#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

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gandhi rules said:
Ok i think this joke hasent been written, anyway there was a man, let's call him Harry, he had a dick that was 60 centimetres long, he went to the doctor.
Doctor:Hmm this looks intresting, but i cant do anything, but it is one that can do it smaller.
Harry:Ok, who?
Docktor:A whitch that i call mary can do something about this...

So Harry went to Mary the witch and asked what she could do about it.

Mary:Oh, that was a big one!
Harry: (...)
Mary:but i cant do something aboud it.
Harry:Who, who? But please dont say its a deam frog or something!
Mary:it is!
harry:Whatta ****!
Mary:Yeah it is. It lives in the swamp out there and it have magical power, ask it if you could marry him and he say no an your dick will be ten centimetres shorter.
Harry:Ok thanks!

So harry went to the swamp and finded the frog.
Frog:What will you?
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:No!
And Harrys dick get smaller.
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:NO!!
Harrys dick is 40 centimetres short now
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:How many times shall a say that, no,no,no, and again no
:rotfl: :yeah:
Click to expand...


ok am i the only one who didnt understand that joke?
 
Good, but hard to read!
 
stuge said:
A man eats a big and tasty meal at a restaurant. Just when he has finished, a waitress shows up and asks: "Are you enjoying your meal?"
The man answers: "No, it was awful. I hid it all behind the curtain."

This is a real-life joke. My old man cracked this today when we were in the aforesaid restaurant. My mouth was full at the moment and I nearly choked. It was a bit of a scene but worth it.
Click to expand...
:lol:

Last night, I was at a seafood restaurant. The waiter asked me which dressing I would like on my salad.

"If I skip the dressing," I asked, "Is that considered undressing?"
 
nude salad anyone?
 
True Quasarisms! :D

One time I was in the bookstore with 2 friends. We were in the "Dummies" section; you know, Computers For Dummies, Typing For Dummies, that sort of book. The salesman came over and asked, "May I help you?"

I said, "Yes, do you have Shoplifting For Dummies?"

He said they didn't have it. Apparently somebody got the last copy.

----------------------------
I went to a chiropractor's office with a ladyfriend. While she went in to see the doctor, I noticed an electricity outlet up near the ceiling. A TV obviously had been there, but no more. Bored, I approached the receptionist.

"Excuse me," I said, "But wouldn't you hurt your back trying to plug something into that outlet? Is that how you get your business?"
----------------------------
I went into a supermarket to get some soup. A man came around the corner carrying six-packs of bottled water in both hands.

"Hey!" I said. "Is that the new no-calorie lite bottled water?"

He didn't know.

Anyway, I couldn't find the soup I wanted. When I checked out, the cashier asked me, "Did you find everything okay?"

I said, "No, but I did find a can of 'vegetarian vegetable' soup. I'd like to report that to your department of redundancy department, please."

"Sir," she said, "We don't have a department like that." :rolleyes:
 
I like to mess with waiters and waitresses. Often when they ask me what I want on my baked potato, I'll say "vaseline". Or sometimes I'll say "saltpeter".

One time I had dinner with a group of people, and did my vaseline joke with the waitress. Near the end of the meal, the manager came over to ask if our meal had been satisfactory. My friend Judy pointed to me and piped up, "No, he's upset because he didn't get vaseline on his baked potato!"

The manager look surprised, but then asked me, "Sir, where do you work?"

Since the meal took place in another city, I said, "Atlanta, why?"

"Because," the manager explained, "If I gave you vaseline for your potato, then I'd need to apply where you work!"

Nice catch, that guy. :goodjob:
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A few years back, I went into Wal-Mart with my then-girlfriend, Margarita. I spied a lady with a cartful of toilet paper. I whispered to Margarita, "See, she's high-maintenance." When Margarita asked why, I said, "My mother always told me to watch how much toilet paper a woman uses, because that's how she will spend your money once you're married." (a joke within a joke).

Anyway, Margarita's first language was not English, so she did not know I was joking. :rolleyes: We got up to the check-out counter, and the lady with the shopping cart full of toilet paper was in front of us. Margarita then told the lady, "My boyfriend says you're high maintenance." I turned beet red! :blush:

"What!" the lady hollered out, looking at me sternly. "Why would he think that?!"

So I had to explain the joke to that lady. The check-out cashier was laughing so hard, she could barely complete the sale!
 
A Norwegian Joke: It was to friends that rented a lake for a whole weekend. They inteded to use it for fishing and they payed $2500. All they got was a small trout. In the car on the way home it was a little tense. After 20 miles one of them says to the other: "It was a very expensive trout...", then the other one replies: "It`s was lucky we didn`t get more..." :) :)
 
my fav Mitch Hedberg line is : Banannas and stop lights are totally different. On a stop light green means go, and yell means becareful, on a banana green means hold on, and yellow means go ahead, and red means where the *^&* did you get that banana!
 
This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded" I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."
 
lol nice 1

why did the chicken cross the road?

i dont know..i dont speak chicken
 
Rude one:

Two hobos tried to figure out how they could get free beer. First hobo said: "Hey, now I know! Go buy a long sausage and come back. After that I'll tell what we will do!" Other hobo bought a sausage, and they went to the nearest bar.

Hobos ordered both lots of drinks. When they knew that they would have to pay soon they made their plan come true. First hobo put the sausage between his legs and the other one started to suck it. They got kicked out, but they didn't have to pay. Same worked in the second and the third bar. And the fourth. In the eleventh bar sucking hobo said: "I'm so drunk. I'm tired and I want to got to sleep." First hobo said: "That's okay, I even lost the sausage in the third bar!"

:lol:
 
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?

Because New Jersey got first pick!!

Why are New Yorkers always depressed? The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''
 
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