18 Civs; the Aztec Version

[Pacifist46]

560AD​

Guess what?
MONTEZUMA: Guess what?
POPOL: What?
MONTEZUMA: Noooooooooo, you gotta guess.
POPOL: Oh, fine. You captured Macchu Picchu.
MONTEZUMA: Aah! You spoiled the moment! I was going to announce it, all triumphant, and then you just have to go and say it.
POPOL: But, you said . . .
MONTEZUMA: No excuses, Popol. That was bloody rude. As were the Incas.
AXA: Yeah, putting up a fight and killing some of our guys. How inconsiderate.
MONTEZUMA: Anyway, the guys didn’t wanna go, but I don’t give a flying one how many of them got killed, so long as I got a new city and a glass of freshly squeezed blood!
POPOL: The respect you have for our citizens welfare surpasses all.
MONTEZUMA: Anyway, we’re alone again, so we need to find someone else to KILL! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

680AD​

A great scientist is born
MONTEZUMA: About bloody time. Have him build an Academy in New York. It’s going to be our GS Farm.
POPOL: I’m surprised you give . . .
MONTEZUMA: . . . a flying one, yeah, Axa told me the same. But I do. So there.

 

[Pacifist46]

820AD​

The Aztecs are 6th in power
MONTEZUMA: That’s all gotta change when we meet other leaders. Which is close, now that we have Compass, Metal Casting and Calendar, and started Machinery.
POPOL: A great shame Caravels can’t hold military units, I’m sure.
MONTEZUMA: THEY CAN’T? MOTHERFU –
(Montezuma exits, swearing so much that Yuca’s vocabulary doubles)
AXA: Right, a few thoughts from me; Moais would be good in Texcoco, I think, it’s got 13 water tiles.
POPOL: Fair enough.
AXA: And we need to beeline Optics quickly. While REXing over the Americas in the next part. I sure Montezuma won’t disagree . . .
To be continued . . .

 

[Harry Potter52]

Wow, Brilliant posts ma
I love Monty (except when he is playing against me)

 

[Pacifist46]

Part III
920AD​

A city is founded
MONTEZUMA: Funny, I don’t seem to remember you guys asking me where to put Tlaxcala.
POPOL: It must have, ahem, slipped our minds.
MONTEZUMA: Well, don’t forget again. Or I may choose to find out how far I can stretch your arms apart before they come off. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1040AD​

The Spanish will never invade Aztecs
POPOL: It seems the Spanish have been destroyed. By who, we don’t know.
MONTEZUMA: Damn! There goes our potential for irony in this game.
AXA: The Spanish would probably have been heathens, anyway.
MONTEZUMA: Good riddance to below average rubbish.
POPOL: Oh and we, I mean, you founded Calixtlahuaca this turn.
MONTEZUMA: I don’t remember that either, Popol.
POPOL: You must be going senile in your old age, my lord.
MONTEZUMA: At this rate, Popol, you’ll never know what old age feels like.

 

[Pacifist46]

1100AD​

Caravels head east and west
MONTEZUMA: We shall soon find someone else to destroy. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
POPOL: We also have Civil Service, sire.
MONTEZUMA: What does that bloody mean?
POPOL: Not a lot – apart from you can adopt Bureaucracy. I strongly advise – I mean, I don’t think you should, that’s my opinion.
MONTEZUMA: Which means we’re doing it, of course.

 

[Pacifist46]

1160AD​

As the caravel sights Europe, civs start appearing
POPOL: Your first visitor is a lady, my lord.
MONTEZUMA: Easy to crush in battle, hopefully.
(a stranger enters)
STRANGER: Welcome to my palace, Montezuma, I’m Elizabeth, the wise and really quite beautiful leader of mighty England. Let there be peace between us or I’ll kill you.
MONTEZUMA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU! Kill ME! Nice try, but at least you’re blunt and to the point.
ELIZABETH: The only blunt thing around here appears to be your wits, Montezuma, I’d just like to point that out.
MONTEZUMA: And I’d like to gouge your eyes out, but I’ll save that for later. Now bugger off.
ELIZABETH: Such courteous manners will gain you many friends in life, Montezuma. (Elizabeth exits)
MONTEZUMA: Oh, I forgot, we need Open Borders. Popol, bugger off after her will you? And send the next loser in.
(Popol exits, and then a stranger enters)
STRANGER: Welcome! I am Louis XIV, absolute monarch of mighty France and indisputably the handsomest and best-dressed ruler in the entire history of the universe. Wouldn’t you agree?
MONTEZUMA: I would actually! Your clothes are cool!
AXA: I knew it. I knew he’d say that . . .
MONTEZUMA: But I wouldn’t say you’re the most intelligent, fool. Because that’s me.
LOUIS: Ah, but zat is a different kettle of poissons, mon ami. Would you like Open Borders with me?
MONTEZUMA: Oui, d’accord.
LOUIS: You speak French?
MONTEZUMA: Two words of it, anyway. I hear you are a vassal?
LOUIS: Malheureusement. I’ll send my master in in a moment. Au revoir!
(Louis exits, a stranger enters)
STRANGER: Welcome to Rome, Montezuma. Care for some salad? I made it myself.
MONTEZUMA: Yeah, OK. Have you got any blood to go on it?
CAESAR: I bloody well have not. Civilized people do not garnish their food with blood!
MONTEZUMA: Don’t be silly Julius. Anyway, I’m civilized. Watch. “Want thou Open Borders?”
CAESAR: Civilized and posh are different things, you jerk. But Open Borders is cool for now, I suppose.
MONTEZUMA: Corking, old bean. Well, toodle pip!
(Caesar exits)
POPOL: His cities include Madrid, Thebes and Heliopolis. Sound like Caesar’s been doing some warring. Although Louis is his vassal only voluntarily. So, remember, stay within your league, sire.
MONTEZUMA: We’ve been doing warring as well, so I don’t see your point, Popol.
POPOL: Just beyond your grasp, I expect.
YUCA: Caesar strong, but Montezuma stronger.
MONTEZUMA: You took the words right out of my mouth, Yuca.

 

[Pacifist46]

1170AD​

Another stranger arrives
STRANGER: Germany the great and its superior people greet you. I, Frederick, desire peace with all my neighbours – even with your puny culture.
MONTEZUMA: But we’re not your neighbours.
FREDERICK: Gutted like a Fisch. Because now I will extinct you.
MONTEZUMA: Stop verbifying nouns.
FREDERICK: Ha! The irony. Anyway, let’s start businessing. First, Open Borders.
MONTEZUMA: Fair enough. And next?
FREDERICK: I propose this trade

 

[Pacifist46]

MONTEZUMA: Sound as!
FREDERICK: Sound as what?
MONTEZUMA: Erm . . . I dunno, do I? It’s just a figure of speech.
FREDEIRICK: Yeah, whatever. I’m departuring now, so Auf Wiedersehen, und bis bald! Although I didn’t mean that last part.
(Frederick exits)
MONTEZUMA: I speak not German.
POPOL: No, you’re speaking English like you normally do. But hey, now you have Feudalism and Monotheism, you can adopt OR and Serfdom, if you so desire.
MONTEZUMA: I do.

 

[Pacifist46]

1200AD​

Elizabeth crosses the pond again
ELIZABETH: Good day, my second favourite psychopath.
MONTEZUMA: Secon . . .
ELIZABETH: Yes, well, you haven’t met him yet.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, ri . . .
ELIZABETH: Stop interrupting, you pest, I have things to do, and am only stopping quickly to trade Theology to you for Paper.
MONTEZUMA: Wait. I want 30 Gold as well.
ELIZABETH: Greedy bas – I mean, OK then, if you insist.
MONTEZUMA: I do, so there.
(Elizabeth exits, a stranger enters)
MONTEZUMA: Not another one.
STRANGER: Greetings, honourable Montezuma. Let us hope that there will always be peace and friendship between Chinese Empire and Aztec – for that is all that stands between you and immediate annihilation.
MONTEZUMA: I don’t know why all these leaders think they’re so great, I could crush them like a – well, to avoid a cliché, grapefruit. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
QIN: (laughs) You couldn’t crush ancient and mighty China, Montezuma. We outnumber you like 10 to 1.
MONTEZUMA: So do ants – but I still crush them. I even drink their blood if I can’t get human blood.
QIN: Yes, I see now what Elizabeth meant when she said “the deranged fool couldn’t rub two brain cells together, if he had any.”
MONTEZUMA: Ha! I’d kill her, if I were you. Don’t let her insult you like that, Qin.
QIN: I wouldn’t. Now, do you want Open Borders with mighty China?
MONTEZUMA: No. I’ll take it with you, though.
QIN: Ha ha. Goodbye for now, Montezuma. Oh, and I’ll send in my vassal in a minute.
(Qin exits)
MONTEZUMA: What kind of weakling would vassalise themselves to Qin voluntarily? Only one person springs to mind.
(a stranger enters)
STRANGER: Welcome, Montezuma! May your empire flourish and grow for as long as it remains useful to us! I mean that sincerely.
MONTEZUMA: So, Japan has buggered up again, eh?
TOKUGAWA: As if, Montezuma, you conniving bastard! I merely bide my time, content to plot the downfall of my inferiors, while they bicker, for Japan’s time will surely come.
MONTEZUMA: In other words, yeah, you buggered up. Well, I’d take Open Borders, but . . .
TOKUGAWA: Japan takes Open Borders from no-one! Trade is merely a means of spying into my empire, and I will not let it happen.
MONTEZUMA: . . . but that, yeah. In that case, bugger off now, while I prepare my invasion. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1220AD​

And the Civs keep coming
STRANGER: Well hello there, Montezuma. It is a pleasure to meet you at last! I’m always looking for closer relations with other leaders, if you get my drift . . .
MONTEZUMA: Yes, I hope that my mace and your brains can indeed become better acquainted.
CATHERINE: In your dreams, veirdo. You start a fight, I’ll end it. Now what do you vant?
MONTEZUMA: A lot of things, but you can’t help me. Except, Open Borders maybe?
CATHERINE: Fine. Now I go. (Catherine exits, a stranger enters)
STRANGER: Greetings, Montezuma! I am Alexander, ruler of the warlike Greek Empire! Let us join together and crush the world’s armies beneath our feet! It’ll be way cool!
MONTEZUMA: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! You’re my type of guy!
ALEXANDER: What? Well I’M not that type of guy, so keep away.
MONTEZUMA: Don’t get your sandals in a twist, I was talking about war! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! WAR!
ALEXANDER: Oh, fair play. So, I await your armies then. March them over to Athens from wherever your little kingdom is.
MONTEZUMA: Unfortunately, I can’t yet. I’m from across the ocean.
ALEXANDER: Oh! Well in that case, you can bugger off then, you’re of no use.
MONTEZUMA: Look, buddy, see this skull? That was the last person who told Monty to bugger off, yeeees? Yeeees, it was! A-MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
ALEXANDER: O – kaaaay. I’ll take Open Borders, then I’ll be off.
MONTEZUMA:Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
ALEXANDER: Did you get that? Hello?
POPOL: You’ve lost him. Sh, it happens.
(Alexander exits)
YUCA: Alexander nice guy.
AXA: Well, comparing him with other world leaders, he has a remarkably modest view of his empire.
MONTEZUMA: That’s probably because it’s crap. Unlike the empires of many other world leaders, like me, and, erm, me – and did I mention me?

 

[Pacifist46]

1230AD​

A World Wonder is finished
AXA: It is with great pride that I unveil the University of Sankore! It combines with our religious sect to boost research.
MONTEZUMA: All very well and good, but I am BORED!
AXA: I can think of several reasons why that is, none of which I would ever live to explain.
MONTEZUMA: What else is happening?
(Catherine enters)
CATHERINE: I’m demanding Paper from you, and you’re just about to give it me.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, in that case, here you – wait, you lying whore! Why would I give out stuff? It’s not in my nature to be generous!
CATHERINE: Last chance. Give me Paper, or I destroy you.
MONTEZUMA: Your threats are about as empty as your head.
CATHERINE: Fine. See where it gets you to be selfish, Montezuma. (Catherine exits)
MONTEZUMA: Just wait until I get Astronomy. I’ll wipe her out faster than she can say “oh bugger, I should have been much nicer to that nice Montezuma guy, boy was I stupid, I can’t believe I made such a schoolboy error, sorry schoolgirl error, but hey, it was an honourable death, I couldn’t have wished for . . . “(Montezuma exits)
AXA: I’ll finish off for him. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1250AD​

Montezuma meets the leading leader
STRANGER: Greetings, oh wise ruler of the Aztec peoples! Persia is strong – shall we count you among our friends, or among our enemies?
MONTEZUMA: Depends. How powerful are you?
CYRUS: Hey, a backstabber. Do you also do sarcasm?
MONTEZUMA: I’ve got no idea what you mean.
CYRUS: OK, enemies it is. I’m guessing you make a lot of enemies.
MONTEZUMA: All my enemies are long dead.
CYRUS: This one isn’t. Anyway, Open Borders?
MONTEZUMA: Aah, why not. Now bugger off back to Piss – ia, I have stuff to do.
CYRUS: First, meet my vassal.
(Cyrus exits, a stranger enters)
STRANGER: May peace and happiness go with you always, Montezuma. I am Asoka of – hey, nice skull!
MONTEZUMA: Cheers. As well as being headgear, it also serves as a mug. Neat, huh?
ASOKA: I wish I had one. I‘m considering attacking Cyrus.
MONTEZUMA: So am I, fellow backstabber.
POPOL: Wow, they have a lot in common.
ASOKA: Anyway, do you want . . .
MONTEZUMA: Open Borders, yeah, I normally do. And today is no exception.
ASOKA: I’ll see you then. Nice empire, by the way.
(Asoka exits)
MONTEZUMA: Decent guy. Proves they do exist, anyway. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! I’m starting to wish I hadn’t wiped Roosevelt out now, it seems like the fashion to have a vassal over in the East.
POPOL: Frankly, Asoka is a complete loser. And speaking of losers . . .
(a stranger enters, with a minion at his side)
MINION: Welcome, oh leader of the Aztec Empire. My horde can beat your horde any day of the week. Shall we be friends or enemies?
MONTEZUMA: Did you consider Thursday? My guys are sober on a Thursday.
KHAN: (grunt)
MONTEZUMA: I didn’t catch that.
KHAN: (grunt)
MINION: Genghis, while a fearsome warrior, is not intelligent enough to speak, an affliction common among the Mongol Tribe. I am Chinghiz Khan, and I will interpret. A moment.
(Chinghiz grunts and screeches, and the Khan responds in kind)
CHINGHIZ: My master receives your message. He replies, get bent.
MONTEZUMA: Oh really? Tell Genghis to get straight.
CHINGHIZ: Funny. My master now wishes to offer you Open Borders.
MONTEZUMA: OK, then. Now on your way, minion.
CHINGHIZ: We would not stay a moment longer.
(Chinghiz exits, and Khan follows. A moment later, they re-emerge, and exit on the other side of the hall)
AXA: And, the Mongols are so backwards, they’re actually going the wrong way. And they’re too stupid by now to notice as well.
POPOL: And Mongolia are far bottom of the score table, way below even the vassals.
MONTEZUMA: I wonder how his blood tastes. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
POPOL: Yes, thank you for your contribution sire.

 

[Pacifist46]

1260AD​

Montezuma is bored
MONTEZUMA: What’s that? Great Engineer in New York? Just blow him on a Golden Age.
POPOL: Are you sure? That would . . .
MONTEZUMA: Yes – I’m – bloody – sure. Now get out!

 

[Pacifist46]

1270 AD​

A guy with a funny moon hat turns up
MONTEZUMA: I didn’t order a clown.
STRANGER: Greetings, Montezuma! It is a (cough) honour to meet you! May the heavens bestow you upon a (co:spike:ugh) empire only slightly less glorious than mine!
MONTEZUMA: Man, you sure are profligate with you exclamation marks. Hello! Good! To! Meet! You! Anyway, you look like another loser, so –
SALADIN: If I look like a loser to you, it is because you do not follow Islam!
MONTEZUMA: Neither do you.
SALADIN: In my spare time, I secretly worship Allah. And he recommends your death, he even put a price tag on it.
MONTEZUMA: Sounds like peace, then. Open Borders?
SALADIN: Not only that, but I will trade you Music + 5 Gold for Optics.
MONTEZUMA: Done, and bugger off back to Arabia.
SALADIN: I will. Good day, or should I say, Good DIE!

 

[Pacifist46]

1290AD​

Saladin’s neighbours turn up
STRANGER: Surely the gods have smiled upon you, Montezuma, for they have led you to me!
MONTEZUMA: The gods must have a warped sense of pleasure.
HATSHEPSUT: Come, is it not delightful to bask under a palm tree in the golden sun, without a care in the world?
MONTEZUMA: Hmm, maybe it would be.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh. Pity then, that I haven’t got bloody time to lie about like that then.
MONTEZUMA: Why?
HATSHEPSUT: I’m at war with Asoka, Cyrus, Louis and Caesar, and also, Alexander and that dude who never speaks hate me too.
MONTEZUMA: You mean Genghis Can’t and his barely literate minion? Who cares about him?
HATSHEPSUT: Would you like Open Borders with me? Please?
MONTEZUMA: Hell, no, not if you’re the world’s worst enemy. You can bugger off home.
HATSHEPSUT: Well, f**k you too Montezuma. (Hatshepsut exits)
MONTEZUMA: Ha! Another day, another person hates me.
POPOL: A good day at the office in your books.

 

[Pacifist46]

1310AD​

And the last civ turns up
MONTEZUMA: Hey, you were dead by this time last game.
STRANGER: Welcome Montezuma. I, Mansa Musa, humble ruler of Mali, offer my hand to you in friendship
MONTEZUMA: And I spit on it when you least expect it. I see no-one likes you either.
MANSA: They are misguided. I forgive them, for they like me really, they just covet my lands. Their actions are rash, and they will regret them.
MONTEZUMA: In my humble opinion, I doubt that after Qin, Caesar, Tokugawa, Louis, Frederick and Saladin finish wiping you out, they will even remember you.
MANSA: So I have six wars on the go. My guys can handle it.
MONTEZUMA: Well I reckon you can’t. So I won’t offer you Open Borders. However, I will demand your world map, sucker.
MANSA: I relinquish it gladly . . .
MONTEZUMA: Woooo! Score! (Montezuma exits)
MANSA: . . . but I must beg you to reconsider your hostile . . . oh, you’re gone. Oh well, back to Mali then.

 

[Pacifist46]

1320AD​

Montezuma can’t be bothered to watch the news
POPOL: Sire, the Russians have declared war on Mansa Musa.
MONTEZUMA: Yeah, whatever. NEXT!
AXA: A hut popped on Cuba by Settlers gave us a map – of lands we already explored, by the look of it.
MONTEZUMA: That is a non-story. NEXT!
YUCA: As loyal advisor, Yuca recommend Theocracy.
MONTEZUMA: Good idea Yux. Let’s do it, then we can crank out units. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1360AD​

Islam is founded in a distant land, and, frankly, that’s about it