Breakup: what happens next

[downtown]

Thank you all for the replies.

You could try taking up an activity that keeps you too busy to think on it much. But not a solitary one. A bowling league? It's approaching spring, softball?

I think this is solid advice, even if I hadn't just been dumped, since I've struggled to make friends outside of fellow teachers. I run on a regular basis, but joining one of the young professional sports leagues wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm not much of a bowler, but they might have softball or kickball, which would be fun. I was a *really* active person physically before I became a teacher.

It worked for me when I was in that situation, but it's not for everyone. Sorry to hear it DT. What I'd do if I was you is take a break from work, go on a holiday either on your tod or with a mate. Basically run away from your problems for a while. In the short-term it's a good way to deal with things.

This would be ideal, but alas, I'm just about out of days off. My road trip will have to wait until the kids are off for the summer.

Struggle through a series of meaningless post breakup hookups, realize what you lost and how unlikely it is you are ever going to get it back, become a jerk like Dr. House, antagonize pretty much everyone you know, get tired of it all, drink three different kinds of alcohol, eat some chocolate cake, go to sleep, find your soul in your secret place, wake up and go on with your life.

Its funny you mention Dr.House, since thats basically who I was became after my last breakup, complete with the limp.

Edit:
Or date one of your students mums

Ha, I can't think of anything I'd want to do less.

If you don't mind me asking... Why did she break up with you?

I think it was out of panic. She is about to graduate from college (i'm a year older) and trying to decide where to work next. I suggested that she look for work closer to me, since we're so far away and rarely see each other. She hates the South, and the idea of moving to a place that she really dislikes because of a guy set off some panci. What if we didn't work out, and she was stuck in Mississippi?
She decided that she didn't have enough confidence in our relationship at 15 months to make that kind of sacrifice, then realized that if she didn't know now, she prob wasn't ever going to know.

Do things that make you happy, and doubly dedicate yourself to them.

Normally, this is sound advice. I've been so depressed lately though (for reasons independent of this mostly) that most of the things that used to really make me happy...don't. I need to either find new, better hobbies, or get some help.

Get accepted into law school. Cured the negatives from my last serious break-up.

Ha. I was actually accepted to a few places, but the idea of actually becoming a lawyer at this point might depress me more.

Date one of your students.

Also if How I Met Your Mother has taught me anything you have to grow a break-up beard.

Dude, I teach ten year olds.

Also, I actually did grow a beard the last time my relationship went in a rough spot (since she isnt here to see it!), but I couldn't take myself seriously when I met with parents. Also, it didn't go with my suit.

Try to be more like Barney and less like Ted for a little while. Womanizing optional.

I am impressed with the quality of How I Met Your Mother references in this thread.

The sad thing is, while I may look a little bit like Ted (and the actor actually grew up just down the road from me), my personality is suited more towards Marshall. I may love Barney (last time I was in Columbus, me and a few of my buddies actually went to play laser tag in suits)...but that isn't who I am at all. The only thing we really have in common is our love for laser tag and complicated high fives.

 

[JollyRoger]

Ha. I was actually accepted to a few places, but the idea of actually becoming a lawyer at this point might depress me more.

Don't get depressed over that. There are far more law students than jobs available.

 

[classical_hero]

Date one of your students.

Also if How I Met Your Mother has taught me anything you have to grow a break-up beard.

He s not a paedophile. Well he answered that one.

Basically one of the best things you should do is talk to you parents for support, since you know you will always have their love and support. Surely you have a church you go to in NO, so you should seek the advice of people there and most of all you should take your problems to Jesus.

Are you weary, are you heavy hearted?
Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.
Are you grieving over joys departed?
Tell it to Jesus alone.

Refrain
Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus,
He is a Friend that’s well known.
You’ve no other such a friend or brother,
Tell it to Jesus alone.

Do the tears flow down your cheeks unbidden?
Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.
Have you sins that to men’s eyes are hidden?
Tell it to Jesus alone.

Refrain

Do you fear the gathering clouds of sorrow?
Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.
Are you anxious what shall be tomorrow?
Tell it to Jesus alone.

Refrain

Are you troubled at the thought of dying?
Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.
For Christ’s coming kingdom are you sighing?
Tell it to Jesus alone.

Refrain

 

[LucyDuke]

Normally, this is sound advice. I've been so depressed lately though (for reasons independent of this mostly) that most of the things that used to really make me happy...don't. I need to either find new, better hobbies, or get some help.

I think you have health insurance? If you do, do get some help. Not enjoying what you usually enjoy is a huge red flag, and aside from cocaine you're unlikely to fill that gap with something else just because it's new.

Not saying don't try out some other hobbies, but don't put too many eggs in that basket. Take care of yo'self.

 

[Integral]

Have you reached out to the LDS ward in New Orleans? That's the first place I would have turned to.

 

[J-man]

It sounds that you could actually have a real depression here... as you said that the usual stuff doesn't make you happy anymore.

 

[JohnRM]

So last night, me and my girlfriend broke up. The whole thing has hit me very hard...we had been dating for around 16 months, and I thought things were eventually going to move in a much more serious direction (I had been quietly saving money for a ring).

The pain is compounded by my living situation. I've struggled to find more than superficial friends in my new city, and my job is terribly soul-sucking (not in a boring way, but in a profoundly depressing see-a-shrink-way)...so I don't have much of a support structure to help through the next steps. Me and my girlfriend were in the same fraternity in college, and shared most of our close friends. My family and I aren't especially close at the moment.

I tend to stay in relationships for a pretty long time, so I don't have too many big breakups under my belt. What do I do? How do I go about coping with losing one of the most important people in my day to day life? How long does it take? What should I say to my students when they find me even more depressed than usual in the next week? (thats only a little bit of a facetious question. My 4th graders are hyper sensitive to anything about *me*)

Please don't say get drunk. That may help, but I am still Mormon after all.

What did you do to get back on your feet after a breakup?

Go to church. God has all of the answers, right?

EDIT: Alright, that isn't fair to you. Look, when you're ready to stop feeling like crap, you will. It is all in your head, man. You've got the on/off switch.

 

[Narz]

What did you do to get back on your feet after a breakup?

Enjoy being single & introspect on how you want things to be different next time.

Also, thank the Lord you didn't knock her up or anything!

 

[Luckymoose]

Banging her best female friend usually helps.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

Have you considered monasticism?

 

[Karalysia]

Dude, I teach ten year olds.

Also, I actually did grow a beard the last time my relationship went in a rough spot (since she isnt here to see it!), but I couldn't take myself seriously when I met with parents. Also, it didn't go with my suit.

I thought you were a 30 something year old achtiercture professor. Thanks for ruining the dream bro.

 

[Grimz101]

You could join the gym, I always make friends there. Just go drinking with them afterward(and if theres a fight your new gym buddies will be able to handle it!)

 

[downtown]

So I basically ended up taking a little bit of everyone's advice.

I did a lot exercising, and joined a soccer league with one of my coworkers, which was fun. I talked to people at church, and actually started going to church activities that I normally shun. I did a lot of talking to people, tried to spend as little time alone in the apartment as possible, etc. I even took the fairly dramatic step of preparing to move to a completely new city (although that wasn't a response to the breakup)...and start a totally new life.

I felt better for the first few weeks or so (it was surprising. I might have even said I really thought I'd feel worse about this, but I don't! a few times out loud), but that feeling didn't last. Whenever I would come from the soccer game, or the bar, or from work...that kind of general malaise would come back. It is particularly profound in the morning for some reason, but that might also be correlated to the fact that I'm usually not so thrilled to go back to work.

So I guess time is the only thing that works eh? Lucy prob gave the best advice.

 

[Yared]

That just means that you're not completely out of the woods yet. You'll be happy that you decided to take part in more social activities, after you've gotten over her.

 

[Whomp]

Maybe it's me but most of the times I've been on the delivering end of a break up and they were easier to move on from. The few times I've been on the receiving end always seemed to stay awhile and little things would trigger that empty feeling of "how could she not want me"? Eventually, things would just go away even though I think of those relationships from time to time versus the ones I ended which rarely demonize me. On the receiving end of break ups, I would often reflect on what I perceived "could have been", I suppose. What I have come to realize is, it wasn't me but instead something they weren't getting out of the relationship. That's not something I can control.

Anyhow, Chicago's a good town for someone your age, DT. You'll be hard pressed to be bored here so embrace it. The external world will be there for your taking if you allow yourself that opportunity. The internal world will take time to heal but beating yourself up on something out of your control is not time well spent. Find something, mentally, to do in these instances. In time, this situation will disappear.

 

[Leonel]

Man I know how that is. I was that way last year when I broke up with a girl that was really into me and I was really into. Now she's already married someone else and has moved to Chicago.

I don't have much friends in the Everett area so I can't just drive down to Seattle or Renton to be with them so easily but I highly recommend a therapist to talk it out. I went to one after my break up and she really helped me through it! I'm glad I went to one or else I might have been like really insular and obsessive.

 

[downtown]

Maybe it's me but most of the times I've been on the delivering end of a break up and they were easier to move on from.

Yeah, that has also been the case with me.

Anyhow, Chicago's a good town for someone your age, DT. You'll be hard pressed to be bored here so embrace it. The external world will be there for your taking if you allow yourself that opportunity. The internal world will take time to heal but beating yourself up on something out of your control is not time well spent. Find something, mentally, to do in these instances. In time, this situation will disappear.

Yeah, I'm not too worried about the external stuff. My new job will have me work long hours with a bunch of other 20somethings, and with that, church, music and exploring I have no doubt i'll be a busy dude, meeting a lot of people. I guess I worry that I might be accidentally "putting off" my happiness/getting over everything. You know...once I get to Chicago, I can start to feel better or once I get XY or Z....

Fixing the Internal stuff should be independent of my external situation right?

 

[Whomp]

Fixing the Internal stuff should be independent of my external situation right?

Yep. The external is simple and it would only be due to laziness if you didn't fill your time. The mental stuff requires a little work. If you feel you are having difficulty reconciling your feelings on your own then there's nothing wrong with talking about it with a professional. My friend was seeing someone because of a marriage that ended after a year. It helped him and he really liked the guy so I can get his name if you'd like.

PS Glad to hear you found a career. You'll have to fill me in on details.

 

[Rashiminos]

It is particularly profound in the morning for some reason, but that might also be correlated to the fact that I'm usually not so thrilled to go back to work.

You've probably been having dreams about the breakup, as well as other disappointments and even some unrealized fears: http://xkcd.com/557/

 

[aneeshm]

So I basically ended up taking a little bit of everyone's advice.

I did a lot exercising, and joined a soccer league with one of my coworkers, which was fun. I talked to people at church, and actually started going to church activities that I normally shun. I did a lot of talking to people, tried to spend as little time alone in the apartment as possible, etc. I even took the fairly dramatic step of preparing to move to a completely new city (although that wasn't a response to the breakup)...and start a totally new life.

I felt better for the first few weeks or so (it was surprising. I might have even said I really thought I'd feel worse about this, but I don't! a few times out loud), but that feeling didn't last. Whenever I would come from the soccer game, or the bar, or from work...that kind of general malaise would come back. It is particularly profound in the morning for some reason, but that might also be correlated to the fact that I'm usually not so thrilled to go back to work.

So I guess time is the only thing that works eh? Lucy prob gave the best advice.

One approach that I found worked for me was this: don't run away from whatever despair that you may feel. Force yourself to acknowledge, face, and them experience every pain in its fullest intensity. If there's some aspect of this loss which makes you particularly sad, focus your entire attention on it, examine its nature and why it makes you sad, acknowledge what it is, face it, then force yourself to feel it fully instead of trying to banish the thought. Do this to the limit of your ability to feel pain or grief. Do this for everything which you experience as a loss.

At the end, you will emerge a better and stronger man.

(In case you're looking for something appropriate to read, the Book of Ecclesiastes, along with Nietzsche's Zarathustra (an odd combination, I know) can really work wonders to dispel any sense of 'malaise' you may feel.)

Fixing the Internal stuff should be independent of my external situation right?

Absolutely correct, though probably not in the way you imagine. I'm sure that if you're given a harem of twenty concubines to do with as you please, with any replacements you want ordered whenever you order them, you'd be over this break-up in around twenty milliseconds. Such is the nature of the male psyche.

But truly "getting over" something means becoming bigger than it - recognising what it was in your behaviour that led to this situation (if there was anything - sometimes, there is nothing you can do), what in it causes you the trouble you are not undergoing, what you must become in order to be greater than this (or at least not be so grief-stricken as you seem now), and how to achieve that. Using others (by means of social interaction) as an unhappy drunkard uses his drink - to forget yourself - will not take away the reality of what you are trying to forget.

Men do not draw their self-esteem or happiness from their thoughts, but from their achievements. After all is said and done, you are a man, and even a small amount of concrete achievement is a much greater source of comfort and strength than any social interaction, wallowing in your emotions, or other such weakening pieces of nonsense.