The very many questions-not-worth-their-own-thread question thread XXXI

[Hygro]

That's surprisingly insightful (probably more so than everything said on this thread combined) but I already know most of it. My problem is that I just don't know how to physically find girls. Tell me where to find people I have a lot in common with, point me in the direction to walk, and I'll go.

How soon do you relocate to school?

 

[Mouthwash]

I don't think there's a person on the planet this hasn't happened to.

I can't think of a time I argued with someone IRL and they came away thinking "wow, that guy is smart and/or interesting."

I'm going to ask: What do you consider to be an "intellectual thing"? Is it politics? Science? Literature?

I'd take pretty much anything like that. I don't like sports, gossip or jokes.

I was thinking of the Chapters/Starbucks combination that we have in one of the shopping districts here. These places aren't really big and I don't really care for Starbucks myself (not a coffee & muffin person), but for those who are, it's nice to get a snack and go sit by the fireplace in the store's lounge area. They allow people to sit and read, and sometimes there are book club activities or author signings there.

Israeli bookstores, even the bigger ones, are about the size of an average living room. Worse than that, there's no real culture of sitting down to read. Some stores don't even allow it.

This is in Canada; I assume that such places exist in the U.S. But do you mean that your library has no social area at all - that it's all books and tables and computers?

It's a university library. My local library is deserted most of the time and there are hardly any English books anyway.

How soon do you relocate to school?

A year or three. I'm going to the army first, so it's best to focus on that. (The IDF is very tolerant of dating because its soldiers are drafted.)

 

[Hygro]

So over the next many years you're going to be in good environments. No rush. You can use this time to internalize the philosophy/frame you want to bring with you, such as believing you're fully viable, having outcome independence aka being cool with rejection and unshaken by success. When you start doing it for real, and with conviction, your mental internalization and your actions will merge and you will get the babes.

 

[sophie]

That's surprisingly insightful (probably more so than everything said on this thread combined)

Mang, why do I even bother?

 

[Mouthwash]

It was extremely long and dense, if that makes you feel better. You gave some good advice.

 

[Lohrenswald]

That's surprisingly insightful (probably more so than everything said on this thread combined)

Mang, why do I even bother?

It was very dense and very long, if that makes you feel better. I think you gave some good advice.

From meat thread:

That's literally a recipe for scurvy.

Aaaand the argument-free mockery commences.

I wonder with whom the problem lies

 

[Mouthwash]

I've spent the last two pages responding in detail to the advice so I don't see why you're complaining.

 

[Synobun]

I've spent the last two pages responding in detail to the advice so I don't see why you're complaining.

The majority of the detail can often be condensed into "nah" and "I don't wanna". It's tough to want to help you especially when you openly admit to designing a scenario with no winning answer. Stop Kobayashi Maru'ing yourself.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

That's surprisingly insightful (probably more so than everything said on this thread combined) but I already know most of it. My problem is that I just don't know how to physically find girls. Tell me where to find people I have a lot in common with, point me in the direction to walk, and I'll go.

Mang, why do I even bother?

*sigh*

Okay, here's a tip for RL conversation (and forum conversation): When people take the time and effort to compose thoughtful replies to your questions (or, in RL, answer your questions) - and Owen's posts have been excellent - at least say "thank you." You don't have to do anything we've suggested, but it would be nice if you didn't just dismiss it so bluntly. We wouldn't take the time if we didn't want to help.

I can't think of a time I argued with someone IRL and they came away thinking "wow, that guy is smart and/or interesting."

But conversation and arguments aren't the same thing.

I'd take pretty much anything like that. I don't like sports, gossip or jokes.

If you were in North America, I'd suggest attending a smaller science fiction convention (not Comic Con). The ones I went to usually had between 300-800 people, the guests of honor were authors, editors, and artists, as well as a few others, depending on programming (one year we had Dr. Phil Currie, from the Tyrrell Museum of Paleontology). At events like that there are plenty of opportunities to find interesting conversations to jump into and people willing to talk about pretty much anything.

Since you're not in North America and I know next to nothing about what things are like in Israel, I guess there's not much more I can offer.

Israeli bookstores, even the bigger ones, are about the size of an average living room. Worse than that, there's no real culture of sitting down to read. Some stores don't even allow it.

I can see that they don't want people to just read and not buy. My response to that is "how will I know if I want to buy it if I don't skim a paragraph here and there to see if it's any good?". Chapters likely doesn't mind people sitting and reading, because by the time the customer has gone that far into the store, they're probably seriously interested in buying something.

It's a university library. My local library is deserted most of the time and there are hardly any English books anyway.

That's a shame. But are there no other public places where people go just to hang out, where you might meet some young women?

 

[sophie]

It was extremely long and dense, if that makes you feel better. You gave some good advice.

Frankly, based on my interactions with you over the years, if you really want people to come talk with you and stick around, I would say learning some manners, and not being a cold, dismissive dick to anybody who isn't immediately useful to you would be a good place to start.

 

[Mouthwash]

*sigh*

Okay, here's a tip for RL conversation (and forum conversation): When people take the time and effort to compose thoughtful replies to your questions (or, in RL, answer your questions) - and Owen's posts have been excellent - at least say "thank you." You don't have to do anything we've suggested, but it would be nice if you didn't just dismiss it so bluntly. We wouldn't take the time if we didn't want to help.

Here's a tip for online conversation- give people the benefit of the doubt when they act weird or rudely. I make these posts over a matter of hours or days and during that period my mood and exhaustion level can change hugely. IRL you can follow the tone of conversation, pick up on body language, etc.

Nowhere in this thread have I set out to be callous or dismissive. I'm just trying to give the best feedback I can, which is that a lot of the advice I'm receiving isn't helpful for my particular situation. I do appreciate your efforts, okay?

If you were in North America, I'd suggest attending a smaller science fiction convention (not Comic Con). The ones I went to usually had between 300-800 people, the guests of honor were authors, editors, and artists, as well as a few others, depending on programming (one year we had Dr. Phil Currie, from the Tyrrell Museum of Paleontology). At events like that there are plenty of opportunities to find interesting conversations to jump into and people willing to talk about pretty much anything.

I will try it if I ever get an opportunity... but I assume that most of the people at sci-fi conventions are men. Perhaps you are a smidge biased here?

That's a shame. But are there no other public places where people go just to hang out, where you might meet some young women?

Yeah, I've been in a nightclub. It's not something I want to revisit. Since I can't speak the language that well I'm rather out of touch with Israeli dating culture.

Frankly, based on my interactions with you over the years, if you really want people to come talk with you and stick around, I would say learning some manners, and not being a cold, dismissive dick to anybody who isn't immediately useful to you would be a good place to start.

Not being a pompous white knight who shoves advice down people's throats while assuming this will cause them to recognize you as a wise and kindhearted person who knows what's best for them might help elicit less cold, dismissive dickishness towards you.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Here's a tip for online conversation- give people the benefit of the doubt when they act weird or rudely. I make these posts over a matter of hours or days and during that period my mood and exhaustion level can vary widely. IRL you can follow the tone of conversation, pick up on body language, etc.

Mouthwash, I know that people have reasons for what moods they're in. Sometimes I'm in a terrible mood from just having come here from reading the Canadian newsfeed I get. But please realize that "please" and "thank you" are useful things to say even when you're in a bad mood and not having a good day.

If you don't find Owen's advice helpful, all you needed to say was "Thank you, but that doesn't apply to my situation." (or however you would phrase that)

Nowhere in this thread have I set out to be callous or dismissive. I'm just trying to give the best feedback I can, which is that a lot of the advice I'm receiving isn't helpful for my particular situation. I do appreciate your efforts, okay?

Thank you for letting me know. I don't do this for people unless I think they're worth the effort.

I will try it if I ever get an opportunity... but I assume that most of the people at sci-fi conventions are men. Perhaps you are a smidge biased here?

Why would I be biased? And why assume that SF conventions are mostly men (I'm guessing you are thinking something like 90% men and 10% women)? I'm not sure how old you are, but I get the impression that I'm probably more than twice your age. I have many reasons for attending SF conventions, but picking up guys has never been one of them. Yes, I've met some nice guys, smart guys (most of them are both nice and smart), and add interesting as well. We've had conversations ranging from minutiae of TV shows to physics, history, literature, politics, music, and so on. Some of them did become friends. But the same can be said for meeting women. There's someone I've been friends with for over 30 years... and it happened because both of us were waiting for the elevator, she was wearing a Doctor Who scarf, I said, "I like your scarf," and the conversation continued. A couple of hours later my roommates and I were invited to her house to watch Doctor Who videos. That little group of people are still friends.

So you never know how things will turn out unless you take that first step.

A ratio largely favoring men over women at conventions may be the case in the overly large commercial conventions in the U.S. but it's not the case at the ones I described. I've been on a concom (convention committee) myself, and honestly, there were more women than men (for that matter the SCA group I was in had 1 man and over half a dozen women; my gaming group and the local Star Trek club were similar). And while I've never taken a census of the conventions here in Alberta, I'd guesstimate that at least 40% of the attendees were women - very few of whom were just there as "arm decoration" for the guy they were with. The group of people I was with consisted mostly of single women (one was married, and her husband joined us some years, and sometimes he didn't). There were three guys in our group - they didn't always attend every year.

The difference between the conventions I'm talking about and the ones that get mentioned on social media and on TV is that the conventions I'm used to are focused on writing, publishing, editing, art, and discussion. No actors. One of the writer guests said that he was impressed that the science fiction community in this region is so focused on writing and other aspects of publishing, instead of the flashy costumes and special effects TV/movie stuff. So whatever you're imagining that I'm talking about when I say that a science fiction convention would likely be a place where you could meet women who have compatible interests, I think you're a bit off the mark. In my experience, there were few women you could engage in conversation at these events who wouldn't have intelligent opinions on serious topics, as well as a sense of humor about less-serious topics.

 

[Takhisis]

Mouthwash, Owen's posts are worth the while. Take your time reading them.

Or right handed soldiers who's right hand is injured or otherwise occupied.....

Read above, we went off onto general prevalence of left-handedness.

What is the green card? It still offers to me in ads.

Permanent residence in the US. It's the document you need if you want to stay living in the US and are not a citizen.

 

[Farm Boy]

When you ask for advice, or drum up a conversation, a certain amount of good grace is expected and required in order to earn a second look assuming you got a first one. Troubling, I noticed the phrase "giggly airhead." Ditch that. Then ditch the attitude that made you think it in the first place. Many of the best people out there have social anxiety and don't know what to say to people they don't know, or don't know very well. Having the "words fly out of your head" is going to make some people look, and act, like what? Giggly airheads. It's a good defense mechanism. Particularly for girls because it's non-confrontational and positive/encouraging enough to keep the interaction going for a time. Confrontational interactions with guys that you don't know well are scary.

 

[Synobun]

Not being a pompous white knight who shoves advice down people's throats while assuming this will cause them to recognize you as a wise and kindhearted person who knows what's best for them might help elicit less cold, dismissive dickishness towards you.

Not a single word of advice Owen gave you was pompous or the symptom of a white knight. Nor did he shove it down your throat. You... you asked. You specifically asked, and he answered...?

I disagree with Owen on a lot of things, but past grievances or disagreements are not really good enough to discredit everything a person says. I can only imagine it's a past experience with Owen that's making you say something so false and, well, insulting. His advice was good. The best part about the advice is that you can adapt it to your scenario (that can't be won). Maybe you can Kirk it.

 

[Flying Pig]

Moderator Action: Let's move on to a new question, please.

 

[warpus]

Why do moths have powdery wings?

 

[Farm Boy]

To sicken you with their Satan dust. Moths are gross.

 

[Synobun]

Why do moths have powdery wings?

It's not actually powder. It's hair.

 

[Farm Boy]

That's worse.