I dunno whether there's been a thread for Eurovision yet, but regardless, here goes. I've just watched every Eurovision entry so YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
Lena - Satellite (Germany) As catchy a paean to pathetic dependency issues as ever I've heard and seems to be channeling any number of acceptably quirky female artists from recent years... but what the hell is with the accent? I thought Germans generally had enough English education to know that our vowels are not randomly interchangeable with each other. A-
Josh Dubovie - That sounds good to me (United Kingdom) Oh hey, synthesisers. Not terrible, won't get zero. He's screwed when he hits puberty though. B-
Paula Seling & Ovi - Playing With Fire (Romania) Dual pianos, playing and singing back and forth to each other. I think they're trying to be playfully sexy, but the whole thing totally falls into the uncanny valley. C-
Niamh Kavanagh - It's For You (Ireland) Syrupy, doe-eyed wailing. All backed by horsehockey attempted "heart-tugging" strings so clichéd that they'd make Celene Dion puke with rage. Poor effort all round. Way too much research tells me this woman won in 1993. What the hell, Europe. D
Sofia Nizharadze - Shine (Georgia) "Who can ever tell the colour of a soul?" Yes, criticising Eurovision for crap lyrics is like criticising a drunk for dying of liver failure, but still. SOD OFF. D
Safura - Drip Drop (Azerbaijan) Apparently this is the betting favourite. It would be a lot better if it was sung in Turkish, partly because then nobody would understand the lyrics, but mostly because then more people would learn that Azerbaijan spoke Turkish. And that's the sort of thing I feel people should know. OK, so it's officially called "Azerbaijani" or "Azeri" and some people still use Cyrillic script and mutual intelligibility isn't 100% but, like, whatEVER. C
Alyosha - Sweet People (Ukraine) Middle-of-the-road. I guess she can yell-sing pretty good, if you're still paying attention towards the end. C
Aisha - What For? (Only Mr. God Knows Why) (Latvia) Are those ACTUAL TEARS? D
Sieneke - Ik Ben Verliefd (Sha-la-lie) (The Netherlands) The fact that this won't win illustrates everything that's wrong with Eurovision. It sounds like a kids TV show theme song and a German drinking song at the same time! Plus it's in Dutch, which is like the English language wearing a clown nose and floppy shoes! A+
Hera Björk - Je Ne Sais Quoi (Iceland) Look, I know Iceland is in a financial crisis but surely the ACTUAL Björk is still prancing around a sparkly meadow somewhere, just waiting to be taken down with a tranquiliser dart and bundled off to Oslo to sing for her freedom. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE BJÖRKS. C-
Anna Bergendahl - This Is My Life (Sweden) For some reason, she ditches the guitar after like a minute. That means I watched for a whole minute, so it's not the worst song here. Funnily enough, the guitar keeps playing after she ditches it, which means she also has MAGIC POWERS. C+
Thea Garrett - My Dream (Malta) Inoffensive but pointless. Will be surprised if it escapes the semifinal. C
3+2 - Butterflies (Belarus) I'm always curious to see what the Politburo of the last Stalinist state in Europe concocts for Eurovision each year. This time it's sort of a second-rate charity song by committee, but hey, they haven't actually done any worse than many democratic countries which selected their entries by popular vote. Maybe we wrote Communism off too quickly. Maybe. C
Vukašin Brajić - Thunder And Lightning (Bosnia & Herzegovina) Almost an honest-to-god rock song, but they overproduce it into something Evanescence would be ashamed of. It might sound better live on the night. C+
Daniel Diges - Algo Pequeñito (Spain) Wasn't this guy in Twilight? Why does he keep smirking and winking at me? Where did these mysterious and troubling sexual feelings come from? So many questions. B+
Didrik Solli-Tangen - My Heart Is Yours (Norway) A vaguely acceptable slow-paced ballad sung by a dude who can actually sing, but otherwise utterly undistinguished. A definite top ten finisher. I hate Europe. C+
SunStroke Project & Olia Tira - Run Away (Moldova) - A solid effort, the 10% of by-the-numbers eurotrash club music Sturgeon probably never anticipated. The douchebag with the saxaphone is the highlight. A
Marcin Mrozinski - Legenda (Poland) Jesus hell my ears I'm not listening to this. D-
Malcolm Lincoln - Siren (Estonia) Depeche Mode as performed by a bobble-head version of Kryten from Red Dwarf. Not as good as that probably makes it sound. C
Jessy Matador - Allez, Ola, Ole (France) I didn't like this when it was called "You know you want me" and I don't like it now. C
Milan Stankovic - Ovo Je Balkan (Serbia) A token Eurovision "traditional song", where "traditional" means "vaguely folksy strings and horns over a drum machine". Not awful. As a Youtube commenter says, "THIS IS POP SONG!" Indeed. B
maNga - We Could Be The Same (Turkey) A Turkish Dave Grohl kinda rocks out. B
Harel Skaat - Milim (Israel) A pretty decently sung ballad type thing. Worth watching just to giggle at all the awkwardly placed uvular fricatives of the Hebrew language. B+
Gjoko Taneski - Jas Ja Imam Silata (FYR Macedonia) Hey somebody's dad is a pretty decent singer. C+
Tom Dice - Me And My Guitar (Belgium) I'm not the world's most masculine guy, but this is the wussiest thing I've ever seen. John Mayer would beat this guy up and steal his lunch money. C-
Eva Rivas - Apricot Stone (Armenia) I'm not sure if Armenia rocks the ethnic vote or whether they're one of those weird little Eastern European countries all the neighbouring little Eastern European countries hate. But if it's the former, the ethnic vote and the fact that this isn't a terrible song could mean 2011 in Yarevan. B
Juliana Pasha - It's All About You (Albania) Lyrically it mines the same "creepy dependency issues" ground as Germany. Choice lyric: “I'm the one that doesn't know how to say no to you/I'm so easy.” B-
Giorgos Alkaios & Friends - OPA! (Greece) This couldn't be more Greek or more gay if it was tenderly doing you from behind with souvlaki. A
Miro - Angel Si Ti (Bulgaria) This would probably work as a Final Fantasy summon attack video, but only in one of the games where you can skip watching it. Jesus, the lead singer even looks like a protagonist from a Squaresoft game, but is at least 50% more likely to be found doing a line of cocaine off an under-age stripper. C
Feminnem - Lako Je Sve (Croatia) Four pretty Croatian women singing and looking alternatingly wounded, bored, and coy. Unfortunately it's in Croatian so I can't understand the lyrics of a song with the somewhat intriguing name, "Everything is Easy". B-
Peter Nalitch - Lost And Forgotten (Russia) - The lead singer appears to be auditioning for a part as the English teacher who all the girls have a crush on, but who turns out to be a sexual predator. Aside from that, this is a perfectly servicable folk song in the Billy Bragg sense (so no accordion or frumpy skirts). B+
Kristina - Horehronie (Slovakia) The dancers appear to have escaped from their former life as extras from The Wrath of Khan. Good for them. Wikipedia tells me that "Horehronie" translates as "Horehronie". Thanks, Wikipedia. B-
InCulto - Eastern European Funk (Lithuania) Basically Googol Bordello with god-damn kazoos. But much much worse. C-
Jon Lilygreen & The Islanders - Life Looks Better In Spring (Cyprus) Oh
off. D
Ansambel Žlindra & Kalamari - Narodnozabavni Rock (Slovenia) Another entry from the "folk song" genre, but this time it's rock, not techno, being combined with what I assume passes for traditional music in Slovenia. Also at one point I swear there's a hoe-down. C-
Michael von der Heide - Il Pleut De L'Or (Switzerland) I want to make fun of this, but I'm mainly just worried about the sustainability of this guy's heroin habit. He does not look healthy. C-
Kuunkuiskaajat - Työlki Ellää (Finland) I can't believe the country responsible for Ievan Polkka, the greatest song ever written, could produce a weirdo-folk-music thing so lacklustre. C
Chanée & N'Evergreen - In A Moment Like This (Denmark) Thought 1: Isn't this a Sting song? Thought 2: There's not enough gangsta rap in Eurovision. D+
Filipa Azevedo - Há Dias Assim (Portugal) - Portuguese remains the prettiest language in the world when sung, but this Mariah Carey impersonator is wasting it. B-
Lena - Satellite (Germany) As catchy a paean to pathetic dependency issues as ever I've heard and seems to be channeling any number of acceptably quirky female artists from recent years... but what the hell is with the accent? I thought Germans generally had enough English education to know that our vowels are not randomly interchangeable with each other. A-
Josh Dubovie - That sounds good to me (United Kingdom) Oh hey, synthesisers. Not terrible, won't get zero. He's screwed when he hits puberty though. B-
Paula Seling & Ovi - Playing With Fire (Romania) Dual pianos, playing and singing back and forth to each other. I think they're trying to be playfully sexy, but the whole thing totally falls into the uncanny valley. C-
Niamh Kavanagh - It's For You (Ireland) Syrupy, doe-eyed wailing. All backed by horsehockey attempted "heart-tugging" strings so clichéd that they'd make Celene Dion puke with rage. Poor effort all round. Way too much research tells me this woman won in 1993. What the hell, Europe. D
Sofia Nizharadze - Shine (Georgia) "Who can ever tell the colour of a soul?" Yes, criticising Eurovision for crap lyrics is like criticising a drunk for dying of liver failure, but still. SOD OFF. D
Safura - Drip Drop (Azerbaijan) Apparently this is the betting favourite. It would be a lot better if it was sung in Turkish, partly because then nobody would understand the lyrics, but mostly because then more people would learn that Azerbaijan spoke Turkish. And that's the sort of thing I feel people should know. OK, so it's officially called "Azerbaijani" or "Azeri" and some people still use Cyrillic script and mutual intelligibility isn't 100% but, like, whatEVER. C
Alyosha - Sweet People (Ukraine) Middle-of-the-road. I guess she can yell-sing pretty good, if you're still paying attention towards the end. C
Aisha - What For? (Only Mr. God Knows Why) (Latvia) Are those ACTUAL TEARS? D
Sieneke - Ik Ben Verliefd (Sha-la-lie) (The Netherlands) The fact that this won't win illustrates everything that's wrong with Eurovision. It sounds like a kids TV show theme song and a German drinking song at the same time! Plus it's in Dutch, which is like the English language wearing a clown nose and floppy shoes! A+
Hera Björk - Je Ne Sais Quoi (Iceland) Look, I know Iceland is in a financial crisis but surely the ACTUAL Björk is still prancing around a sparkly meadow somewhere, just waiting to be taken down with a tranquiliser dart and bundled off to Oslo to sing for her freedom. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE BJÖRKS. C-
Anna Bergendahl - This Is My Life (Sweden) For some reason, she ditches the guitar after like a minute. That means I watched for a whole minute, so it's not the worst song here. Funnily enough, the guitar keeps playing after she ditches it, which means she also has MAGIC POWERS. C+
Thea Garrett - My Dream (Malta) Inoffensive but pointless. Will be surprised if it escapes the semifinal. C
3+2 - Butterflies (Belarus) I'm always curious to see what the Politburo of the last Stalinist state in Europe concocts for Eurovision each year. This time it's sort of a second-rate charity song by committee, but hey, they haven't actually done any worse than many democratic countries which selected their entries by popular vote. Maybe we wrote Communism off too quickly. Maybe. C
Vukašin Brajić - Thunder And Lightning (Bosnia & Herzegovina) Almost an honest-to-god rock song, but they overproduce it into something Evanescence would be ashamed of. It might sound better live on the night. C+
Daniel Diges - Algo Pequeñito (Spain) Wasn't this guy in Twilight? Why does he keep smirking and winking at me? Where did these mysterious and troubling sexual feelings come from? So many questions. B+
Didrik Solli-Tangen - My Heart Is Yours (Norway) A vaguely acceptable slow-paced ballad sung by a dude who can actually sing, but otherwise utterly undistinguished. A definite top ten finisher. I hate Europe. C+
SunStroke Project & Olia Tira - Run Away (Moldova) - A solid effort, the 10% of by-the-numbers eurotrash club music Sturgeon probably never anticipated. The douchebag with the saxaphone is the highlight. A
Marcin Mrozinski - Legenda (Poland) Jesus hell my ears I'm not listening to this. D-
Malcolm Lincoln - Siren (Estonia) Depeche Mode as performed by a bobble-head version of Kryten from Red Dwarf. Not as good as that probably makes it sound. C
Jessy Matador - Allez, Ola, Ole (France) I didn't like this when it was called "You know you want me" and I don't like it now. C
Milan Stankovic - Ovo Je Balkan (Serbia) A token Eurovision "traditional song", where "traditional" means "vaguely folksy strings and horns over a drum machine". Not awful. As a Youtube commenter says, "THIS IS POP SONG!" Indeed. B
maNga - We Could Be The Same (Turkey) A Turkish Dave Grohl kinda rocks out. B
Harel Skaat - Milim (Israel) A pretty decently sung ballad type thing. Worth watching just to giggle at all the awkwardly placed uvular fricatives of the Hebrew language. B+
Gjoko Taneski - Jas Ja Imam Silata (FYR Macedonia) Hey somebody's dad is a pretty decent singer. C+
Tom Dice - Me And My Guitar (Belgium) I'm not the world's most masculine guy, but this is the wussiest thing I've ever seen. John Mayer would beat this guy up and steal his lunch money. C-
Eva Rivas - Apricot Stone (Armenia) I'm not sure if Armenia rocks the ethnic vote or whether they're one of those weird little Eastern European countries all the neighbouring little Eastern European countries hate. But if it's the former, the ethnic vote and the fact that this isn't a terrible song could mean 2011 in Yarevan. B
Juliana Pasha - It's All About You (Albania) Lyrically it mines the same "creepy dependency issues" ground as Germany. Choice lyric: “I'm the one that doesn't know how to say no to you/I'm so easy.” B-
Giorgos Alkaios & Friends - OPA! (Greece) This couldn't be more Greek or more gay if it was tenderly doing you from behind with souvlaki. A
Miro - Angel Si Ti (Bulgaria) This would probably work as a Final Fantasy summon attack video, but only in one of the games where you can skip watching it. Jesus, the lead singer even looks like a protagonist from a Squaresoft game, but is at least 50% more likely to be found doing a line of cocaine off an under-age stripper. C
Feminnem - Lako Je Sve (Croatia) Four pretty Croatian women singing and looking alternatingly wounded, bored, and coy. Unfortunately it's in Croatian so I can't understand the lyrics of a song with the somewhat intriguing name, "Everything is Easy". B-
Peter Nalitch - Lost And Forgotten (Russia) - The lead singer appears to be auditioning for a part as the English teacher who all the girls have a crush on, but who turns out to be a sexual predator. Aside from that, this is a perfectly servicable folk song in the Billy Bragg sense (so no accordion or frumpy skirts). B+
Kristina - Horehronie (Slovakia) The dancers appear to have escaped from their former life as extras from The Wrath of Khan. Good for them. Wikipedia tells me that "Horehronie" translates as "Horehronie". Thanks, Wikipedia. B-
InCulto - Eastern European Funk (Lithuania) Basically Googol Bordello with god-damn kazoos. But much much worse. C-
Jon Lilygreen & The Islanders - Life Looks Better In Spring (Cyprus) Oh
off. DAnsambel Žlindra & Kalamari - Narodnozabavni Rock (Slovenia) Another entry from the "folk song" genre, but this time it's rock, not techno, being combined with what I assume passes for traditional music in Slovenia. Also at one point I swear there's a hoe-down. C-
Michael von der Heide - Il Pleut De L'Or (Switzerland) I want to make fun of this, but I'm mainly just worried about the sustainability of this guy's heroin habit. He does not look healthy. C-
Kuunkuiskaajat - Työlki Ellää (Finland) I can't believe the country responsible for Ievan Polkka, the greatest song ever written, could produce a weirdo-folk-music thing so lacklustre. C
Chanée & N'Evergreen - In A Moment Like This (Denmark) Thought 1: Isn't this a Sting song? Thought 2: There's not enough gangsta rap in Eurovision. D+
Filipa Azevedo - Há Dias Assim (Portugal) - Portuguese remains the prettiest language in the world when sung, but this Mariah Carey impersonator is wasting it. B-
I have no idea. Apparently, she's trying to imitate some english slang accent, but I fail to determine which. At least it's not your typical german accent 
yeah, he's like that 
. I like it because it so very non-German and very un-Brits-pretending-to-be-nazis-in-a-movie and I don't really care about it being somewhat close to being accurate. it's just fun. good enough for me.
