Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[JohannaK]

I boost CivCube's morale with a radio broadcasted power ballad.

 

[CivCube]

 

[GenMarshall]

I apply first aid to restore my health to full and stop the bleeding!

 

[Omega124]

I sit patiently for my timeslot >:C

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Scanning for additional hostiles...

2 (3): While passing over Somalia, your EKNC sensors go wild; Mogadishu has been taken over by the Ghost Writer, notorious anarcho-capitalist! Looks like you'll have another boss to take out...
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (9): You're peppered by anti-aircraft fire for 10 damage, but not badly enough to divert your course.

I boost CivCube's morale with a radio broadcasted power ballad.

2 (6): He can't hear through flak!

I apply first aid to restore my health to full and stop the bleeding!

14: You stabilize the wound and recover 25 hitpoints while Frank continues to scrap.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (16): Slapping Cruz like a witch, Frank deals 15 damage and a 3-turn combat penalty from sheer embarrassment.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (8): Ted retaliates with a clumsy strike inflicting 7 damage.

I sit patiently for my timeslot >:C

9 (8): You twitch and fidget in impatient agitation.

Lesser men would be dead by now, but hendo has a magic talisman.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (9): hendo fends off Christos' second attempt at stealing the Horse Talisman, suffering 8 damage.

SOL 740 makes another pass at the 17th.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (15): A direct hit on the central column deals 21 damage.

The Eternal Kingdom moves to annex Nepal.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9: No matter how hard you try, driving tanks through the Himalayas is pretty much a wasted effort. The Cuban expedition tries to consolidate its advantage by invading Jamaica.
ROLL TO DODGE!
The island falls under Monarchist oppression.
Jamaica has been defeated by the EKNC!
Desperate for a break, George's stooges set their sights on Réunion.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (18): The island falls, and bolstered by their momentum the invasion fleet presses on to the remaining Mascarene Islands. Running on a high of chauvinist patriarchal imperialism, the South African cell gains a +3 bonus to its next attack!
Mauritius has been defeated by the EKNC!
Position now exposed, the Ghost Writer launches an aggressive deregulation campaign across the rest of Somalia.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20: Absorbing local warlords into the totally-Invisible-Hand-driven determinism of the free market, all but Somaliland falls to the monarchist conspiracy, while neighbour countries lose 2 Defence from the shock.

​

 

[CivCube]

Continuing my course to President George, I scratch my butt.

 

[JohannaK]

I write a propaganda song to demoralise all EKNC forces across the globe.

 

[Omega124]

I sit slightly less patiently now.

 

[GenMarshall]

I call upon Bernie Sanders to aid us in weakening Ted Cruz.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Continuing my course to President George, I scratch my butt.

6 (7): Your asymmetrical profile impacts your lift, bringing your altitude low enough for ground defences to get a bearing.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (20): You take the opportunity to strafe the front-line troops and whip them into a panic, negating George's cell's attack bonus this round!

I write a propaganda song to demoralise all EKNC forces across the globe.

13 (17): The venomously satirical "Heil to the Chief" is a major hit with resistance movements, penalizing all offensives by the Eternal Kingdom by -2 for five turns.

I sit slightly less patiently now.

13 (14): One of the interns takes notice and, not wanting to get on the pointy end of your sword, suggests that maybe the channel staff should bump you up a couple slots.

I call upon Bernie Sanders to aid us in weakening Ted Cruz.

12: He's not onboard the ship so there's not a lot he can do now, but with the Bluecapes having stumped the Trump, you consider picking him up next time you're in Vermont.

Frank continues to tussle with Cruz.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (13): Teaching Ted about the ancient Eastern spiritual practice of jujitsu, he enlightens 14 hitpoints beyond this mortal realm. Cruz, however, remains decidedly unenlightened.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (14): Ted starts speaking in tongues, confusing Drebbin long enough to get a strike in for 12 damage.

Realizing you can't heal what's not physically attached, Christos tries to saw off hendo's right hand!
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1): Making a tasteless pun, Christos steal's Hendo's deagle along with 20 hitpoints. Since all his other guns are assault rifles, hendo can't use his firearms bonus!

SOL 740 sets its sights on the 4th Division.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (7): It scrambles for cover before the weapon can get a lock.

The Eternal Kingdom muscles in on Bhutan.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (5): The rival kingdom has had plenty of time to prepare, raising 1 Defence. George's cell moves to finish off Swaziland ONES AND FOR ALL
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (13): Another country falls to the Monarchist virus.
Swaziland has been defeated by the EKNC!
Back in America, Cruz's forces launch a crusade against those heathen Mor(m)ons.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (3): Turns out Mitt Romney's not a total write-off yet as a determined counterattack fortifies Nevada and Utah 2 points. The Somali piratesENTREPRENEURS launch a hostile takeover of Ethiopia.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (13): The Somali Region is amalgamated into the Eternal Korporate Empire.

​

 

[JohannaK]

I support CivG and Frank by orbital bombarding Ted Cruz. Otherwise, his forces.

 

[Omega124]

I get ready for my grand speech, which should be soooooooon :3

 

[CivCube]

I commence firing at George and his cell!

 

[GenMarshall]

Frank and I flank Ted to nip off chunks of his health.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I support CivG and Frank by orbital bombarding Ted Cruz. Otherwise, his forces.

1 (1): Oh, you bombard Cruz alright; trouble is he and CG are currently in the same spaceship. The Mike Pence takes a devastating beating, suffering -31% shields and -17% armour, before factoring in the concussive force of getting knocked about.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (11): CivGeneral manages to stay standing.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (19): Carefully calculating the trajectory of various bodies in motion, Frank strategically positions himself for maximum effectiveness in his attack this turn, gaining a +3 bonus!
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (8): Cruz slips and slides on this banana peel into 16 damage.

I get ready for my grand speech, which should be soooooooon :3

10 (11): "Live in five, four..." *counts down*

I commence firing at George and his cell!

19 (20): Bringing all weapons to bear, you burst into his headquarters and unleash a murderous salvo worth 38 damage, inflicting gaping wounds that bleed out by -6 hitpoints per turn! He's so startled that he suffers a -3 attack penalty for the next 3 turns.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (19): You effortlessly rebuff his pathetic attack, kicking him across the room for a further 17 damage.

Frank and I flank Ted to nip off chunks of his health.

2 (1): You slip and slide on the actual banana peel, careening straight into him for 11 damage. In the ensuing struggle, he binds you with your own handcuffs, preventing you from using your weapons and impeding all hand-based actions -4 points! That said, you've given Frank ample chance for AO.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (19): Frank beats him up something nasty, inflicting 20 damage and several cuts and bruises that lower Ted's basic defence 2 points. Brushing you aside, the senator moves to retaliate.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (17): Catching him off-balance, Frank throws him into a bulkhead for another 17 damage.

hendo continues his one-man jihad in the belly of the beast.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (1): Unable to properly engage nor defend himself, hendo is cut down by Christos.
You could not do it. You could not kill the King.
Christos Xinjiang loots hendo's $366, Lucky Charm, AK-47s, FAMAS F1s, RPK, hand grenades, and the Horse Talisman!

SOL 740 locks on to the 52nd.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (12): Chasing after the soldiers, the beam inflicts 14 damage.

The main Monarchist army forgoes its attack to launch its nuke at the USS Space Oddity!!!
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (7): The shields manage to absorb the brunt of EMP damage, but effectiveness is reduced 21% and hull integrity suffers by 14%.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (14): The USS Mike Pence is safely shielded from the fallout. George's forces opt to trap CivCube by expanding their South African zone of control.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (1): With headquarters thrown into disarray, the resisting armies press their advantage, driving back the invaders and toughening South African defence +3 points. The American insurgents turn back to Mexico.
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (14): Tearing Down the Wall, the invaders consolidate their western flank, seizing three border provinces. Elsewhere the lie-Bert-aryans apply Chicago School-economic restructuring to the remainder of Somalia.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (7): Unable to overcome the growth-strangling statism of so-called Somaliland, the monarchists are powerless to stop the region improving Defence by 1.

​

 

[Omega124]

I give a speech from the bottom of my heart, calling for a Great Patriotic War against the EKNC and Trump

 

[JohannaK]

I rally my crew to repair the ship to the best of our abilities.

 

[CivCube]

Continuing to fire at all and sundry, I begin the assimilation process for George and download all information. From his braaaaiiiin

 

[GenMarshall]

Full of rage, I use the handcuffs to choke Ted

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I give a speech from the bottom of my heart, calling for a Great Patriotic War against the EKNC and Trump

10 (11): Doubling down for the cause, Namibia's Defence rating now protects against attacks from the USA.

I rally my crew to repair the ship to the best of our abilities.

10 (11): Shielding is restored 12%.

Continuing to fire at all and sundry, I begin the assimilation process for George and download all information. From his braaaaiiiin

7 (15): Thrusting into his chest, you begin assimilating George at a rate of 10 hitpoints per turn under the same rules as before. George, of course, tries to resist.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (13): You pin him against the wall, preventing his escape.

Full of rage, I use the handcuffs to choke Ted

16 (12): Looping the chain over his head you catch him by the throat, strangling 5 hitpoints each turn you maintain your position. Frank takes the opportunity to exploit Cruz's weakened state.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (5): Spinning about, Cruz makes him hit you instead for 8 damage.

SOL 740 recalibrates to strike the 80th.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (1): You know the routine by now. The unit tricks the laser into carving out a corridor for an assault into Mongolia, to the tune of -3 Defence!

"ALL YOUR MONGOL ARE BELONG TO ME!!" cries the Mad King as his forces bear down on the country.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (16): The hordes finally break through the front, seizing the capital and pushing survivors into a strip along the Russian border. With Blackwater crushed, Mongolia loses 2 Defence. Cruz's forces launch an incursion into the US heartland.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (10): It's racists states' rights vs racists State's right as the South locks into stalemate. All the President's Men follow with an invasion of northern Madagascar.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (17): The Eternal Kingdom completes the enslavement of the Malagasy, improving its flanking bonus against the mainland and sapping 2 Defence from Mozambique and Comoros.
Madagascar has been defeated by the EKNC!
The Ghost Writer invades Kenya, aiming to link up with George's forces.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (12): The North Eastern Province is forced open for business.

​