[RD] I'm transitioning. If you've ever been confused about the T in LGBT, ask me anything

[Sommerswerd]

Obviously I am no expert on the matter, nor do I have any data to confirm this, but it would make sense if there were more male to female transitions since we all start out as female at conception.

I am curious about this as well. Do you (contre) have transgender friends? If so are more of them M-> F or F->M?

Also, thanks for the link on gender dysphoria, I followed it to the cultures who actually recognize a third gender. It was all very exciting to learn about.

 

[emzie]

I missed these two questions from Ajidica:

Are you going to change your name (legally or just what you prefer people to call you)? If yes, how will you choose a new name?

Yeah, I'm changing it. My legal name is still my birth name. In a few months I'll apply to change it, and legal gender.

I settled on Emily. Not sure how to describe the how there. For my middle name, I asked my mom to pick something, as it brought her into the process and made it easier for her.

I'm not quite sure how to phrase this, but does your physical body need to match what you consider yourself? If you consider yourself a woman, why do you need your physical body to reflect that? If gender identity is a state of mind, what purpose do the physical bits serve? It seems to me that it impacts how people interact with you, but considering in the overwhelming majority of interactions people have your sex/gender makes little difference, I'm not really seeing the importance.

Very very good question. I'll try and answer it in parts.

A gender identity disorder is rooted in gender dysphoria, something which varries in severity. For a mild case, someone might do nothing, or pay for laser hair removal on their body but otherwise continue to go though life as a guy.

Once we get to changes though, we're talking about much much more severe states of dysphoria. At this point, I want you to imagine you have a big whitehead zit on the side of your nose. I mean this sucker is big and gross. Are you aware of it? Does it change how you want to act with people? Do you want to go to picture day at school? Imagine that feeling going on for years. The physical changes are to stop feeling like that.

When it comes to names and pronouns and how I'm read, I prefer female because it feels accurate.

 

[emzie]

In all actuality, the rate of mtf and ftm are actually about the same in terms of actual occurrence. As for why it seems trans women seem way more common, there's a few factors I think that play out. This is all conjecture on my part, so bear with me.

One is being kind of what Terra was hinting at: it's easier for biological women to pass as men than the opposite. Trans men therefore don't stick out as much when transitioning as trans women do. Therefore, you just don't notice them in the same way.

Another reason may be that it's more socially acceptable for women to be butch than men to be effeminate. This allows women to perhaps express their gender in a more healthy fashion than men can, thus perhaps making potentional trans men cool with themselves and don't feel the pressure to transition.

Relatedly, the procedures for ftm just aren't there like they are for mtf. We still can't make a fully functional penis, unlike the countless successful artificial vaginas that have been made over the years. As one person said, "it's easier to dig a hole than fix a pole". The fact that there's no good prospects for SRS (unless you don't care about have penis sex) might deter further trans men.

Finally, and more ancedotaley to the Internet, up until prolly the 2000s, the Internet was more of a male thing (now, I think women actually slightly outnumber men, but it's definetly equalish), which means up to about my generation, you have mostly people born as males using this form of telecommunications. Obviously, the trans portion of that popular would be trans women, rather than trans men. I think. I might be talking out of my ass on this one.

I don't know of the research, but this is the exact same conclusion that I came to, the people in my peer support group came to (100+ people) and my therapist came to. It feels likely to me.

FtM transitions come with their own problems and I really would love to have a FtM on this forum because I only know what I hear from those guys in my peer meetings.

 

[emzie]

Huh? That sounds like a story in itself.

Really? Learning something new everyday.

Without going into prose, okay. She deserves better writing than this though, haha.

I'd been questioning gender identity for months. I'd finally made a throwaway account on Reddit and asked some questions. I walked away from that thinking, "oh sh--" and for the next few days I was a panicky mess. We were driving home from errands and she couldn't take it anymore and asked me what was wrong. My stomach sank and signed, "I'm trans." I could feel myself go numb which I now recognize as disassociation.

Something I haven't mentioned yet in this thread is that when you reject yourself so completely as I had, it's impossible to believe you could be worth anything to anyone. Her response was one of the first times I ever understood what it was like to receive unconditional love. She was shocked, but quickly started asking me questions to try and figure out what I meant.

It took her about a week to work through some things. She never told me I was wrong. She brought up good points to make sure I had considered them. She came with me to my first support meeting and asked questions to learn more. She read books and experiences online. She started helping me with makeup and clothing. She taught me how to be a woman.

That doesn't sound very traditionally feminine. I assume that is more because of you feeling more confident about yourself these days?

Feminine doesn't mean empowered. I feel confident to express myself how I want provided I'm not doing things that harm others.

Cool. Any other specifics? Are you just hinting at being less interested in sugar now, and eating more vegetables and stuff? No buckets of ice cream or anything?

(Sorry if I continue to bring up these questions, but I'm really interested in how (or not) you feel/notice the hormones have changed your personality.)

Lets see. I stopped buying potato chips (and lost 25+ pounds ). The last time I went to snack, I spread this herb-stuffed caprino cheese onto pieces of celery. Strong flavour that engaged my sense of taste in a new way.

I am curious about this as well. Do you (contre) have transgender friends? If so are more of them M-> F or F->M?

Also, thanks for the link on gender dysphoria, I followed it to the cultures who actually recognize a third gender. It was all very exciting to learn about.

I live in a relatively large city (1m+) with numerous support groups. I've met friends there, though I'm at heart pretty anti-social. The groups are pretty evenly split between MtF and FtM.

 

[Berzerker]

how did your situation influence perceptions of "god" and creation?

 

[Evie]

Are you still in O-town? Because if so, yeah, it looked like it had some pretty good support available. Though I didn't look around much.

 

[emzie]

how did your situation influence perceptions of "god" and creation?

I do respect that other people different experiences and that they have drawn different conclusions and that those experiences are real. They may not be supernatural in my view, but they're real. So I think of spirituality and religion as being a language I don't speak or a colour I can't see.

Are you still in O-town? Because if so, yeah, it looked like it had some pretty good support available. Though I didn't look around much.

Ya, still Ottawa. If you ever wanna meet for coffee or lunch I'd still be down

 

[Terran Empress]

If contre wouldn't mind, I bring another completely different, but still similar experience to her and megan, and I wouldn't mind talking about my experiences as well, but its up to her. Especially with this question.

how did your situation influence perceptions of "god" and creation?

 

[emzie]

If contre wouldn't mind, I bring another completely different, but still similar experience to her and megan, and I wouldn't mind talking about my experiences as well, but its up to her. Especially with this question.

Send me a PM

 

[Omega124]

how did your situation influence perceptions of "god" and creation?

I was an atheist long before I identified as trans. It didn't really change any perspective of faith or spirituality, for I really had none to begin with.

What it did change, however, is my concept of organized religion. Aka, I was always an atheist mostly because of more scientific reasons than morality reasons (as far as we understood the world, the idea of a divine creator just made no sense to me, among other historical and scientific issues I really don't want to get into because this isn't the place. But even before I even really understood science, my first issues as a kid were "why don't miracles happen anymore?") the fact that the Judeo Christian God was just a terrible person who, imo, doesnt even deserve to be worshipped was just icing on the cake.

however, now that I identify as trans, and am now one of the copius groups that tend to be peresecuted by churches, those morality issues are by far my biggest opposition to religion now. If i had to come out to my parents again, I'd be using less "this is all scientific hogwash" and "we know how the Bible was made, it was clearly not divinely inspired" and more "this is bronze age morality that you follow"

sorry if I offended anyone here. This is probsbly more political than it needed to be.

 

[Joecoolyo]

the fact that the Judeo Christian God was just a terrible person who, imo, doesnt even deserve to be worshipped was just icing on the cake.

"we know how the Bible was made, it was clearly not divinely inspired" and more "this is bronze age morality that you follow"

sorry if I offended anyone here. This is probsbly more political than it needed to be.

Don't dump the actions of some on all of us. I'm nowhere near religious at all, but when I went back to Chicago and to my family's synagogue for my sister's Bat Mitzvah a month ago, even I was proud to see them flying the rainbow flag.

For Jews, its highly dependent on the synagogue and the Rabbi. I have no idea how it works with Christians, or if they are capable of bending the words of their scripture like Reform Jews are, but "bronze age morality" can be easily applied to modern sensibilities without discrimination.

 

[Omega124]

I really don't want to get into this, so I'm posting this to acknowledge your response, Joe, but I'm not going to actually respond to it. Take it to PM if you really want me to debate you on this.

 

[_random_]

Since we're on the subject, isn't your wife some kind of religious, contre? Did that impact her reaction at all do you think?

 

[emzie]

Since we're on the subject, isn't your wife some kind of religious, contre? Did that impact her reaction at all do you think?

That's also complicated. I'd say she's more spiritual than religious at this point. No doubt, ISIS would stone her for apostasy.

 

[Cheetah]

Without going into prose, okay. She deserves better writing than this though, haha.

She sounds great.

Lets see. I stopped buying potato chips (and lost 25+ pounds ). The last time I went to snack, I spread this herb-stuffed caprino cheese onto pieces of celery. Strong flavour that engaged my sense of taste in a new way.

 

[Arakhor]

No doubt, ISIS would stone her for apostasy.

That's saying nothing at all, unfortunately.

 

[Terran Empress]

Well, contre ok'ed me answering a few questions as well so long as I stay within the realm that I know. Soooo...

how did your situation influence perceptions of "god" and creation?

Firstly, I was born and raised in Utah to LDS (Mormon) parents, and I was raised Mormon as well. For me, this has been really hard on that aspect. For a little bit I was looking for another religion to possibly convert to that I felt had closer beliefs to my own, I considered Bahá'í, but they are against same sex relationships. I've stopped going to church and I don't remember the last time I prayed, I believe a lot of the teachings and principles at the least, and I know there are some other Transgender Mormons out there, but it's been really hard for me because it has given me a bunch of new questions and anxiety over religion, like, If I really am a girl, why did God give me a male body? Or like what would happen after this life, like how the church talks about "perfected bodies" in the next life, what does that mean for me? Like would my female spirit (if that even is correct) get a female body to match, or am I stuck male. And then there is the issue of marriage in the LDS church, like if i'm really a girl, and I got sealed (which is marriage but for both this and the next life basically) to a girl cuz I was born in a male body, what happens next? The LDS church is against same sex marriage cuz of procreation stuff, as well as stuff for the next life, so if my spirit is female, and my perfected body would be female, I as a girl would be sealed to another girl. Finally there is also the idea of "enduring to the end" and does that mean I need to endure this life, as male, until the end, because if so, as Megan and Contre points out, that isn't an easy thing to do, and i've started to feel the difficulty as well. (sorry about all the mormon doctrine and lingo, if you don't get anything feel free to PM me and I can help explain, I just don't want to take up this thread)

Apart from this Mormon culture also has a pretty strong set of gender roles, that is even basically codified into doctrine in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" and it hurts me really badly whenever I hear those roles talked about because I never really felt that they were correct, or that they applied to me very well, like I just hurt when I hear that men are supposed to be the stoic bread winners/can't nurture or love the same as a woman, or how women are supposed to be stay at home moms and things like that.

i'll answer a few more questions that I would like to help give a bit more of a background on me and then answer others that come up as I see fit and that I can answer.

Looks like at last we got bunch of girls around on CFC. Its alright they are all lesbians I think I am that bit myself too...

Since sexuality is a pretty common question, I actually identify as bisexual, though I think I lean a little bit more to liking women, just so ya know.

So how did your friends/coworkers learn? Did you just show up to work one day wearing different clothes? Unless your workplace is radically different from mine, I don't see sexual orientation as a particularly common topic to come up in the breakroom. How does a transgender person "come out"?

I'm, actually still in the closet for my family, since I'm living at home cuz college is damn expensive in the US >.<, I've told most of my friends who aren't on their Mormon Missions, they have all been very supportive and a good chunk of them actually want to do all they can to help, but I'm not doing anything in regards to transitioning yet because of the family thing, and I'm terrified to do so or to come out to them.

Are you going to change your name (legally or just what you prefer people to call you)? If yes, how will you choose a new name?

Heh, well this is an interesting topic for me, I already legally changed my name once, because my parents had always known they were going to call me McKay but had made that my middle name for some reason, I swapped my middle and first name because I didn't want to go by my first name in like emails or documents or stuff like that, which was the same as my Dad's (who I don't really like for various reasons), so I legally changed my name swapping my middle and first name. Also the name i've gone by for my entire life, McKay, is easily feminized to McKayla, and I have really liked that name for a while, so I might change it again just to add the la, maybe not i'll decide later

Last one for now

I guess I'll ask the obvious question first:

I'm sure you have felt this way your entire life, but when did you know for sure that you are female?

I didn't feel like this my entire life either, sure there were things during my childhood that I look back on now and were possibly because of it (I really wanted to be a cheerleader eventually, I really liked cooking and wanted an easy bake oven, I liked grocery shopping and had a grocery shopping playset, and I usually got more along with girls and had a decent amount of female friends, oh also I really hated "boy stuff" like violence, hurting people, bugs or "gross" things.) But yeah for me I didn't start feeling like this until about puberty, I started experimenting, coloring my nails in with markers, I've secretly painted them a few times, and I tried putting on makeup at least once, and all of it felt so good, and so right. But also very scary and I didn't want to be discovered so I've never kept it for long. My experience differs because I actually feel like I discovered and accepted that I was trans about 2 or 3 years ago, during high school, and after a lot of research, I remember clearly freaking out about the possibility of being trans, and trying to figure out what I would do. I guess I ultimately decided that I wouldn't be trans, and tried very hard to push out those ideas, to ignore those feelings, and to deny them. I became more radical as I tried to prove that I was male, and while all my life I was afraid of looking feminine, I tried even harder now to not. (nowadays I don't really care as much) I tried to avoid anything and everything that reminded me of those feelings. I was like this for about 2 years until Megan came out, she reminded me of those feelings and thoughts, and I started looking into it again, and talking to her until she finally helped me come to the conclusion that I am trans, and now i'm back to where I was a few years ago having no idea what to do about it and what my family or other people will think.

so this is my experience so far, if there anything you want to ask me personally I suggest a PM or something along those lines, i'll answer future questions if I feel like I can add something new from my own experience.

 

[LucyDuke]

She. I'm a she. Please use correct pronouns.

Question! (I'm interested in your answers to my other questions too! And contre's answer to this question!)

I try my best to use correct pronouns, but it's unclear sometimes. I understand that you're a she, and that you didn't become a she when you realized you were a she, you already were. But if I saw a photo of you as a small child and said 'he', is that entirely wrong? Does it bother you?

I'd be find with a genderless robot body. At least, I hope.

I believe I would be. But chat I missed last night has got me wondering whether those of us that don't think we care about our gender are just comfortable enough with it that we're clueless about what a difference it can make. Wet fish.

Answer to what! I can ask her something if you like

Well, more broadly, how the whole experience so far has been for her.

Specifically, when you said "I am a lesbian, ya, though wifey has a more complicated answer." But then you covered that in post 90.

Being attractive is nice but it's not important. Passing is important. If I pass and everyone thinks I'm an ugly chick, that's what matters. To that end, I shape my eyebrows, I wear makeup. I take care in matching accessories. I wear a lot of scarfs as I haven't had the adam's apple shave yet.

If you maybe didn't pass, but you were treated just as though you did, would that be good enough?

:X:X:X

nope

I hope it isn't very long before your body feels so familiar and old hat that you have the alleged luxury of getting sick of bra shopping.

To be clear, that's the basis of the standard protocol. There's no illusions: it's a risky thing to attempt. It can be physically harmful (I'm at higher risk for blood clots, I have to have my kidneys and liver tested every 3 months, I lose bone density, ect...) and it can be psychologically devastating if the person was not ready. So for a doctor to do these things to you, or for a doctor cut up your genitals and do some origami, means that not acting must have been worse for the patient.

Can you elaborate on 'harmful'?


If a fully functional female reproductive tract were available as readily as what you're already planning to have done, would you take that option? Would you opt in to a menstrual cycle (which, we'll note, many cis women opt out of)?

Since these are basically all yes/no questions, append to all: why or why not?

 

[_random_]

That's also complicated. I'd say she's more spiritual than religious at this point. No doubt, ISIS would stone her for apostasy.

Was her movement away from orthodox Islam related to your transition or did it predate it?

 

[emzie]

Question! (I'm interested in your answers to my other questions too! And contre's answer to this question!)

I try my best to use correct pronouns, but it's unclear sometimes. I understand that you're a she, and that you didn't become a she when you realized you were a she, you already were. But if I saw a photo of you as a small child and said 'he', is that entirely wrong? Does it bother you?

That is a good enough question I'm forwarding it a professor who lectures on this stuff. I think that can be answered many ways and I don't have a good answer specifically to give. Personally, that would not bother me as long as it was stated in past tense.

Well, more broadly, how the whole experience so far has been for her.

Specifically, when you said "I am a lesbian, ya, though wifey has a more complicated answer." But then you covered that in post 90.

She's reading this thread and she said she'd try and answer in her own words. I'll post her answer when she has.

If you maybe didn't pass, but you were treated just as though you did, would that be good enough?

There's a gradient of what it means to pass and this wikipedia article probably does a better job explaining it than I will.

tl;dr passing doesn't mean no one can tell your history. It takes a lot of work to retrain your voice and mannerisms. Very few people can completely eliminate some learned behaviours. Rather like a lisp. It takes extraordinary effort to turn to eliminate that last little bit of a lisp.

What's important is that you pass well enough that people remember you as female and treat you as female without thinking about what they're doing. The goal is for people to think "woman" rather than "oh god don't say he, don't say he" when they're interacting with you.

I hope it isn't very long before your body feels so familiar and old hat that you have the alleged luxury of getting sick of bra shopping.

Right now they're still growing so I have no illusions of perfect comfort lol.

Can you elaborate on 'harmful'?

Oooooo, yes I can. Good question.

Starting with the obvious, some people may wish to beat you to death, so there's that. I'm a lot more aware of my surroundings, especially at night.

You really do become a teenager again. If you've not matured in some ways, you are going to make the same mistakes as a teenager but you'll face adult consequences. If you're not mentally ready to transition, you can destroy relationships. To do this you need a support network. If you're sabotaging your support network you're going to end up in a bad place. The most important factor in how well a transition goes is how much support the individual has. Without support, many individuals end up self-harming in some form.

HRT has side effects. For MtF, there's 2 components, blockers and hormones. Blockers, antiandrogens, interfere with the production of testosterone. Hormones simulate ovaries. The most common medication used as a blocker is Spironolactone, which is primarily used as a diuretic (I drink at least 4 litres of water a day) and as antihypertensive. I had normal blood pressure to begin with, and this lowers it, sometimes dangerously. About 2 weeks ago, I forgot to eat and ended up collapsing onto the floor. I couldn't stand or even crawl. My wife had to bring me food and sit with me for a half hour as I slowly regained my strength. I'd never experienced something like that and it was pretty frightening.

The hormones themselves carry the same risks as birth control, except I take a higher dose and I'll take it for the rest of my life. My risk of stroke is higher. My risk of osteoporosis is higher. The stroke risk is significant enough that most doctors won't start HRT if the patient smokes.

I get blood tests every 3 months. They're looking for liver and kidney function. Both organs can be damaged by HRT. I get tested on bone density, every 6 months? It might be less frequent with time. Others may have different monitoring protocols and may be tested more or less often.

My breasts are 100% honest to god boobs. I have a lot more mammary tissue (as opposed to the tiny amount found in all men) and so my risk for breast cancer went up. I feel for lumps.

SRS is a rather lengthy and complicated procedure and carries the same risks from anesthesia and post-surgery infections.

Those are just what came to mind immediately. FtM individuals have different experiences on some of the specifics I listed.

If a fully functional female reproductive tract were available as readily as what you're already planning to have done, would you take that option? Would you opt in to a menstrual cycle (which, we'll note, many cis women opt out of)?

Since these are basically all yes/no questions, append to all: why or why not?

I'd want a fully functional reproductive tract, absolutely. I talk about periods enough with some friends to be fully aware of how much I do not wish to experience one, but menstruation is a very influential part of most women's lives. I'll never have a pregnancy scare and I'll never have to consult my calendar before making plans. I'm not missing out on good things, but those are still things that influence most women's lives and I'm robbed of the insights.

I mean, the closest thing I can think of to a period starting a day early is the feeling of horror when you realized you should not have gotten tacos from that street vendor.