How long should you date before you get married?

You should abosofreaking lootley date somebody for at least X before getting engaged.

  • Total voters
    132
Syterion said:
I don't understand why you'd spend a long time cohabiting before marriage. Isn't the willingness to cohabitate imply that you intend to marry them, and are making a huge commitment since you are entangling each other in your lives? As far as I can see if you need such a waiting period to see if you want to get married after cohabitation, you should not have moved in so quickly. The only thing that appears to be the difference between marriage and cohabitation is the legal ramifications, and that should be subordinate, right?

I say 6 months is enough. If you know the person you know the person.
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Of course not. Marriage is not the goal of every relationship. Marriage and cohabitation do not need to go hand in hand.

Also:

"Cohabiting to test a relationship turns out to be associated with the most problems in relationships," Rhoades said. "Perhaps if a person is feeling a need to test the relationship, he or she already knows some important information about how a relationship may go over time."
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these aren't exactly the best people to measure commitment with.
 
Of course not. Marriage is not the goal of every relationship. Marriage and cohabitation do not need to go hand in hand.
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Yeah, but I view cohabitation as pretty much the same level of commitment as marriage. So if you want to cohabitate but not marry you are roughly at the same level as fiancees. And marriage and cohabitation don't need to be together, but I would say that's quite rare and I really don't know how to think about it.
You would be amazed how blind you can be to a person even after 6 months. You'll get to know a person in the context of 6 months--which for most people is a very stable time frame. But get someone in another context and it's amazing what kind of different personalities can emerge.

And that doesn't begin to address how much projecting and infatuation you're still doing/feeling at that point. Heck if things are going well you're still in butterfly land. The kind of love you need for a marriage is not butterfly love.
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Yeah people can change a lot. By 6 months I mean that is the minimum to truly know someone, and that means you have to spend a really large percentage of those months together, and it has to be meaningful time spent together.

As for "butterfly love," I kind of do want that in a marriage. I don't want to settle for someone I can tolerate and not fight with and vaguely prefer their preference. I want true intimacy, someone who actually inspires love. It may come at a cost of stability but I'm ok with that.
 
Syterion said:
Yeah, but I view cohabitation as pretty much the same level of commitment as marriage. So if you want to cohabitate but not marry you are roughly at the same level as fiancees. And marriage and cohabitation don't need to be together, but I would say that's quite rare and I really don't know how to think about it.
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Well, it's cool if that's your view. That doesn't necessarily apply to everyone else, though. :)
 
Never - I lived with my ex-girlfriend for 6 years and can't tell you how glad I am that we didn't marry.
 
Well, it's cool if that's your view. That doesn't necessarily apply to everyone else, though.
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I know, but my point was that my view is more correct. ;) Seriously, people downplay the importance of living together, that's an enormous step. All marriage adds on that is a contract, which if the relationship is what matters, shouldn't be too important.
 
Syterion said:
I know, but my point was that my view is more correct. ;) Seriously, people downplay the importance of living together, that's an enormous step. All marriage adds on that is a contract, which if the relationship is what matters, shouldn't be too important.
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But the relationship may not be like you expect it to be. If its nature before marriage is not like that of engagement, then no, marriage isn't some kind of natural progression. I can easily imagine several situations in which a couple could live together where marriage would not be appropriate. Living together is an enormous step to you. Sexual activity is an enormous step to some folks. Both are tiny steps to other folks.

My point is just that you're generalizing way too much about a lot of different possibilities. Marriage doesn't always make sense where cohabitation does.
 
Marriage makes sense for tax, religious or citizenship purposes. A relationship doesn't require marriage.
 
I think that 5 years is the time everyone should date before marriage (if they really want to get married, of course).
 
Syterion said:
Yeah, but I view cohabitation as pretty much the same level of commitment as marriage. So if you want to cohabitate but not marry you are roughly at the same level as fiancees.
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Well shoot I didn't know I was so committed to so many men!

Syterion said:
Yeah people can change a lot. By 6 months I mean that is the minimum to truly know someone, and that means you have to spend a really large percentage of those months together, and it has to be meaningful time spent together.

As for "butterfly love," I kind of do want that in a marriage. I don't want to settle for someone I can tolerate and not fight with and vaguely prefer their preference. I want true intimacy, someone who actually inspires love. It may come at a cost of stability but I'm ok with that.
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Agreed with your first point, but your second point to me we're either speaking of two different things or one of us is woefully inexperienced (which I admit could be me because I've never had a relationship go longer than just under a year). You're definitely right about everything you said want, except for that whole cost of instability bit (it's not the instability that's the problem, it's many of issues that can cause the instability, particularly toxic personalities)--but true intimacy and deep love and a strong sexual relationship all way outlast the months to a year or maybe two that butterfly love can last. While one kind of love is a combination of spiritual, social, and biochemical, the other is purely biochemical (and very powerful), and can be quite misleading. Useful for reproduction and ensuring for the care of new offspring, but terribly inadequate for telling you for whom to commit a lifetime of togetherness.
 
gangleri2001 said:
I think that 5 years is the time everyone should date before marriage (if they really want to get married, of course).
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Agreed if you mean dating in general, disagree if you mean one person specifically.
 
I meant one person specifically. C'mon, marriage is meant to be something serious!
 
gangleri2001 said:
I meant one person specifically. C'mon, marriage is meant to be something serious!
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Marriage is very serious! But really once you are mature enough to be married, regardless of the person, and you spend a couple emotionally intimate years getting to know someone, you can definitely make the decision to get married without extra years of going out.
 
The slightly more scientific answers is: more than 2 years.

The attraction to a person lasts aslong as high levels of dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin are released in your brain. This state may occasionally last a bit longer than 2 years.

If you still really like somebody enough to marry after that, you'll probably have a genuine affection for the person and not for the love drug.
 
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