18 Civs; the Aztec Version

[Pacifist46]

1440AD​

Caesar has demands
CAESAR: The mighty Roman Empire regards you as little more than barbarian scum, worth even less than the land you live on. In a gesture of contempt, we demand 80 Gold.
MONTEZUMA: Aha! I’m good at refusing stuff. No deal, Salad Fingers.
CAESAR: Rats. (Caesar exits, Cyrus enters)
CYRUS: Unlike the ghastly Romans, Persia can afford to offer you something for your tech. I offer Gunpowder + 140 Gold for your Printing Press.
MONTEZUMA: Hey, a good deal for once.
CYRUS: Much appreciated, Montezuma.

 

[Pacifist46]

1460AD​

And the part ends
MONTEZUMA: FINALLY! ASTROOOOOOOOOONOMY! Galleons, galleons, galleons!
YUCA: I agree.
MONTEZUMA: Yes! Foreign blood will soon start flowing from their coffins into our coffers! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
POPOL: To be fair, we gotta start colonizing South America. We’ve left it too late.
MONTEZUMA: That as well. Now bugger off!
To be continued . . .

 

[Nerowannabe]

Yes I totally forgot about this thanks for the update.

 

[pesgores]

Great way of writing the story.

 

[DroopyTofu]

Yay!! {=) An update. Your not trying to be another Sistutil, waiting months to right an update. Please don't do that Pleasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse

 

[Harry Potter52]

Great update. Seriously love Montezuma (Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!)

 

[Hillo]

Gotta love Monty.

 

[Harry Potter52]

Welcome to the forums

 

[Saint Rising]

Loving this.

 

[Pacifist46]

Part IV​

1480AD​

Mansa crosses the ocean
MANSA: It is with great humility that I offer Divine Right + 70 Gold for you Printing Press.
MONTEZUMA: You’re right, you have humiliated yourself. And wasted a journey too. I don’t want Divine Right.
MANSA: Of course, I forgot, someone as great as yourself has no desire for material possessions. You are willing to give me it for free, surely?
MONTEZUMA: Ha! That’s the best one I’ve heard so far.

 

[Pacifist46]

1500AD​

And another African visits
HATSHEPSUT: Will you take Open Borders with me now, please please please?
MONTEZUMA: Ha! You capitulated to that stuckup-son of a whore Caesar then?
HATSHEPSUT: I did not. It was a mutually beneficial agreement, resulting in the alliance of our nat . . .
MONTEZUMA: Save your breath, fool. But hey, I’ll take Open Borders anyhoos.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh, good. Goodbye, that is.

 

[Pacifist46]

1510AD​

Elizabeth pays Montezuma a business call
ELIZABETH: Well, you didn’t think I’d come here out of choice, did you?
MONTEZUMA: I live here out of choice. It’s a great place.
ELIZABETH: Anyway, let’s stop arguing. Surely you have nothing but contempt for the stupid Mongols and their band of effeminate easterners? So cancel your deals with them, for pity’s sake. It’s absolutely horrendous, the way you treat them, almost as if they were . . . equals. It’s got to stop.
MONTEZUMA: Actually, I was going to stop trading with the Mongols soon anyway.
ELIZABETH: Oh, corking choice!
MONTEZUMA: But now, I don’t think I will. It might make me look weak, doing it just after you visited.
ELIZABETH: What? Wh-h-hy? You’re cutting your nose off, to spite your face. Mind you, with a nose like that, removing it might make even your face look better.
MONTEZUMA: At least I don’t look like you. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1515AD​

And the next leader to visit is Alexander
ALEXANDER: Hello, my warlike friend, I see you now have Astronomy. So ship your troops over to my lands, and we’ll go kick some imperial purple butt.
MONTEZUMA: I have my own plans considering the Roman, so no thanks, but hey, you could attack from your side anyway.
ALEXANDER: OK, I have a suggestion. I suppose if you don’t want to ship over to Greece, I’ll ship my guys over to you. Of course I’ll need Astronomy (co:free:ugh) before my army can get there. They’ll be far from home, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
MONTEZUMA: Well if YOU’RE making the sacrifice, it’s good, I sup . . .
POPOL: Wait! Don’t you see? He just wants a free tech, like the rest of them.
MONTEZUMA: Oh yeah . . . erm . . . I mean, yeah I was just coming to that part. You can have Astronomy free. Because nicking it from someone else IS free, come to mention it. Of course you’d have to pay to get it from me. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
ALEXANDER: Man, that was close. (Alexander exits)
AXA: Glad to see you’re at the peak of your game, sire.
MONTEZUMA: Stupid Alexander. Thought he could trick me! Didn’t work though, did it lads?
YUCA: Well done sire.
MONTEZUMA: Thank you very much Yuca for your ever perceptive and unbiased view. And for your reward I will adopt Vassalage.
POPOL: Whaaaaaaaaat?
MONTEZUMA: Well, he’s right, and you two are just standing there criticising. Who says I ain’t fair? Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1545AD​

Popol has some bad news
POPOL: We finished Philosophy at last, sire . . .
MONTEZUMA: Why the hell did I want that?
AXA: You don’t. It’s on the Liberalism path. And anyway you got Chemistry, so don’t panic.
POPOL: As I was saying, we finished Philosophy, and it will only take 4 turns to complete Liberalism.
MONTEZUMA: Why is that bad news, you fool?
POPOL: Because we can see Liz’s research. It will take her only 2.
MONTEZUMA: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! This is YOUR fault, Popol!
POPOL: To be a bit fairer, it was you who wouldn’t let me go anywhere near it until we got Astronomy . . .
MONTEZUMA: Don’t make excuses, Popol. You screwed up, as per.
YUCA: Not lordship fault.
MONTEZUMA: It can’t be my fault. I don’t have any faults. The logic is flawed.
POPOL: I’ll agree with that; the logic is certainly buggered up somewhere.

 

[Pacifist46]

1550AD​

Caesar himself visits Tenochtitlan
CAESAR: Greetings, Montezuma, barbarian leader.
MONTEZUMA: Greetings, Caesar, who absolutely bloody deserves what’s coming to him.
CAESAR: As you are barbarian scum, you will undoubtedly want key civilised techs such as Nationalism and Banking.
MONTEZUMA: I do, actually.
CAESAR: Naturally, in a barbaric show of self-unrestraint, you will accept both those techs and 350 Gold for Chemistry.
MONTEZUMA: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! You’ve screwed up this time! That is seriously balanced in my favour, I mean, yes, I have no self-restraint, and accept your offer, because I’m dumb like that.
CAESAR: WOO! New stuff, I mean, good screwing you over, Montezuma. (Caesar exits)
POPOL: Well, even I have to admit, that was one hell of a trade.

 

[Pacifist46]

1555AD​

Two leaders visit the Aztec realm
ALEXANDER: I’m ba – ack!
MONTEZUMA: Oh bu –gger.
ALEXANDER: “Thou art acquainted with the perfidious English lady, no?”
MONTEZUMA: Yes, actually. Weren’t expecting that, were you?
ALEXANDER: Whatever. Anyway, I’d like you to cancel all your deals with her.
MONTEZUMA: Does that mean all of them?
ALEXANDER: Yep.
MONTEZUMA: Really?
ALEXANDER: Yes!
MONTEZUMA: You sure?
ALEXANDER: Yes! Jeez.
MONTEZUMA: All my deals.
ALEXANDER: All – your – deals.
MONTEZUMA: With the English?
ALEXANDER: With the – oh, to hell with it, you’re gonna say no, I’m off. (Alexander exits)
MONTEZUMA: Ha!
(Cyrus enters)
MONTEZUMA: Look out behind you!
CYRUS: What? (spins around)
MONTEZUMA: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Gets ‘em every time. Whadda you want?
CYRUS: How about a Defensive Pact?
MONTEZUMA: It’d be cool, but I’m planning to beat up the Romans soon.
CYRUS: Who isn’t? Until then, then.
MONTEZUMA: Yeah, I’ll take that.
CYRUS: Good man. Well, I know I am.

 

[Pacifist46]

1600AD​

A Great Scientist is born
POPOL: . . . in New York, sire.
MONTEZUMA: Build an Academy in our best science city.
POPOL: That would be Teotihuacan.
MONTEZUMA: OK, I don’t care which crappy little city it is.
POPOL: It’s your second oldest city, sire.
MONTEZUMA: Is it? I mean, I remember, it’s the one I settled in the sea.

 

[Pacifist46]

1610AD​

The fleet sets sail
YUCA: I plan attack Madrid. Will give source horses to Empire.
MONTEZUMA: About time we got some Cavalry on the scene.
POPOL: Our reports show Caesar is weakening, due to Antium being captured by the Greeks, and Louis becoming a free state.
MONTEZUMA: Weakening? How is it possible for Caesar to get any weaker? I know he looks hardcore, but it’s all show, believe me.

 

[Pacifist46]

1620AD​

Persia is back
CYRUS: It is with great pleasure that I visit the Americas again.
MONTEZUMA: OK, what do you want this time?
CYRUS: Actually, Persia is a fair and just land, always giving out fair deals.
MONTEZUMA: You better do, or I’ll give you a fair whack on the head.
CYRUS: I am willing to give you Constitution for Chemistry + 65 Gold.
MONTEZUMA: Sounds reasonable actually. I’ll bite.
CYRUS: And also, I desire Rifling, and I will give you Scientific Method plus my World Map.
MONTEZUMA: I’d say that’s worth it as well. Thanks, Cyrus.
CYRUS: It is my pleasure. (Cyrus exits)
POPOL: Also, some news concerning Saladin.
MONTEZUMA: What has that appalling excuse for an Arab failed to do now?
POPOL: He has vassalised himself to the Russian Empire.
MONTEZUMA: That’s Cathers, isn’t it? Can’t see where the attraction is.

 

[Pacifist46]

1640AD​

War returns to the Aztec Empire
YUCA: Our troops landing near Madrid taken as war by Caesar.
MONTEZUMA: Which is exactly what it is. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
YUCA: But, Yuca spots something else.
MONTEZUMA: What? What is it, Yuca?
YUCA: White borders in South America.
MONTEZUMA: AAAAH! English! What forces have we got left over here?
YUCA: Few.
MONTEZUMA: Well, just throw them at that city in a reckless and ill-advised attack. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(Saladin enters)
SALADIN: Reckless . . . ill-advised . . . talking about yourself again, eh Montezuma? Add self-obsessed to that list.
MONTEZUMA: Go drown yourself in an oasis.
SALADIN: Yeah, real good one. Anyway, do you want Liberalism and Economics free?
MONTEZUMA: YES! GIVE!
SALADIN: Limited time deal at Arabian Superstores, get those + 110 Gold for nothing at all. Of course, to qualify for this deal, you have to give a small donation of Rifling first.
MONTEZUMA: Yes! I accept your magnanimous offer.
SALADIN: Ha! See ya. (Saladin exits)
MONTEZUMA: Free techs! I love it! Adopt Free Market now.