The Official Chuck Norris Thread

[eastsidebagel]

After my fairly disasterous attempt by creating a thread about guidos in the OT forum I thouroughly thought about a topic on which we could all agree upon: The awesomeness of Chuck Norris. He is mentioned in nearly every sacred scripture around the world (but you gotta believe if you wanna see the patterns, though) and is foresseen by every major prophet since around Abe's time. Or do you think differently?, reasoning of your opinion would be nice too.

 

[Fëanor]

Carlos seems like a nice guy, though i find his views on evolution and homosexuality quite disturbing. But i doubt thats a proper topic for a H&J thread

So...

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

[eastsidebagel]

So far, there seems to be a positive general impression about Chuck, as far as I can see it in the poll. But who the f*ck voted for the 3rd opinion? Free speech my ass!

 

[eastsidebagel]

01
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take . .. .. .. . from anybody.
10
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

 

[Firestorm94]

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.

 

[eastsidebagel]

The most stupid thing ever done by a man was telling to Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicking isn't the best way of kicking people. No witnesses were left to tell what happened after that.

 

[Kennigit]

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, he pushes the earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his balls, as hair can't grow on steel.

 

[Mise]

Happy New Year 2005!

 

[Kennigit]

^^

for internet memes:

http://xkcd.com/286/

 

[eastsidebagel]

There are constantly 6 Chuck Norris doubles scattered around the world guarding the world peace. In the unlikely occurence that one of them dies, there is held a top-secret-tournament in the Himalaya to choose the next guy for this task. Just the man who wins in the disciplines jackhammer-throwing, bull-riding and walking through molten titanium gets the job.
Recording a typical Chuck Norris in slowmotion reveals that first he rapes his victim in the butt, then is seen smoking a cigarette with Jesus and just after that is roundhouse kicking the guy in the face.
There was a who-got-the-most-testicles-contest attended by Chuck Norris and Mike Tyson. Chuck Norris won by five.
If Chuck Norris would be a jew, then all the conspiracies about Jewish world domination would be 100% truth.
Children fear the darkness, because they can't see if Chuck Norris is approaching them or not.
Chuck Norris knows where Waldo is.
Chuck Norris is the alleged son of an ancient Chinese master of all kinds of martial arts and the Holy Mary. A man who has been showing doubt about that story got answered by Chuck Norris who roundhouse kicked that guy to ashes.

 

[holy king]

The most stupid thing ever done by a man was telling to Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicking isn't the best way of kicking people. No witnesses were left to tell what happened after that.

i like the "this is considered as the single most stupid thing ever done in the history of mankind by most historians" ending more.

 

[Catharsis]

Chuck Norris beats rock, paper and scissors.

Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck Norris.

 

[Gooblah]

Chuck Norris sucks balls harder than Paris Hilton.

 

[Bigfoot3814]

Chuck Norris doesn't eat Skittles, he tastes the rainbow.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I thought the First Rule of Chuck Norris was you don't talk about Chuck Norris..?

 

[Bllasae]

I thought the First Rule of Chuck Norris was you don't talk about Chuck Norris..?

That's Fight Club.

 

[eastsidebagel]

Chuck Norris sucks balls harder than Paris Hilton.

Now I gotcha! You voted for the 3rd opinion! I have my eyes on your back, kid!

@holy king: Ich konnte mich nicht an das richtige Ende erinnern! (For all non-germanspeakers:This is pure evil, racist, hateloaded slander!!)

 

[Faramel]

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

 

[eastsidebagel]

That's my fav:
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

[Firestorm94]

Atheists don't believe in Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris rose Jesus from the dead.