Child Rearing Thread

[Birdjaguar]

Not so much. The theory is quite clear. But then we come to the practice.
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
But....(leave you to fill in the rest)

The intensity of it is quite refreshing/bracing/scary/debilitating..



I'm tempted to respond: then how is that different from any other thing in life...
But true of course, and mistakes are a big part of learning.

I don't disagree, but you can say that about many other things: imagining vs being a programmer, imagining vs being a hit man, the pope, a carpenter, etc.

An academic approach to learning can only teach you so much - hands on experience is invaluable.. and as a parent you only start getting hands on experience once you become one. That's a part of the challenge (I think).

But it is much tougher to walk away from being a parent than other difficult situations. If you decide that you are tired of being a programmer, you can stop and learn to do something else. Walking away from your six year old is far more complicated.

No one has said otherwise. It kind of smells like a straw man... Either you're a parent or you're not. If you are one, your judgement is clouded by your emotions for your child, I imagine. The decision still has to be made while you're not a parent, whether to become one or not. Most people will afterwards regard the decision to have child as a good one.

Yes, once you take the leap it is very hard to say "I made a mistake." It is harder for moms than for dads.

 

[Farm Boy]

This is one of the reasons why I don't have kids yet. I am finally financially independent and am able to realize many of my dreams and goals. Why would I throw all that away for something somebody else wants?

Like with any other large investment - I am very careful about how I budget my time and money. This particular one would involve at least 18 years of my life - and perhaps a quarter of a million $ - or something similar.

Like I said, I bet a pretty lady could convince me, but just not anytime soon. First I'm going to Norway, then Nepal, and after that we'll see. Do I regret making life choices the way I have? In some ways, yes. I see the happiness my sister feels and the incredible bond between child and parent... .. that is something I wouldn't mind having. But also in many ways no - the amount of investment involved does not appeal to me at this stage in my life.

It'll probably smack you upside the head when it finally does happen, should it.

After doing all the boring listening and waiting and waiting and waiting, I had one week of warning from married non parent to holding an infant I was responsible for. I was not ready at all which, frankly, sucked. Planning is good, you should keep that up. It might even help.

 

[Quintillus]

I haven't decided yet. On the one hand, I can see where it could be a very rewarding experience. On the other hand, I've also become a lot more aware of how it can be a very stressful experience during the past year. I also am with warpus on not wanting to rush into it, instead taking some time to enjoy life while I'm young, preferably for awhile after getting married, too. My parents did that for more than a decade after getting married, and it worked out pretty well. They got to travel quite a bit while young, healthy, and energetic, and by the time I was born they were in a solid financial situation.

Besides the fertility question, the other downside of having kids late is that their grandparents are often pretty old by the time they are able to relate to them as adults. I mostly missed out on this experience due to my own parents being relatively old when I was born, and their parents not being particularly young when they were born. But I think that argument is not strong enough to justify rushing out and having kids. Having involved grandparents would be great, but I don't think it would be more beneficial than having mature, prepared parents with a steady life situation.

I do find it interesting that 100% of those with their own kids have voted in the positive. Not enough to persuade me overnight, but something to consider if several years from now I'm in a relationship with someone and we're both on the fence.

 

[Zelig]

I do find it interesting that 100% of those with their own kids have voted in the positive.

That's really much more interesting in the context of the studies linked from my news article.

 

[Grisu]

I'm the father of three little girls. There's two things that I did underestimate before having them

- The amount of time and effort needed to properly take care of a child
- The joy and love that I get out of it

Bottom line is: I wouldn't have it any other way

 

[warpus]

YBut it is much tougher to walk away from being a parent than other difficult situations. If you decide that you are tired of being a programmer, you can stop and learn to do something else. Walking away from your six year old is far more complicated.

I don't disagree with that, but it doesn't change the fact that what you said initially applies to a lot more skill sets than just parenting.

 

[Leifmk]

I'm the father of three little girls. There's two things that I did underestimate before having them

- The amount of time and effort needed to properly take care of a child
- The joy and love that get out of it

Bottom line is: I wouldn't have it any other way

Same, except my three are all boys, aka monkeys. Aged six, three and one. Oh gods, the chaos they generate.

 

[BSmith1068]

Mine are six (son), four and four (twin girls). Absolute chaos.

 

[bathsheba666]

I always thought Robin William's Night at the Met was a seminal work on parenthood.

Right up through his joke about your kid quitting college on you, too.

 

[Grisu]

Same, except my three are all boys, aka monkeys. Aged six, three and one. Oh gods, the chaos they generate.

My girls are of the same ages It seems generating chaos is not gender specific

Currently, as far as chaos goes, the youngest is the worst...

 

[Birdjaguar]

I'm the father of three little girls. There's two things that I did underestimate before having them

- The amount of time and effort needed to properly take care of a child
- The joy and love that get out of it

Bottom line is: I wouldn't have it any other way

OMG! Just wait until you have three teenage girls.

 

[Grisu]

OMG! Just wait until you have three teenage girls.

I'm putting some cash to the side for a room in an insane asylum (for myself)

 

[Valka D'Ur]

You and others seem to be unhappy with my use of the word "clueless" and feel that it is too extreme. I do not think that it is too strong a word. I know looking back, my wife and I were both "clueless" and I think that those of you who do make the transition to being a parent will agree once you get there.

The common perception of the word "clueless" is that it's a way of calling people "stupid" or "dumb" or "ignorant." In short, it's an insulting way to refer to people on this issue.

 

[Farm Boy]

I'm putting some cash to the side for a room in an insane asylum (for myself)

I still think my favorite story of 3 teenage girls is one of my father-in-law's:

"Where are you going?"
"To mow the lawn!"
"It's pouring outside."
"I KNOW!"

 

[Loppan Torkel]

Another question: How many of the dads here were actively pushing (..) for them, in contrast to agreeing/accepting/submitting/being surprised by one (while the mother was pursuing it more actively)?

 

[Leifmk]

First one was a bit of a surprise, timing-wise -- we were planning to start trying within a year or so of being married, but instead we came home from our honeymoon with a merrily growing blastocyst.

#2 and #3 were the results of meticulous planning.

 

[Grisu]

Another question: How many of the dads here were actively pushing (..) for them, in contrast to agreeing/accepting/submitting/being surprised by one (while the mother was pursuing it more actively)?

we were in agreement about wanting kids for years before actually trying to have any. The final decision to decide when was hers, though (since the timing is less important for men...)

as for #2 and #3 we just decided to not use contraceptives until we've had enough

 

[Birdjaguar]

The common perception of the word "clueless" is that it's a way of calling people "stupid" or "dumb" or "ignorant." In short, it's an insulting way to refer to people on this issue.

clue·less
ˈklo͞oləs/
adjective informal
having no knowledge, understanding, or ability.
synonyms: oblivious, unaware, unmindful, insensible, ignorant, unobservant;

No mention of dumb or stupid. That must be a Canadian thing.

Another question: How many of the dads here were actively pushing (..) for them, in contrast to agreeing/accepting/submitting/being surprised by one (while the mother was pursuing it more actively)?

We both agreed it was time.

 

[Takhisis]

clue·less
ˈklo͞oləs/
adjective informal
having no knowledge, understanding, or ability.
synonyms: oblivious, unaware, unmindful, insensible, ignorant, unobservant;

No mention of dumb or stupid. That must be a Canadian thing.

Also used by Americans, Brits, etc. with such a meaning. Even if if you somehow weren't calling Valka an idiot, you were still calling her ignorant, and your post reeks of unnecessary condescension, Birdjaguar.

 

[downtown]

My wife and I were planning on having a kid "soon", but the specific timing wasn't totally planned. Made some things a lot harder. Whatever. Like there is a good time to have a kid.