Rant: Time to pay for all those raves earlier this month.
I seem to have done a fantastic job destroying all my friendships. I'm in a poor mood, so I try to talk or socialize with them, it doesn't improve, they see me as a dour person not worthy of doing things with, which only destroys my mood even more. After a while I felt like I was dragging them into stuff they didn't want to do, so I stopped messaging them regularly to see if they would reach out and want to do things with me. It took almost a week before anyone even said anything to me, confirming my fears. Only got together through someone else and I think I ruined it again with my terrible mood.
I've tried to hint at it before but I don't think they picked up on it. Nor would they, it's not like them. I don't have anyone to confide in or talk to anymore. Try reaching out to old friends only to be ignored. Nobody wants anything to do with me. Once I stop forcing my close friends to interact with me, it all just stops and it makes everything worse. Petty things depress me and I lack motivation to do anything while I'm just waiting and watching everything go on without me.
I think I'm a terrible person and I'm only just now realizing it. How long have I been dragging these people along and sucking the joy out of everything? Why do I feel entitled to their attention or care? Why do I get jealous of missing out.
How am I supposed to go on and have meaningful relationships for the rest of my life if I'm so childish.
I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm rambling and I'm going to regret posting this come tomorrow. Little petty things are slowly destroying anything meaningful in my life because I'm haven't matured one bit.
Have I gone too heavy for this thread? I don't have anyone else to dump on, and I hate beating you people up about it since it happens in waves like every few weeks. It's just hit me hard and I have no unbiased perception of how much damage it is causing. From my view, everything is in ruins and the realization only makes it worse. My friends on the other hand may just see it as one of my bad moods and write it off as something that will pass.
But even that lack of empathy hurts me.