Will you cohabitate me? Marriage vs cohabitation

[Kennigit]

Since this is spawning/being birthed in another thread, I'm making a new thread.

Discuss the relative merits of marriage and cohabitation. Do you instinctively think newly weds have a closer relationship than a couple who has cohabitated, let's say, 1 year? How long does it take for cohabitation to be considered a strong relationship? Would you be interested in cohabitating before marriage? If you would rather cohabitate for a long time, what would push you to get married (i.e. if you think you don't need to get married to have a good relationship, why would you marry?)?

As for me, I'd definitely want to cohabitate for a long time before marriage. I probably wouldn't ask for marriage unless I intended to have children with that person.

 

[Little Raven]

My wife wouldn't move in with me (among other things) until I married her. So I did, post-haste.

It's worked out pretty well so far. (12 years and two children later) But I'm not going to throw stones at anyone who chose a different path...one of my friends cohabitated for 8 years before getting married quite recently. Things seem to be working out ok for him too.

I suspect the people involved in a given relationship have far more to do with it's success/failure than any legal structure.

 

[warpus]

The only difference that I can see between a married couple and a cohabitational couple is that it's way harder to get out of a marriage.

Thus, it stands to reason, that a couple bound together by marriage would thus feel more compelled to feel "close"... cause if crap ever hit the fan, they'd have a huge mess on their hands.. whereas the cohibitators would face a much smaller version of said crapfest.

My wife wouldn't move in with me (among other things) until I married her. So I did, post-haste.

Man, you musta liked her a lot to put up with that crap!

 

[Defiant47]

One of my primary principles is not to marry anyone until I've lived with them for at least a year (and dated for much longer beforehand).

 

[Formaldehyde]

As my second ex-mother-in-law said: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

I can't even imagine marrying a woman without living with her first. And I can't imagine her not seeing it the same way. Then again, I'm a recidivist.

 

[kosiosko 1]

I got engaged, but never married, with my partner 20 odd years so far, marriage has never arose as an issue, we just see ourself's as a couple, it used to be a given, hence the traditional proposal, but over time all our married friends have separated, so its just a non issue now.

 

[MobBoss]

This has been discussed before. And as in that previous discussion I will bring up that its been proven that couples that cohabitate prior to marriage have a increased chance of getting a divorce.

@warpus. In states with no-fault divorce its not that hard to get a divorce at all...and the same problems in a divorce can also occur living together (kids, property, etc.).

 

[Little Raven]

Man, you musta liked her a lot to put up with that crap!

I did, and the years have proven that she was well worth it.

There were other factors involved, as well. My family would not have approved of a pre-marriage cohabitation, and since I was married at 21, there wouldn't have been a lot of time for it anyway.

But at least here in the US, it's not particularly hard to get out of a marriage...especially if the marriage is young. Unless you have a massive disparity of assets or the like, it's really not that big deal. Children, on the other hand, are the ties that bind. Once they enter the mix, you're NEVER going to get away from your partner. Ever. Whether you're married or not.

 

[Formaldehyde]

I got engaged, but never married, with my partner 20 odd years so far, marriage has never arose as an issue, we just see ourself's as a couple, it used to be a given, hence the traditional proposal, but over time all our married friends have separated, so its just a non issue now.

Unless you are planning to have kids or you are extremely religious, I think it's rather pointless to get married these days. It just makes things a lot messier if you do end up breaking up.

 

[warpus]

@warpus. In states with no-fault divorce its not that hard to get a divorce at all...and the same problems in a divorce can also occur living together (kids, property, etc.).

Yeah, but I'm sure it's more difficult to get out of a marriage than any other type of relationship. (except maybe if it involves a donimatrix)

 

[bathsheba666]

Yeah, but I'm sure it's more difficult to get out of a marriage than any other type of relationship. (except maybe if it involves a donimatrix)

What the hell has one of the Osmonds taking the red pill got to do with the OP?

Bits of paper do not a relationship make, people do.

And people needing bits of paper more than each other is plain strange.

 

[MagisterCultuum]

I am of the opinion that having made the commitment of marriage can certainly help to bring a couple together, as would declaring said commitment to the relationship to friends and family, but that paperwork and legal recognition of it do not really matter.

I got engaged, but never married, with my partner 20 odd years so far, marriage has never arose as an issue, we just see ourself's as a couple, it used to be a given, hence the traditional proposal, but over time all our married friends have separated, so its just a non issue now.

Depending where you live, you may very well be legally married despite never having done the paperwork. Leaving a common law marriage still requires a divorce, and can be even more complicated than leaving a marriage where there was a formal contract. The specifics vary from state to state, but I think generally 10 years of cohabitation after having once expressed the intent to marry and having been recognized by the community as a couple counts as common law marriage in any of the 11 states that still allow it. Some states only banned it recently, but would still recognize you as married if you met the requirements before the ban.

 

[illram]

To me it just seems like common sense to try before you buy. If you can't live with a person you probably shouldn't marry them.

I vaguely remember the statistics Mobby is talking about. Honestly, statistics be damned. Trying it out beforehand just makes more sense to me.

Me personally, I had already been living with my soon to be wife for a year and we knew what team we were trying out for. We passed with flying colors and I think it made us both a lot more confident going into the wedding. There are a lot of unknowns before you get married, and fortunately for us that was not one of them. (We'd also been together for 8 years already).

 

[kosiosko 1]

Depending where you live, you may very well be legally married despite never having done the paperwork. Leaving a common law marriage still requires a divorce, and can be even more complicated than leaving a marriage where there was a formal contract. The specifics vary from state to state, but I think generally 10 years of cohabitation after having once expressed the intent to marry and having been recognized by the community as a couple counts as common law marriage in any of the 11 states that still allow it. Some states only banned it recently, but would still recognize you as married if you met the requirements before the ban.

True we have all the legal rights of married people, in my case we have actaually kept separate our finacail affairs , we both have separate bussiness interest, so no joint accounts, we still have two residences i kept mine as city town house, she kept hers as it was family passed down, we reconise that if we parted, it would only put us in the same postion as "if we had married " if one of us suddenly had a complete change in attitudes, so its still a non issue to us.
Our laws don't treat common law, Civil marriage any differently its changed recently due to reconising gay couples rights but i think its 7 years.
But again the law only becomes involve after a couple has a dispute , fair to me, marriage just needs 1 year apart to be granted divorce , the laws also only become involved when there is a dispute, same with child custody disputes but there is a fed. Family court for this, Common Law marriages don't require a divorce , it just has laws to protect parties if a dispute is brought before it, Mind you i'm in Australia, so our law goes back to english common law, origanally

 

[mangxema]

This has been discussed before. And as in that previous discussion I will bring up that its been proven that couples that cohabitate prior to marriage have a increased chance of getting a divorce.

I believe I remember that and IIRC that was mainly because cohabitating partners tend to get married for stupid (practical) reasons. I think there is a substantial difference between moving in with someone you kinda like 'cause that's the next step or something and moving in with someone you're seriously considering marrying. I would suspect that the latter group would actually fare better than 'normal' and the former would fare substantially worse, averaging out to a slightly higher divorce rate.

 

[sophie]

I'm certainly no expert on this (not by ANY stretch of the imagination), but I agree entirely with what illram said. If you can't stand living together for one year without being married, what makes you think actually getting married will make a difference? This goes especially for the US (and even more especially for California)

 

[MobBoss]

I believe I remember that and IIRC that was mainly because cohabitating partners tend to get married for stupid (practical) reasons.

I dont recall them ever truly explaining it. I remember part of it was a possible feeling of being able to leave the relationship at anytime during cohabitation possibly continuing into the marriage thereby making cutting and running a bit more appealing than it normally would. But I dont think anything definitive was actually pinned down to be honest. It happens, but is largely guessed at as to why it occurs.

 

[Nuka-sama]

Wait, why do dominatrix's complicate things?



All seriousness though, it seems marriage does complicate things. I guess, if you wanted kids then yea, but otherwise?

Only if women felt the same...

 

[Archbob]

Nope, I'd get married before living together. Co-habitation has too much of that lack of committement feel.

 

[mangxema]

I dont recall them ever truly explaining it. I remember part of it was a possible feeling of being able to leave the relationship at anytime during cohabitation possibly continuing into the marriage thereby making cutting and running a bit more appealing than it normally would. But I dont think anything definitive was actually pinned down to be honest. It happens, but is largely guessed at as to why it occurs.

The part I remember is that some people would move in together, and after awhile, they think, 'Well, we already live together, why not get hitched?'

Also, I don't see how cohabiting is 'easy' to break off. I mean, I get your point: a quick switch has a clear before- and after-marriage dividing line... but once you live together breaking up would be a huge pain. Presumably you've already consolidated your stuff, so somebody doesn't have a couch, somebody doesn't have a bed, etc. which gets back to the problem of marrying by convenience. I guess in the grand scheme of things, that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if that's what people truly valued (after all, marriage used to be all about convenience: male as provider, woman as baby-maker) but they don't, and marriages with that disparity not surprisingly fail.