What would you add to an ancient holy text?

[Blue Emu]

Thou shalt think for thyself.

 

[stormerne]

A "Best before" date.

 

[Angst]

Make a commandment:

Thou shalt not kill

This will prevent all the needless bloodshed caused by religion.

When a man named Skwink is born, make him your king and give him all your money.

Ugh, beat me to it!

 

[ParkCungHee]

I'd staple the complete run of THE INCREDIBLE HERCULES to the end of the Odyssey.

 

[Tee Kay]

Thou shalt think for thyself.

"Come, Kalamas. Do not go upon what has been acquired by repeated hearing; nor upon tradition; nor upon rumor; nor upon what is in a scripture; nor upon surmise; nor upon an axiom; nor upon specious reasoning; nor upon a bias towards a notion that has been pondered over; nor upon another's seeming ability; nor upon the consideration, 'The monk is our teacher.' Kalamas, when you yourselves know: 'These things are good; these things are not blamable; these things are praised by the wise; undertaken and observed, these things lead to benefit and happiness,' enter on and abide in them.

 

[G-Max]

Can I completely scrap and rewrite the entire text if I want to? Like, could I just go back 6,000 years and replace the entirety of Judaism with a new religion based on the Transformers mythology?

Genesis 1:1 "Millions of years ago, on the planet Cybertron..."

 

[Miles Teg]

Well I guess I'd have to integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Fortunately there are apparently eleven or so inherent metaphoric parallels already there, so it can't be too hard.

 

[Birdjaguar]

I'd probably insert web links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3iFhLdWjqc

Just think of the possibilities....The right link in the right place would be quite amazing.

 

[choxorn]

Thou Shalt Not Kill. No, really, don't. This doesn't mean "Thou Shalt Not Kill, except teh gay" or "Thou Shalt Kill Everyone that does not accept this book as the truth" or "Thou Shalt Not Kill, except for that guy that cut you off in traffic."

And since nobody has done this yet:

"And then the Lord Sid spake, 'Let there be Civilization' and there was Civilization."

"And the Lord spake to Thunderfall his commandments:

1. 'Thou Shalt Play One More Turn'
2. 'Thou Shalt Honor and keep holy the Game Release Dates'
3. 'Thou Shalt Not Have False Non-Civ Things Before Thee'
4. 'Thou Shalt Smacketh Apolyton'
5. 'Thou Shalt Take Thy Spear and Plunge It Into Thy Enemy's Tank"
7. 'Thou Shalt Not Mention That There Is No Sixth Commandment'
8. 'Thou Shalt Not Trust An Aztec With Nukes'
9. 'Respect Thy Game Disk, Thy Computer, and Thy Fellow CFC'ers'
10. 'Thou Shalt Covet Thy Neighbor's Wonders and Resources. No, That Is Not a Typo.'"

 

[Valka D'Ur]

I'd add the following at the end of each and every one of them:

DISCLAIMER: What you have just read is a load of BS. Occasional moments of truth should only be interpreted as coincidental, as this book is the compilation of multiple Stone Age men with Stone Age morality and Stone Age reason and science. Keep on a high shelf away from children the clergy and politicians, as it has the tendency to produce arrogance and hypocrisy.

Edited that for you.

Insert at random points references to internet memes...you know, god didn't speak via a burning bush, but rather through a cat, and the paraoh said to the jews that all their bases are belong to him.

Just replace the Old and New Testaments with the Lolcat Bible. And make sure to replace the notion of "heaven" with Rainbow Bridge, where humans and their beloved animal companions will be reunited after death.

Skip the part about Basement Cat, though, since I have never bought into the notion that black cats are evil.

I'd probably insert web links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3iFhLdWjqc

Just think of the possibilities....The right link in the right place would be quite amazing.

Especially when you consider that Bronze-Age people had no 'Net access...

Thou Shalt Not Kill. No, really, don't. This doesn't mean "Thou Shalt Not Kill, except teh gay" or "Thou Shalt Kill Everyone that does not accept this book as the truth" or "Thou Shalt Not Kill, except for that guy that cut you off in traffic."

Excellent!

Also:

Thou shalt not rape.

Thou shalt not steal.

Thou shalt not lie.

Thou shalt not be a hypocrite.

Thou shalt honor all members of thy family.

If Thou art a Man, Thou should always ask for directions if Thou ever becomes Lost.

Thou should beware of visions gained from Burning Bushes, as they are likely the result of inhaling toxic fumes.

(I could think of lots more...)

 

[G-Max]

5. 'Thou Shalt Take Thy Spear and Plunge It Into Thy Enemy's Tank"

That sounds so naughty...

 

[aronnax]

"Thou shalt take everything with a pinch of salt"

Thousands of years later...

Far-right Protestant Church and Jewish Orthodox groups band together in protest against heart disease clinics which offer consultations for low-diet lifestyles. Pastor Henry of the Church of Lighhouse Path declared that: "It is far better in God's eyes for man to die from a heart attack caused by high salt uptake then for secularists to deny them forgiveness, by subverting Christian values of a pinch of salt".

 

[G-Max]

Excessive salt intake doesn't cause heart disease. The worst possible side effect is potassium deficiency.

 

[GenjiKhan]

If there's evidence that I don't exist,then all you read on this book is crappy,but until there,thou shall not burn the heretics which claim against the existence of all the other gods,including me(heretics which claim against just my existence must burn in hell) .

 

[Heretic_Cata]

I'd add the lyrics from this in the Bible

Link to video.

 

[warpus]

I would take the part out of the Torah where it's not okay to eat bacon. Repeat with the Koran..

 

[choxorn]

The Koran's prohibition of bacon is based on it also being prohibited in Judaism. Take the one out of the Torah and it will be out of the Koran too.

 

[Flying Pig]

Excessive salt intake doesn't cause heart disease

It does, however, increase the blood pressure, which causes heart attacks.