In about April I stopped hanging out with my best friend and started hanging out with a mutual acquaintance. I didn't know her very well at all back then, but I invited her to come watch me play soccer one day, didn't expect her to show up, but she did. We quickly started hanging out virtually every day. My up until that point best friend had problems, and wasn't very fun to be around with. Now I know that he had problems at home, but I didn't know that back then.. he would rub me the wrong way a lot, so when this girl came along I didn't really mind not hanging out with him. I hung out with her instead.
And we made instant best friends. It was wonderful! She would come over more and more.. We made an instant connection and it was something that had been missing from my life. I embraced it. Soon enough she would be over every day. On top of that she is a bit obsessive compulsive, so she would clean up, do my dishes, help me organize my DVDs, stuff like that. Basically, stuff that I wouldn't do too often, because I'm a guy
Now, I knew that this girl had a boyfriend, who lived in Toronto.. at first I didn't even know if they were still dating - she wouldn't see very much of him. 1 time a month max. And by the time he actually got off his ass and came visit her, she has basically fallen into the 'girlfriend' role with me. A vague sort of girlfriend role. She would be over every day, we'd go shopping, we'd cook together, we'd watch the same TV shows together, she acquianted herself with soccer, my favourite past-time.. We did everything together. We'd go out for dinner, go grab some beers somewhere, shoot some pool, etc. We'd have a lot of fun together.. She'd flash me, I'd flash her back, etc. When we sat on the couch together to watch something, we'd get closer and closer, over the weeks. It just all sort of happened naturally and I really enjoyed it, so I didn't question anything. Nothing sexual ever happened, but we were a team, and it seemed we were invincible.
Then her boyfriend came to visit.. and it was a bit awkward for me, becasue she brought him over to my place.. this confused me greatly.. Not only that, they didn't seem to have much chemistry between them, and I didn't really get how they were boyfriend/girlfriend. I was also a bit jealous, understandably. So whenever he came to visit, she would bring him over to my place.. and when that happened he kind of got to have her attention, most of the time, while she didn't show me as much attention as usual. I didn't like this. This went on for about 3-4 months, this summer. Most of the time it was great, when he was down it sucked.. for me.. and I knew that this girl was very fragile, so I didn't want to push things too hard. I figured that if she felt the connection that I'm feeling, and started to fell for me,
like I was falling for her, then things would just sort of work out. Most important of all, I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. I figured that if I moved too fast, she would not only not be my girlfriend, she would also stop being my friend.
About 2 months into hanging out together, we ended up cuddling on my couch during a scary movie. That just sort of happened, too. At the end of the movie we were both lying down on the couch and she was in my arms.. And things were very comfortable. I suggested that we just sleep there, half jokingly. She agreed! So I suggested we move to my bed instead, which was far more comfortable.. but small
And she just got up and walked there.. next thing I know, our pants are off and we're cuddling & spooning on my bed. This went on for hours.
During all this, I considered making some sort of a sexual move.. But I have a bit of an admission to make.. I have some physical intimacy issues. ANd what was happening felt way too good.. It felt like an exchange of pure love. It was the most amazing thing I have ever felt in my entire life. I didnt' want to let go, and I didn't want it to change. On top of all THAT, she told me stories of how most of the preivous guy firends she had took advantage of her.. and that she is no longer friends with any of them. So I kept all of this in mind and just enjoyed the moment. SHe was enjoying it too.
All what I've been describing happened in late may-early september of this year. Now.. I think her and her boyfriend rekindled their relationship somewhat, because the one time in september that he came to visit, I didn't see her at all. I think he might've been onto something too, maybe that's why he didn't really want to come hang out at my place. In any case, I had a horrible weekend. The weekend before that was
amazing. We spent like 5 days together in a row, practically 24/7, aside from work. She slept over every single night, and by that time I had a huge queen sized bed, so we shared that from time to time. She took me to a fancy hungarian restaurant and we had a BLAST. It was very romantic. At least I felt so! Then the last night of that 5-day long bender, I had some work to do. She went to sleep and said she would leave me some room. So a couple hours later, I crawl back in bed.. and BOOM, the first thing that happens is that she rolls right into me.. Her knee and hand ends up in my crotch. So I'm like.. okay.. is she awake? I move my feet a littlebit and cuddle a bit closer to her.. play footsy.. she appears to be playing back, but I can't quite tell. It could just be a natural reaction and she could be asleep. It didn't feel odd or awwkard in any way though, so we kinda lied there for a while, until I fell asleep. The next day after that I went to see her @ her place. THings felt weird. SHe was snappy. SHe was treating me differently than any other time before. THen she casually brings up that her boyfriend is coming to visit the next day! Great! ANd then when we were hugging goodbye,s he gave me a weird look, and our hug felt totally wrong. Things just weren't right.
So that weekend was horrible, for me. I was jealous.. I felt alone.. I felt abandoned.. Maybe I'm a bit needy, I don't know, but I was used to seeing this girl every 2 days max. Usually every day. So I had to wonder. Did I pass up a chance to be with her? Did I wait too long to make a move or to tell her how I felt (by then I had strong feelings for her)? WHat was really going on? This sorta messed up my head and I got very depressed. After that weekend, I knew that she was going to see her parents, they live far away. ANd so I knew I wouldn't see her for another week. She called me.. but I was so depressed that I kinda brushed her off. I just couldn't talk to her. I ignored a couple more of her calls and didn't respond to her emails. We didn't see eachother for a month and a half after that. I just felt like I have been the 'backup boyfriend' .. and she really hurt me. I needed to get away. Plus I was really really confused.
So after a month of this or so, I decided to send her an email. In it I outlined why I couldn't see her for a month, I told her that I thought that her relationship with her boyfriend conflicts with her relationship with mine. and that she hurt me. I went into some details but I didn't tell her how I feel about her - not directly. I knew that it wasn't the right time.
It took her a week to respond to my email. Long story short, we exchanged a couple emails before hanging out again. In the emails she said that we needed to have a 'long honest talk', and I agreed. Eventually we did meet up, and ewnt to get some food & beer.. and after a couplee beers, and some talking (we get along so well, things just fall into place) it was very easy to bring all of this up. She didn't really say much.. she let me do most of my talking. And I basically expanded on what I said in my earlier email. She said she thought that we had a platonic relationship. Didn't say much more than that. I was very happy to get all of this off my chest, so I felt really good. I felt that at the time, a lot was accomplished.
When we started hanging out again, it was around the time of my birthday... and she made sure that I had the most amazing time ever. Who did I spend it with? HER! Mostlyh just her.. I didn't really have a party either.. SHe was just over every day. She baked me a cake in a toaster oven! I had a wonderful time. one of the best birthdays ever.
But things felt a bit uneasy.. somewhat. She could probably sense it too, because right before she took off to go home for the holidays, she gave me a huge hug, said that she's going to miss me, and that we're going to have a long honest talk when she gets back. I thought we already had that! But I liked her directness and appreciated that she cared. So over the break I took care of her cat.. I was over every day, played with her, fed her.. etc.
In any case, fast forward to last thursday. I had some people over, including said girl. When everyone else was leaivng, she decided to stick around.. and then when everyone was gone, sat down beside me, and we started talking. She told me that we wre never going to be boyfriend/girlfriend, EVER. It just was never going to happen. Whatever I was feeling, she wasn't feeling it. I took it quite well, I think. but I had to inevitably ask her about all the previous 'signs' that I read from her, that signified to me that there might be something possible. She brushed everything off.. in a respectable way. But she wanted to make sure that we have an understanding and that nothing was ever going to happen.
SO then I wondered.. "So I suppose cuddling is out?" .. and she got all redfaced and giggly.. and girly.. and told me that it wasn't out of the question, but the circumstances had to be right. SO.. that's confusing to me, as a guy.. as a human
I also don't think she'd be against sex, if that happened naturally too. But I felt like I needed a bit more control in our relationship, so I told her that I couldn't imagine making out with her.. that it just felt too weird to picture in my mind. I am fairly good looking.. she doesn't think she is.. That, coming from me to her, must have been a bit of a blow. Psychologically. But I needed that psychological advantage. the feeling of being in control. Plus it was partially true.
SO I accepted all that she told me. Over the next couple days we've been all hanging out at my friend's Rich's place. He's in love with my female friend's best friend, who just got back from England. SO it'd be the happy new couple (who just started dating), and me and my female friend. And up until that point, I would have all these inhibitions in my head.. as in "Oh no, we can't get this close, we're just friends, I don't want to ruin that".. etc. SO when things got hairy, I did put up a bit of a wall. I did not want to lose a good friend, and that's what happened to all her previous guy friends.. so
So I got all this confidence I never had. I'm usually sort of quiet and unsure of myself in social situations.. that's just me.. but after she told me "NEVER" i felt all the confidence in the world. weird, huh? Well, I was the life of the party. Cracking jokes left and right, pouring her drinks, passing her her cards, not getting flustered in any sort of situation.. things just flowed so smoothly.
After our long talk on thursday (the NEVER talk) I actually walked her home,a dn then back. in pouring rain. The next day she just randomly showed up at my place.. at like midnight.. we had a lot of fun and then we went on a walk. We talked about all sorts of stuff.. and we were just so easy with eachother, it was amazing. We talked about stuff we've never talked about, like quantum physics. ANd during our conersation.. yep.. you've guessed it.. I heard hints being dropped in that what happened 'had to happen'. And I had a feeling all along that she just had to tell me that to push me back to a comfortable distance. and on top of it all she's afraid of ocmittment, which is why she keeps a bf that she rarely sees 200 km away. But now that I was at a comfortable distance, psychologically, we were able to get closer.. as friends. going on walks.. having deep conversations.. having a perfect understanding. That is something I loved about us, when we first started hanging out, but over the months all the BS sorta eroded that a bit. So having that sort of confidence and connection again, was great.
Then last night all 4 of us were hanging out at my friend's place. And I admit that I fell a bit into a boyfriendishesque role with this girl.. we were sitting beside eachother.. didn't feel weird at all.. we were pretty close.. next thing I know our feet are touching.. I dont' think much of it.. but then she seems to be playing footsy a bit.. okay.. i play back, a bit.
Then she says stuff like "never say never" and.. we're talking, enxt thing I know she's getting up to go to the kitchen and says: "something has to happen" as she's passing me.. and then she starts talking about moving away, to go to school, far far away.. not to me, to the whole group. in a "this might be the last time you ever see me" type of thing.
So, excuse that long story, but I'm a bit confused. On one hand I have a date, with another girl, this thursday. We have been flirting.. and hanging out at my place. SHe's an ex and she trusts me.. Nothing has happened yet, aside from me giving her a massage.. and her moaning
I've been sort of putting this off until I figure out the other girl.. the girl I have strong feelings for.. the girl who I thought was my soulmate.
And I don't really know what to do. On one hand I've accepted the "NEVER!" thing and view us as just friends.. very close friends. but then we've been getting closer.. again.. and I seem to be getting all these signals from her. It's like she can feel me feel comfortable and feels like if anything was gonna happen, this is the perfect environment for that. But I'm not really sure what she's thinking and feeling, after all. Nor do I feel like making any sort of move, after the "NEVER" talk.
Initially I was going to rent a scary movie, invite her over, we'd end up on my couch and then.. who knows.. I was going to try making something happen.
But now I'm in a "if she wants something, she's gotta let me know more directly"
I'm asking here because I don't think a guy would give me good advice
