18 Civs; the Aztec Version

[Pacifist46]

1814AD​

And this turn it’s Frederick
FREDERICK: I, Frederick, greet the wise and . . .
MONTEZUMA: You’re fooling nobody. Cut to it.
FREDERICK: OK. Give me Electricity.
MONTEZUMA: Nope. Glad you bothered coming?
FREDERICK: I must warn you, Montezuma, that your decision may cause serious diplomatic fallout.
MONTEZUMA: Since when have I cared about diplomacy? Everyone hates me, pretty much. I’m only Friendly with Cyrus.
FREDERICK: I really have no idea how your empire got so big with you at the helm, Montezuma.
MONTEZUMA: Was that a compliment?
(Frederick exits)
POPOL: Not quite.
YUCA: I get frustrated.
MONTEZUMA: Why?
YUCA: I stuck here, attack on Niani is getting worse. Now a complete hash. We lose many units.
MONTEZUMA: I told you, Yuca, we need your expertise here now, to train the new Infantry.
YUCA: Come on, just for this attack let me go to NIani. Otherwise we will fail.
MONTEZUMA: Oh, alright then. But be back next turn.
YUCA: Count on it. (Yuca exits)
MONTEZUMA: Stupid fly-blown piece of s***e that Niani is any way. I sure ain’t keeping it.

 

[Pacifist46]

1816AD​

But Yuca doesn’t come back
MONTEZUMA: Oh . . . s**t.
POPOL: It wasn’t your fault sire.
MONTEZUMA: It was! It was! I shouldn’t have let him go. (puts head in hands)
AXA: Come on sire, we can maybe get a literate military advisor now.
MONTEZUMA: I can’t believe it. Yuca! Gone!
POPOL: How could you have known that a stray Malinese arrow would go straight through his eye? No-one could have predicted. Anyway, he should have taken his helmet.
MONTEZUMA: That’s my fault as well! I wouldn’t let him take it because . . . because . . . oh, I WAS USING IT AS A TOILET! (starts sobbing).
AXA: Right. I must have heard that wrong, but I’m not going to ask, just in case.
POPOL: Come on sire! It’s time like this that the Empire needs confident leadership, and even if your leadership is horrendous, at least you’re always confident in yourself.
AXA: Arrogant, some would call it.
MONTEZUMA: (gradually stops crying) You’re right, Popol. I’m going over to Mali right now and FINISHING THOSE BASTARDS! I’ll leave you two to rule whilst I’m gone. And I suppose you should appoint a new military advisor.
POPOL: Good call, sire.
MONTEZUMA: (smiles weakly) Thanks, Popol. (Montezuma exits)
AXA: Wow, I didn’t know he was capable of feeling such . . . emotion.
POPOL: Even if he does seem like an idiot most of the time, you gotta remember, he’s our founder, an Aztec through and through, and he cares the most about the Empire. Don’t worry, he’ll be back to normal soon, after he’s killed some Africans.
AXA: I hope so. It’s too much of a shock. So anyway, what about this new military advisor?
POPOL: Hmm. I think it’s time we got a little . . . female influence on this team.

 

[Pacifist46]

1818AD​

Montezuma returns
POPOL: Congratulations sire. The men say your courage in leading the charge ultimately crushed the Malinese morale!
MONTEZUMA: Hell yeah. VENGEANCE! AXA: So you razed Niani?
MONTEZUMA: AND Walata. The Malinese are now deader than a dodo. It felt good, doing it for Yuca.
AXA: Ah, yes, we did appoint a new military advisor.
MONTEZUMA: Really? I don’t see him.
(Suddenly the doors fly open, revealing a silhouette)
SILHOUETTE: Her, you mean.
(the silhouette moves forward, revealing an elegant lady. She walks in and takes a seat)
POPOL: Sire, may I introduce Miss Vera Cruz. She’s from Madrid, descended from the ex-Spanish queen herself.
MONTEZUMA: F**k . . . me.
AXA: See! I told you he was sexist, Popol.
MONTEZUMA: You are hot! Popol! Quick, make a new law that lets the King have multiple wives!
VERA: You’re gonna have to earn my love, honey. It takes more than a little empire to impress me.
MONTEZUMA: I’ll do whatever you want, babe!
AXA: OK, that didn’t sound good.
MONTEZUMA: Ahem, sorry for that. What makes you think you can be just as good a military advisor as Yuca, Vera?
VERA: I’m from the continent, so I have experience of life over there. I know how the Romans like to fight, and what types of German troops are best at fighting. And I know the true size of Qin’s army.
MONTEZUMA: So do I, apparently it’s 10 times as big as mine. Pretty hard-core, really.
VERA: Did it not occur to you that he was exaggerating?
MONTEZUMA: Yes, he told me it was 100 times the Aztec army’s size. Always divide rumours by ten, there’s a lesson for you miss.
VERA: (sighs) I can see I have my work cut out.
POPOL: Oh, I think you’ll actually find it much easier than us to . . . influence our lord.
MONTEZUMA: Anyway, my first job is to go and make peace with Cathers, so I’ll see you guys next time. (Montezuma exits)
VERA: OK, down to business anyway. Our next stop is the desert cities of North Egypt. I can’t believe Hatshepsut is still a free state, that can’t last long.
AXA: And I have a GS to play with, I think he’ll go in Washington for his Academy.
VERA: Sure?
AXA: Erm, yes, thank you.
(Meanwhile, Montezuma arrives in the Russian capital, Malinalco.
MONTEZUMA: Man, this place is cold. Guess that’s because Cathers is so cold-hearted.
(enters palace, interrupting Russian meeting)
CATHERINE: Remarkable: a politician even I won’t sleep with.
MONTEZUMA: The funniest bit about that is you actually said it on the game.
CATHERINE: Vy ‘ave you come, Montezuma?
MONTEZUMA: To let you make peace.
CATHERINE: You mean, to let me let you beg for peace.
MONTEZUMA: Nope. Pay up.
CATHERINE: Oh fine. Here’s ze deal.
MONTEZUMA: Yes! I mean, I accept.
CATHERINE: Zen vy are you still ‘ere?
MONTEZUMA: I’m not. (exits)
CATHERINE: RIGHT. Anna, build up our military, and FAST!

 

[Pacifist46]

1820AD​

Hatshepsut offers this deal ahead of time
HATSHEPSUT: Montezuma, please save Egypt from the terrors of the Chinese, in return for my everlasting fealty. Please?
MONTEZUMA: Hmm. That’s a hard one actually. Erm . . . no, not this turn.
HATSHEPSUT: What? I was sure you’d agree!
MONTEZUMA: Just wait. You’ll be my vassal soon enough.

 

[Pacifist46]

1824AD​

Industrialism is completed
VERA: We can now build Marines, and once we have Railroad and then Combustion, Tanks!
MONTEZUMA: And what is Hattie still defending her cities with? Longbows. Pathetic.

 

[Pacifist46]

1828AD​

And the troops are gathered outside Egypt
VERA: Please, declare war on Egypt for me Monty honey.
MONTEZUMA: Of course! Whatever! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(the trumpet sounds, and Hatshepsut rides out to the Aztec party)
HATSHEPSUT: So this is what you meant, Montezuma. You’re less trustworthy than that Spaniard you hired.
MONTEZUMA: What?
HATSHEPSUT: Oh come on. Everyone knows that the Spanish only look out for themselves. Everyone on this continent, anyway.
MONTEZUMA: Well I say you’re lying, and trying to spread discord among my army. And I may not have trust, but I’m very worthy.
HATSHEPSUT: Suit yourself. (rides off)
MONTEZUMA: Ha! That’s one job done. Now I have to make sure she doesn’t capitulate to Qin in the meantime. I’ll bribe him to make peace.
POPOL: What about Japan?
MONTEZUMA: No-one will ever capitulate to Japan. Come on!
(Montezuma travels to Beijing, where he is greeted by Qin himself)
MONTEZUMA: I’ve got something for you, Qin.
QIN: Is it your fealty and undying service in the name of China?
MONTEZUMA: Don’t be greedy. Actually, I was wondering if you would make peace with the Egyptians, and I’m willing to pay.
QIN: OOH! How much?
MONTEZUMA: How much do you want.
QIN: Erm . . . just Liberalism will be fine, thanks.
MONTEZUMA: Cool. There you go, then.
QIN: Cheers, Montezuma, it appears I may have misjudged you. I thought you a stingy and idiotic bastard at first.
MONTEZUMA: Goodbye. (Qin exits)
MONTEZUMA: Man, Qin sure is a good judge of character.

 

[Pacifist46]

1832AD​

The Empire has Byblos!
VERA: The subscript said it all, honey.
MONTEZUMA: Well done Vera! Your first mission is a success! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1834AD​

The Arab visits again
MONTEZUMA: Popol, I told you to keep beggars out of my palace!
SALADIN: I am no beggar, I am the rich and glorious Saladin of Arabia!
MONTEZUMA: Alright, so what do you want?
SALADIN: Come help us against the Russians.
MONTEZUMA: See! I knew you were a beggar. Always begging for stuff. You never change.
SALADIN: I do change. And I shower every day too, unlike you, Montezuma.
MONTEZUMA: And when I do shower, it’s in a fountain of blood! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

[Pacifist46]

1840AD​

Catherine visits
CATHERINE: I see you didn’t help ze Arabs, so zat must mean you’re on our side, yes?
MONTEZUMA: No, it means I’m staying out of a war for once.
CATHERINE: Ha! Good one, Montezuma.
MONTEZUMA: No, really, I’m not getting into some puny squabble between Russia and Arabia.
CATHERINE: Suit yourself. (Catherine exits)
MONTEZUMA: FINALLY! Now I can show you guys the location of my new city, Tlalmanalco!
VERA: But you promised you would call it Vera Cruz, babe.
MONTEZUMA: I’m thinking of renaming Tenochtitlan Vera Cruz, actually.
AXA: Gaah! That name is historically and culturally important!
POPOL: Yeah, and why not rename Tlatelolco Campeche while you’re at it.
MONTEZUMA: Guys! You still haven’t commented on the brilliance of my new city!
POPOL: (takes a look) What is that? You’re just having fun now, aren’t you, settling in as remote a place you can find!
MONTEZUMA: Actually, it’s the only place up there that can work a few tiles, like that lake, that forest and that silver.
AXA: It looks kind of cool actually.
MONTEZUMA: And when I get round to it, how about a city 2N 3W?

 

[Pacifist46]

1842AD​

The fall of Elephantine proves fatal for the Egyptians’ independence thoughts
HATSHEPSUT: Alright, Montezuma, you proved your point, I’ll join you.
MONTEZUMA: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Good choice.
HATSHEPSUT: My only choice. (Hatshepsut exits)
MONTEZUMA: So, Vera honey, who next?
VERA: It’s a hard one actually. Cyrus and his vassal Louis are mainly the ones blocking your way now. You could declare on him I suppose.
AXA: But then you’d lose your only friend.
MONTEZUMA: Yeah. What about Rome? Or England? Or even Japan, hell knows Tokugawa deserves it. We’ve gotta make the right choice here
POPOL: Hmm. This’ll be tricky.
To be continued . . .

 

[DroopyTofu]

This story is getting better and better. Somehow I know Vera has something up her sleeve. Why else would she try to get Monty to DoW on Cyrus. Can't wait for a new update Pacifist!

EDIT: Just in case any of my friends over here care, I have been inspired to start my own story. See the link in my sig.

 

[Harry Potter52]

OOOOHHHH Nice update
Yuca replaced by very good advisor
I like this even more

 

[Pacifist46]

Somehow I know Vera has something up her sleeve.

You may be right!

 

[Patricman]

wow, this is getting pretty exciting! I wonder if Monty's attitude is going to gradually change, and by the end he is actually normal. Keep it up!

 

[Harry Potter52]

Pacifist, you are deepening the mystery...

 

[Pacifist46]

Have just played the next 25 turns, and this game is getting insane!
If you want a quick preview about the next part without any crucial details, read the spoiler.

Spoiler :

I have been declared on by 6 civs. And I have taken 2 AI capitals, but lost one that I already held. In fact, I lost more cities than I gained in this segment.

 

[DroopyTofu]

Now I really can't wait for an update!!!!! Monty is gonna be sooooo mad!

Just a thought, did Vera Cruz have any thing to do with it??? Hmmmmm? I wonder?

 

[Harry Potter52]

Oooh, this could get interesting...

 

[Pacifist46]

Part VII​

1844AD​

Another stunning opportunity presents itself
ASOKA: Gold, gold, gold. The things you can buy with gold, Montezuma. Want some?
MONTEZUMA: Cheers!
ASOKA: Of course, I’d want something in return. I can give you 35 Gold for Railroad.
MONTEZUMA: The things you can buy with gold. They don’t include that.

 

[Pacifist46]

1846AD​

The troops are on the move once again
VERA: Darling, I declared war on Caesar this morning. We’re ready to take Rome.
MONTEZUMA: Yes! Great work. Caesar will be exterminated, about time too really! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
POPOL: How come she gets to call you darling?
MONTEZUMA: That’s “How come she gets to call you darling, sire”, Popol. Jeez, the lack of respect I put up with from you!
VERA: Didn’t you know? It’s because we’re getting married!
MONTEZUMA: (laughs) I already told you, it’s kind of hard to divorce my wife of about 5 millenia.
VERA: Come on, darling. You really should.
MONTEZUMA: Hmm . . .