Sorry for the lack of updates. I was sick for a week and I've been busy with online classes.
Chapter XV: Here Today, Gone Tomato
So Sillyman continued the war with Ethiopia, bombing everything that could be bombed. When the air force ran out of lead bombs, they resorted to shoveling sand into the bombers' compartments and releasing it above Ethiopian cities. The number of shoes filled with sand and pebbles were indescribable, the average Ethiopian couldn't walk five feet without having to take of his shoe and shake the sand out. Naturally, stress and depression levels skyrocketed.
In the year 1968, the ICBM was completed. Apart from having an acronym no one could define, this was a unique invention in warfare. Sillyman decided to save it for future use. The weapon was slender and pointy, some of Sillyman's favorite characteristics, and guided by a light on top known as a Rudolph. Sillyman ordered a mass production of these WMDs, weapons of moderate dilemma. Fast food restaurants stopped production of soy burgers (Muslims don't eat beef, silly) to construct WMDs. Sillyman was rather shocked when he heard they had access to products involved in the creation of ICBMs, but then he remembered the last burger he eat was glowing a darker shade of green than last time.
Americans conquered Mombasa in 1968. Although Kenyans were now technically US citizens, Republicans would deny this for over 40 years...
Ottoman merchants came across a great economic strategy. If bankers charged one billion percent interest, they could make a giant profit. This idea was put into play in banks all over the Empire.
Sillyman forgot he was still at war with the backwater of the planet, the Mongols. Ottoman fighters were flying to go on a picnic in Iranian oil fields when Mongolian "My Little Keshik" planes swooped out of no where and began shooting the dirt and sand on the ground. Actually, they were probably trying to shoot Ottoman and oil wells, but they were such bad aim so who could tell? Fortunately, they weren't able to shoot any oil fields, but when the Ottomans shot down the planes... Occasionally they crashed into an oil pool. Occasionally. Needless to say, Iranian oil production went down that year.
The Ottoman Empire was declared the second most cultured empire in the world. They were behind the once mogul Mughals and ahead of the United Socialist States of America, ruled by an infamous Kenyan immigrant...
Sillyman received a red card one fine January eve and it was obvious what was about to happen. An international congress. Sillyman decided to go, although he knew the Italians would bribe everyone to vote for their desires. But Sillyman brought with him a remote with one red button just in case anything was to go awry...
By 1973, the Mongols agreed to sign a treaty with the Ottomans. Neither side really want to fight the other. And Khan^3 was a pretty cool guy. (Get it?)
Espionage reached in all time high as Ottoman cultural items were smuggled into Krakow such as onions, magic carpets, and extreme poverty.
And so began the Congress of Ishafan. Sillyman smiled. What could possibly go wrong?
Sillyman lost it. He screamed about how Italian pizza sucked and they could even construct a building perpendicular to the ground. He caressed the red button he held under the table. Soon enough, soon enough... But the city would not be ceded to Italy.
The one good thing that came out of the congress was Stalin was denied Trabzon. Between Ottoman and Russian oppression, the world decided the former was the best option.
In fact, even Iranian oppression was better than Russian oppression.
Of course, the Ottomans didn't get their unpronounceable city back. Oh well. Sillyman smiled.
"Cavour?" he asked, "I really hope you'll reconsider."
"Ha!" he scoffed, as he devoured spaghetti with one hand and poured vino cotto on himself with the other. "In your dreams! And in my nightmares."
"Then I'm afraid this is but a nightmare of yours or a dream of mine. Maybe you'll wake up when my nuclear warhead mauls your city!"