How do you deal with cheating of a loved one?

[Winner]

I'm not in Denmark
Plus women never tell anyone about how they cheat. Girls and silly women do that...

Good words Winner. Not sure I am yet strong enough to accept them, but I buy them.

BTW, it's you who cheats, or you're the one who is being cheated?

 

[Winner]

I almost thought you were a, keep it secret keep it safe keep it up, kinda guy. Thing is, a lot of people fool around behind their partners back and they never know, and since they don't and usually won't, the sleep-arounder sees nothing wrong here! And in the end all arguments for wrongess are self-interested, so is this wrong ONLY if the perpertrator gets caught? (no one cn call it wrong, he doesnt care, only objectivity is left and in the end theres no such thing as right or wrong!)

I am personaly a strong believer in monogamous relationships. Unfortunately, I am aware of my own weakness. I don't know what I'd do under certain circumstances (a lot of alcohol, temptation etc.). The important part is that you know cheating is wrong and you shouldn't do it. I also don't think people should waste promising relationships just because they made a mistake. Love is about tolerance, respect and the ability to forgive. If you dump someone you love very much because of this, the relationship was never meant to happen.

 

[silver 2039]

In my opinion cheating in the form of adultery, asides from the extreme cases in which the spouse is missing or the spouse is an abusive son of a *****, should still be an offense punishable by public stoning. If you can't keep your penis in your pants or another man's penis out of yours when you're supposedly with a person you love and trust, your lying, back-stabbing genes should be cleared out of the social gene pool.

Sounds like you belong in Saudi Arabia.

 

[Grisu]

I am personaly a strong believer in monogamous relationships. Unfortunately, I am aware of my own weakness. I don't know what I'd do under certain circumstances (a lot of alcohol, temptation etc.). The important part is that you know cheating is wrong and you shouldn't do it.

Personally, I really don't like the alcohol excuse, it's used too often to get out of all kinds of trouble. Fact is, you know what you're doing when you drink alcohol, if you can't at least keep a little sanity you better stay away from the stuff. Even if you're drunk you still have some common sense left to think of the consequences, unless you're totally wasted (in which case, sex usually isn't possible anyway )

I also don't think people should waste promising relationships just because they made a mistake. Love is about tolerance, respect and the ability to forgive. If you dump someone you love very much because of this, the relationship was never meant to happen.

I disagree. To me, one of the most important things in a relationship is trust. If I can't trust my partner to keep her pants on (something we agreed on), then this relationship is doomed anyway. I'll go a long way forgiving all types of stuff, but cheating is where I draw the line, this is something i cannot forgive. Furthermore you said that love is (among other things) about respect, which is spot on: Cheating certainly is most likely one of the most disrespectful things you can do to your partner....

 

[Sh3kel]

Mmmhmmm methinks those who thinks their selfish desires amount to the life of another person ought to be stoned

Sounds like you belong in Saudi Arabia.

If I can keep myself from boinking other people at random when I'm supposed to be faithful because I'm in a relationship, I have every damn right to expect the same from my partner. Cheating on someone on a serious relationship is betraying his or her trust on the most basic level a human being can betray another - what if the other person you screwed around had an STD that they neglected to tell you about and I put my trust in the fact you're supposed to be loyal only to me when we have relations, and by an extension of your own selfish actions I end up with the hospital bills?

Hell, it doesn't even have to be an STD - what if the woman I'm dating ends up pregnant from another man and I end up having to raise a child that isn't even mine because she fooled around and made me believe the potential son or daughter is mine when it really isn't?

If the pregnancy and STD scenarios don't convince you enough about the problem with betrayal of trust, consider this analogy:
You have a personal relationship with your banker in which he knows exactly when you deposit money and when you withdraw it, and obviously as a result he has knowledge of exactly how much money you have in your account. You've known each other for years and things have gone out without a hitch - not even a single disagreement on financial policy. How would you feel if it turns out that this banker would routinely steal money from your account to cover his own bills and then repay them later the same day as your paycheck came in, leaving you none-the-wiser of the routine embezzlement until one day he misses a payment or you deposit a check early and find out you're missing money?
If you're anything like me or like a normal human being, you'd be screaming bloody murder and demanding - rightfully - a felony charge and appealing to every court in the land until he gets his ass in jail. So why is it that we're willing to send people to jail for betraying our trust with physical possessions but are so quick to forgive over the most basic transgression of trust in a person's life?

Infidelity - be it from the man or the woman - is a social cancer and shouldn't be encouraged. The entire "pimp and ho" culture makes me physically ill. Not every single thing in the Muslim, Jewish and Catholic traditional values is a backwards application of life. There is a great deal of logic in applying such a hefty punishment on such a basic transgression on human trust. ****ing another man's wife or another woman's husband is essentially spitting on that person's entire value as a human being and telling him or he s/he's worthless and the two people involved are beneath the scum of the earth, as far as I'm concerned. Screwing around is hitting the moral foundation upon which the entire family structure is based upon, and the family structure is the very foundation upon which society is built - dysfunctional families will statistically tend to raise children more likely to belong to such families in the future, dysfunctional families are more likely to be on welfare and other forms of state-sponsored assistance and dysfunctional families are more likely to raise violent children - who may possibly go on to become violent adults and potential felons.

Even with the fact that it's a basic moral guideline and despite all the obvious consequences it has upon the moral fabric of society, people still **** around without regard or care for the value of their fellow human beings, and worse yet - some libertarians go as far as saying that "it's not a big deal" and even have the audacity to defend the cheater's honor over that of that is being cheated on - essentially trying to put the blame on the victim and having mercy on the wicked.

You'd think people would have more sense than to disobey the simple "don't **** around" thing - but then again, common sense is one of the rarest senses in a human being.

 

[Winner]

Personally, I really don't like the alcohol excuse, it's used too often to get out of all kinds of trouble. Fact is, you know what you're doing when you drink alcohol, if you can't at least keep a little sanity you better stay away from the stuff. Even if you're drunk you still have some common sense left to think of the consequences, unless you're totally wasted (in which case, sex usually isn't possible anyway )

I don't say I'd lost all control, I just say that under certain circumstances, accidents happen

I disagree. To me, one of the most important things in a relationship is trust. If I can't trust my partner to keep her pants on (something we agreed on), then this relationship is doomed anyway. I'll go a long way forgiving all types of stuff, but cheating is where I draw the line, this is something i cannot forgive. Furthermore you said that love is (among other things) about respect, which is spot on: Cheating certainly is most likely one of the most disrespectful things you can do to your partner....

Depends. I don't see one minor affair, one mistake, as a reason to terminate otherwise good relationship. Some people agree, some disagree, that's everyone's business where he/she draws the line.

Anyway, this just underlines what I said previously - when it happens, hide it, deny it, lie about it, don't admit it, never ever confess to it. Some people think the partner will accept it because you're honest, but that's a myth. It just gives her/him a reason to be done with you.

 

[Grisu]

I don't say I'd lost all control, I just say that under certain circumstances, accidents happen

Ok, it just sounded like some preemtive excuse

Depends. I don't see one minor affair, one mistake, as a reason to terminate otherwise good relationship. Some people agree, some disagree, that's everyone's business where he/she draws the line.

agreed, some will forgive this, some won't. What's important to me is that both partners know this in advance.

Anyway, this just underlines what I said previously - when it happens, hide it, deny it, lie about it, don't admit it, never ever confess to it. Some people think the partner will accept it because you're honest, but that's a myth. It just gives her/him a reason to be done with you.

from a purely egoistical point of view, yes. If the cheater, however, still has some backbone left, s/he'd tell the partner. it's not just that it's a break of trust, it's also that it endangers the health of the partner (through STD, for example, after all if someone's careless enough to have a 'accident' regarding cheating, can you expect that person to be relieable enough to at least use proper protection?). that way, the cheater is playing with the health of his partner, and this is IMHO totally unacceptable.
Of course people will honour honesty. but that doesn't mean that they'd forgive. It's the same with a crime: If you commit a crime and admit it you won't get away free, it's just that your sentence will be lighter. Same with cheating

 

[Abaddon]

Accept it and jut be a bit more selfish in bed for a while, doesnt bother me beyond that.

 

[Civrules]

I'm long passed innocence in my view of the world.
I dont have a lot of experience with women (comparatively), but from what I hear and see the picture of relations between people seems very grim.
Almost every guy wants to get laid with every girl they meet. Girls pay back in the same way. Both sexes use each other's feelings and desires to gain advantages: money, position, job.... Wifes cheating on their husbands, guys going into great length not to show to their wifes what they are actualy doing. Old guys seducing silly 18 year olds. It is a very sad picture of the world, but its the most real one I've got.
It seems that the only people that don't "live like animals" are those who cant do it due to different weaknesses (one of which of course is having morals)
So I've accepted that girls and guys cheat on each other quite regularly... and get mixed up quite a lot. How could one deal with that? Have both partners sleep around? This could work for guys, but women get more emotional when they sleep with someone. So if your girl cheats on your she's getting more involved and could possibly leave you. If both partners sleep around.... what keeps them together? Whats stopping one of them from finding a better guy/girl with the same arrangement? Won't that suck for the party that is left? I dont believe that either partner can stay faithful for long... so what does work?

I know that there are a lot of older people on this forum. I'm only over 20... I lost trust in humans in that sense... I heard and saw too much **** lately. Can someone help me understand how I am supposed to accept this reality?

Heya Gelion. Good thread.
Here's the thing. We are like animals. It's our biology to have multiple partners. It is natural. BUT relationships DEMAND (and have demanded for many, many years) that couples are exclusive to each other. Unless the couple agrees otherwise.
It goes back to basics. People have and always will desire something that is better, shinier, or more exhilarating. Girls desire what is hard to find, and what they have to work for. They are attracted to this. Yet, we're never satisfied. When you get a new car, the car you've always wanted, you'll enjoy it for a while but then you'll start finding faults. Why is that? You are taking it for granted. You do not understand the importance of it until there is a threat that it will be taken away. This is why you have to introduce this in your relationship. It is an awesome tool to use because it is natural that we all get bored with what we have, UNLESS there is a legitimate threat that it can disappear. THEN the girl appreciates you much more. If it's a sure thing, forget it. You may as well be giving her a free pass to cheat on you. (Not all do, but as you said, it is more common that we'd like to accept.)

Girls especially are not logical. They are more emotional, as you pointed out, and they will backward rationalize what they do. Sure they may feel horrible (some don’t have any guilt at all), but they will always rationalize the situation. For example a girl may think of a thousand reasons why she should cheat on a guy, but she may also think of a thousand reasons not to cheat on him. Guess what the variable here is which decides if she will or won’t cheat? It’s YOU.

Don’t cut your girl any slack. At all. If something she does does not please you, don't be a dumb*** and say, "that's okay honey, you did nothing wrong." Eventually when you lose your control she'll see opportunities to have her own fun. Guess what that might involve?

I know you might not be used to it, but if she does something you do not like, don't be afraid to subtly point it out. NEVER, EVER get angry or emotional in a relationship. That brings you down in her eyes. Don't bring yourself down. Instead, be subtle and when she does something, be unaffected yet stand more aloof from her. Always be willing to walk away. That's key. If she feels the vibe that she always has to work for you, and that you have the option to always walk away, she'll be TOO preoccupied worrying about not losing you rather than cheating on you. Her brain can only focus on one thing at this time. And that's you. Again, if you're no challenge, no fun, no excitement, and predictable, you are giving the girl a free pass to cheat on you. Is it "morally" right? No. Is it legitimate in her mind? Heck yes. Why should she stick to you if she already has you whipped? She needs to conquer new challenges.

However then you may ask, "why doesn't she break up with me and then go with whoever she likes?" That's because maybe there are advantages associated WITH you that do not necessarily have to do with emotional attraction. A girl who uses a guy for money isn't necessarily attracted to the guy because he has money. She sticks with him because she can get the benefits. That's not emotional attraction by any means. Now, of course that is only an example, and not a generalization. Some girls rationalize that they can cheat on you, but they don't want to break up because they don't want you to be hurt. Isn't that ironic?

I don’t believe that discussing this with a girl is nearly as affective as showing her with your actions what you expect of her. Talk is cheap (unless you are a master at NLP). If you get into the pattern of not being a challenge and accepting her manipulative behavior, then expect to be manipulated.

After she cheats on you, you have no right to be angry with her and say that you did all these great things; that you let things slide, that you bought her gifts, or complimented her. That's logic. Logic doesn't work.

[EDIT] You have to realize that YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR RESULTS. Now a lot of people find excuses. I know I did. I used to blame others [their character] because of how I got treated, instead of looking at myself and getting my s*** together and realizing that I'm at fault. If you refuse to accept that you are responsible for your results, you will keep yourself protected, but you will also keep getting the same results because you are not improving. To improve, realize that there are things you could have done better. I personally blame myself 100% when something doesn't go right with a girl, except if it's things I can't control. =) The truth can hurt initially. But after you get into the habit of accepting it, it pays off big time.

Now this is tricky. If you have a strong sense of self, then sometimes you just need to look at the other person and realize that they really are at fault - not you. Some girls are socially handicapped. Some guys also are. Don't hang yourself up thinking that you are always responsible. Sometimes you need to realize and analyze and weigh other people against you - that's when you realize that you need to cut people from your life because they are at fault.

And... this is what works. (PS: Thanks for the PM, I don't surf around as much so I probably would have missed the thread.)

 

[Neomega]

If you ever discover someone has cheated on you... dump them immediately. If you are married, drain your savings to get the best divorce attorney possible.

Things will never, ever, never be the same, and the chances are very great that they will just get worse, and you will end up splitting anyways.

You do not want to end up financing your cheating ex's love getaways with another person.

 

[Gelion]

^^ Words!!! Thanks a lot man. For now this seems to be the final piece of the puzzle. Not going to reply yet in length, but I buy this explanation.

P.S. I wasn't the one to cheat

 

[Shylock]

You ask the server admin to ban them.

 

[Prince_Imrahil]

infidelity - be it from the man or the woman - is a social cancer and shouldn't be encouraged. The entire "pimp and ho" culture makes me physically ill. Not every single thing in the Muslim, Jewish and Catholic traditional values is a backwards application of life. There is a great deal of logic in applying such a hefty punishment on such a basic transgression on human trust. ****ing another man's wife or another woman's husband is essentially spitting on that person's entire value as a human being and telling him or he s/he's worthless and the two people involved are beneath the scum of the earth, as far as I'm concerned.

Hefty punishment for harming your ego? Please. Social Punishment is only about physical harm, not to soothe peoples emotional weaknesses and console them for their naive expectations of other people. Making you feel like your worthless scum and that mean nothing is not a crime, its only Your problem when you make it your problem.

Screwing around is hitting the moral foundation upon which the entire family structure is based upon, and the family structure is the very foundation upon which society is built - dysfunctional families will statistically tend to raise children more likely to belong to such families in the future, dysfunctional families are more likely to be on welfare and other forms of state-sponsored assistance and dysfunctional families are more likely to raise violent children - who may possibly go on to become violent adults and potential felons.

Bedroom activities directly harms no-one, it is not a crime. Whatevr happens the persons involved are responsible for it and must deal with it, but the law has no place in personal morals.

Even with the fact that it's a basic moral guideline and despite all the obvious consequences it has upon the moral fabric of society, people still **** around without regard or care for the value of their fellow human beings, and worse yet - some libertarians go as far as saying that "it's not a big deal" and even have the audacity to defend the cheater's honor over that of that is being cheated on - essentially trying to put the blame on the victim and having mercy on the wicked.

People live and learn. Indeed the cheater has no honor, but neither so the cheated who believes hes been 'wronged' to the extant that he is 'owed' something. The banker took your money, the cheater lied to you, chances are stds and pregnancies didn't occur, thatd be another story. The only thing harmed here is your relationship, ego, emotions and trust. Ah well, dump her and deal with it. No one else cares about how important you think you are that you deserve some compensation and the cheater any more punishment than you leaving her.

 

[Chazumi]

How do you deal with it? Or I deal with it personally? Well I think my good friend and American hero Peter Griffin said it best with this quote:

"I'm going to work. Goodbye Lois. Oh, and remember that if I come home early in the middle of the day and find you sleeping with another man I'll kill you both. Love ya!"




Oh, and I did make it very clear way before I got married that cheating is not tolerated on any level. My parents split because of my dads promiscuity. One chance is all anyone needs. I am in Iraq for 15 months, and if I can last that long, anyone can. Trust me there is no animal instinct powerful enough to make you hurt someone you truly love. If you do, you never loved them in the first place.

 

[Prince_Imrahil]

Remember most people don't love their partners, they love themselves...

 

[GenMarshall]

Sometimes a little TOO much where they start ignoring their significant other .

 

[Prince_Imrahil]

...but it's not too much if it doesn't hurt them. Cynical but true. How to deal with this? Don't be a person who let's yourself get hurt because someone doesn't care about you as much as you care about yourself.

 

[KinesongPayaso]

lol
why do people leave people who cheated on them, when it's obvious that the one at fault is themselves

if someone cheats on you, the fault is yours
you cannot cope with their wants and needs

 

[mrt144]

lol
why do people leave people who cheated on them, when it's obvious that the one at fault is themselves

if someone cheats on you, the fault is yours
you cannot cope with their wants and needs

is this so obvious a troll?

The problem isnt with the one who maintained monogamy in good faith, it is the one who broke the agreement of monogamy. the wants and needs of a person who cheats will never be met by any single person, therefore it is absurd to blame an individual for the actions of this person.

 

[Sh3kel]

Hefty punishment for harming your ego? Please. Social Punishment is only about physical harm, not to soothe peoples emotional weaknesses and console them for their naive expectations of other people. Making you feel like your worthless scum and that mean nothing is not a crime, its only Your problem when you make it your problem.

Then how come there's a criminal fine imposed for direct defamation and in some cases jail time for publishing false facts regarding another person - which is absolutely the same thing as harming that person's ego?

Bedroom activities directly harms no-one, it is not a crime. Whatevr happens the persons involved are responsible for it and must deal with it, but the law has no place in personal morals.

The law should have every place in the bedroom if the activities of the cheater can directly lead to my well-being being compromised - if I have a girlfriend or wife who goes behind my back, sleeps with another man who unknowingly transfers her an STD and I contract it from her - I'm at risk because of her actions and she doesn't even face a penal sanction for putting me through all that trouble?
Hell, it doesn't even have to a potential health damage - if I share an apartment with my girlfriend and while she's home from work and I'm still at the office, she has someone come over and break an expensive ornament I have at my place, I'd expect that someone to own up for the damage done. If it's a friend of mine, I'd let it slide and be over with it - but if it's a salesperson, or a "tennis instructor" that's off court and in bed, I'd be damned sure to take names and demand reparations. If the cheater and the person they are cheating with enter your house and break something of great sentimental value for you - which happens in every day life - aren't you entitled to know that another person was in your house and broke your stuff? Withholding that kind of information from a person defiles your own right to privacy!

People live and learn. Indeed the cheater has no honor, but neither so the cheated who believes hes been 'wronged' to the extant that he is 'owed' something. The banker took your money, the cheater lied to you, chances are stds and pregnancies didn't occur, thatd be another story. The only thing harmed here is your relationship, ego, emotions and trust. Ah well, dump her and deal with it. No one else cares about how important you think you are that you deserve some compensation and the cheater any more punishment than you leaving her.

This still doesn't address the issue of compensation for defamation (which is a civilian procedure in which you can sue the newspaper that prints a false report on you - strictly on your ego being harmed) nor the issue of a forced apology and fine that is imposed on the same newspaper (a criminal sanction imposed on them for slander). There are also other types of criminal charges which all regard the harming of a person's ego in manners more or less the same as cheating - telling a person treatment A, B, and C works for curing AIDS must be backed up by facts, to the point that even if A, B and C don't do anything whatsoever to harm the person receiving the treatment, the person promising the treatments can and should be sued for fraud simply because he made the other guy feel like an idiot.

Tolerance means you put up with something you don't like but which has no direct negative influence on you - on these grounds I'm willing to tolerate gay marriage, as it honestly does not concern me. Stupidity is applying tolerance to something that counteracts your very own well-being - on these grounds, I'd be a bumbling idiot to support cheating knowing full-well that one day I may be cheated on, and according to the facts provided by a Danish poster earlier on the thread - those chances are about 1 in 4 relationships ending because of infidelity.

Just because you're uncomfortable with your weakness and don't consider cheating the end of the world doesn't mean there aren't many penal laws currently in place that serve strictly to protect a person's name and reputation - adding a criminal fine upon the act of cheating wouldn't be revolutionizing the criminal system, but it would be a clear, distinct message that states openly that a society that is based on monogamous relationships won't tolerate people who screw around and damage that social foundation.