"It's not love, it's infatuation"

[Perfection]

When you're infatuated you don't actually know the person that is the target of your affections. It's a form of love, yes, but a love of a idealized concept of another not a love of them as they really are.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

When you decide to get married, I highly recommend marrying someone you just met. Marriage will change them anyway, so there is no advantage in knowing the unmarried version very well and if you really loved that unmarried version you will probably miss them.

Interesting contrast to the advice my mom's mother gave me once. She'd asked if I had a current boyfriend, then said that if I was considering marriage, I should live with the guy first - find out what I was getting into, before getting into legalities that would be harder to undo if the relationship didn't work out. I think that advice was coming from the fact that not one of her daughters' first marriages worked out (and in some cases none of them did).

 

[Kennigit]

Once again, these issues are all resolved if we start using XOR in everyday speech

Is it love XOR infatuation?

Because I think what farmboy described is a good distinction. I would call it romantic love followed by committed love

 

[BvBPL]

I would have thought that Hygro would identify as Gen X, not a Millennial. Of course that would mean that Slack is Love, which is something SubGeniuses already know.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

Interesting contrast to the advice my mom's mother gave me once. She'd asked if I had a current boyfriend, then said that if I was considering marriage, I should live with the guy first - find out what I was getting into, before getting into legalities that would be harder to undo if the relationship didn't work out. I think that advice was coming from the fact that not one of her daughters' first marriages worked out (and in some cases none of them did).

That's seemingly sound, except I have seen a whole lot of happily living together couple screw it up by getting married. There's also a problem if you really test out what it is like to be married, for example my sister once bought a house jointly with a guy she was living with, then when you split up you have all the complications of a divorce without having access to the impartial referee of a court to keep things from being just a brawl.

 

[Gori the Grey]

Infatuation is when you can't stop thinking of the other person.

And love is when you can't stop thinking of the other person.

For my formulation, I'll adapt this, as follows:

Infatuation is when you can't stop thinking of the other person.

Love is when you always keep the other person in mind.

 

[Traitorfish]

It is if you want to distinguish it from infatuation.

That's getting a bit Schroedinger's cat, isn't it? Or are you suggesting that infatuation develops into love over time?

When you're infatuated you don't actually know the person that is the target of your affections. It's a form of love, yes, but a love of a idealized concept of another not a love of them as they really are.

Ah, so we should change the definition of "patriotism" to "infatuation with one's country"?

Still, there's something to that, affection for the idea of a thing versus affection for the thing itself. Problem I see is, do we ever encounter the thing itself, or does our idea of the thing just become deeper and more complex, until we can no longer distinguish it from the thing itself? If that was so, it would suggest that infatuation and love is a matter of degree rather than kind, that we can't take about false infatuation versus real love, but only against shallowly-grounded affection versus deeply-grounded affection.

 

[sophie]

That's getting a bit Schroedinger's cat, isn't it?

This is precisely what I was getting at.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

That's seemingly sound, except I have seen a whole lot of happily living together couple screw it up by getting married. There's also a problem if you really test out what it is like to be married, for example my sister once bought a house jointly with a guy she was living with, then when you split up you have all the complications of a divorce without having access to the impartial referee of a court to keep things from being just a brawl.

I have to admit, it really surprised me that I was getting such advice from one of my grandmothers. It also surprised my mom and my aunt when I told them what she'd said. But I'm reasonably sure that my grandmother didn't want to see me go through what my mom and her sisters did. In my mom's case, she married at 16 (not a shotgun wedding; I wasn't born for another 3 years!), and my aunt has been a devout churchgoer for most of her life. Neither of them would have lived with their first husbands before marriage.

And it's true that cohabitation still can't prepare one for all the things that might go wrong. A few weeks after my mom and stepfather's 24th anniversary he finally admitted he'd been seeing another woman (20 years younger) and he wanted a divorce so he could marry her. So they divorced and my mom babysat the dog while her ex and his new wife went on their honeymoon.

As for my situation... my mom wanted grandchildren. She wouldn't shut up about it. For years. Even after I turned 40, she kept yakking about grandchildren. The merest mention of a guy friend had her immediately asking if it was serious. Friends have tried to play matchmaker, and when we realized what was going on we immediately decided to have a frank talk about it. We concluded that the friendship was too important to risk messing it up if we took the relationship further and it went wrong. That was nearly 20 years ago, and I think it was a good decision.

 

[Sommerswerd]

I distinguish love from infatuation by defining love as a verb rather than a noun. So infatuation is that lubby-dubby, stomach churning feeling, and the "I can't stop thinking about them" thing.

Love is the actions you take to benefit/care for that person, to demonstrate the depth of your feeling or as a result of your feelings. Sacrificing your desires, goals, dreams, needs in favor of theirs is loving them.

Ooops my wife is calling I'd better get that...

 

[Lohrenswald]

I distinguish love from infatuation by defining love as a verb rather than a noun.

That sounds very silly.
Love is totally a noun (like oh my gosh really).

 

[Timsup2nothin]

I have to admit, it really surprised me that I was getting such advice from one of my grandmothers. It also surprised my mom and my aunt when I told them what she'd said. But I'm reasonably sure that my grandmother didn't want to see me go through what my mom and her sisters did. In my mom's case, she married at 16 (not a shotgun wedding; I wasn't born for another 3 years!), and my aunt has been a devout churchgoer for most of her life. Neither of them would have lived with their first husbands before marriage.

And it's true that cohabitation still can't prepare one for all the things that might go wrong. A few weeks after my mom and stepfather's 24th anniversary he finally admitted he'd been seeing another woman (20 years younger) and he wanted a divorce so he could marry her. So they divorced and my mom babysat the dog while her ex and his new wife went on their honeymoon.

As for my situation... my mom wanted grandchildren. She wouldn't shut up about it. For years. Even after I turned 40, she kept yakking about grandchildren. The merest mention of a guy friend had her immediately asking if it was serious. Friends have tried to play matchmaker, and when we realized what was going on we immediately decided to have a frank talk about it. We concluded that the friendship was too important to risk messing it up if we took the relationship further and it went wrong. That was nearly 20 years ago, and I think it was a good decision.

Mothers usually pass on the same advice they got. Grandmothers can usually see that it doesn't work. That's why mothers want grandchildren, so that they can try again.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Mothers usually pass on the same advice they got. Grandmothers can usually see that it doesn't work. That's why mothers want grandchildren, so that they can try again.

In a lot of cases, you're probably right about that. But in my case, what was particularly surprising to me was that the advice was coming from the grandmother I wasn't close to, and I wouldn't have thought actually cared one way or the other. I knew how my dad's mother would have reacted to such a suggestion - she'd have flipped out and forbidden me to leave the house.

I'm fairly sure my mom's mother wouldn't have been anxious for grandchildren right away, since my mom was just 16 (17 the next day, but still young enough to have needed her parents' permission to marry) and my dad was 25. But my mom wanting to try again - you're spot on with that assessment. My mother was disappointed with how I turned out, and she never passed up the chance to let me know that. Why she would think I'd ever let a kid of mine near her if I'd had any is beyond me. Sure, I'd have trusted her to put food on the table, but not to refrain from hitting the kid if it misbehaved. She couldn't understand why my cats didn't want to be in the same room with her, so I told her flat-out, "Mom, they know you don't like them."

 

[Birdjaguar]

Love is a continuum and the degree that you are willing to sacrifice your needs and wants for the needs and wants of your beloved moves you along it. It applies across every aspect of human relationships.

 

[Narz]

Love evolves & deepens in time.

Little kids who think they're in love are idiots & are indeed infatuated for the most part. Their love is hardly equivalent of someone who's been married for 20 years & dealt with money issues, infidelity issues, crazy family members, raising kids, changing hormones, disease, disability, drama of all sorts & still stuck it out. It's little league love & deserves scorn. Love that whines when held up to scorn is no love at all.

"Falling in love" is as easy as rubbing one out & just as meaningful. Sexting with your little crush is cute & all but putting up with a crazy fellow human year after year thru thick & thin, sickness & health now thats love.

Note : I'm not condoning marriage necessarily but commitment is a necessary part of love & until you're at least a few years in you have no idea what commitment is.

 

[Narz]

Love is a continuum and the degree that you are willing to sacrifice your needs and wants for the needs and wants of your beloved moves you along it. It applies across every aspect of human relationships.

Sacrifice is overrated. If you have to constantly sacrifice you need a better partner. One who shares your desires. Obviously some sacrifice & compromise is necessary but if you find yourself constantly needing to sacrifice better get out while the getting is good unless she's really hot.

 

[JollyRoger]

Link to video.

 

[Crime Doesn't Pay]

I do not trust emotion especially strong emotion.

I avoid use of the word love because of it's nebulous and ambiguity; it is too often conflated with infatuation.

No wonder I am single.

 

[Rashiminos]

The dopamine is, too.

 

[Crime Doesn't Pay]

The dopamine is, too.

What is this in response to?