18 Civs; the Aztec Version

[Pacifist46]

1645AD​

Yuca reports
YUCA: Defense of Madrid three rifles.
MONTEZUMA: Should be a piece of cake. Chocolate cake at that.

 

[Pacifist46]

1650AD​

Madrid is captured
YUCA: We lost some trebs, but Madrid ours, sire.
MONTEZUMA: Nice work Yuca! Press on.
YUCA: Erm . . . did you not hear “we lost some trebs?” We have seven left only. We would be wise wait for peace now.

 

[Pacifist46]

1655AD​

But Montezuma does the opposite
MONTEZUMA: Woo! That puny English city will soon be ours.
YUCA: It’s a treb and two Maces vs two injured Knights.
MONTEZUMA: Ee – zeh, ee- zeh!

 

[Pacifist46]

1660AD​

And the Germans enter the fray
FREDERICK: I told you I would extinct you, Montezuma, and here is my proof.
MONTEZUMA: What do I care for you, Frederick? If you were any good at war, you would have conquered Europe by now.
FREDERICK: Germany has never lost a war it started.
MONTEZUMA: It never started one. Until now.

 

[Pacifist46]

1665AD​

Coventry is captured
MONTEZUMA: Ha! We have that puny English city. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
YUCA: Unfortunately, it autorazed.
MONTEZUMA: NOOO! Now someone else will settle there for sure!

 

[Pacifist46]

1670AD​

Like Cyrus, for example
MONTEZUMA: I can’t attack Cyrus, he’s my buddy at the moment. Stupid Herat.
YUCA: I advise no more wars for now, sire.
AXA: For ever.
POPOL: We have to deal with Fred’s stack outside Madrid first.
MONTEZUMA: You’re all spoilsports. Fine. I’m sulking, if anybody wants me.

 

[Pacifist46]

1675AD​

Montezuma starts making peace
MONTEZUMA: So, Hatshepsut, you’re an independent state again.
HATSHEPSUT: And soon to be a peaceful one. I give you 55Gold for peace.
MONTEZUMA: Alright. Now scurry along.

 

[Pacifist46]

1685AD​

And peace comes
POPOL: So, you made peace with:
- Frederick for 120 Gold, World Map +8 GPT
- Elizabeth for 180 Gold, and
- Caesar for 75 Gold.
AXA: And your new city Cempoala popped a hut for 81 Gold.
MONTEZUM: That is a whole lot of Gold! I don’t pretend to be a mathematician, but any idiot can see that’s about a million gold!
POPOL: Of course. And now you have horses.
MONTEZUMA: Yes! Europe won’t know what’s hit it. And then I’ll tell them! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
To be continued . . .

 

[Harry Potter52]

Great posts man
Keep up the story
Trademark the laugh by the way

 

[MotezumaMan]

Great posts man
Keep up the story
Trademark the laugh by the way

its a generic laff he didn't make it up

 

[Harry Potter52]

Yeah but I doubt sid trademarkes it yet (and he spells it muhahaha)

 

[MotezumaMan]

Yeah but I doubt sid trademarkes it yet (and he spells it muhahaha)

it's mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha or a-mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha its both of those

 

[Pacifist46]

Sorry about the massive delay for the next part, but i have been snowed under with work and also i wanted to work on my new scenario for a bit. I have played the turnset, but i still have to write it up. Expect it some time in the week. Thanks for posting guys.

 

[Harry Potter52]

We don't mind waiting for a good thing, it increases the anticipation.
Meanwhile, I ask my good friends to evaluate my attempt at a story http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?p=7362792#post7362792

 

[Pacifist46]

Part V​

1690AD​

Why do so many people demand stuff?
QIN: It has come to great China’s attention you have something I don’t.
MONTEZUMA: A brain, for one.
QIN: So, hand it over.
MONTEZUMA: What? My brain?
QIN: No, you fool, Rifling.
MONTEZUMA: I was gonna say. That’s totally unreasonable.
QIN: What about Rifling?
MONTEZUMA: I just told you, it’s totally unreasonable. So goodbye.
QIN: Just wait until I get my hands on you.
MONTEZUMA: You’ll have to get your hands on Rifling first. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1695AD​

And more obscure civs turn up
MONTEZUMA: Hey, it’s you!
ASOKA: It is me! You’re a genius!
MONTEZUMA: Like all genii, I already knew. So what brings you to Aztec, cos it sure ain’t the women. I had them all sacrificed last week.
ASOKA: Damn . . . erm, OK, I wanted to know if you would trade maps. I have a good map of, well, India.
MONTEZUMA: It says WORLD map. You’re supposed to trade your whole map.
ASOKA: Yeah, well why would I wanna explore outside India? I know there’s nowhere better.
MONTEZUMA: What, apart from Persia, China, Russia . . .
ASOKA: Where, where and where? I only know civs by my name for their leader. You’re “stupid guy with that cool skull”.
MONTEZUMA: Pretty hard nickname, if I say so myself. Anyway, your map sucks, and I don’t wanna trade.
ASOKA: Oh, come on.
MONTEZUMA: Nope, I ‘m sticking by that. Go and see China, I mean, arrogant dude with the huge head.
ASOKA: Alright.

 

[Pacifist46]

1705AD​

Khan returns
KHAN: (grunt)
CHINGHIZ: My master wishes to inform you that you look like a right idiot with that skull.
MONTEZUMA: Tell your master that he can’t talk about fashion.
CHINGHIZ: Right, pleasantries dispensed with, let’s get to business. What is the deal with Hinduism?
MONTEZUMA: It rocks, that’s what. I get to sacrifice people and stuff.
CHINGHIZ: My master says that is barbaric. He urges you to convert to Judaism, the true faith.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, what, I’ve got Judaism in one of my cities? Bugger. I bet everyone starts annoying me about that now.
CHINGHIZ: Almost everyone is Jewish, except you!
MONTEZUMA: What can I say, I’m a trend-setter, not a trend follower.
KHAN: (grunt)
CHINGHIZ: What? I’m not saying that!
KHAN: (screech)
CHINGHIZ: Fine, fine. My master wishes to inform you that your mother was a whore, and that you are the product of her and a tapir, and that if you ever have children, they’ll be part tapir, and gutted about it. (to Khan) Satisfied?
KHAN: (nods head and smiles evilly)
CHINGHIZ: And now we must go.
MONTEZUMA: THAT IS . . .
POPOL: . . . very nice thank you please come again preferably not this game.
(Khan exits)
POPOL: Whew, you almost cracked his skull open with that piercing glare, sire.
MONTEZUMA: What did you think I was trying to do? Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1715AD​

Ze annoying Russian is back
CATHERINE: Ach! You simply disgust me, Montezuma, and you should not be allowed to live.
MONTEZUMA: This has a kind of rehearsed feeling.
CATHERINE: Ze only way you can repent is to pay for a life permit, vich . . . (breaks off, because Montezuma is pissing himself laughing)
MONTEZUMA: A LIFE permit! (calms down an hour later) Oh, man, that was funny.
CATHERINE: Vat’s so funny?
MONTEZUMA: I can’t remember, otherwise I’d still be laughing. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
CATHERINE: Alright, I’ll cut to ze chase. Give me 910 gold.
MONTEZUMA: WHAT? I ain’t laughing now.
CATHERINE: Go on, give it me.
MONTEZUMA: I’d sooner give you something else, babe.
CATHERINE: Your lewd references do nothing to enhance your image, Montezuma. I will not stay a minute longer. (Catherine exits)
MONTEZUMA: Pissing off other leaders is definitely my best skill.
YUCA: I think you should start taking Catherine seriously, sire.
MONTEZUMA: What? Why?
YUCA: Because there is large Russian army in France just outside Madrid.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, crap. How large?
YUCA: Very large. Although weak. No siege. Mainly Knights.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, well that’s alright then, we’ve got Rifles in there. And this provides me with an excuse to war! You know that fleet you were preparing, Yux?
YUCA: Yes, sire?
MONTEZUMA: Have it invade Exmalia. You know, Timbuktu and that. Timbuktu’s Russian, if I remember rightly.
AXA: Such a feat of brainpower has never been displayed by your majesty. Did you swap brains with Qin after all?
MONTEZUMA: Ha bloody ha. We’ll see who’s laughing when I have all of West Africa under my grasp! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
MONTEZUMA: Oh, and by the way, it’ll be me. Me who’s laughing.

 

[Pacifist46]

1720AD​

The trumpet sounds
YUCA: As predicted, sire, Madrid came under fire.
MONTEZUMA: And, as predicted, held easily. That city is strategic, Yuca, don’t lose it.
AXA: On a scientific front . . . we have Physics!
MONTEZUMA: Physics? What a stupid nerdy subject! All I care about is when we get to Assembly line. But keep me informed anyway.

 

[Pacifist46]

1725AD​

Alexander visits the mighty Aztec leader
ALEXANDER: Only on arriving here did I remember it was you, Montezuma, he who couldn’t lift a bag of sugar.
MONTEZUMA: That’s true, if it was a bag containing all the sugar in the world.
ALEXANDER: Anyway, my spies . . .
MONTEZUMA: You have spies inside my court?
AXA: (cough)(cough)(goes red)
MONTEZUMA: Well I have spies inside your court too. Top secret ones, you’ll never discover them.
ALEXANDER: Oh yeah? Like who? I don’t believe you.
MONTEZUMA: I do too, like that Spartacus dude, and Virgin or whatever his name is, and . . . oh bugger. Look, stop distracting me, and get on with it.
ALEXANDER: I wanted to see if you wanted a kick around.
MONTEZUMA: Is that all? I love football!
ALEXANDER: The object we’ll be kicking is Egypt.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, I get you. That’s a no, then. Can’t you see I’m at war with Crazy Cathers and her crappy coalition of communist chums?
ALEXANDER: Apparently not. Well this was a waste of time.
MONTEZUMA: Like always. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!