*This is Armenian Radio.*
Our listeners asked us, "Will people have money when communism is built?"
We're answering: "Some will, some will not."
Our listeners asked us, "Is it possible to build communism in America?"
We're answering: "It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?"
Our listeners asked us, "When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?"
We're answering: "No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism."
Question: What if socialism were built in Greenland?
Answer: First snow would become available only through ration cards, and later snow would be distributed only to the KGB officers and their families.
Question to Radio Yerevan: Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?
Answer: In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and fourth he didn't win it, but rather it was stolen from him.
"Hello, Radio Yerevan?
Yes.
Yesterday I was listening to a very interesting political discussion on your station, but today I can barely hear you. What is wrong?
Today we are airing from Siberia."
"Yesterday, on the Soviet-Chinese border, Chinese soldiers disguised as peasants opened fire on a peaceful Soviet tractor. Our tractor returned fire, neutralized the intruders, and flew away... According to the statement of General-Lieutenant Ivanov, the head of the collective farm to which the tractor belonged, plows, planters and a VTOL combination harvester 'Niva' will be used to repel any further aggression attempts."
"Radio Yerevan kindly informs its listeners: Our chief editor used to live right across the street to county prison. Since late last week he works right across the road from his home."
Q: "Is it allowed to criticize the communist party?"
A: "In principle, yes. But it's not very comfortable to live in Siberia."
Q: "Is it possible to drive at 70 mph on a russian highway?"
A: "In principle, yes. But, so far, nobody has survived that experience"
Q: "Is there any censorship of the media in the Soviet Union?"
A: "In principle, no. But we're not allowed to talk about the details here."
Q: Is there a difference between capitalism and communism?
A: In principle, yes. In capitalism, man exploits man. In communism, it's the exact opposite.
Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?
A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Q: Is it true that the poet Vladimir Mayakovsky committed suicide?
A: Yes, it is true, and even the record of his very last words is preserved: "Don't shoot, comrades."
Q: Why is there no flour in the market?
A: Because they began adding it to the bread.
Q: Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?
A: In principle, yes. Five years ago one of our listeners was not convinced of this, so he was sent to investigate. He seems to have liked it so much that he hasn't returned yet.
Q: What is chaos?
A: We do not comment on national economics.
Q: Is it true that half of the Central Committee of the Communist Party are idiots?
A: It is not true. Half of them are not idiots.
Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both guarantee freedom of speech.
A: In principle yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.
Q: Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?
A: We don't answer questions related to agriculture.
Q: What was permanent in the USSR?
A: Temporary difficulties.
Q: What methods do our enemies use in their subversive work against the socialist state?
A: Such questions we discuss in our program "Useful Advice."
Q: What is permitted and what is prohibited?
A: In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited. In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited. In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted. In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited. In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.
Q: What is a one word joke?
A: Communism.
Q: What is the longest joke?
A: The speech made by Khrushchev at the Party congress.
Q: Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?
A: Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.
Q: Why have Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents been exiled from the country?
A: Don't you know that the best products are always selected for export?
Q: When will the economic situation become better?
A: Better? It was better already.
Q: What has changed in our justice system since the death of Stalin?
A: It has become prohibited to shoot down the defendant before the announcement of the verdict.
Q: Is it true that Russian U-boats hold the record for extended submersion?
A: In principle, yes. Two of them have been on the bottom since 1957.
Q: How come Canada and the U.S. can sell us so much wheat?
A: The fault lies with the catastrophic capitalist overproduction.
Q: What is the difference between socialism and capitalism?
A: Capitalism makes social mistakes, while socialism makes capital mistakes.
Q: Can we pride ourselves with an exceptional achievement in Soviet agriculture?
A: In principle yes, we plant the crops and afterwards we receive the harvest from Canada.
Q: Is it true Comrade Mikulin got 20 years in Siberia from libel on calling Leonid Brezhnev an idiot?
A: No. The sentence from libel was six months. The 19 years 6 months were from leaking out a national secret.
Q: Is it true Mikulin was freed soon after that?
A: Yes. After Premier Brezhnev's speech in United Nations his condition ceased to be a national secret.
Q: What should we do if the USA hits us with nuclear missiles?
A: Everybody must put on white shrouds and creep towards the nearest cemetery, very slowly.
Q: How do you know a death certificate has been made out by a Soviet doctor?
A: The signature is under 'cause of death'.
Q: Why did the Soviets invade Czechoslovakia?
A: To find the person who invited them.
Q: When will they leave?
A: Once they find him.
Q: What is the difference between the dollar and the ruble?
A: The dollar is backed gold (used to), while tanks back the ruble.
Q: Would it be possible that one would have shot Nikita Khrushchev instead of JFK?
A: In principle yes, but it is questionable whether Onassis would have taken the widow...
Q: How can I overcome the fear from a dentist?
A: Think of it as the only place you can open your mouth freely.
Q: How long will it take still to reach socialism?
A: Eighteen kilometers. Each Five Year Plan takes us one step closer to socialism.
Q: What is the principal difference between capitalism and communism?
A: Lenin said "Communism is the Soviet regime plus electricity in the whole country". Therefore the difference is the same as between a chair and an electric chair.
Q: With whom does the Soviet Union share borders?
A: With whoever it wants!
Q: What would happen if Russia invaded Sahara?
A: After 2-3 years they will start importing sand.
Q: What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?
A: The English fairy tale start with "Once upon a time...., and ours with "It will be soon..."
Q: How does a smart Bulgarian talk with a stupid Bulgarian?
A: By phone from Canada.
Q: Is it possible to set up socialism in Monaco?
A: No. Such a great disaster does not fit in such a small country.
Q: Why isn't Finland yet a Communist country?
A: Do we really hate the Finns so much?
Q: Why did the Kremlin staff again visit Finland?
A: To learn how to live in unison with a grand eastern neighbour.
Q: Why do the Chinese shoot cats?
A: For counterrevolutionary provocation. They refused to say "Mao!", saying instead "Meow!".
Q: Which is the largest country in the world?
A: Cuba. Its intelligentsia is in Florida, government in Moscow, grain fields in Ukraine and graveyards in Angola.
Q: Is it true that communism appears now clearly at the horizon?
A: In principle, yes. According to definition, the horizon is an imaginary line which recedes in the distance as we try to approach it.
In Ceausescu's times, a line is forming around the street's corner. A man passing by sees it and asks the last one in line: "What do they sell here?" "I have no idea", he replies, "go ask someone ahead". The man goes to the middle of the line and asks another person: "What do they sell here?" "I have no idea", the answer comes and he is sent farther ahead to seek for an answer. The man goes straight to the first person in line and asks him: "What do they sell here?" The other one answers: "Nothing, I just felt sick and took support on this wall." "Well then, why are you still here?", the man asked. "Because I've never been the first in such a long line", the answer came.
An American reporter is interviewing a Russian citizen:
- Why is it that so few Russians have their own cars?
- Well we don't really need them.
- Then how do you go to the grocery store?
- By bike, of course.
- What about going to work?
- By bus.
- Ok, ok. But what about going to another city?
- Why, by train.
- Well what if you need to go to another country??
- By tank.
Two people working on the Danube Channel (La Canal).
-How long are you in for?
-Fifteen years.
-What did you do?
-Me? Nothing.
-Eh, you are kidding, everybody knows that for nothing one gets only ten years.
After the particularily harsh winter 1984/1985, during which the Romanians had to endure cold homes and food shortages, Ceausescu held a press conference for foreign journalists.
One reporter: - We have a lot of information on an energy crisis that has affected Romania during this winter and which caused, among other problem, a shortage of warm water and heating in the homes. What has caused this and what measures have been taken? Ceausescu: - Yes, it is true, we had a lot of problems during the winter because the huge quantity of snow blocked the rail lines and the coal trains could not get to the power plants. We had to reduce the amount of energy used for heating in order to keep the industry running, but nobody died of freezing.
Another reporter: - We have heared that there are food shortages in Romania and that much food is exported in order to pay Romania's foreign debt. What can you say about this?
Ceausescu: - Yes, it is true, we have certain obligations to fulfill and this means that we have to export food and this causes shortages,, but nobody has died of starvation.
A third reporter: - Mister Ceausescu, when you saw that both cold and starvation have failed, why didn't you try nerve gas?
A Georgian gets on a plane flight to Moscow. In the middle of the flight, another passenger pulls out a gun and demands the pilot fly to Paris. The Georgian jumps him, beats him silly, and announces "This plane flies to Moscow, as planned." When he lands, he is awarded a Hero of the Soviet Union medal. After the ceremony, the KGB interrogates him. "Tell us the truth, why did you really stop the hijacking?" The Georgian replies "There was no way I could have sold the oranges I was smuggling in Paris!"
The KGB, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
A man in Russia saves up all his money to buy a car. It takes him years. Eventually he has enough saved and he goes down to his local Lada dealer. He pays his money and asks when he can collect his car.
Salesman: You can collect it in 1998.
Buyer: What month?
Salesman: April..
Buyer: What date?
Salesman: The 22nd.
Buyer: Morning or Afternoon?
Salesman: (getting annoyed) What difference does it make, it's 5 years away.
Buyer: But the plumber is coming in the morning ......
A man walks into a grocery store with a notebook. "Do you have sausage?" "No." He makes a note. "Bread?" "No." He makes another note. "20 years ago, they would have shot you for making notes like that," says a woman waiting in line. "No bullets either," he writes.
Four dogs -- Mexican, British, Polish, Russian -- are discussing their lives. The American dog says, "the servants used to leave meat out for me, but now I have to bark for it." The British dog says, "you have servants in America?" The Polish dog says, "they feed you meat?" The Russian dog says, "they let you bark?"
Why do KGB men always come in threes? One to write a report, one to read it, and one to check up on the 2 intellectuals.
