Engagement Rings: Cost and Other Stuff

[BvBPL]

The traditional recommendation has been one or two months salary for an engagement ring. I'm seeing some recommendations now that suggest three months salary.

How much did you pay for your engagement ring? Your answer in terms of number of weeks' salary would be more helpful than an absolute value since you could be a multi millionaire or a hobo and that $3k ring could represent any relative value of your take home pay.

Then again, maybe it would be useful to put it in absolute terms. Quite possible $3k is about the upper limit for what a reasonable person would ever pay for a ring. Or maybe you can't get a decent ring for less than $3k. I don't know.

What do folks think of how to get rings? Is getting your own ring custom made ideal, or is it acceptable to get something off the shelf? What about used and estate jewelry? Do you think it matters if your fiance knows that the ring was custom made, off the shelf, or used?

Bonus points for discussion of marriage bands (his and hers), channel stones, stones other than diamonds (either as accents or as the primary stone), whether or not diamonds are even necessary (or if CZs or other replacements for diamonds are acceptable), and what cut to use (I'm uncertain about why you'd get anything other than a brilliant round cut. Emerald and square cut diamonds look dumb to me.).

 

[Patroklos]

I bought mine this past summer for two months salary, one month after discounts I looked long and hard for. I was willing to spent up to three months.

The thing is if you are going in with price tag cues you are doing it wrong. Start with shape, size and style. Find what you want and then price shop from there.

Some advice:

1.) look for diamond size price breaks. A .98 carrot diamond is indistinguishable from a 1.02 carrot diamond but you will pay more for the latter. This can be more pronounced in some settings where a good part of the stone sides or corners are covered prongs.

2.) Clarity is important but past VSG1 or VSG2 no human eye can detect the flaws. You are just paying for some words on an appraisal document after that and since that ring will probably be buried with someone anyway. The visuals are all that matter.

Additionally where the flaws are also matters. If they are smack dab in the middle right on the top face that's a deal beaker. If they are in an extreme corner covered by a setting prong who cares. Also not all flaws are the same, some can be dark black or just a barely opaque blemish. If you can tolerate this you can save a lot of money. Any online vendor worth their salt will provide a stone diagram mapping flaws

3. ) Color works the same way as clarity, after a certain grade the bare eye can't tell anymore so just go with what looks good to you and get some more size or better setting with that money.

4.) Buy online. I went to store after store and site after site and online vendors always had better prices and selection. Unless you need something very specific you need special ordered online is the way to go (after research!)

 

[Antilogic]

Somebody's about to do something. Quick, everybody tell his GF about the threads!

I think there is some degree of flexibility here based on the couple's taste (and especially the soon-to-be-fiancée). I think the round cuts are more traditional, but if your girl likes the other shapes she might go for that.

 

[warpus]

The traditional recommendation has been one or two months salary for an engagement ring. I'm seeing some recommendations now that suggest three months salary.

How much did you pay for your engagement ring? Your answer in terms of number of weeks' salary would be more helpful than an absolute value since you could be a multi millionaire or a hobo and that $3k ring could represent any relative value of your take home pay.

Then again, maybe it would be useful to put it in absolute terms. Quite possible $3k is about the upper limit for what a reasonable person would ever pay for a ring. Or maybe you can't get a decent ring for less than $3k. I don't know.

I'm not married, but I'd rather marry someone who's with me in the whole "spending thousands of dollars for status symbols is a joke" category.

3 months of my salary for a rock? That money's going towards a downpayment or paying for our wedding.

/forever single

 

[Patroklos]

You can say that all you want ( I did), women don't care.

 

[Zelig]

You can say that all you want ( I did), women don't care.

If that's not a joke, it's pretty sexist.

 

[warpus]

You can say that all you want ( I did), women don't care.

Not all women are alike, Patroklos I don't think I could marry someone who would insist , directly or indirectly, that I blow so much money on something just so she can run off to her friends and show it off.

There are intelligent women who don't care about that and would rather invest the money in our future, and if I ever end up marrying I don't see how I could marry the materialist kind. It just doesn't sound compatible with the type of person I'd be looking for. And don't tell me that sensible women don't exist, because they certainly do.

but like I said before, /foreversingle

 

[peter grimes]

The traditional recommendation has been one or two months salary for an engagement ring. I'm seeing some recommendations now that suggest three months salary.

How much did you pay for your engagement ring? Your answer in terms of number of weeks' salary would be more helpful than an absolute value since you could be a multi millionaire or a hobo and that $3k ring could represent any relative value of your take home pay.

Then again, maybe it would be useful to put it in absolute terms. Quite possible $3k is about the upper limit for what a reasonable person would ever pay for a ring. Or maybe you can't get a decent ring for less than $3k. I don't know.

What do folks think of how to get rings? Is getting your own ring custom made ideal, or is it acceptable to get something off the shelf? What about used and estate jewelry? Do you think it matters if your fiance knows that the ring was custom made, off the shelf, or used?

Bonus points for discussion of marriage bands (his and hers), channel stones, stones other than diamonds (either as accents or as the primary stone), whether or not diamonds are even necessary (or if CZs or other replacements for diamonds are acceptable), and what cut to use (I'm uncertain about why you'd get anything other than a brilliant round cut. Emerald and square cut diamonds look dumb to me.).

I haven't read any of the other replies yet, so if this is redundant please ignore.

1: the people who advocate spending x months salary on a rock are the very same people who make their living by selling people rocks. Do you really want to perpetuate that sort of economy?

2: She and I exchanged rings years before we officially got married, and we chose the rings to be easily replaceable. We've both seen friends and family go through utter despair at the idea that a treasured family heirloom, or an extremely 'valuable' consumer bauble, went missing. We acknowledged that these sorts of misfortunes are likely to happen, and therefore we should represent our commitment to eachother with something that's replaceable - as our commitment needs to be. Things change, get it?

3: If you decide that a special rock is necessary, consider something that's actually unique. Diamonds are completely and thoroughly common. The idea that they're something special is the result of 50 years of focused PR stuff benefitting a few billionaires in Southern Africa and The Netherlands. Ditch them, read some Geology links, and find something interesting. For myself, I LOVE opals. I've bought my partner tens of grams of opals over the years. We both think they're beautiful, they're not difficult to come by, and there are usually no moral concerns with their extraction. But you may have different priorities.

4: You know your partner better than anyone else. What's most important is what she feels is most important. So disregard ALL of the above advice. Including posts above and below mine

 

[Patroklos]

If that's not a joke, it's pretty sexist.

Pedistals and whatnot, what is sexist is to assume women are immune to widespead vices endemic throughout our culture.

Research what percentage of western women have diamond engagement rings and report back to us.

There are exceptions of course, but they are called exceptions for a reason. And remember its not just women who demand a diamond ring, it's men who demand it be given. Usually it's both concurrently.

 

[mrt144]

The traditional recommendation has been one or two months salary for an engagement ring. I'm seeing some recommendations now that suggest three months salary.

How much did you pay for your engagement ring? Your answer in terms of number of weeks' salary would be more helpful than an absolute value since you could be a multi millionaire or a hobo and that $3k ring could represent any relative value of your take home pay.

Then again, maybe it would be useful to put it in absolute terms. Quite possible $3k is about the upper limit for what a reasonable person would ever pay for a ring. Or maybe you can't get a decent ring for less than $3k. I don't know.

What do folks think of how to get rings? Is getting your own ring custom made ideal, or is it acceptable to get something off the shelf? What about used and estate jewelry? Do you think it matters if your fiance knows that the ring was custom made, off the shelf, or used?

Bonus points for discussion of marriage bands (his and hers), channel stones, stones other than diamonds (either as accents or as the primary stone), whether or not diamonds are even necessary (or if CZs or other replacements for diamonds are acceptable), and what cut to use (I'm uncertain about why you'd get anything other than a brilliant round cut. Emerald and square cut diamonds look dumb to me.).

traditional as in, made up by the diamond industry. And before diamonds, sapphires were tradition.

 

[Arwon]

Not all women are alike, Patroklos I don't think I could marry someone who would insist , directly or indirectly, that I blow so much money on something just so she can run off to her friends and show it off.

Yes, this. My sister certainly didn't expect her fiance to blow such a huge amount of money and I'm pretty sure her ring had a couple of little red stones, not a diamond. It's wealth destroying and they'd just bought a house and spent a lot on a wedding. Better uses for the money.

I don't have evidence for this, but I suspect our generation are are increasingly resistant to the De Biers propaganda re diamonds and marriage, compared to older generations.

Edit: actually depending on whether the things appreciate it may not be wealth destroying. It's certainly liquidity destroying, though.

 

[mrt144]

Also, I paid 1200 for a sapphire vintage styled ring with a matching wedding band.

 

[ace99]

There you go: http://www.badalijewelry.com/tolkien.htm

You can thank me later.

 

[luiz]

It's not the diamond that scares me (I would never spend 3 wages on a diamond, and my GF doesn't care about that), but the wedding party. In Rio a regular* wedding party will set you back 100K US dollars, and my GF certainly cares about that (as do virtually all women here). Spending 100 grand so that my friends can get drunk on scotch whiskey and dance to some overpriced DJ is something to give me nightmares.

So when the day of reckoning comes I'm considering pulling a "parties are so materialistic" BS approach and propose a small ceremony on some desert beach.

*regular for an upper middle class South Zone type.

 

[Zelig]

Research what percentage of western women have diamond engagement rings and report back to us.

Well considering lone-parent and common-law couples are ~16% each, you've got a cap of about 68% at the very most, even ignoring all the "single" women.

 

[BvBPL]

While your responses are interesting, I'm really more looking for your personal experiences than advice (which I still appreciate).

1: the people who advocate spending x months salary on a rock are the very same people who make their living by selling people rocks. Do you really want to perpetuate that sort of economy?

If I had any sort of moral compulsion about the diamond business I would probably never buy any diamonds. I mean, what are my options?

1. The De Beers syndicate. Which is pretty much the people selling rocks you mention.
2. A blood diamond. Yeah, no.
3. Research diamonds and figure out a syndicate- and conflict-free diamond that I would probably need to get from Russia, that would likely be expensive, and whose quality would not be assured.

3: If you decide that a special rock is necessary, consider something that's actually unique. Diamonds are completely and thoroughly common. The idea that they're something special is the result of 50 years of focused PR stuff benefitting a few billionaires in Southern Africa and The Netherlands. Ditch them, read some Geology links, and find something interesting. For myself, I LOVE opals. I've bought my partner tens of grams of opals over the years. We both think they're beautiful, they're not difficult to come by, and there are usually no moral concerns with their extraction. But you may have different priorities.

Opals are nice, but there's no way I would ever get an opal for an engagement ring. They aren't hard enough and they aren't timeless enough (like a gemstone would be) (which is to say they are too much a slave to fashion and would look dated down the road).

Research what percentage of western women have diamond engagement rings and report back to us.

Eighty.

 

[Arwon]

Well, that's 80 per cent, of Americans, who responded to whatever survey I guess.

Google revealed this:

The study, conducted by online retailer oo.com.au, found that 70 percent of Australian women would like a great-looking engagement ring, but would prefer guys not to splash out on a really expensive rock so they can put the extra money towards saving for a house deposit or a honeymoon.

But hey that's a biased sample too. People who shop through an online retail portal are probably more sensible than average, and likely younger. Which may confirm my generation gap theory.

 

[Kennigit]

Eh a family friend of my parents lost an expensive ring in the process of proposing to his long time girlfriend.

Considering the emotional/financial attachment that can be placed on rings that quite often can get lost or end up in divorce (since like half of marriages go to that), I think it's pretty silly to spend a lot on a ring. Or the wedding itself for that matter.

 

[emzie]

Never bought an engagement ring. Our wedding bands were steel until we received white gold as a 5th anniversary gift.

 

[illram]

Pat's advice is good. I cannot personally vouch for online buying though, I bought mine in the store because I wanted to see it and walk home with it, since it was sort of the most important thing I had ever bought at the time. Anyhoo...

What matters is what you think she actually wants. Is your fiance the type that is going to expect a big fat rock? Then yeah you're going to need to spend some money, maybe get something with more flaws for more size. Is she going to not care about size but just care that you took the time to get her something special (and you have personally decided a diamond is your special thing--nothing wrong with that, I made the same decision)? Then you can go down in size and get something with less flaws but still you're going to spend 1.5-3K. If she is truly going to be whipping out the measuring tape and then seeing if you spent the "correct" amount.... then it's 3 months salary IIRC (and may God help you in your marriage...).

I understand the diamond thing, my wife said she didn't care, but I spent the money on a (modest) diamond anyway because I am sort of a traditionalist when it comes to that sort of thing and she appreciated it (and loved it when she saw it).