Professionals.
There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult.
You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
*
*
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing
simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
*
*
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and
close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put
in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
*
*
*
*
*
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one
may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a
professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How
do you cross it?
*
*
*
*
*
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are
attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning
ability.
So... If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a
true professional. Wealth and success await you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do
but there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger
flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's
the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not
require any higher mental functions at all, such as management or
politics.
Two friends were walking their dogs. One had a Doberman, one had a Chihuahua. They walk past a restaraunt, and the food within smells great.
"Mmm. Let's get something here." says the first friend.
"We can't." says the second, "Look, the sign says 'No Pets'."
"No problem." replies the first friend, "Follow my lead."
The first friend puts on a pair of dark glasses and follows his Doberman into the restaraunt. A waiter comes to stop him.
"Sorry sir, we don't allow pets in here." says the waiter.
"Oh, you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
"A doberman?"
"Yes, they use dobermans. And he protects me as well. Great breed."
"Okay, you can come in."
The first friend takes a table. The second friend puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and follows his dog into the restaraunt.
"We don't allow pets in here." says the waiter.
"Don't worry sir, this is just my seeing eye dog."
"A chihuahua?" asks the waiter.
"A CHIHUAHUA!?! THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!?"
"Mmm. Let's get something here." says the first friend.
"We can't." says the second, "Look, the sign says 'No Pets'."
"No problem." replies the first friend, "Follow my lead."
The first friend puts on a pair of dark glasses and follows his Doberman into the restaraunt. A waiter comes to stop him.
"Sorry sir, we don't allow pets in here." says the waiter.
"Oh, you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog."
"A doberman?"
"Yes, they use dobermans. And he protects me as well. Great breed."
"Okay, you can come in."
The first friend takes a table. The second friend puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and follows his dog into the restaraunt.
"We don't allow pets in here." says the waiter.
"Don't worry sir, this is just my seeing eye dog."
"A chihuahua?" asks the waiter.
"A CHIHUAHUA!?! THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!?"
Veritass
Emperor
What's the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?
You remove your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a baritone sax and a lawn mower?
The lawn mower has less vibrato.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing a unison.
Where is the best place to practice the saxophone?
A: In Saddam Hussein's bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone-player never, but never practices. The risk of learning to play is much too great.
What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
How do you get the lead guitar to play more quietly?
Put sheet music in front of him.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're actually the same size; the violinists heads are bigger.
You remove your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a baritone sax and a lawn mower?
The lawn mower has less vibrato.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing a unison.
Where is the best place to practice the saxophone?
A: In Saddam Hussein's bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone-player never, but never practices. The risk of learning to play is much too great.
What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
How do you get the lead guitar to play more quietly?
Put sheet music in front of him.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're actually the same size; the violinists heads are bigger.
classical_hero
In whom I trust
A man walks into a psychiatric hospital covered in Glad Wrap. The Doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
I invented this, and think it's funny. Flame on if you don't ...
February is the marmalade season. Should you wear orange?
February is the marmalade season. Should you wear orange?
sligo
Warlord
Ok, I read the entire thread... Now it's my turn:
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
----
Did you hear about the two Irishmen who walked passed a bar?
- Like that will ever happen.
----
Three men were passengers on a private jet. A democrat, and independant, and a republican. Suddenly the engines on the plane sputtered and quit. The pilot said to throw off all the luggage in the hopes that the plane would make it through the mountains. After doing so, the plane was still too heavy. "We need to lose another 200 pounds (100k) or so. One of you will have to jump. I can't jump because I must fly the plane."
"So how will we decide who jumps?" Asks the democrat.
The independant answers, "We should answer questions. The first one to get the answer wrong must jump."
The republican agrees with this idea and volunteers to go first.
"Ok," says the pilot, thinking quickly. "Ok. What was the greatest maritime disaster of all time?"
"I'd say it would be the sinking of the Titanic," Answers the republican.
"Very good," says the pilot. To the Independant, he asks, "How many people died?"
The independant thinks a moment then answers, "About 1500, right?"
"That's right," says the pilot. To the democrat, he says, "Ok, name them."
----
- Sligo
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
----
Did you hear about the two Irishmen who walked passed a bar?
- Like that will ever happen.
----
Three men were passengers on a private jet. A democrat, and independant, and a republican. Suddenly the engines on the plane sputtered and quit. The pilot said to throw off all the luggage in the hopes that the plane would make it through the mountains. After doing so, the plane was still too heavy. "We need to lose another 200 pounds (100k) or so. One of you will have to jump. I can't jump because I must fly the plane."
"So how will we decide who jumps?" Asks the democrat.
The independant answers, "We should answer questions. The first one to get the answer wrong must jump."
The republican agrees with this idea and volunteers to go first.
"Ok," says the pilot, thinking quickly. "Ok. What was the greatest maritime disaster of all time?"
"I'd say it would be the sinking of the Titanic," Answers the republican.
"Very good," says the pilot. To the Independant, he asks, "How many people died?"
The independant thinks a moment then answers, "About 1500, right?"
"That's right," says the pilot. To the democrat, he says, "Ok, name them."
----
- Sligo
material.
Swiss Bezerker
Emperor
the punch line for the cannible one and the irish one were the same
The political parties were unnecesary, you could have just done three average Joes and it would have been just as funny
The political parties were unnecesary, you could have just done three average Joes and it would have been just as funny
Nonono, you all aren't getting the cannibal joke. He didn't pass as in "passed by". He passed his brother in the woods, in other words he had a massive bowel movement of the dinner when he ate his brother.
Never heard "passed" used that way before?
Never heard "passed" used that way before?
sligo
Warlord
What did the cannibal say after eating a clown?
-That sure tasted funny
- Sligo
-That sure tasted funny
- Sligo
WildWeazel
Going Dutch
It wouldn't have the same effect. You have to label them in some way. Political parties, nationality, religion, hair color....Swiss Bezerker said:
classical_hero
In whom I trust
You could easily change which one goes first to suit your needs for the joke, so it is an adaptable joke.Swiss Bezerker said:
sligo
Warlord
Weasel Op said:It wouldn't have the same effect. You have to label them in some way. Political parties, nationality, religion, hair color....
Exactly true- I originally heard the joke with a racist angle - one that I don't personally care fore. Poking fun at political parties is probably the safest from a "PC" point of view. You could even put in your favorite colleges.
Ok, my turn for the blondes and genie joke...
The women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were stranded on a desert island. One day, they found a lamp, and upon rubbing it, a genie appeared. This genie offered them each a wish:
Brunette: "I wish to be back home with my family." Poof - she was back home with her family.
Redhead: "I too wish to be back home with my family." Poof - she was back home with her family.
Blonde: "I'm lonely now. I wish my two friends were back here with me."
-----
- Sligo
kingjoshi
King
heard this joke from an Indian. Sorry if I offend any Sikhs. There are jokes on them like Blonde jokes here. Anyway..
Did you hear about the guy at the Sikh high school? He'd been there 15 years but couldn't graduate. But everyone liked him and year after year people would say, "Wouldn't it be nice for him if he could pass?" So the administrators came together and thought of something.
They organized a big event. People from the last 15 years came back to watch his graduation as he would be asked a one question exam. He's on the stage and the principle asks, "What's 2 plus 2?"
The Sikh said, "4".
And the audience exclaimed, "Oh, no!"
------
Another offensive joke. heard from a Mexican as we worked in a Chinese restaurant...
Q - How do Chinese parents name their kids?
A - They drop something.
Did you hear about the guy at the Sikh high school? He'd been there 15 years but couldn't graduate. But everyone liked him and year after year people would say, "Wouldn't it be nice for him if he could pass?" So the administrators came together and thought of something.
They organized a big event. People from the last 15 years came back to watch his graduation as he would be asked a one question exam. He's on the stage and the principle asks, "What's 2 plus 2?"
The Sikh said, "4".
And the audience exclaimed, "Oh, no!"
------
Another offensive joke. heard from a Mexican as we worked in a Chinese restaurant...
Q - How do Chinese parents name their kids?
A - They drop something.
Everyone theres sikhs, they are all "stupid", so they think that 2+2 is something else. and the sikhs student that couldn't graduate is actually smart.
Basically the punchline is that the jokes been inverted.
Or thats my understanding of it.
Basically the punchline is that the jokes been inverted.
Or thats my understanding of it.
kingjoshi
King
Come on. Who expects that? Personally, I also find it funny when people don't get the joke. A lot of Sikhs out there Honestly, who hasn't had a simple joke fly over their head?
Really, metaphorically, we're all Sikhs. There are many things we believe throughout our lives that are just wrong and think others are wrong instead of us regarding certain opinions and beliefs. We're human.
Regarding the second joke, I guess it had more effect for me because my Chinese boss from my previous job, her name was Ping. And someone at another store made the joke so obviuosly it's something others have noticed.
Honestly, who hasn't had a simple joke fly over their head?Really, metaphorically, we're all Sikhs. There are many things we believe throughout our lives that are just wrong and think others are wrong instead of us regarding certain opinions and beliefs. We're human.
Regarding the second joke, I guess it had more effect for me because my Chinese boss from my previous job, her name was Ping. And someone at another store made the joke so obviuosly it's something others have noticed.
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