That must be terrible to live with
I've always wanted to know what exactly happens during the hallucinations.
To me it's very difficult to describe the intensity I feel when I'm in a delusional state, but I'll try.
As near as I can say, my psychotic episodes have been very much like dreaming while I'm awake. I don't know how many of you remember your dreams or not, I remember many of mine because I also happen to have sleep apnia. Anyway, think of yourself trapped in a dream with no way of waking up. Literally I am walking and seeing things like a kitchen counter and yet I am interpreting the kitchen counter as though I'm in a dream.
The kitchen counter for instance is something I have to eat? Why? Because the extraterrestrials who exist invisibly around us will be attracted to it and therefore I must destroy the kitchen counter by eating it so that they won't come. If they come they will try to eat me.
I vividly remember thinking this from my last dellusional episode. When you see a kitchen counter you probably don't think it's something you need to eat to prevent it from attracting aliens. But to me if I don't I will be eaten alive by these things which invaded earth some time ago. (Yes, I begin to interpret a lot of things like movie plots I've seen when I'm dellusional.) Eventually I get into a state of utter psychological paralysis. I have at times literally paced the floor whimpering at the expectation of some horrible calamity befalling me.
It is interesting because I don't normally think much about death. As a normal human being I may be able to face a near death situation with, "wow, that was close" and have an adrenalin rush. But when I've been dellusional I become terrified of it, as though it is immanent about to happen to me and I'm going to be a witness to my own death.
As far as my visual hallucinations, I would walk around the house, stare at the wall and I could see fish swimming in a stream. Just barely, though. What were the fish doing there in front of me in my house? They were part of a parallel universe which I was seeing a glimpse of. Every living creature and every historical epoch actually exists side by side in parallel universes. If you had the right ability you could step from one universe into the other. I had tapped into some primordial truth about the natural world and it was a major discovery, ground breaking, even.
So at that point I was soaring on a high note, but after a few hours I become paralyzed with fear, fear that every thing I did was the wrong choice and would lead to some catastrophe. There is no right choice. It's like walking in a mine field. Every step is a exercise of consternation as I try to think of how to get out of this horrible world I'm in. And there is no exit. I just keep on dreaming while awake.
To reinforce my belief that schizophrenia is like dreaming while I'm awake, when I have these dellusional episode I will remain active for days on end. I can literally get along without a bit of sleep. One time I think I must have lost 90 pounds, I kid you not, in the course of a couple days. I didn't eat, nor sleep and I was constantly pacing.
Hey Gary.
I once saw a documentary on Schizophrenia, and the person who presented it had it. According to him Schizophrenia was mostly about "living in one's mental world primarily". This made an impression on me since being extremely introverted is characteristically a Schizoid trait (a condition i have).
Btw your units are great
I don't know if being introverted is characteristically a schizoid state. As I say above, to me schizophrenia is like dreaming. It makes no sense and your mind just spins its wheels around and around, sort of like being Alice in wonderland or something. So I would not say that introversion is somehow similar to schizophrenia, although, yes I was VERY introverted as a young kid.
As a young kid I was always paranoid about what the other kids said to me. I thought everything they said was somehow mocking me and so I had almost no friends as a kid. I thought everyone was trying to peck on me. One time one of the kids asked me if I knew of any parties going on that weekend. Looking back, now that I'm stable, I think he was being nice, given the circumstances of the comment. But at the time I thought he was mocking the fact that I was a loner and had no social connections.
Last night I happened to listen to a radio program where at late times talks shows are organized, and this time while being about criminality, it led to a guy calling who had the same thing.
For him it happened because he did a lot of drugs - cannabis and other stuff - and more and more kept to himself and shut the world out. He also apparently had rather uncaring parents, which favored his way to criminal acts, drugs and finally self-imposed isolation.
So what can you say how it happened to you?
I have never even tried an illegal drug in my life. Aspirin is probably the most potent thing I had ever had until age 25 (before my psychiatric meds). I had never even tried marajuana. Alcohol was probably the most potent thing I had ever done and mostly just beer. Also I can't find any traces of schizophrenia in my immediate family. All my family members seem to be perfectly normal. Though I've actually had instances in my dellusions where my dad seemed to know what I was talking about from what I could tell.
I have no idea how it happened or where it came from. I like to kid myself sometimes and say, "look how I turned out. I should have done drugs when I was younger."
Have you ever used hallucinogenic drugs (including cannabis) in the past, and if so, did this agitate your condition?
Never tried a hallucinogenic drug in my life.
I would be really interested to know what lead you to being diagnosed with schizophrenia, how did you discover it? Were your psychotic episodes paranoid delusions? How effective has treatment been? Are you basically able to live a normal life?
I've at times had some severe paranoid delusions and some auditory hallucinations. They were very mild, basically I thought I could hear someone talking or a song that I could barely make out but I wasn't sure I was hearing it or just a noise I thought I heard. There were a few times when I could tell I was definitely hearing something but that at the same time I knew it didn't exist. However, it was very mild, I didn't hear anyone talking to me or anything like that, just a bit of a blur of indistinct voices or a song I thought I could recognize. At other times, I've had very mild visual hallucinations, times I saw a quick movement or flash, very brief and indistinct. That was a long time ago and might have been caused by medication.
I'm currently stabilized on meds. I live a VERY normal life currently. Aside from the first episode I ever had I only seem to get dellusional when I'm off my meds. So, yes, I need the meds or else I would be a permanent basket case. Thank God for modern medicine!
My question is:
I recently saw
A Beautiful Mind. In case you haven't seen the movie, it's about John Nash, who was a schizophrenic. In the movie, Nash has hallucinations of the same people all through his life. (A college roommate, the roommate's niece, a Department of Defense worker, etc.) Can schizophrenics in real life actually hallucinate the same people throughout their entire lives?
I can't speak for others but my own episodes have largely consisted only of dellusions like those described above. I haven't had a great many hallucinations. Though I do remember some things from my own childhood which looking back can only have been dellusional memories. For instance I vividly remember at a very young age my dad cutting a hole in my hand because I had "blood poisoning" and he was getting rid of it. Well, I have no scars or anything on my hand and needless to say my dad doesn't remember any such thing. So I wonder if I didn't have a few undetected dellusions when I was younger. I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia until I was 25.
My first dellusional episode I was experiencing an intense sense of loneliness due to the unrequited love of a young girl I was in love with. I would say I was a little on the batty side for months. Then one day at work it all came to a point and I found myself gripping a bible, mumbling some stuff about God returning. My supervisor took me to the agency psychiatrist who sent me to a mental hospital. So they definitely reconginzed that something was terribly wrong with me the way I was acting.
A couple questions:
1) A lot of people with mental illnesses are reluctant/fearful that other people find that out about them (fear of them judging you). How open are you about suffering from schizophrenia towards people that you know who aren't family (e.g. neighbours, co-workers/classmates, etc)?
2) When was your onset of schizophrenia? How understanding were your friends and acquaintances about it?
3) In light of another thread, how many different meds do you take? Overall, do you feel that it has helped you or not?
I only tell people about my illness (or whatever it is) occasionally. I don't bragg about it. It's not that I'm ashamed of it. I just feel like it puts me in an awkward relationship to those I tell about it. Sometimes I feel like my friends were condescending at times, treating me like a small child with cancer or something.
My onset was at age 25. My friends were VERY understanding, though I think at times a little perplexed in how to address me. I told all of them about it and it was common knowledge of me among them.
I currently take 4 different meds. They have helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I can not stress enough the importance of taking meds when you are psychotic and staying on them regularly. Meds have salvaged my life, although when I was first diagnosed I was addicted to the "high" I would get just before an episode. I originally thought the medicine was holding me back from some kind of greatness. Now I see that medicine has saved me from a horrible life of perpetual fear and trembling.
What medication have you been taking? Have you been taking them consistently?
I occasionally skip meds now because they are expensive and I try to cut corners here and there by not taking them a day. I generally only skip ONE night at a time and maybe only once or twice a week. I have found that I don't really need to take the meds constantly but my mood does change when I skip them. But, yes, I do skip meds for economic purposes and also because sometimes I feel less tired the next day if I skip them the night before. It's bad habbit and I can't recommend it. I really should be more religious about my meds. But I slack off from time to time. Not a good thing...
Is it possible for you to work at a "normal" job?
A friend of my family got schizophrenia by drug abuse and has serious problems since then (~15 years ago) to find a job where he can work on for more than 6 months. This results in difficult financial situations from time to time which makes it even more difficult to handle the schizophrenia.
I am not really interested in your monetary situation but more in the question how does/did your employers handle the disease?
I currently work a normal job. I have been at my latest job for a little over 2 years now. I pride myself on the accomplishment because I live in Florida where the economy is probably the worst in the country. But I've managed to survive. Before that I worked almost 4 years at a real estate title agency.
As a rule I do NOT tell employers about my condition. I believe there are employers out there who will discriminate based upon health insurance needs. If you go to a job interview you probably don't blurt out, oh yeah, I'm a recovering alcoholic. The work place is a place to sell yourself. And having a "condition" doesn't sell very well.
Have you reached a point where you can manage your condition?
I have reached a point where I can manage my condition very well. I feel a hundred times better about myself today than I did when I was younger. I was very prone to depression as a kid as well and my personality was very introverted and even had major OCD problems. The meds I'm on now really have mellowed me out and made me a functioning member of society.
