[My apologies for the somewhat belated response. I was mulling over how to answer this for a bit, so here we go.]
Thanks. It's hard, and I feel really hurt, but I also don't want to hurt her. I have an unfortunate tendency to let myself be used.
This made me think of another question though, something she would talk about a lot, and that's the concept of "passing." This is something I really have a lot of difficulty understanding, and it's almost certainly because I don't know what it's like being on the receiving end of that sort of prejudice.
The best way I would describe 'passing' is that it is an issue of (self-)perception. It is not just wanting society to see you as the gender expression that you desire, but also, that
you believe that you are expressing yourself in what feels an authentic way. Passing, as someone has already mentioned, is complicated when it comes to non-white people, as patriarchal standards tend to be based on lithe, white women, and so especially African-American women are seen as exceptionally masculine/not feminine. So much for misgendering being a whole lot of nothing.
But a lot of things she said, made me feel like she wasn't trying to pass as a real woman, but rather was trying to pass as a man's image of what an ideal woman should be, if I'm making sense? This really bothered me a lot, because women come in all different shapes, sizes, and appearances. We don't all have hourglass figures, melodic voices, gorgeous lashes, full boobs, etc. Some of us are tall, some of us have no hips, some of us have excessive body hair and even facial hair. Some of us are flat-chested, some of us don't menstruate, some have husky voices or giant chins. And on and on.
I get she wants to be beautiful, I totally feel that. I feel like it just really, really bothered me to keep hearing that to be a woman, you have to be some kind of sexualized ideal. Honestly, the way I heard her (and other transwomen online) talk about it was probably the most male-ish thing, and made me really uncomfortable.
I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on what I'm sure is a very complex issue. I'm sorry if I seem insensitive, I'm just trying to offer my point of view as a ciswoman.
So, this is where we get to the meat of the issue with regards to 'passing'. In an ideal world, passing would be totally and completely unnecessary and unneeded. This isn't an ideal world, of course. The issues are, at least with regards to transwomen, are the following:
One, the aforementioned patriarchal standards, you listed some of them, are ingrained deep into the structure of it. It is unlikely that they will be going away anytime soon. Two, and more importantly, transwomen - and we got to face it - were
socialised as men, unless they were very lucky, and were able to transition before puberty. No amount of looking for the mystical "trans" essence will change that. This socialisation means that they come with the ideas of the patriarchy of What It Is To Be/Look Like A Woman, without, well,
actually experiencing what it is to be a ciswoman. This is natural, but it has very irky results, one of which you have described: creating an idealized - even fetishised object - of a Woman, for the most part, is rather rare. Which has a rather negative impact both on the transwoman's self-perception (causing dysphoria over a standard that may very well be impossible to attain), or by souring relations with ciswomen, all things that are undesirable.
The way out, if I must be frank, is the end of patriarchy, but that's a cop-out answer, I'm well-aware. No, what is needed is more self-awareness and critiquing of oneself's perceptions that may be created by outside structures. Transwomen (and trans people in general) can't really actually win acceptance if they are endlessly chasing after the approval of patriarchal standards/institutions, only by transcending (heh) and creating our new identies that go beyond that.
I'm somewhat repeating others here, but I hope this helps.
